The Offseason Sucks: Let’s get pumped about the schedule release!

While various pundits and celebrities have come forth in the last few years to describe a dystopian future where the NFL either doesn’t exist, or whose popularity has severely declined, I have a hard time taking the scenario seriously.

Yes, in an analytical sense I can listen to the things they say and think to myself, “okay, that’s reasonable”. The logic usually surrounds head injuries, and the NFL’s greed: both of which are valid concerns for the long term growth of the league.

But then I look at the ESPN lineup for a Wednesday night in April and realize that there is a two hour long special dedicated to the schedule release for a season that starts five months later and I just think…yeah, shut up. Here are some of my takeaways from said schedule release.



Bring your ear and butt plugs

And there’s a crass way to start this thing off. Continue reading

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This just in: Aldon Smith is nuts

No one is laughing now

No one is laughing now

You might not have noticed this yesterday.

After all, there was the exciting final round coverage of the Masters, or perhaps you were enjoying baseball or basketball. You could have been prepping for a Mad Men or Game of Thrones party. Surely you weren’t glued to NFL news, as anything that happens this time of the year is either horrifyingly boring or…just plain horrifying.

This would fall under that second one. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks

At the beginning of the 2013 football season, the world had decided the Seattle Seahawks were the best team in football.

They sat atop preseason rankings. Their tough and physical defense was praised. Their offseason acquisition Percy Harvin was lauded as the move of the year. And most people pretty much suspected they’d go to the Super Bowl.

Except two snarky ass dudes who write a blog, of course.

Ben and I never bought into the hype. We thought they benefitted from a great home field, and that they would struggle on neutral site in the playoffs.

As it turned out, they only had to play one game on a neutral field, and they ended up smashing the Broncos 43-8 in The Super Bowl.

As it also turned out, Ben and I were morons.

This is the Seattle Superbowlhawks retrospective. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The San Francisco 49ers

Can't get enough Harbaugh-face.

Can’t get enough Harbaugh-face.

Other than a few rough stretches, the San Francisco 49ers were discussed as perhaps the second best team in football for much of the season.

The catch?

The best team played in their division.

While the 49ers put together arguably the best overall three year run in football since the 2011, not a lot of people are going to remember it unless another Lombardi trophy ends up in the bay area soon. The team has a young nucleus and probably the second best coach in the game, but in the NFL the window isn’t always as big as it seems. And as we saw in the offseason, Harbaugh’s relationship with the front office isn’t exactly…stable.

If this season would have happened a few years ago we would be falling all over ourselves with praise, but it didn’t and such is life. This is the 2013 49ers retrospective. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Arizona Cardinals

Another year of this man's talents wasted.

Another year of this man’s talents wasted.

The season could only be called bittersweet for the Arizona Cardinals. How else could you classify a 10-6 team that didn’t make playoffs?

And really, the Cardinals weren’t supposed to achieve what they did. With a new coaching regime, a shaky running back, and an aging quarterback under center (FUCKING USC), no one expected Arizona to be a contender. And they were right in the end, because going 2-4 in the division is awful.

But the pieces are in place for the team to improve. The NFC West is lately considered the toughest division in football, and there has to be a little truth to it if third best team in the division still eked out 10 wins.

Now join us, stoke the still waters and be embraced by the Blessed Mother in this, a time of retrospection, a time of wonder. /Mendenhall verse. Continue reading

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