Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Buffalo Bills

This week, your favorite team is the Buffalo Bills. I know what you’re going to say: no one likes the Bills. They’ve been irrelevant for years.

You could have fooled me, you bandwagon jumping jackasses.

Remember when the Bills were 4-1?

Those were such happier times then. The Fitzmagic songs. The hope in western New York. The Zubaz. My God, the ZUBAZ. The celebration of no-name players who strung a couple of decent wins together. The ESPN special of Berman saying “NOBODY COICILES DA WAGUNS LIKE DA BUFFAWO BILLS” on loop for three and a half hours.

What a wonderful time it was to be a Buffalo Bills fan. And you knew it was because they popped up fucking EVERYWHERE. People claimed to be Bills fans for ages. There was rejoicing, celebrating, and pretty much Bills lovers everywhere in sight. It made me happy too, because I like seeing teams like that do well.

And then the Bills were like “JUST KIDDING GUYS WE SUCK.”

Since the bye week, the Bills have been disgusting. They won their first game against the Redskins, but at this point I think I could play Rex Grossman and get four interceptions. But over the past three weeks, the Bills have lost and lost big. They have scored 26 points total over that period while averaging 31 A GAME over their first six games. And they’ve given up 27 to the Jets, 44 to the Cowboys, and 35 to the goddamn Miami Dolphins. Before Ryan Fitzpatrick got his huge contract extension, he had thrown for 14 TDs and 7 INTs. Since then, he’s thrown for 2 TDs and 7 INTs. I think further statistical analysis would be the equivalent of putting the head of a Buffalo in Fitzpatrick’s bed, so I’ll stop there.

So yeah, the Bills suck because they got all of the Buffalo sorta-faithful up and excited before once again crushing their hopes with a Norwood-esque wide-right of suckitude. But another reason the Bills suck is they did the exact same thing 3 years ago.

In 2008, with the mighty Trent Edwards at the helm, the Bills got to a 5-1 record before crumbling to 7-9 down the stretch. And that early run has been mostly forgotten about. Why? Well, because it didn’t amount to anything. And odds are if the Bills do this again in a few years, it will surprise us all again. So the Bills suck because they continue to pull these April Fools tricks on us in September and October, and we keep falling for it.

But the Bills also suck because this year they appeared to fall for their own trick. The extension to Fitzpatrick is probably something they felt they had to do, because he was going to be a free agent at the end of the year and he was playing really well to that point. But now, after giving him a 6-year, 59 mil extension, you have to think that the Bills are worried that they handcuffed their future. I don’t think I can fault them for pulling the trigger when they did, and this could just be a bad slump. But it’s bad luck for sure, and bad luck has been plaguing this franchise ever since OJ Simpson killed his wife.

The Bills suck because there was no reason for them to start out so well. With the Lions, their fellows in futility, pundits were predicting that they would have a good year because of the good drafts they’ve had and the progress they had been making at the end of the year. But no one predicted the Bills hot start. They hadn’t made any significant additions; the main thing the Bills had this year was a high-powered offense featuring Harvard and Coe College alums. So now, ten games into the season, it is clear to see why no one predicted this hot start: because it shouldn’t have happened.

Touching on that last mention of the Lions, the Bills suck because they don’t appear to be trying to return to prominence. It’s either that or they’re the worst drafting franchise in history. The Lions’ first round draft picks in 2007, 2009, and 2010 are their bonafide superstars: Calvin Johnson, Matthew Stafford, and House of Spears Suh (I really don’t feel like looking up how it’s spelled) should have a shot at the Pro Bowl this season. If you look at the first round draft picks of the Bills in those three years, it’s a slightly different picture. Marshawn Lynch is doing his best Shaun Alexander with dreads performance in Seattle, Aaron Maybin has finally recorded a sack in New York, and CJ Spiller is flashy but has only had two touchdowns in two years. The point of this obviously out-of-context example is that the Bills have not built well in the draft. And let’s be honest: despite some ridiculous poll that claims Buffalo is the best place to move to, what high profile free agent is going to go to Buffalo? Besides Terrell Owens, of course, but he doesn’t count and never has.

The only way the Bills are going to contend for a playoff spot is to get better through hard work and smart drafting. It isn’t going to happen by catching lightning in a bottle and hoping that teams continue to underestimate them. And until they can find out that winning formula, you better put the Zubaz away. Because five weeks ago you looked like an overly enthusiastic Bills fan, but today you just look more like a homeless person.