Unsolicited Fantasy Advice From Lenny in Accounting


Hey guy! It’s me, Lenny from Accounting. I just looked at your fantasy team in our work league. Boy you’re struggling! And it’s pretty clear why, too. You haven’t been reading my weekly all-company emails about how to fix your fantasy team! And I forgive you, obviously you’re busy with work, but since I’ve finished the two things boss has assigned me this week, I figured I’d come over and give you my totally free advice face to face.

Why are you standing up? No need to get coffee right now, buddy. These fresh takes will keep you awake! Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Four

"Amount of times he made that asshole blow the horn" should be a stat for all Vikings players.

“Amount of times he made that asshole blow the horn” should be a stat for all Vikings players.

You are sprinting through the mall in full pads and a helmet.

Why are you chasing him?

To be honest, you don’t even remember. He’s a quick little bugger, that much is certain. But he is tiring. As he slowly loses speed his screams become more frantic, and the spectators look even more confused. You don’t know why you’re chasing the man from the hand lotion kiosk. You know, the one by the Steak Escape. Perhaps he reminded you that life is not as smooth as any of us would like it to be. Or maybe you haven’t taken your medication in three weeks. But there’s no backing out now. You’re going to have to tackle him and do an elaborate sack dance over his prone body.

This is simply the way the world works.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Injuries Can’t Save You Now: Jake Locker’s Last Chance

In the 2011 NFL Draft, there were four quarterbacks taken in the first twelve picks. The first pick was Cam Newton, a player who has since become the face of the Carolina Panthers, and is universally recognized as one of the most promising young quarterbacks in the game.

The others…welp.

Of the three others picked, one, Blaine Gabbert, is on a different team, holding a clipboard and swearing to himself he can play better than his starter (he can’t). One, Christian Ponder, was actually inactive for the game where his starter got hurt. If Teddy Bridgewater had also broken a toenail, Ponder would’ve been unable to play quarterback, and the Vikings would have had to go with Cordarrelle Patterson. Most teams only send two active quarterbacks into gameday, but it does speak to Ponder’s situation that he is already the third string after three years in the league.

And the final member of Cam Newton and the Pick-Six Trio, and definitely the most interesting of the three, is Jake Locker, who is still manning his position as Tennessee Titans starting quarterback. Well, he’s not manning it. He’s more like Sanchezing it. Continue reading

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Bill Simmons Suspended for Rational Thought


If First Take tackles this issue I’m going to cut myself

Bill Simmons has come to the same conclusion as everyone I know who watches football and has a working brain: Roger Goodell is a liar.

David Stern’s tenure as NBA commissioner was rocky at times, and Bud Selig’s reign over MLB baseball was not without its share of criticism, but never in all of my life watching grown men play games has the public been so universally distrustful of the head of a major sport than they are right now of Roger Goodell.

Bill Simmons articulated this in a profanity laced rant on his podcast this week, which resulted in a three week suspension by his employer, ESPN. Continue reading

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James Harrison is Back, and Here’s Five Reasons Why!

Welcome back, James!

Welcome back, James!

Yesterday it was announced that linebacker James Harrison had signed a deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers to rejoin the team just three weeks after he had signed a one day contract so he could retire with the team.

While we are not certain whether or not the thirty eight year old edge rusher is still going to be effective, we do have a highly accurate list of the top five reasons that he chose this moment in time to make his return.

1. Has never concussed a Scorpio Continue reading

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