Listen. The Tebow thing is a little funny. It’s even cute. “Look at the guy succeed in the face of adversity! He’s so good even though he isn’t that good at throwing the ball! I’m so impressed!” And I am too. I can understand it. It’s a nice story. It’s a fun story.
But then, like they do with most things, ESPN had to ruin everything.
This morning, they created a video piece using Tebow’s clips as background. That’s common. That’s fine.
The narration they used in the process was not.
Okay…here we go. Capslock rant time.
“IF—” BY RUDYARD KIPLING CANNOT BE USED AS SOME GENERALITY TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE FACING TOUGH TIMES. IT WAS ABOUT A BATTLE THAT LED TO THE SECOND BOER WAR. A BATTLE, BY THE WAY, THAT THE BRITS LOST. IT WAS NOT ABOUT BEING DOUBTED BY A BUNCH OF OVERPAID FUCKING SKEPTICS. DO NOT TAKE SOMETHING THAT HAD A DEEP SPIRITUAL AND CULTURAL SIGNIFICANCE AND APPLY IT TO A FOOTBALL PLAYER WHOSE WORST PROBLEM IS SOME PEOPLE THINK HE CAN’T THROW THE HIDE OF A FUCKING PIG VERY WELL.
TIM TEBOW IS NOT HATED ON THE SAME SCALE THAT LED TO WAR IN ENGLAND. THERE IS NOTHING ON THE LINE IN THIS SCENARIO. AT THE VERY WORST, HE CAN GO HOME TO HIS RICH PARENTS AND CONTINUE MINISTRY WORK, SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY COULD MATTER IN LIFE. BRINGING POETRY INTO THIS? FUCK THAT.
YOU CAN HAVE THESE CUTE LITTLE DEBATES ABOUT THE SUSTAINABILITY OF TEBOW’S GAME ALL DAY LONG. THAT’S FINE. DON’T BRING REAL WORLD PROBLEMS INTO THIS. DON’T BRING BRITISH HISTORY INTO THIS. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T BRING MOTHERFUCKING POETRY INTO THIS. SOME THINGS ARE SACRED. TIM FUCKING TEBOW IS NOT ONE OF THEM.
…There. I feel a little better.
Editor’s note: I realize that Wimbeldon used the poem as well. It was just as stupid then as it is now. Seriously, fuck this whole thing. Fuck it so, so, so hard. Clearly I’m an English major.