by | May 22, 2012

Reflecting on the Lions’ Offseason…

At least he can’t be charged for this

When you think of the Lions’ 2011 season, one of the first images that leap to your mind is most likely Ndamukong Suh’s Thanksgiving Day stomp, but there were plenty of other incidents that were cause for concern. Not even head coach Jim Schwartz was immune from having a hilarious and inappropriate lapse in judgment. But the idea that a young football team has discipline problems is not exactly shocking. The thought was that tumultuous season would be a learning experience, and in 2012 the Lions would grow up.

So far it isn’t going so well.

Back-up offensive lineman Johnny Culbreath was arrested for smoking marijuana in a Country Inn & Suites, Mike Leshoure was arrested twice for marijuana possession in the span of a month, and Nick Fairley was pulled over for speeding in early April. What did the police find in his car?  If you guessed marijuana, you win! It isn’t my goal to criminalize smoking weed, that’s an entirely different topic. But at some point you figure Schwartz is going to have to gather the team around and say: “great practice today, also please smoke in your house.”

These four arrests were not the end of the Lions strange offseason however, as last week second year wideout Titus Young sucker punched a teammate during practice and has now been banned from the team’s facilities. How long will the ban last? The team has not released any details on that front.  Perhaps a greater question is when is Doug Hogue going to get drunk and crash his car or abuse his girlfriend?  Vegas should start taking bets as at this point he is the only player from the Lions’ 2011 draft class to not get in some kind of trouble.

In the NFL, and sports in general, we make an assumption that when a team is young and talented that eventually they will get over the hump. We make an assumption that a few years down the line when rookies turn into veterans and all the pieces fit there could be a championship on the horizon. We forget that history is filled with teams that, for a variety of reasons, just never get there. This is not to say that the Lions won’t, it’s just a reminder that youth and talent does not entitle you to anything besides a bunch of money and a chance.

What’s the best part of the Lions’ offseason so far? Probably their best player, Calvin Johnson, on the cover of Madden.

Oh shit…

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by | May 16, 2012

The Raiders Have the Best Fraternity Ever

OAKLAND RAIDERS CAMP

8:11 AM

Dennis Allen: All right, guys. I’m really excited with the team we’ve got here. Last year’s Raiders were really close to winning the division, and I think with the changes we’ve made this year, we’ll be able to do it for sure!

Darren McFadden: What changes? We didn’t have any high draft picks and we didn’t really do anything in free agency either.

Dennis Allen: I meant me.

Darren McFadden: Oh.

Dennis Allen: I know it sounds tough, especially since Tim Tebow apparently got a lot better in Denver by changing his name to Peyton Manning. But I really think we have a chance here, especially if we establish an identity.

[Allen is momentarily interrupted by a loud belch. Everyone looks around, but there is no followup. Allen shrugs and moves on.]

Dennis Allen: To me, that’s the most important thing we have to do if we want to contend for a championship. We have to really define ourselves…

[Another belch rings out, but Allen is gaining momentum – he continues.]

Dennis Allen: We have to give ourselves a championship mentality, and in order to do that, we have to really know who we are.

“We know who we are, coach.”

Dennis Allen: Who said that back there?

[Everyone in the front turns around and parts the crowd to reveal:]

Matt Leinart: WE’RE A BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ PARTY ANIMALS!

Dennis Allen: Oh Jesus.

Matt Leinart: Discipline is cool and shit, but some smart dude with glasses did a study and proved teams win more when they’re happier. Ain’t that right, buddy?

Dennis Allen: Who are you talki…

Carson Palmer: THAT’S RIGHT, MATTY THE PUSSYKILLER! And you know I’m happy when I’m BLASTED!

[Carson chugs a beer and burps heavily. Dennis Allen grabs his hair as the Raider players walk towards the two drinking quarterbacks.]

Dennis Allen: No, no, no. This is not how we do things here.

