Monthly Archives: November 2011

by | · 10:56 am

Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Buffalo Bills

This week, your favorite team is the Buffalo Bills. I know what you’re going to say: no one likes the Bills. They’ve been irrelevant for years.

You could have fooled me, you bandwagon jumping jackasses.

Remember when the Bills were 4-1?

Those were such happier times then. The Fitzmagic songs. The hope in western New York. The Zubaz. My God, the ZUBAZ. The celebration of no-name players who strung a couple of decent wins together. The ESPN special of Berman saying “NOBODY COICILES DA WAGUNS LIKE DA BUFFAWO BILLS” on loop for three and a half hours.

What a wonderful time it was to be a Buffalo Bills fan. And you knew it was because they popped up fucking EVERYWHERE. People claimed to be Bills fans for ages. There was rejoicing, celebrating, and pretty much Bills lovers everywhere in sight. It made me happy too, because I like seeing teams like that do well.

And then the Bills were like “JUST KIDDING GUYS WE SUCK.”

Since the bye week, the Bills have been disgusting. They won their first game against the Redskins, but at this point I think I could play Rex Grossman and get four interceptions. But over the past three weeks, the Bills have lost and lost big. They have scored 26 points total over that period while averaging 31 A GAME over their first six games. And they’ve given up 27 to the Jets, 44 to the Cowboys, and 35 to the goddamn Miami Dolphins. Before Ryan Fitzpatrick got his huge contract extension, he had thrown for 14 TDs and 7 INTs. Since then, he’s thrown for 2 TDs and 7 INTs. I think further statistical analysis would be the equivalent of putting the head of a Buffalo in Fitzpatrick’s bed, so I’ll stop there.

So yeah, the Bills suck because they got all of the Buffalo sorta-faithful up and excited before once again crushing their hopes with a Norwood-esque wide-right of suckitude. But another reason the Bills suck is they did the exact same thing 3 years ago.

In 2008, with the mighty Trent Edwards at the helm, the Bills got to a 5-1 record before crumbling to 7-9 down the stretch. And that early run has been mostly forgotten about. Why? Well, because it didn’t amount to anything. And odds are if the Bills do this again in a few years, it will surprise us all again. So the Bills suck because they continue to pull these April Fools tricks on us in September and October, and we keep falling for it.

But the Bills also suck because this year they appeared to fall for their own trick. The extension to Fitzpatrick is probably something they felt they had to do, because he was going to be a free agent at the end of the year and he was playing really well to that point. But now, after giving him a 6-year, 59 mil extension, you have to think that the Bills are worried that they handcuffed their future. I don’t think I can fault them for pulling the trigger when they did, and this could just be a bad slump. But it’s bad luck for sure, and bad luck has been plaguing this franchise ever since OJ Simpson killed his wife.

The Bills suck because there was no reason for them to start out so well. With the Lions, their fellows in futility, pundits were predicting that they would have a good year because of the good drafts they’ve had and the progress they had been making at the end of the year. But no one predicted the Bills hot start. They hadn’t made any significant additions; the main thing the Bills had this year was a high-powered offense featuring Harvard and Coe College alums. So now, ten games into the season, it is clear to see why no one predicted this hot start: because it shouldn’t have happened.

Touching on that last mention of the Lions, the Bills suck because they don’t appear to be trying to return to prominence. It’s either that or they’re the worst drafting franchise in history. The Lions’ first round draft picks in 2007, 2009, and 2010 are their bonafide superstars: Calvin Johnson, Matthew Stafford, and House of Spears Suh (I really don’t feel like looking up how it’s spelled) should have a shot at the Pro Bowl this season. If you look at the first round draft picks of the Bills in those three years, it’s a slightly different picture. Marshawn Lynch is doing his best Shaun Alexander with dreads performance in Seattle, Aaron Maybin has finally recorded a sack in New York, and CJ Spiller is flashy but has only had two touchdowns in two years. The point of this obviously out-of-context example is that the Bills have not built well in the draft. And let’s be honest: despite some ridiculous poll that claims Buffalo is the best place to move to, what high profile free agent is going to go to Buffalo? Besides Terrell Owens, of course, but he doesn’t count and never has.

