Monthly Archives: October 2011

by | October 31, 2011 · 8:59 am

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week 8

With the Green Bay Packers, a team widely agreed upon as the best in the league, on their bye week it was a chance for a few teams to audition for number 2, or maybe even 1A.

They failed.

On the AFC side the New England Patriots came to Pittsburgh, a place they’ve had a lot of success over the years, and they looked like they had never seen a blitz before.  My personal belief is they were psyched out by Antonio Brown’s horrifying touchdown dance that might haunt me for the rest of my days.  I think the defense held up fairly well all things considered (and by all things, I mean they’re bad) but Tom Brady never had a rhythm.  By the time they got it going it was too late.  Chad Ochocinco is still a non-factor, and apparently is struggling “mightily” to pick up the offense.  What does it say about his football acumen if everyone else that comes into this organization seems to be able to step in and fit in almost immediately?  They sure could have used a few explosive plays from him yesterday.  In the Dallas game a few weeks ago he had seven snaps.  Seven!  Belichick, a unique motivator, could perhaps convince the scoreboard operators to display Chad’s stat line prominently for the entire game.

In the NFC, the Saints just plain shit the bed.  Then they got up and shit on the couch, and in the dining room.  Coming off of their 62 point outburst against the Colts it seemed that maybe this team was ready to settle into elite status and string some wins together.  Then they were more or less dominated by an abysmal Rams team.  No need to talk about this too much, as Nate is still in mourning. 

Still not sold

The second best team could be the Ravens or Steelers, but they have each laid a few eggs that I have a hard time forgetting, and I’d like to reserve judgment until they play each other next week.  There’s always the Lions but until further evidence is presented, they are still the Lions.  The 49ers only have one loss, but do you trust Alex Smith in a big game?  Me either.  I’m having a hard time trusting any of these teams, and an equally hard time writing them off.  Every time it seems like a team is left for dead (The Chiefs, Jets, Falcons, Eagles, etc) they suddenly look great.  This makes it frustrating for me, because as we all know bloggers like nothing more than overreacting and dramatically condemning teams!  But honestly, deciding who the second best team in football right now isn’t important.  It’s just something people like me talk about on Monday mornings.

Speaking of Detroit, Tony Scheffler was trending on twitter for a few minutes yesterday.  The reason?  After scoring a touchdown in Denver he started to go into a “Tebowing” pose, and then to top it off he and teammate Calvin Johnson did the Mile High Salute.  I really enjoy mockery being incorporated into touchdown celebrations.  Either the team you like is doing the mocking which is always fun, or they are being mocked which makes the next touchdown that they score even more satisfying.  By the time Dallas put some points on the board against the Eagles last night the game was already out of hand, but had they gotten into the end zone early I’m sure we all would have enjoyed it if Dez Bryant pretended to electrocute or drown a pound puppy!  No?  Oh, okay.

There have been a lot of 50+ yard field goals this season, and even the ones in the mid to high forties don’t seem to be an issue for a lot of kickers.  The NFL loves touchdowns and hates field goals, so with all the rule changes that have elevated scores over the years, will this ever be addressed?  I hope no one in the competition committee ever starts kicking around the idea that kicking has gotten too easy.  Its already one of the most thankless and stressful jobs in sports, and I wouldn’t want any of these guys to go nuts Ray Finkle style.  But not every kicker is making it look easy.  In fact if I were Olindo Mare I’d probably avoid Cam Newton this week.

Nothing brings out my inner jerk like bad announcing.  Here are a few instances from yesterday where I was audibly groaning:

-Matt Schaub steps back in the pocket and scans the defense for a bit, its to the point you can literally see him going through his progressions.  He then takes off for the rushing touchdown when no one is open.  Marv Albert calls it a designed QB draw.   Brilliant.

-John Lynch on Tim Tebow: “This is my analysis, and not a lot of people may agree, but I just think the kid has got a ton of heart but questionable mechanics may ultimately hinder his career.”  I like how he prefaces the quote with the appearance of controversy, and then literally repeats what 497 announcers have been squawking at all of us for weeks.

-Near the end of the Steelers/Patriots game, an odd play happened.  After a Tom Brady fumble Troy Polamalu intentionally punched the ball into New England’s end zone which lead to a safety.  This should have been a penalty, but the referees missed it.  Jim Nantz thinks this should be reviewed.  Phil Simms has to repeatedly explain to his colleague that you cannot challenge penalties and all they are reviewing is whether it’s a safety or a touchdown.  Jim never seemed to really understand the concept.

-So that mean Simms knows his stuff, right?  Haha, no.  Moments later Phil is blown away by how New England is lining up for their onside kick.  The kicker, my goodness, he’s going to punt this thing!  He acts like this is some seriously revolutionary shit.  Perhaps as an NFL announcer or player he had never seen a safety before.  Because the rules clearly state that you can’t use a tee to kickoff after this occurs.