Carson Palmer: Sorry, coach, but we’re going by the rulebook of the Qoppa Beta fraternity now, and that IS how we do things here. Instead of laps, we drink. Instead of cone drills, we drink. Instead of fucking the cheerleaders…well, we still do that. That’s our code, and as the longest tenured member of the Raiders here, what I say goes.

Darren McFadden: I’ve been here years before you.

Carson Palmer: Yeah, but you’re not a member of the fraternity.

Darren McFadden: Can I be a member of the fraternity?

Matt Leinart: NO! Violation of rule 17: if you get injured ALL THE FUCKING TIME you can’t be a part of the fraternity.

Darren McFadden: That’s not in there.

Carson Palmer: Check the rulebook.

[He hands Darren the rulebook.]

Darren McFadden: This is written on a napkin.

Shane Lechler: From a strip club.

Richard Seymour: Just outside Bakersfield. Gross.

Carson Palmer: That’s where we have chapter meetings!

Matt Leinart: And recruit Raiderettes.

Dennis Allen: This is ridiculous. Drop that beer bong. Stop hanging out with that fat kid. And everyone else stop listening to these two assholes! We’re going to run some drills, and we’re going to do it with strength and intensity.

Matt Leinart: You want intensity? Watch this.

[Leinart grabs a 40 of Olde English 800 and smashes it against his face, then licks the blood and beer around his lips.]

Matt Leinart: Mmmm, blood and beer. Tastes like Brynn Cameron on her period.

Dennis Allen: That is disgusting. Stop all of this right now. We have the chance to be the best team in the AFC West. We can’t just spend our time drinking and fighting. We owe it to the fans to conduct ourselves with dignity and class.

[Leinart belches, then wipes the blood from his face.]

Matt Leinart: Class? Dignity? Coach. Look around. We live in Oakland.

[Dennis Allen thinks for a second. Then shrugs his shoulders.]

Dennis Allen: Good point. Fuck it. Give me one of those 40s!

Carson Palmer: Yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Now let’s do some Qoppa Beta traditions. Coach, you put Terrelle Pryor in the goat sex room, and Matt and I are going to go show some Raiderettes our DVD collection. Ready…break!

Darren McFadden: We’re so fucked.

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by | May 11, 2012

Trolling a Troll: The Cowherd Resistance Starts Now

Collin Cowherd appears on ESPN radio and television. He uses these mediums to say dumb things. Ben writes about the dumbest of these things.

“Kobe Bryant is underrated! I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore!”

And yes, before you ask, this is going to be a regular feature.

I work from home, and during the day I use a variety of sports programming as background noise. I hear a lot of illogical things said during the course of an average day, but it is rare that someone says something so idiotic that I am forced to stop working for a moment. Usually these gems come from Colin Cowherd. If you aren’t familiar with the man, imagine the average idiot who posts inflammatory nonsense in the YouTube comments section of a Natalie Merchant music video, and now imagine that guy given an education and a bunch of air time. To those of you familiar with Colin, don’t worry…I’m not going to write a post every time he says something a little off base just for a reaction. I simply don’t have the time for that. No, this feature is reserved for the kind of statements that remind me just how irresponsible and ridiculous mainstream sports journalism has become. 

Today’s nugget is an observation he had about the NFL draft a few weeks ago, and re-iterated this week. Cowherd, in an attempt to explain why he would stay away from drafting certain wide receivers, explained that if you see highlight videos of a wideout making catches (even spectacular catches) in traffic that you should pass on them. His reasoning is that if you don’t have the ability to separate, you aren’t going to be good in the pros. Is separating from a defensive back important? Of course it is. But that’s like saying that you want to avoid running backs who break tackles because they should have juked the defender in the first place.

When Calvin Johnson goes up and does this is anyone concerned with his lack of separation? In college football the talent gap between the great players and the rest is significantly larger than in the pros so a lot of good receivers get open pretty easily.  But because of the skill and recovery speed of many of the cornerbacks in the NFL, even if you run a perfect route defenders will still be in the area when the ball gets there. How many big third down conversions can you think of off the top of your head where a wideout is being blanketed by a corner but the quarterback sticks it right in there and the receiver makes a great catch? If you watch a lot of football, you have seen too many of them to count. It is obviously an important skill to be able to make catches with defenders draped all over you. 

