This Text is On Fire: Peyton Doesn’t Deserve Credit for Broncos Success — Or Anything, Really

Okay, let’s just say what everyone’s been thinking. This Denver Broncos team is not Manning’s team. He’s part of it, and they’ll probably give him a Super Bowl ring if they win (probably), but he’s not the driving force of their success.


“I’m not?” (Fox Sports)

Two weeks ago, when the Broncos needed to step up and make a play to stop Tom Brady, it wasn’t Manning, who was too busy buffing out the red spot on his enormous forehead. It was the Denver defense. It was Ware and Brandon Marshall on a pass rush. It was Aqib Talib sticking his eye-poking fingers up and hitting the ball. It was Bradley Roby making the play and forgetting what the hell he was doing for a hot second.

The Denver defense drives this vehicle. Peyton’s not even riding shotgun. He’s sitting in the back with his feet against the front headrest, yelling audibles at his Nintendo 3DS. Continue reading

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I For One Welcome Our Dabbing Overlords

At this rate my fellow Saints fans are going to accuse me of liking the Panthers.

I swear I don’t! I’m just at the point where I have to talk myself into this or else I’m going to be very disappointed on February 7th.

Two years ago, I was convinced that there was NO CHANCE the Seahawks could beat the Broncos. The Broncos had Peyton and a dynamic, record-breaking offense. The Seahawks had a decent offense and an unlikable cast of characters. I said it on prediction threads, on podcasts, to friends: the Broncos were going to get Peyton his second ring.

And then…


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Even Seahawks Fans Are Just Fans. Get the Fuck Over Yourself.

When I read this letter from Sarah, I hadn’t actually even heard about what Cam Newton did with the 12th Man Flag, which I realize now is an impressive exhibition in rock-living. And in most of the things I’ve seen, Cam is criticized for it lightly. I mean, yes, it’s classless. And it’s a little egotistic, and disrespectful, and all of the things that we should associate with Cam Newton at this point after his five year career.

But my issue when reading this didn’t have anything to do with Cam. It has to do with this seething entitlement from fans that just makes my blood boil. I don’t think Seattle fans are special in these self-indulgent displays of annoyance, but they certainly seem to be one of the stronger flavors of awful fandom. So let me get this off my chest in the form of a missive to Seattle fans and all fans in general:

You’re just a fan. Get the fuck over yourself. Continue reading

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Laces Out: Season 3, Episode 1

Well, it took us some time to finally record a podcast, but hopefully we’ll be making up for that. We plan on releasing one before the conference championships, and then another before the Super Bowl. For now, enjoy this one. Pardon my awful joke in the middle, I’ve already apologized on social media for it. Also pardon the weird edit in the end when we’re talking about Phil Simms. Footbawl blog studios didn’t pay their electricity bill.


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Monday Morning Jerkface: Wild Card Weekend

The sound of a roar wakes you from what feels like an endless slumber. You look around and see nachos, a large television, heartbroken faces.

“What…what happened?” you mutter.

“They lost,” someone sitting next to you says. She is holding your hand and wearing an engagement ring. You have no idea who she is. “The Vikings lost.”

“They…lost?” And then you realize everyone is looking at you. Expecting you to freak out, to destroy furniture, to level the city. One of your friends just put on body armor.

But instead of anger, you feel a sudden peace wash over you. You smile a Wednesday Adams smile. “It’s okay, guys. It’s over. I’m free from the grips. I think…I think I’m okay.”

They all cheer, and hug, and remove body armor, and the woman you don’t know kisses you. You’re feeling more alive than you can ever remember feeling. You don’t even remember why you enjoy football in the first place.

Then, a notification on your tablet. “Draft prospects for the Vikings.”

“Oooh, yes,” you mutter, lowering your head. “A playmaking wide receiver will solve all of our problems.” Everyone sighs. The woman takes off her ring.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

**** Continue reading

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