-Watching NFL Network postgame coverage, doesn’t it just sound like Steve Mariucci is trying way too hard to be the NFL’s version of Dick Vitale?  Or does he take an adrenaline shot to the heart before every broadcast?

Oh, and just in case you didn’t stay up late enough to see this bit of insanity, Andy Reid was 2 for 2 in challenges last night.  Insert apocalypse joke here!  And then put something in the comments section.

Posted by Ben Van Iten

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by | October 30, 2011 · 3:33 pm

The only way the Saints will get to the Superbowl is by poisoning Green Bay, San Fran, and Detroit’s water supply

About fifteen seconds ago, the final whistle blew on the New Orleans Saints game. A few minutes before that, I threw my bowl of nachos into my television screen. The Saints lost to the hapless, hopeless, winless (OH WAIT THEY AREN’T WINLESS ANYMORE NOW ARE THEY) St. Louis Rams. The final score was 31-21, and as a Saints fan that made me very upset. Not only did the Saints lose, but now I have to buy a new TV.

As a football fan with more emotion than logic when it comes to these things, I have attempted to rationalize the Saints’ worst loss in recent memory. They stayed in a crappy hotel room (like, all 53 guys in one room). They were replaced with clones who suck at football. The St. Louis Cardinals, who were in attendance, magically granted the Rams their powers of resiliency and overmanaging coaches.

But as I watched the end of the game, the logical side came out, and I realized something about my favorite football team. They just aren’t very good on the road. Or more fittingly, Drew Brees isn’t very good on the road.

In the Saints’ three games at home, Brees is completing three fourths of his passes, and he has 11 touchdowns compared to 2 interceptions. They are 3-0 in those games. In the 5 games away from the Superdome, Brees has thrown for 7 TDs and 6 INTs. The Saints are 2-3 in those games.

This is not the first time that the Saints have lost to a heavy underdog on the road in the past few years. Last year, they lost to the Cardinals, who at the time were led by Max Hall. I am pretty sure that when I go to Best Buy to replace my TV, Max Hall is going to be the guy selling it to me.

And we’re not going to talk about the playoff game last year. Seriously. If you say anything about Marshawn Lynch and the Seahawks, I will fill your gas tank with rabies.

Even in the two wins this year, Drew Brees and the Saints have not looked good on the road. They needed a last-minute comeback to beat the Panthers, who despite the promising play of Cam Newton are still a bunch of shit-eaters. They only beat the Jaguars because the Jaguars played worse than any team the Saints have played this year who don’t wear big stupid horseshoes on their helmets.

So how does this relate to my title? Well, there are a few teams that are ahead of the Saints in the NFC. And if the Saints have to play any of them on the road, especially in late winter, Drew Brees will probably throw 4,000 interceptions and the Saints will lose. So the only way the Saints can get back to the Superbowl is by making sure that every team with a better record in the NFC starts to lose. A lot.

Luckily for the Saints, there are only 3 road games left at the halfway mark, compared with 5 home games. Plenty of time for the Saints to get a good enough record to avoid playing in any other stadium (except Lambeau field, because the Packers won’t lose this season. I hate you, Ben).

Posted by Nate Raby

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by | · 10:20 am

Gameday!

For the most hungover live tweets around, follow @thefootbawlblog today on twitter!  Through the miracle of technology I will be watching all the games today.

Posted by Ben Van Iten

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by | October 28, 2011 · 4:20 pm

Five things I guarantee will probably happen in week 8. Maybe.

I would recommend betting everything you own on these predictions, but just the same…don’t come crying to me when you are broke and dumpster diving for food.  After all, you are reckless gambler.  Control yourself.

1. You can safely bet the under in the Redskins/Bills game.

The Bills first three games they combined for 113 points.  The last three games they scored 75.  I’m still a believer in this offense (I traded for Fitzpatrick mid-season in fantasy football) and I think they will do well for the most part, but this Washington Redskins defense has only given up 116 points all season.  Even if the Bills have an outburst and score 35 points, the under on 45.5  is still very possible.  What I’m really saying here is the Skins offense stinks.

2. The Christian Ponder optimism will be tempered.

I have heard all week how stoked everyone is about Christian Ponder, and I think he might turn out to be a good pro.  But let us look at the stats for a moment.  In his first start he was 13 for 32, 219 yards, two touchdowns and two picks.  If you take away the first play against Green Bay, a rookie mistake by a player who has no business making them (Tramon Williams), his line is far less sexy.  Have you ever seen so much enthusiasm about a 40% completion performance?  Well, outside of Tim Tebow of course.  I’m not saying that the Vikings shouldn’t be excited, as obviously he has more upside than McNabb, I’m just saying…settle down.  We will see how he does against Carolina, where his rookie counterpart (Cam Newton) has actually given us a valid reason to be excited.