The only way the Bills are going to contend for a playoff spot is to get better through hard work and smart drafting. It isn’t going to happen by catching lightning in a bottle and hoping that teams continue to underestimate them. And until they can find out that winning formula, you better put the Zubaz away. Because five weeks ago you looked like an overly enthusiastic Bills fan, but today you just look more like a homeless person.

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by | November 21, 2011 · 3:13 pm

A Christmas Carol: Starring Reggie Bush

The sad thing is Reggie’s the third most famous person in this picture.

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Reggie Bush looks at the schedule on his refrigerator. There is a magnet of the Dolphins’ schedule. In big red letters, the words 3-7 WE SUCK is scribbled. He sighs.

Bush: Ugh. Time for bed.

Reggie Bush walks into his bedroom, where many bitches in gold-plated bikinis are lying on the bed.

Bush: Bitches, I need to be alone right now. Go to the closet or something.

The bitches wordlessly obey, and Reggie sighs again. He puts on his pajamas, including one of those little hats with the poof. He slips into bed and splays his arms out, trying to get comfortable.

Bush: I’m thinking I made the wrong decision.

Bitch in Closet: You talkin to us?

Bush: NO BITCH I’M BEING PENSIVE.

I should never have left New Orleans. I mean, I have my Miami bitches, sure. But we suck, even with our three game winning streak. And I look at the Saints, and they’re doing well. People are saying things like “Reggie Who?” when clearly my last name is Bush.

And then I see Kim, and she’s single again. And all these bitches…they’re not Kim.

Bitch in Closet: You mean we’re not image-obsessed media whores?

Bush: I SWEAR I’LL INSTALL SOUNDPROOF DOORS ON THAT CLOSET!

I kind of want to call her and try to give it another chance. But I know she’ll look at our record and turn it down. She doesn’t want to date a loser. That’s undoubtedly why her marriage didn’t work. Still, I think about it a lot.

I don’t think I can keep doing this. Life feels worthless. And every time I see myself in that Pizza Hut commercial, I want to kill myself a little bit more. You know what? Maybe that’s the answer. Money doesn’t make me happy. Bitches don’t make me happy. We’re not going to get Andrew Luck now. What’s the point?

The air suddenly gets cold. The wind howls as Reggie clutches his covers in fear.

Bush: Who’s there?

A transparent figure appears at the foot of Reggie’s bed. He’s eating grapes. It’s not sexy.

Ghost: Howyadoin?

Bush: AH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Ghost: I’m the Ghost of Poorly Plagiarized Plot Lines. Reggie, you are one of the luckiest people in the world, and you have lost sight of that.

Bush: Maybe, but I hate losing. I miss the good old days. I want to have another Super Bowl ring.

Ghost: I’ve seen the future, you don’t get one.

Bush: Shucks.

Ghost: But that doesn’t matter. You need to focus on the positives, and to do that I have summoned three ghosts to meet you tonight.

Bush: Didn’t Scrooge get them three nights in a row?

Ghost: We’re more efficient. Are you ready to meet the first ghost?

Bush: I guess so.

The howling comes again, and in the place of the first ghost is a transparent Kim Kardashian. She is also eating grapes. It’s a little sexy.

Kim: Hey Reggie.

Bush: Kim!

Kim: I’m not Kim. I’m the Ghost of Girlfriends Past.

Bush: Sure got an ass like Kim.

Kim: I’m just in this form because it’s the best representation of your love life.

Bush: I missed that ass.

He takes a swipe at her and goes through.

Kim: Stop it. Listen to me. You’re regretting leaving because you felt more like a superstar in New Orleans, I understand that. You’re looking at Kim’s wildly successful reality show and wondering why it’s so popular, and why it couldn’t be you getting 19 million dollars for that fake wedding.

Bush: I’m actually wondering if it’s possible to fuck a ghost.

Kim: Just come with me.

Bush: I’d rather come…

Kim: REGGIE SHUT UP.

Kim and Reggie are now in a practice facility in Metairie, La – the Saints facility. Reggie sees himself walking into the facility with Kim on his arm.

Reggie: Hey, there we are! I look happy.

Dream Reggie: I just had sex! And it felt so good!

Dream Kim: Say that a little lower dear.

Dream Reggie: My wife let me put my penis inside of her!

Dream Kim: Stop it. I’m going to go file some paperwork with some lawyers.

Dream Reggie: Okay, I guess I’ll go do this stupid practice.

Dream Kim: Whatever.

