Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Twelve

The hole was open for two seconds before 18 Seahawks defenders tackled him in unision

The hole was open for two seconds before 18 Seahawks defenders tackled him in unision

“Father, please forgive me…for I have sinned,” you softly say to the unseen man on the other side of the divider. “It has been a month since my last confession.”

“We have all sinned in the eyes of God,” he responds.

“With a little under three minutes left and up by three, my opponent has no timeouts. I decided to get cute and call a few pass plays. They were incomplete and the other team won in the closing moments…”

Suddenly the divider slides open and on the other side is an angry man.


This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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All Snark Aside: Al Michaels is the Man

We here at the Footbawl Blog are notorious for our hate and snark. We tell you why your favorite things suck. We shout to the world when we were right about a player being an asshole. We even have an entire feature about hating. And let me tell you, all that hate can be exhausting. I find myself sleeping earlier and earlier every night!

To help alleviate that issue, we’re going to try and make a habit of shedding the snark every once in a while. There’s plenty of good, impressive, and heartwarming things in football that don’t deserve our naturally-bred scorn and cynicism. So let’s introduce All Snark Aside, a look into the things we really like about football.

I want to start this positive post by looking at a man who has been a respectful member of the media community for decades. We spend so much energy hating on the Bucks, Aikmans, and Phil Simmses of the world (not that they don’t deserve it) that I think we should spend a little energy praising the good ones.

Al Michaels is one of the good ones.

Hats off, you beautiful bastard.

Hats off, you beautiful bastard.

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Haters Gon’ Hate: RG3 is a dick

One day we might look back and call this the end of his career.

One day we might look back and call this the end of his career.

I say a lot of things about football every week.

They range from predictions and analysis to mid play grunting. Like most people that talk about football, I tend to quickly forget about the things I was wrong about and forever cling to the things I was right about. And this week, the thing I’m taking pride in the most is a hypothesis of mine I had a few years ago: RG3 is a dick. Continue reading

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Not to Defend Adrian Peterson, but the NFL Has NO IDEA How To Punish People

Hoo boy, this is fun.

Hoo boy, this is fun.

So today the call came down from NFL’s Mount Olympus: Adrian Peterson is suspended for the year. Here’s my quick take on this.

  • Adrian Peterson can miss the whole year, and that doesn’t bother me at all. He was arrested for abusing his kid, and he never came out and apologized sincerely for his actions. He still thinks it’s fine to take a tree branch and whip his kid, and that’s ridiculous. So yeah, he can miss the year and I don’t think that’s too harsh. BUT…
  • The NFL has NO IDEA what they’re doing. Literally. Goodell is this dog.
    Note the NFL logo. We clearly put some work into these pictures.

    Note the logo. We clearly put some work into these pictures.

    If the NFLPA is right, and Peterson was told his time on the Commissioner’s list would be considered as time served, then the NFL still has a problem punishing people. The best thing to do in these cases is to have a policy and stick with it. You can’t afford to show inconsistency, or have your punishments appear arbitrary. Unfortunately, it’s impossible for the NFL to do that because they are literally flying by on the seat of their pants. It’s like when a cheating husband comes home and is asked where he was, and he keeps throwing out answers that the wife won’t accept. The story keeps changing in a desperate, panicked attempt to provide an answer that won’t get them burned at the stake. But the bad news for the NFL is the media for once isn’t buying their bullshit, and with every slipup, another torch gets lit.

  • There will be a battle between Goodell and the NFLPA, and there is literally no way for the NFL to look good. Either he upholds the ruling and everyone knows that the punishment was reactionary and arbitrary, or he folds to the pressure and shows once again that the NFL cares more about media and fan reaction than putting forth a consistent product. The NFL is that high school girl that needs a makeover, and we’re not just talking about the movie makeover where they take off her glasses and put her hair down.
  • No one gives a shit if you picked Peterson up in your fantasy team and now you’re sad. Seriously.

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Eleven

The phone rings a second time. A third. You wait for him to pick up, but with every ring it’s clearer and clearer he won’t.

“Pick up, pick up,” you plead softly anyway, your voice rising above a whisper. “Please, come on.”

But after a few more rings, the answering machine picks up. You sigh, hang up, and try to call again, but the officer jams his thumb on the switch.

“You’re done,” the guard mutters.

“Can I call one more time?”

“You only get one call, and you’ve tried six times. Don’t you have anyone else you can call?”

You shake your head slowly and he leads you back to the holding cell. As you shuffle back to confinement, you can only say the same words over and over.

“Why won’t you pick up, Matt Stafford? Why are you letting me down?”

This is Monday Morning  Jerkface.


Hail to the God this joke is awful Continue reading

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