"Yeah, we'll beat the Bengals. LOL."

3. The most common upset pick is hardly ever right

This weekend it is the Seahawks beating the Bengals, which I really don’t agree with. Cincinnati has remained steady over the course of their 4-2 start, and Seattle managed to put up a single field goal last week against the Browns.  Shut up, internet.

4. The jury will remain out on Tim Tebow

This last week it seemed like everything aligned so that the Tebow supporters could chirp (15 point comeback) and the haters could hate (3 for 10 through the first three quarters).  I don’t anticipate anything being solved this week.  Its unlikely the Broncos will win, but Timmy will do enough to keep this debate raging for the foreseeable and unbearable future.  And by that I mean he will complete a sixty yard screen pass and pray for a while.

5. The Chiefs will not only beat the Chargers, they will blow them out

It used to be that you could count on a Norv Turner team starting slow and mounting a late  comeback to barely make the playoffs by the skin of their teeth and eventually lose to the Patriots.  But hey, it’s a new season.  I think this year they will surpise us by starting good and eventually falling apart.  And I feel like I say this every year but, why is Turner anything more than a coordinator?  In an environment where coaches with the track record of Mike Shanahan can be fired for seemingly no good reason, how is he still a head coach?  He’s the offensive side of the ball’s version of Wade Phillips.  Also, something is wrong with Phillip Rivers, even if no one is saying it officially.  Combine this with the fact that the Chiefs have won their last 3 games and are playing this one in Arrowhead, and I smell a surprise route.

Give us your own predictions for week 8 in the comments section!

Posted by Ben Van Iten

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by | October 27, 2011 · 7:21 pm

The Lockout Prevented Me From Making a Simple Phone Call: The Chris Cooley Story

I wish that the Associated Press could get away with spicing up their headlines a little bit. Not only would more people pay attention, but in some cases the headline would be more truthful, too.

Take, for example, this article about Chris Cooley, recently injured tight end of the Washington Redskins. For those of you who don’t have fingers, the article is titled, “Chris Cooley: Lockout cost me season.” I think that the name I created pops more, and it also has the benefit of being more true. And even if the AP doesn’t want to change the format too much, they could go with the less-enthralling-but-still-accurate, “Chris Cooley: I Can’t Take Responsibility For My Own Negligence.”

It’s very sad that Chris Cooley got injured. I’m not a hater. No, I’m a fan of his. As a former owner of his in fantasy football, I fondly remember the many times he got me 4, 5, even sometimes as many as 7 fantasy points a week. I laughed a few weeks ago as he talked trash about Tony Romo while putting up Herculean stats of 1 catch for 4 yards against the grueling defense of the St. Louis Rams. See, usually his words cause me nothing but joy.

But this claim that the lockout is the source behind his injury — “100%” is his quote — does not cause me joy. It causes me — well, I’m not sure what emotion it is, but it’s the emotion that makes you roll your eyes and say, “Bitch, please.”

Chris Cooley got injured, and injuries happen for a variety of reasons. The obvious one is “playing a dangerous game.” Granted, injuries are known to occur when the muscles are inactive and then forced to become active again. And yes, Cooley is hitting on something when he suggests that not being allowed to use team facilities and physicians may have slowed his healing process of a knee that was injured last season.

But it’s not like he can’t pick up a phone and call a doctor. The AP article knows that Cooley is full of shit too, but they can’t say it because of that whole “national press” thing. They were able to give us plenty of lines to read between, however:

Cooley couldn’t work out with the trainers at Redskins Park because, during the lockout, players were barred from team facilities. Yet, even though the game has made him a millionaire many times over, he didn’t hire a physical therapist until June.

If Cooley knew he was injured at the end of last season, there were plenty of things he could have done besides “work through the pain as he always has.” He could have hired a therapist earlier. He could have went to a doctor. Instead, he waited until the season was over for six months to start rehabbing. In the article, Cooley seems to be aware that his story has holes, because he claims that it was because he couldn’t go to the team doctors and trainers.

Oh, yeah. Right. The vaunted medical experts in Washington. The ones who did an amazing job of getting Albert Haynesworth into shape last year.

“No, it’s cool. I think I’ll just lay here for a little bit.”

Bottom line is that Chris Cooley got hurt. It’s unfortunate, and I’m sure it’s frustrating for a tight end who had been the only bright spot on that offense for years to see another tight end overtake him in the depth chart, then lose the rest of his season. I also know that Chris Cooley likes to say outlandish things to get attention, and he had his own blog for awhile, as if he were a white, less-athletic and less-insane Gilbert Arenas. But at some point, you have to take responsibility for things. And pointing a finger at the lockout — which doesn’t even make fans care anymore, since it’s over — is not a good way of dealing with your issues.

Don’t worry, though. I’m sure you’ll come back and be just as exciting as ever!

Posted by Nate Raby

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