Reggie watches himself get ready for practice. As he takes a handoff from Drew Brees, he gets blasted by Jo-Lonn Dunbar.

Dream Jo-Lonn: Was that too hard, Mr. Kardashian?

Dream Reggie: A little, yeah.

Dream Jo-Lonn: Well too bad. This is a practice field for football players, not reality stars.

Reggie: He’s being mean to me!

Kim: They don’t respect you, Reggie. Because you got back with someone who is known for having flighty relationships, and you signed up for this big wedding with her. Now your image as a football player has taken a hit.

Reggie: Well, at least I’m getting sex.

Kim: Not for long. Did you see where Kim was going? She was going to get a divorce. She got a pay-day, got what she wanted, and she doesn’t need you anymore. Did you really think your situation would be different from Kris Humphries?

Reggie: My dick is bigger.

Kim: Even if that is true, she doesn’t care about that. She cares about the money and fame. And when that’s done, your reputation won’t recover. Not only will you be the guy who married the reality princess, you’ll be the guy who got publicly dumped by her, and that won’t help you.

Reggie: I guess not.

Kim: In Miami, you’re just a football player. No one calls you Mr. Kim anymore, or questions your toughness – not because of her, anyway. It’s better to not have that kind of distraction in your career. Do you see what I mean?

Reggie: Yeah. I just want to touch that ass one more time, I guess.

Kim: Fine. Here you go.

She sticks out her now solidified ass and Reggie smiles.

Reggie: Aw yeah, here we go…wha?

They are suddenly whisked back to Reggie’s bedroom. Kim is again at the foot of the bed, and again completely translucent.

Reggie: Shucks.

Kim: It’s time for your second ghost, Reggie.

Howling noise, ghost gone. Now Sean Payton is sitting at the end of the bed, eating grapes. It’s incredibly sexy.

Coach Payton: Hey Reg.

Reggie: Hey Coach.

Coach Payton: I’m the Ghost of Coaches past. I could show up as Pete Carroll, but that would be stupid and irrelevant, because he’s stupid and irrelevant.

Reggie: Makes sense.

Coach Payton: I know you would like to be a part of a winning team right now. And yeah, the Saints are doing pretty well. But as much as it goes against football mentality, you have to think about yourself rather than the team.

Reggie: Don’t follow.

Coach Payton: Then follow me!

Reggie: That was cheesy, coach.

Coach Payton: I’m a coach, not a writer. Just come on.

Reggie and Coach are taken to a sight that Reggie immediately recognizes – gameday. The Saints are winning, as the scoreboard suggests: Saints 47, Packers 14 (Hey, it’s a dream). The sideline is pumped up, except for the lone number 25 at the end of the bench.

Reggie: I don’t look happy.

Coach Payton: You’re not. You’ve had two touches this game. One was a run. You covered thirty-three yards of distance from right to left, but only got two yards total on the run. One was a punt you muffed but recovered. Coach Payton put you on the sideline, and Mark Ingram has run for 152 yards. Looks like you’re the highest paid bench player in the NFL.

Reggie: But we’re winning. That’s what matters, right?

Coach Payton: Be honest with yourself, Reggie – that’s not what matters to you.

As Saints Reggie sits on the bench, Thomas Morstead sits next to him.

Reggie: Oh no.

Coach Payton: That’s right, Reggie. You’re talking to the punter.

Dream Morstead: Don’t worry about it, man. You’ll get ‘em next game.

Dream Reggie: Hm.

Dream Morstead: It’s still a great game. We’re winning! And I haven’t even had to punt once, and I’m still happy!

Dream Reggie doesn’t say anything.

Morstead: So, tell me, what’s fucking Kim like?

Reggie: I don’t want to see any more of this, Coach.

Coach Payton: Fine, let’s go.

They’re brought back to Reggie’s Bedroom. Payton eats another grape.

Coach Payton: See, Reggie? You wouldn’t be happy in New Orleans not getting your share. Even right now, you’ve been helping the Dolphins and putting up respectable stats. You’re on your way to having the most rushing yards of your career. And I know that makes you happier than being the third option behind Pierre Thomas and Mark Ingram.

Reggie: Yeah. I like that.

Coach Payton: I think you’re ready for the third ghost.

Reggie: Bring it on.

One more howl. One more wind. Now a ghost of Nate Raby is eating grapes at the foot of the bed. It’s the sexiest thing ever.

