JIMMY WANTS ALL THE ICE CREAM
“Who wants ice cream?”
It’s the annual ice cream bash at the New Orleans Saints headquarters. The football players are gathered around a table. Behind that table sits Mickey Loomis and Sean Payton. They guard a large bucket that is filled with ice cream.
Loomis: Okay guys, you know the drill. Everyone gets ice cream. You earned how much ice cream you get from your play on the field. We only have so much ice cream to go around, so I hope you understand and respect the hard work I put into making sure everyone gets ice cream.
He begins to scoop ice cream into each player’s bowl. Drew Brees gets 18.5 million scoops. Jimmy Graham looks around in concern.
Graham: Where are Roman, Will, Jabari and Jonathan?
Loomis shakes his head sadly.
Loomis: Unfortunately there wasn’t enough ice cream for them.
Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind. (Photo credit: The Huffington Post)
The first time we did these retrospectives a few years ago, Nate and I made it a point to stay away from covering our favorite teams.
After all, if you couldn’t go to the Footbawl Blog for unbiased retrospectives, what meaning would life have anymore? You’d just be wandering around the streets slack jawed, possibly without pants, bumping into strangers and belting out indiscernible cries of anguish. But then we figured “fuck it, being a homer is great”.
It was a strange year for the Packers. They entered the year without a lot of buzz, thanks to ESPN’s preemptive coronation that the 49ers and the Seahawks were the only NFC teams worth talking about (even a broken clock….) but ended up on the pundits’ radar after a 5-2 start. Then there was the Aaron Rodgers injury, which I still have a hard time talking about without becoming just a tad emotional. After that, everything was different.
Get out your Kleenex, this is the 2013 Green Bay Packers retrospective. Continue reading
This year felt like it was going to be different.
The Chicago Bears rolled into the season with three straight wins, averaging 30 points a game. Jay Cutler three five touchdowns and was only sacked once a game. The offense looked like it had finally learned how to complement the dynamic defense opponents had known for decades. The Bears were ready for contention again, seemingly on the merits of new coach and quarterback wizard Marc Trestman.
But soon after it was clear that Trestman wasn’t the key to their great offense. It turned out they got their offense in a deal with the devil, and in return they had to sacrifice something.
Oh, about that dynamic defense.
The Bears were one of the worst teams in the league defensively, and they were never able to give their team a fighting chance in the division. They never held a single opponent under 20 points. Even in a weakened division, injuries to Cutler and that defense kept them from winning the division. Well, that and Jay Cutler’s stupid face, but you already knew that.
Strap yourselves in and don’t forget your rain boots: this is the Chicago Bears retrospective. Continue reading
I don’t often feel bad for division rivals. Not for the players anyway, what with their fancy cars and their top hats and prostitutes-on-call. But I do have sympathy for the modern Detroit Lions fan.
Few teams in the league have what the Lions have from a personnel standpoint, yet there are also few teams with such imbeciles in charge of managing these players. Adding Reggie Bush to the mix gave them a new dual-threat at running back, but that didn’t exactly fix their overall inconsistencies.
This looked like it was going to be the year for the Lions once Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler went down for extended periods. Like fate was finally turning in their favor. So how did the team take advantage of that good fortune? By rallying the troops and heroically losing the last four games of the season.
Nine wins would have sealed the deal in the NFC North. But that was asking too much of the Blue Kittycats, apparently. Insert Jim Schwartz’ retarded smirk here.
Nobody that smiles like that should be allowed to coach anything.
Now look away! Dear god, Look away! We are about to seriously discuss the Lions. Continue reading
Need an explanation why their season sucked? Look no further! (photo credit: ESPN.com)
You have to make a choice: Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel, or Josh Freeman? WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?
If your answer is “GARGH,” because you’re trying to kill yourself by swallowing your shoe, then DING DING DING you win! Step right up, because you’ve just won an all-expenses-paid prison sentence to a franchise as stable as its stadium.
Welcome to Minnesota. We hope you survive.
It’s not hard to see where it all went wrong with the Vikings, just look at anyone not named ‘Adrian Peterson’ or ‘Cordarrelle Patterson’ and you have your answer. Losing Harrison Smith, Erin Henderson and other players to injury and/or bad decision kept the Minnesota defense at the bottom of the pack. And when your top receiver, old ass Greg Jennings, only amasses 800 yards in a season, there’s obviously something wrong with your passing game.
But let’s stick to the script and take a gander at the team’s few notable moments last season. Continue reading