by | May 15, 2013 · 10:20 am

Trolling a Troll: Colin Cowherd loves blackouts, hates fans

"I love blackouts! Almost as much as I love the Yankees, and Duke basketball."

“I love blackouts! Almost as much as I love the Yankees, and Duke basketball.”

Originally this feature was designed simply to pick apart the subpar logic and ludicrous analogies of Colin Cowherd, which I would be far more effective at if I listened to or watched him regularly. The reason why this is only the second one of these pieces is because most days I really can’t stomach his show. The other day, I happened across it by accident and was instantly filled with a burning rage that could only be satisfied by…well, blogging about it. That sounds so anticlimactic, doesn’t it? Continue reading →

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by | May 9, 2013 · 12:03 pm

I Hate the Offseason: Pranks Are Cool, I Guess

So a few weeks ago I wrote about how I hate the offseason, and it wasn’t a very productive piece. All it did was complain and made me feel worse for writing it. And worst of all, the season isn’t getting here any quicker.

But after spending some time watching replays of every Super Bowl for the last 10 years and crying into a sock, I realized I could do something productive with my hatred of the offseason. I could do my favorite thing: rant!

So here it is, the semi-regular feature of the offseason, where I go to ESPN’s NFL newsfeed, read the articles, and think, “Why the fuck is this news? I can’t wait until these are all scores, highlights, and the occasional Pacman Jones DUI.” Continue reading →

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by | April 29, 2013 · 10:10 am

Who Would Win in a Fight: Todd McShay vs. Mel Kiper Jr.

Round 1...FIGHT!

Round 1…FIGHT!

Ever since the draft ended, analysts have been rushing to grade each and every team on their each and every pick.

And hey, I get it. ESPN and the NFL Network are 24 hour enterprises, and people want to know how their team did. Most people would just go ahead and grade the drafts themselves but let’s be honest, you don’t actually know much about that free safety your team traded up to get in the fifth round, do you? And for the most part, neither do we!

So instead today I’m going to talk about something that is a little bit more my speed: deciding who would win in a fight between ESPN draft overlords Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay! Yes, you’ve seen them hamming it up on TV, bickering like children. But what if they battled to the death?

Here’s the scouting report. Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2013 · 11:55 am

A REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL Story About Geno Smith After Draft Night

12:45 AM, Draft Day. The Blue Room (because God Forbid ESPN call it the Green Room like everybody fucking else) is nearly empty. There’s a man emptying trash cans and sweeping up dirt.

There’s also Geno Smith.

Source: USA Today

Source: USA Today

Continue reading →

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by | · 10:20 am

Five First Round Moves I Didn’t Understand

"Another offensive lineman? Christ."

“Another offensive lineman? Christ.”

I fully accept the fact that I don’t know as much about pro football as the scouts and general managers that make decisions on draft night.

Just the same, that doesn’t stop me from being a critical jackass! Despite the lack of star power and skill players, the first round of the 2013 NFL draft was quite interesting to me. One of the things that made it interesting was a multitude of moves that I did not understand, aka I thought they sucked. I have chronicled five of them here.

1. EJ Manuel was the first QB selected

Never mind the fact that Manuel was rated as the fourth best QB prospect  in the draft on a lot of the so called experts’ boards, new Bills coach Doug Marrone actually coached one of the other three prospects (Ryan Nassib) at Syracuse. Continue reading →

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