Reggie: Who are you?

Nate: I’m the Ghost of Fantasy Owners Past. I’m not going to take you to a dream, because you remember how bad you were in fantasy football.

Reggie: I never cared about that.

Nate: WELL WE DO, REGGIE. I had the misfortune of drafting you a few years ago. You averaged me four points. I drafted you in the 12th round, and even that was a reach. You stayed on my bench all year long. And since fantasy football is a really popular sport among football fans, you were considered a bust based on your lack of points alone.

Reggie: I’m not a bust.

Nate: I don’t think you are either. But for people who want evidence that you’re overpaid and not worth a high pick, all they have to do is look at your fantasy production of the past few years. The Saints were winning, but outside of a few games here and there, you weren’t one of the big contributors. You were useless, and at one point your owner percentage was less than ten.

Reggie: Thanks for making me feel better.

Nate: IT GETS BETTER REGGAE BUSH! This year, you’ve improved to 100% owned! And over the past few weeks, you’ve blown up. You’ve had more than ten points over the past four weeks, and you’ve even gotten a 100 yard rushing game under your belt! So, in closing…

Reggie: Shouldn’t the first ghost tell me that?

Nate: I’m the best looking ghost, so I get the conclusion.

Reggie: One of the ghosts looked like Kim Kardashian.

Nate: IN CLOSING, things are better for you now than ever before. Your team is showing that they can be competitive. A few more years could make you a playoff team. You’re being featured as a main back and putting up stats. And dude, ass or not, you dodged a big old fucking bullet with Kim.

Reggie: Yeah, you’re right! I’ve regained the Christmas spirit!

Nate: What the fuck are you talking about? This was something to make you not want to kill yourself. Jesus, athletes are stupid sometimes.

Nate disappears, leaving Reggie by himself.

Reggie: Thanks, ghosts! I’m ready to approach life again! Hey bitches, get out of the closet and give me some lovin!

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by | · 9:04 am

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week 11

CUTLAAAAAAAAAAH!

A lot of Bears fans on my Facebook feed are pretty distressed about the injury to Jay Cutler, and for good reason.

"Vacay!"

During his battle with the Chargers and Philip Rivers (or as I like to call it, “the douchebag facial expression bowl”) it was reported that he broke his thumb and will miss at least 6 weeks of action.  Seems bad, yeah?  Over their five game winning streak he has played as well as he ever has in a Bear uniform, and managed to not turn the ball over.  If you can make statements like these about your quarterback, you are usually going to win some football games.  It would stand to reason that losing a player like this would mean that you are going to lose some football games.  But this might not be a fatal blow to the Bears’ season.  If the Bears make the postseason I believe that he will do whatever he possibly can to play, especially after his injury in last year’s NFC championship game, and the venomous tweetstorm that followed.

And as far as making the playoffs?  The Bears schedule isn’t exactly rough.  Their next four games are against the Raiders, Chiefs, Broncos, and Seahawks.  If they run the ball and play the kind of defense they are capable of playing, Caleb Hanie should be able to pull out some wins down the stretch.  The last few games Cutler’s stats have not been gaudy; he has been an effective game manager.  Although there will be an obvious dropoff, I think Hanie can achieve similar results against this kind of competition.  Unlike Matt Leinart, this scenario most likely doesn’t involve him having to win playoff games which I think is a big distinction.  Also, the NFC wildcard competition is not as menacing as it once was.  The Bears have the tiebreaker on the Falcons, the Lions still have to play the Packers twice, and whoever doesn’t win the East between the Cowboys and Giants will probably have a few more losses before its all said and done as they still have to play each other a few times.

Of course it’s also possible that Hanie will take the field and just Todd Collins the shit out of this thing.  In case you are wondering my personal feelings on the matter, I don’t like injuries but I’m hoping for their complete and utter collapse!  Happy Monday Chicago!

Vince Young vs. Eli Manning: Who made the dumber pre-season statement?

The declaration of the “Dream Team” has earned Vince Young quite a bit of flack so far this season, but somehow no one really seemed to have a problem with Eli Manning putting himself in the same category as Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, and Aaron Rodgers.  Sure, it was a talking point at first, but as the season went on people started to give credence to this statement because the team won a few games and once you have a super bowl ring on your finger people want to mistake that for “intangibles”.  Yes intangibles, that thing that Terry Bradshaw drools all over himself about.  It’s comfortable for football commentators to bring up that word because that means they don’t have to actually explain anything.

