Hey guys! I know I’m not usually the one to talk about gambling sponsored by Draft Kings on the site, but after getting a call from these scary guys in suits, I decided to give it a whirl! I just wanted to say before we get started that this blog post is sponsored by Draft Kings, the best one-week fantasy website! Use Draft Kings! Go to draftkings.com!
Okay, now we’re going to take a few lines powered by Draft Kings and I’ll tell you which team to pick. Continue reading
Some of you may not know that in my private time, I run an advice column called Dear Uncle Nate where I listen to people’s problems and give well-thought, meaningful solutions. It’s a specialized column, because it seems that only NFL players and coaches write me questions. It’s obvious that my experience as a loud, unshowered blogger has impressed everyone. With great power comes great responsibility, so it’s time to throw away the loofa and answer some questions! Continue reading
“First down,” you mumble to yourself, sprinting down the street with a football. Ten yards later, you say it again. And again. And again. And again.
That guy in the skinny jeans, he isn’t even trying to tackle you. Is it poor coaching, or does he just have bad fundamentals? It’s hard to say. You spin past the woman with all the horses on her shirt. She will likely be benched. Only 16,234 yards to go until you have the rushing record. Your friend is behind you , screaming something about how you’re not in the NFL and you’re out of your goddamn mind. Don’t listen to them. All you have to think about is how you’re going to get past the zany pizza joint mascot with the sign.
Ah, the stiff arm. Nice choice.
This is Monday Morning Jerkface.
“And then I was like…coach, it’s me, Brandon Weeden. Why are we passing?”
The most Jason Garrett shit ever
Put yourself in the shoes of Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett: you start the second half with a double digit lead, you have been running the ball successfully with multiple backs, and your quarterback is Brandon Weeden. What would you do? Continue reading
Calm down, buddy.
“It is never too early in the season to overreact” – the first commandment of the football blogger’s bible.
Some teams are 2-0. They’re sitting in a hot tub, reading the morning paper, being hand fed strawberries by European models. There are other teams, however, that are not so fortunate. Some teams are 0-2, and they are smoking three cigarettes at the same time with blood shot eyes and messy hair.
Ladies and gentlemen it’s the first ever Footbawl Blog Freak-out Index! I will be rating, on a scale from 1 to 10, the level that each of the below teams should be freaking out. If your miserable shitty team wasn’t included, I apologize. In case that isn’t clear enough, there will be pop culture clips. Basically this is all a poorly disguised excuse to show a video of Nicholas Cage screaming. Continue reading
For the sake of this story, let’s just take the Drew Brees injury and toss it right out the window. Just pretend it never happened. If you’re a Saints fan I bet you’re already doing that anyway. So keep drinking and keep ignoring reality. As a New Orleanian, I can attest to how easy that is!
As any high schooler can tell you, there are a few things you need to have when running an experiment. You have to have a hypothesis, or idea you can test. We’ll get to that in a second.
You also have to have variables. Different situations you create to see if your hypothesis holds up. Our variables are going to be two rookie quarterbacks: Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota. We’re going to judge their performance over the past two weeks and see if it supports our hypothesis.
You need a control too. I don’t think we have one of those. Or maybe the quarterbacks are the control. Look, I haven’t taken a science class in a long time, okay? Point is, we’re going to look at the two rookies and see if our hypothesis is true. Our hypothesis?
The New Orleans Saints suck Elephant Balls.
Yeah, Sean’s not gonna like this.
Okay, let’s begin! Continue reading