Night of the Living Dead 4: Favre From Over

(Alternate title suggested by reader Scott: Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Quarterback)

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Lovie Smith has seen better days. His shirt is ripped, there is blood on his chin, and his bald dome is glistening with sweat. He looks right and left quickly, then takes off in a run that would make Devin Hester blush. He hears the grunting and screaming behind him, getting closer and closer. It’s as if his eardrums have been occupied with the sounds of death closing in around him. He feels a swipe at his shoulder, and he closes his eyes and waits for it to be over.

“Lovie, over here!”

He doesn’t know where the voice is coming from, but at this point he doesn’t care. It’s a voice, a real human voice – he’d do anything to follow it, even put Cutler on IR. But thinking like that was what got him into this mess.

Lovie gets away just in time. He hears the gnashing of teeth – thankfully his skin wasn’t caught in between them. He flies through the open door and slams it. It is only then that he decides to look at his erstwhile savior.

Kubiak: Lovie, are you okay?

Lovie: Gary! God am I glad to see you!

Kubiak: Did he get you?

Lovie: No, but he’s coming this way. It’s only a matter of time. He always comes back. He’s gotten everyone else.

Kubiak grimaces.

Kubiak: Not everyone…just the ones dumb enough to think they need him. But we don’t.

Lovie: No, you don’t. You’re doing fine with TJ Yates. But me, I’m…

Lovie sighs.

Lovie: We lost to the Chiefs, Gary. The Chiefs. Maybe we do need him. Maybe I should go back out there and…

Kubiak: No, man! Thinking like that will get you killed! Did you see what he did to Chilly? To Mangini?

The door buckles as a loud thud is heard. Lovie and Kubiak look at each other in fear.

Favre: Is that you, guys? Come on, let me in. I just want to talk about the possibilities.

Lovie: He’s here, Gary! The zombie is here, and he won’t stop until one of our careers is DEAD!

Kubiak: Calm down, Lovie. We can survive this.

Another loud thud.

Favre: I’ll be honest, Gary. I’m not even that interested in you. I tend to like teams in the north, y’all know what I mean? It makes my drawl sound more appealin’.

Lovie: It does sound pretty appealing…

Kubiak slaps Lovie in the face.

Kubiak: Listen to yourself, man! Things aren’t so desperate. You don’t need him.

Lovie: But Matt went down, Gary! Matt is injured and so is Jay. Caleb Hanie sounds like a Swedish porn name. Saint Ditka doesn’t even think he can be an NFL quarterback, and that’s from a guy who is on the Tebow bandwagon! I’m screwed if I don’t let him play.

Favre: Lovie? Are you in there, Lovie? Peter King said you’d want to talk to me. And I’ll listen. You’ll find listnin’s just one of my many strengths. I got a lotta strengths, Lovie. Strengths like slingin’ the football without care, havin’ a lot of fun out on the field, just playin’ like a big ol’ kid…

Lovie: That does sound good, actually…we’d have a lot of fun out there.

Kubiak: Lovie, NO. You won’t! Remember last year? Remember how the Vikings sold their soul for a shot at a championship? Look what happened! Chilly’s gone. The team is in shambles. You don’t want that to be you. And playing like a kid? Lovie, THE MAN IS FORTY TWO FUCKING YEARS OLD. He is NOT a big kid. He is an old man. He is EIGHT YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME, and I’ve been head coach for 6 years! And I haven’t even brought up the most important part, Lovie.

Another thud. This time, the wood breaks a little. Lovie gasps, but Kubiak remains calm. He bends down and grabs a long piece of wood, swinging it lazily.

Kubiak: He won’t fit into your offense. There’s only one person who is more of an old stubborn asshole than he is, and that’s Mike Martz. He’d have to hold onto the ball longer. You know who takes worse sacks than Cutler? Favre. He’d get blasted. It would be a disaster. And think of the interceptions! Someone would have to go. And you know who that would be, Lovie. They’ve wanted to get rid of you for years. This would give them the perfect excuse.