My point is not that Colin actually believes this theory; he just needs stuff to talk about. He took a player that another analyst liked (in this case Michael Floyd) and made up a completely illogical reason to disagree with them and then tried to package it as logic.  This is a pretty good summary of what sports radio is, Cowherd is just more prominent (and unbearable) than most. ESPN doesn’t care – people listen to Colin just because they love to hate his irrational bullshit. 

At least now I have this feature as an excuse.

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by | May 10, 2012

Pedro Gomez is a Peter Gabriel song away from being a stalker

http://twitter.com/#!/pedrogomezESPN/status/200629708428292097/photo/1

I can still smell his hair! In other news, I honestly haven’t seen a Carmex container in a long time.

The above link and picture come from Pedro Gomez, ESPN’s resident reporter and Dennis Farina lookalike. This picture, I guess, could be used to show how popular Tim Tebow is; so much that Pedro Gomez felt the need to take a picture of his “second NFL locker” for the world to see.

But I see it differently. I see this as just another reason Tim Tebow needs to watch his back for creepy stalkers. Pedro Gomez could be waiting in the bushes, ready to profess his undying love. Tebow should use this picture as a reference to make sure that nothing was stolen from his locker, or perhaps to see if Pedro left behind some sort of love token like a rose or Mark Sanchez’s confidence.

Sure, it could be an innocent picture. But the people who say that are the same people who said Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything was making a romantic gesture when he stood outside of his ex’s house with a boombox. It wasn’t romantic, it was creepy. And this picture stalking thing isn’t much better.

“Please Timmy. Take me back. I didn’t mean to send you those pictures of Favre’s penis.”

It’s times like this I bet Tim wishes he had approved the Jacksonville trade, because no one there cares about football enough to stalk him. HAHA GET IT JAGS FANS DON’T EXIST.

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by | May 9, 2012

A REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL Speech from Merril Hoge about concussions in the NFL

“Hi, I’m Merril Hoge, and I improve this message.”

Merril Hoge: Hello, purple of the world. My name is Melville Hoge and I’m here to talk to you about a serious enemy to the world of football. As you probably know, I played football for several yards and I was a proud member of the Pittsburgh Pirates football team. Football is in my bluff. It’s part of my identity. I can still hear football plays in my sleep. Sometimes I think I’m still playing! I’ll suddenly wake up in the middle of a busy interloper with cars all around me, with no idea how I got there. Now that’s dedication to the port.

Kurt Warner doesn’t show that sort of predication. He seems to love the game of football; I mean really hate it. He claimed he wouldn’t want his kids playing the same lame that he played, that made him famous. And to me, that makes him unedified. He isn’t royal to the game that gave those kids such a good life. And why doesn’t Kurt Warren want his kids to play football?

Because of concussions? Get the fun out of here!

Concussions aren’t a problem in football. It’s the way they are treated. Hell, I got like 47 of em, and look at me now! Still stalking to you fine fjords with no problem. I get paid money to have grudges with Vince Young and blindly support my former teens! Life is grade!

But Kirk Warner obviously doesn’t think so. He must hate the NFL. And if he hates the NFL, then he hates America. He hates apple thigh. He hates money. Not like me! I love money so much I sued the Chica Gobears for not treating my head inquiries right.

See, Kurt, that’s how you should deal with this percussion issue. Get money! Don’t ban your kinds from playing. Let them play, let them get hilt, and then let them sue the league! That way you can really support the place that funneled your career for so long.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to lay down. The lights are starting to make me go blind.

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by | May 8, 2012

Ridiculous Lists: Five Players I’d Like to See Host SNL

This NFL off-season has been as compelling as any in recent memory, but there is typically a lull in football news right after the draft. I mean to fill that lull with ridiculous lists! 

