With the time winding down in what would become another canonized verse in the Gospel According to Tebow, Chargers kicker Nick Novak was struck by a feeling we’re all familiar with: the body telling you it’s time to urinate. Unable to ignore the urge and unable to leave the sideline in a critical moment, he peed on the sideline in front of thousands of fans and, thanks to the camera crew filming it, millions at home. His actions have been put on trial by our fake authority. Nate Raby heads up the prosecution, while Ben Van Iten has the defense.
Nate: Jurors, urination is a natural thing. It’s something the defense will bring up, and it’s something that is undoubtedly true. People do it all the time. Older men sometimes wish they could do it more.
The jurors collectively blink. Nate scratches his head.
Note to self: prostate cancer jokes don’t go over well in courtrooms.
Yes, the act of peeing is natural. But there is a time and place for such acts. The time is before you really have to go, and the place is the locker room during halftime. If you’re a parent, and you’re on a road trip with your kid, don’t you tell them to go before you leave? And don’t they say, “But mooooooom or daaaaaaaad, I don’t have to go”? And don’t you say “I don’t fucking care, you little shit, you better go anyway”? And if you get in the car, and they need to pee an hour in, aren’t you really mad at them? Don’t you punish them at this point?
Shouldn’t we hold Nick Novak to a higher standard than we hold a child?
Novak is a professional. He should know this could happen. He should know that because God has sprinkled fairy dust over all of Denver’s games, they are going to be really close contests so Tebow can continue to pull miracles out of his ass. Knowing this, Novak should be prepared. There’s no reason for him to need to pee so bad that it becomes a public display for millions to see and laugh about on the internet. Seriously, Nick Novak is probably the most viewed pisser on the internet that doesn’t involve porn.
And that’s another reason this needs to be condemned. Public urination is one of the more popular arrests I’ve seen in my life. I lived inNew Orleans, and let me tell you: if that city, one of the most famously relaxed cities in the world, will bring you to jail for public urination, why is Nick Novak getting a pass? Not only is it public — it’s seen nationwide! If I got picked up for peeing in an alley off of Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, this guy should get picked up for peeing in front of America. The defense rests.
After giving his notes a final glance, Ben stands up and walks towards the jury.
Ben: In a perfect world, Nate is right. Certainly it isn’t ideal for my client to urinate in front of America, especially with such a god fearing Tebow loving crowd watching at home. But here’s the thing…sometimes you just got to go. Like right now. I’m on the verge of pissing myself because of prudes like Nate!
A few jurors cringe. Ben paces faster than usual.
If this was a repeat offense, I’d understand Nate’s point. If Mr. Novak was constantly chugging XL slushies from the local 7-11 on the sidelines and was late for extra points because he had his dick in his hand wizzing everywhere, I’d understand Nate’s point. And yes, I’m bringing back the term wizzing!
He fist bumps a juror.
But this is obviously a special circumstance. Of course you want your players to urinate at half time, and I’m sure he did. But some people just have smaller bladders than others and sometimes you have to pee in a situation that is inopportune to say the least. Here’s a question I want you to kick around, “what was the alternative for Nick?” Honestly, what was he supposed to do? Sprint back to the locker room and possibly not be available in a key spot for his team? Kickers get enough grief already. If he would have done that the defense would be trying him for another crime entirely. Was he supposed to hold it and potentially sustain long term damage? Was he supposed to piss in his pants? Why isn’t there a porta-potty on the sideline anyway? And why isn’t there one in this god damn court room!?!
I’m not saying this has to get carried away. We don’t need female soccer players squatting into a cooler or whatever…
A few of the creepier jurors perk up.
But Nick Novak was stuck in a unique situation, and he did the best thing for his team and his long term health. To compare this to a kid on a road trip would be irresponsible and disingenuous. Don’t let the prosecution’s hatred of homeless people and children cloud this issue! The defense rests.
The jury may now deliberate in the comments section.