Lovie: …you’re right, Gary. You’ve always been right. You’re my best friend.

Lovie Smith hugs Kubiak, who looks uncomfortable.

Kubiak: Actually we don’t really know each other, but whatever.

Lovie: I don’t need him. I don’t need him at all.

CRASH! The door busts down and the zombie bursts in. Slow and shuffling,  with blood all over his Vikings jersey – blood of countless coaching careers left in his wake. His limbs are bruised and possibly broken, but he still shuffles forward all the same. His eyes are wild and bloodshot.

Favre: WELL I NEED YOU, LOVIE! You better believe I need you. I need people to talk about me. I need to be the first name on everybody’s watch list. I need to be seen and heard.

Kubiak: Then go on ESPN! Be an analyst! I’m sure you’ll be better than Antonio Pierce.

Favre: Duh, anybody could. But I don’t want that. I want to be more than a talking head. More than a bloated ass in some Wrangler jeans. I want to play forever, and in order to do that I need your career, Lovie. I need you to give me the chance.

Lovie: No, Brett. You’ll never play again. It’s over.

Favre smiles sadly and shakes his head.

Favre: I’m afraid you don’t have much of a choice in the matter, Lovie.

The zombie charges. Gary Kubiak raises the stick to attack Favre, but Brett throws a wild spiral that knocks the stick out of Gary’s hand. The ball is then intercepted by Johnathan Joseph and returned for a touchdown.

Favre: No use fightin’, guys. Just give in. I’m the quarterback of your future, Lovie. Forget Jay. Just sign me and it’ll all be over.

Lovie: He’s too strong, Gary! I can’t avoid it anymore.

Kubiak: I know, buddy. I’ll miss you. Maybe I’ll hire you as my defensive coordinator after Wade Phillips inevitably eats himself to death.

Lovie sighs and closes his eyes.

Favre: That’s it, Lovie. I’ll look good in navy blue and burnt orange. Nobody has the number 4, do they? If they do we’ll just kill ‘em. It’ll be all right. Just let me…

BOOM.

Lovie opens his eyes slowly to see the Favre zombie standing in front of him.

Without a head.

The body wavers for awhile, then drops into a heap on the floor. All across America, sunshine breaks through the clouds and children begin to sing. Everyone recognizes it as the best day in recorded history.

Turning around, Lovie and Gary see who saved them from Favre.

Ryan Longwell: Are you guys okay?

Lovie: Yeah…I think so.

Ryan Longwell: That was close. You almost kissed your career goodbye, and for what? To lose to the Packers in the playoffs?

Lovie: Yeah. I don’t know what I was thinking.

Ryan Longwell: I do. I took two chances on that guy. It’s my fault that Childress is dead. I’ll never forgive myself for that. So I figured the least I could do was save a coach from making the same mistake that I did. That I made Chilly make.

Lovie: I’m glad you did. How can I ever thank you, Ryan?

Longwell smiles.

Ryan Longwell: You don’t have to. The knowledge that a kicker saved your life is thanks enough. See you in Week 17, Lovie.

Lovie: See you…

Longwell leaves, flipping the orange tee in the air as he walks away. Kubiak and Lovie look at each other.

Kubiak: I can’t believe we almost had another season with Brett Favre.

Lovie: Yeah. Let’s never mention that fucker’s name ever again.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Night of the Living Dead 4: Favre From Over

  1. Scott

    I don’t think 2 coaches talk like this except maybe the Har’bros.

    Ryan Longwell? Why can’t Milla Jovovich be the one to come in and clean up this shit? Maybe in hot lady football hooker garb like a bikini bottom, footbawl pads, and a torn classic jersey. A much better mental image. As much as everyone wants Favre to stay gone, footbawl is drama like pro wrestling. You know deep down in your heart you wanna see that old degenerative bastard come back and completely decimate the team he plays for with a critical interception! I don’t care how pure your intentions, you know you wanna see it. It’s like a freaking car accident, you know it’s terrible and it’s all just wrinkled metal but you’re still gonna look when you drive by, mouth gaped, like you’ve never seen one before.