Not sure who is less gifted as a comedian in this picture

The general perception of Eli Manning’s performance on Saturday Night Live this past weekend is that it wasn’t all that memorable, but he didn’t fall flat on his face either.  Given his…wooden nature, I’d say this is a success. This got me thinking about what NFL players I would most like to see host the popular sketch show. Here are five of them, in no particular order.

Jonathan Vilma

Look, I realize that a linebacker will probably never have the chance to host something as mainstream as Saturday Night Live, but if ever there was a time for an exception it’s right now! With the bounty scandal dominating the offseason headlines, and SNL’s gift for topical comedy, this could be a lot of fun. Really I just want to see a sketch where Vilma punches “Roger Goodell” for ten straight minutes while the audience stares on in uncomfortable silence. Is that so wrong? Plus, I think we would all appreciate it if he put up 10k for any of the cast to take out the dude from Good Burger.

Get me that hat. Now.

Stevie Johnson

With Randy Moss and Terrell Owens both being out of the league last year, the door was wide open for another wide receiver to seize the diva crown. Stevie Johnson walked right through that door and then danced a while. I don’t know if he would have great comedic timing in a setting like this, but I don’t even care. If it went bad, it would go so bad that I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes off of it. You might think this could be a PR problem for NBC after Stevie blamed God for a key overtime drop, but after the whole Sinead O’Connor incident they are used to the heat!

Ben Roethlisberger

So the sketch starts out with Kristen Wiig running down a dark alley; crying, alone, frightened for her life…

Tim Tebow

I know, I know. I have spent a considerable amount of time on this blog over the last six months talking about how annoyed I am about Tebow mania. But just the same, how could you not watch this? Would he go ironic and do some sweet ass Satan worshipping sketches? Gosh I hope so.The only people who wouldn’t enjoy this would be the SNL cast who would put in more work, be better at their jobs, and get none of the credit for the show’s success! Matt Prater feels your pain, Fred Armisen.

Rob Gronkowski

To make an SNL appearance successful, one of the best character traits you can have is a disregard for your own integrity.  Well, Gronk is a meathead.  He knows he is a meathead.  He has fun being a meathead.  Even if they have a bad show, he will still be a blast at the after party. I don’t understand what that dance is, but losing control of your basic motor functions has never looked so fun!

Who would you like to see host SNL? What is another ridiculous list you would like to see this week? The offseason is starting to get boring, isn’t it?  Let us know in the comments section!

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by | May 2, 2012

Saints Players Suspended; Everyone Excited to Move the Fuck On

Saints fans reaction to announcement

What this means for Saints fans: Second straight year starting a season without Will Smith. Not much else negative, seeing as Lofton and Hawthorne were already prepared to play in Vilma’s place. There’s a little extra money saved up that they can use to sweeten the deal with Brees, although that probably won’t be done for another month at least. Overall, this means the team knows who they’re going forward with, and they can finally get to business.

What this means for Saints haters/detractors: You can make jokes about it from time to time, but make sure they’re good ones. Star Wars jokes aren’t funny anymore.

Although this one is an exception.
Image and photo credit taken from cbssports.com

What this means for Jonathan Vilma: He’ll have all year long to prepare for next season’s Dancing with the Stars.

What this means for the Packers: “Wait, Anthony Hargrove is on our team?” – Packers fan.

What this means for ESPN: Good luck getting NFL offseason material now, bitches!*remembers Tim Tebow still exists* Never mind, you guys are fine.

What this means for Vikings Fans: You still didn’t win a Super Bowl.

What this means for non-NFL fans: Hopefully you won’t have to hear anything about the New Orleans Saints until they win the Super Bowl again. In 2042.

What this means for me: LET’S WRITE ABOUT OTHER TEAM’S FUCKUPS!

—-

Serious end note: R.I.P. to Junior Seau. Too few details to say anything more, but best wishes go to his family and friends at this time.

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