Eli Manning is just another QB in this league that can look great one week, and look awful the next with no real consistency, rhyme, or reason.  He’s an older and wiser Joe Flacco.  Eli had a chance to bury a division rival on Sunday night but turned it over twice and was ultimately outplayed by Vince Young at home.

He’s still a good QB, and the Giants might very well still win that division, but the next time he throws for 300 yards or leads a fourth quarter comeback let’s all just try to keep our heads…okay?

10-0

Another memo to NFL pundits: after a team has started 10-0, and won 16 straight overall, you don’t get to start sounding alarms until they lose a game.  You just don’t.

“Their defense is still giving up points.”

“OMG Rodgers threw an interception.”

“The Buccaneers have created a blueprint to beat Green Bay!”

There really has to be something else you can talk about.  If the Packers lose a shootout on Thanksgiving and their defense gives up a big score late when it actually matters then I’ll be drinking vodka alone in the dark at a relatives house and we can all panic together!

Other Stuff

-The Buffalo Bills did not convert a single third down against Miami on Sunday.  Yeah.

-After blowing coverage on Dez Bryant in overtime Washington CB DeAngelo Hall told reporters that he is playing so bad that they should cut him and he is making too much money.  At this point I think players will say almost anything to get out of Washington, including acting humble!

-The Carolina Panthers management has a clear goal for the offseason: spend every dime you have on defense, because Cam Newton is ready to win right now.  He has turned the ball over, but if you get a full off-season under his belt this guy is ready to take this team places.  Panthers put 35 points on the board against the Lions and it wasn’t good enough.

-Phil Simms continued to say unbearable things about football on Sunday.  Towards the end of the Chargers defeat against the Bears where they had played awful on special teams, given up 31 points on defense, and turned the ball over three times on offense Simms offered them encouragement saying that they should be proud of how they played.  And oh yeah, they had exactly 0 yards of offense in the 4th quarter.  Proud is the word I’d use!

I will be back on Wednesday with gambling advice for the Thanksgiving games.  Enjoy Monday Night Football everyone!

Posted by Ben Van Iten.

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by | November 18, 2011 · 12:11 pm

The Trial of Matt Leinart

Sometime in the middle of the Houston’s route of the Bucs last week, sports writers everywhere high fived themselves as they started to formulate a plan to declare the Texans the new trendy pick to win the AFC.  Matt Schaub was looking dependable even without Andre Johnson, they were running for a gazillion (estimate) yards per game, and the defense was considered one of the league’s best.

Then on Monday came the grim news that Matt Schaub was done for the year.  Analysts have been scrambling ever since to debate whether or not Matt Leinart will be able to have success in this offense.  Today the former USC QB is charged with six counts of “probably gonna ruin this awesome season, dude”.  The DA also tried to convict him of “having soft hair, like girl” but it was thrown out.  The prosecution is headed up by Ben Van Iten, and Nathan Raby has the defense.  The attorney’s closing statements have been recorded by our court reporter, and are displayed below.

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Ben stands up from his chair, and slowly walks towards the juror’s box.  He spends a few moments individually winking at every single juror.  A woman in the front row clutches the spot in her pocket where she normally keeps her pepper spray.

Ben: Good morning members of the jury.  I’m going to tell you a story.  As a young man I worked at an insurance company, where I processed policies.  One day I called in sick, and some of my workload had to go to a lesser experienced member of the team.  He was put in a position to succeed.  He had my kickass notes, months of training, and a support group around him.  But alas he still managed to screw up several policies.  Years later I think he committed vehicular manslaughter, hit a family or something.

The jury gasps.

That’s not related.

Ben begins to pace back and forth.

I know what Nate is planning on saying: Matt Leinart doesn’t have to do that much.  He just has to hand the ball off to Arian Foster and Ben Tate.  Throw some dump off passes.  Occasionally throw up a jump ball to Andre Johnson.  It sounds easy enough, yeah?  Well I’m afraid it’s not.  I don’t care how good your running game is, if you are a one dimensional football team defensive coordinators are able to take that away.  Certainly Foster will get his yards, but Matt is going to get stuck in several situations every game where everyone knows that he has to throw.  He’s going to have to step up in the pocket with the pass rush coming, and deliver a strike with the defense in his face and I don’t think he can do it.