    I think it would happen a little different.
    Favre: ::kicks door open:: Who does a guy have to show his cock to to get a starting QB job around here?

    Receptionist: Please see Mr. Sandusky in the shower area. He’s been expecting you.

    Favre: Man, this is going to be a pain in the ass interview isn’t it?

    Too soon? Probably, but it’s the internet. Whatcha gonna do?

  2. Len

    Sigh. As funny as this was to read, allow me to bring some level of brevity to the misconception that is…Brett Favre.

    Brett Favre a few years ago, had the Jets on the CUSP of being the best team in the AFC. (As a Jets fan, I was absolutely GIDDY knowing #4 had em’ at a point that had never been seen before.) To this day, I blame the breakdown more on Man-dumi (Burn In ESPN Hell, bastard. BURNNNNN!!!) for their collapse more than I blame Favre.

    “But Len, he killed Chilly.”

    No, Chilly KILLED Chilly. Brad Childress was a good offensive coordinator who was a SUCKY head coach. Let’s get out of blaming Brett Favre cause it’s the cool thing to do. Brett got this team to within a COIN FLIP of winning the NFC two seasons ago. And I fully believe if they beat the Saints, he wins the Super Bowl and becomes one of a handful of greats to win titles with well…rival teams. (Only Deion is on this list, winning titles as a Niner and Cowboy.) Chilly had tons of injuries he couldn’t overcome, egos he couldn’t manage and in the end, turned out to be in way over his head. Brett Favre coming to Chicago doesn’t help the Bears any more than asking ole #5 to come home and salvage things. Martz’s system is as flawed as the personnel (or utter lack thereof) that they have. Whomever they put behind center, better have wheels and be prepared to use em’. Cause that line’s not giving you time to throw. Throw to the ground? Sure. And that’s banking on having enough time for the ball to be released before some defender smashes into the QB. Favre wouldn’t last a game before walking back to the locker room, packing his bag and heading home. McNabb…he’s just done. He’s been benched in favor of Grossman and Ponder the last two seasons. If he’s not done, I’m a Republican. (Which I’m not, but still. It’s not a great sign.)

    Chicago’s stuck. Hanie’s probably good for a GAME. Not a playoff push. Hostetler was great for a few games back in the day filling in for Phil Simms. Won a Super Bowl with him. Oakland learned he’s not exactly a guy who can lead your franchise for 16 games a season or two later.

    • I’m not going to attack any of your points, whether I agree with them or not. All I’ll say is that you’re using the word brevity wrong.

    • Matt K

      Your quarterback is Mark Sanchez LOL.

    • Scott

      Wait, so you mean Favre almost taking the Jets to the playoffs (they finished 3rd AFC East that year) is better than Sanchez making it to the conference championship 2 straight years, and possibly the playoffs a 3rd straight year if they get a WC slot?

      That is all!

    • Brett Favre’s “I was upset because the Packers won’t trade me to a division rival!” interview, combined with Collingsworth wiping his tears, was still to this day one of the most pathetic things I have ever seen in sports. Guy is one of the top 3 of all time right now I’d say (when Manning and Brady retire he’ll probably be kicked out of that spot) but he was a class A jackass, end of story.

      Favre could help the Texans possibly, but the Bears? No way, for a lot of the reasons Len mentioned. Just the same, as a Packers fan it’d be great to see him in a Bears uniform!

      • Scott

        Meh, I think anything could help them, and if it’s all down hill anyway, why not let them try regardless of how crazy it is or farfetched success might be! What’s the worst that could happen, they keep losing or they start winning?

        Maybe Favre and McNabb start a retirement home in Mississippi called The 4 More Seasons!

  3. Dozo

    The media infatuation with Favre makes me want to punt kittens. That is all!

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