If he couldn’t do it in Arizona with Fitz and Bolden, what has changed?  The experts want to tell you about how three hours before each game that he and the assistants work on his foot work.  They want to show clips of him making a few throws in the pre-season.  WELL AS SURE AS MY NAME IS NOT BENJAMIN BUMPERNICKEL THIS ISN’T THE PRE-SEASON, SON!

Ben stomps his foot for effect.  One juror begins to sob.

Matt Leinart is one of those guys who is going to get several shots during the course of his career because he seems like a proto-typical QB.  But he just doesn’t have “it”.  I don’t think he can read an NFL defense.  Now I’m not saying that the Texans aren’t going to make the playoffs.  They might even win their crappy division with 9 wins.  But on the road against Pittsburgh in January, when it’s third and ten and the offense can’t even hear themselves think, you going to place your money on an inconsistent golden boy “game manager” from California?

I don’t think so.  Say goodbye to your Super Bowl aspirations, Texans.  And for the love of god someone make Matt Leinart apologize to that poor guy with the tattoo.  The prosecution rests.

Nate brushes past Ben and gives him an intentional bump with his shoulder. The jury gasps as Nate smiles at them and shuffles the papers he is holding.

Nate: So Nate is going to tell you that he doesn’t have to do much, right? Damn, I keep forgetting to lock my office so Ben doesn’t sneak in and steal my notes. Fine. We’ll do this one off the top of my head.

Nate throws the papers in the air. Two pages land on the Judge’s desk. One of these papers reads, “BEN VAN ITEN SUCKS.” The other is a take-out menu for China Star II.

Football is a team sport, respectable jurors. And while the quarterback is the most important position, there are countless examples of teams doing well even without a star quarterback. I could say Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson, but I’m sure you would just laugh at me.

They do.

So instead I’ll offer a more recent example. May I direct your attention to the career of Mark Sanchez. Another former USC quarterback with more modeling talent than football talent. And yet for the past two years, the Jets were in the AFC Title game. They were at one point leading by 11 points against the Colts for the right to go to the Super Bowl and lose to the Saints! Now if you look at the Jets’ performance this year, you will see that their record is paltry and their chances of making the playoffs are not great. Last night they lost to the Denver Broncos, bringing them down to .500. However, and it may sound hard to believe, Sanchez’s stats are just as good, if not better, than they ever have been. He’s completing a higher percentage of passes, and he has four more touchdowns than interceptions.

So what changed?

The team changed. The defense changed. Whereas the Jets were 1st in points allowed in 2009 and 6th in 2010, they are currently 16th. Their running game, which had been top of the league in 2009 and top 5 in 2010, is currently 24th. So with a top running game and a top defense, Mark Sanchez’s many flaws were hidden, and the Jets prospered.

Stats are fun! Want to look at more?

The jurors nod.

Matt Leinart’s longest tenure of quarterbacking was in 2006, when he started 11 games for the Cardinals. His record was 4-7. But let’s look at the team, shall we? Arizona was 29th in points allowed and 30th in rushing. Before he got injured the next year, he was playing for a team that would end up ranking 27th and 29th in those same categories. So while his play was not spectacular, the play around him wasn’t that good either.

But this is a different story in Houston. Houston is 2nd in points allowed and 3rd in total rushing yards. They have the personnel to keep opposing offenses off the field and opposing defenses on it. And while Matt Schaub is undoubtedly a better quarterback than Leinart, he isn’t one of the elite players. But he has still led this team – this pretty good team – to a division lead and, until his unfortunate injury, one of the best records in the AFC.

Even if all of those pretty stats weren’t true, there’s one thing different about Leinart now and Leinart in Arizona: he has sat. He has been humbled. He has been told that he isn’t good enough. So now, after seeing how Matt Schaub ran this offense the right way, he is given another chance. And because it’s on a good team, he is going to succeed. What is success? Well, for a team like Houston, who’s never had it, success is a playoff win. Success is not being blown out at home. I don’t know if they’ll make the Super Bowl, but I don’t think their chances are gone. What helps you win football games? Defense. Running. And the occasional throw to Andre Johnson. No matter the arm throwing that ball, the Texans have a team that can win. Defense rests.

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The jurors can deliberate in the comments section.

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