Monthly Archives: February 2012

by | February 29, 2012 · 11:00 am

Team Retrospective: Pittsburgh Steelers

Quick disclaimer: Any sexual innuendos in this piece are unintentional and purely coincidental. That said, the Steelers roster had a lot going for it in 2011. It looked good overall, was experienced at many positions, cutely inexperienced at others, and gritty yet charming. Their fan base, per usual, was justifiably smitten. Then a young studly Bronco stepped in and with a single flick of his wrist rudely backdoored the innocent hopefuls, leaving them teary-eyed, stunned, and not sure whether to call the authorities.

So on paper the Steelers did have a damn fine season, going 12-4 in what proved to be the toughest division in the AFC, and booking their sixth trip to the playoffs in the last eight years. And get this: of their four regular season losses, all of them were to eventual division winners (Houston, San Francisco, and Baltimore twice). If I were a real sportswriter who did real research, I’d probably find this feat to be an anomaly in the Super Bowl era, at least for teams with 2+ losses. But for now we’ll just assume I’m correct because it is a pretty cool stat and shows they got their business done against the teams they were supposed to beat. But 2011 will nonetheless be recalled as a soul-crusher of a season for Terrible Towel owners.

Team Highlight: Edging out the Patriots in week 8 at Heinz Field. New England has spent a lot of time beating up on Pittsburgh in recent years. They’d won six of the last seven matchups, but Pittsburgh finally showed up and did just about everything right in this game. Big Ben threw for 350, the defense was stingy and smart, and everything culminated in future Super Bowl-losing quarterback Tom Brady fumbling the ball out of his own end zone, resulting in a safety in the Patriots’ final possession. Pittsburgh suddenly found itself with a tidy four-game win streak after starting their schedule an uninspired 2-2.

It was a lowlight for Steeler fans, and rational people everywhere

Team Lowlight: It’s tempting to rebel and say “Well, you know, the two losses to the Ravens, cuz it gave them the division and then home field, because you know, they like hate them and stuff.” But let’s be real. There’s no way in hell that the bottoming-out moment wasn’t Tim Tebow’s final, divinely-inspired over-the-middle overtime dagger in Denver. The play that doubtlessly runs in horrific slow-motion at least twice a day in the mind of every Steelers fan in the known universe. One play to end them all. The Steelers are/were the better team, and they knew it and they let that happen. I wonder if a single person in the tri-state area went to church the following Sunday. Probably not.

Team MVP: Ben “The Ladies Man” Roethlisberger. Even if you hate him as a player or primarily think of him for his off-the-field douchebaggery, at least admit he’s tough. A bad foot forced him to hobble around in what looked like a cement shoe for most of the season, and he still topped 4,000 yards, 20 TDs, and was, as always, a bear for defensemen to bring down. (Side note: Was it just me or did he look fatter than ever this year? Maybe his flak jacket was stuffed with Twinkies for extra protection?) He helped turn Antonio Brown into a marquee receiver and held down an offense that was not always the prettiest, but one of the most efficient in the league in terms of scoring and clock management.

It's important to be available to the fanbase

Needs: What they need is to keep Mike Wallace. The Steelers have cap space issues and it will be a serious blow if they can’t afford to re-sign him. After Antonio Brown, the WR depth chart literally gets old fast, and that 1-2 punch will allow their offense to step back and grind out games on the ground when they want to. Also, fix that offensive line already. It’s a recurring issue. Your quarterback is beat up and if he didn’t have the build of a Coke machine, the O-line would’ve had another 20+ sacks to their credit.

What’s in a Pittsburgh Steelers’ Fan’s Fridge: Steel Reserve. I’m taking the lazy way out and I’m sorry, but this is too convenient a pun not to use it. The Steelers fan has no choice but to get black-out drunk on 40s for the next six months and hang by a single thread of sanity ‘til week 1. They’ll be good again. Just don’t TEBOW think TEBOW about TEBOW Tebow. TEBOW.

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

 Nope. The yellow and black don’t need him and the whole Moss mentality doesn’t fit anywhere in Pittsburgh’s zip code. I can’t even fathom him and Mike Tomlin wearing the same colored shirts. And James Harrison would probably punch his face off by week two of training camp anyway.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012:

11-5 and they snag the division title, pending a healthy Roethlisberger and Wallace’s return. One (that means me) has the feeling that Baltimore will again be their biggest obstacle, and one (me again) might conclude that the Ravens had their big shot this year, fell short, and are now on the downslope of veteran elderliness that still eludes the Steelers—at least for another season or so.

Editor’s note: Stop back tomorrow when we cover the Browns.  Yeah, I know.  Awesome.

2 Comments

Filed under Articles, Retrospectives

Tagged as , , ,

by | February 28, 2012 · 8:56 am

Team Retrospective: Cincinnati Bengals

There are a lot of things in life easier than being a Cincinnati Bengal fan.  For example, being a fan of almost any other team in the NFL.  Or plate juggling.  Stuck in the AFC North with two perennial powerhouses (Ravens & Steelers) that seem to make the playoffs every year, the Bengals will not be a lot of people’s pick to win the division in the immediate future despite their young nucleus of talent.  But in the NFL teams can go from “on the cusp” to serious contender quicker than you’d think, so there is a lot of optimism in Cincinnati.  This last season they started strong and then faded a bit as the schedule got harder, but they were able to squeak out enough wins down the stretch that they made the playoffs for the third time in two decades.  This is your 2011 Bengals retrospective!

They skin a tiger for every jersey, which is kind of messed up

Team Highlight: I’m going to cheat and give two answers here.  The most obvious one being that they made the playoffs, because as I alluded to in the intro this has not been a powerhouse football team recently.  But the one that we might think about more a few years from now is how they managed to trade a mediocre quarterback who had been sitting on the couch for months and vowed to never play for them again to the Raiders for what is going to end up being multiple first round draft picks.  Honestly, just think about that for a moment.  But don’t think about it too hard, because this is the Raiders we’re talking about.  I’ve talked a lot about how this is one of the worst sports trades of all time on the Raiders end, but on the flipside the Bengals’ owner and GM Mike Brown deserves some credit for making this happen.  This is hard for me to say, as I have long thought of him as…well, an idiot (two words: Akili Smith.) 

Team Lowlight: Losing in the playoffs isn’t the lowlight here because it was a young team on the road, and I don’t think anyone expected them to make a lot of noise in the postseason anyway.  My choice is mid-season where after a 6-2 start against “subpar” competition, all eyes were on the Bengals in weeks 10 and 11 as they faced the bullies of the AFC North in back to back weeks.  While they played well for stretches of each game, they ultimately lost against the Steelers and Ravens by a touchdown in each game which made all the pundits predictably say “the Bengals aren’t for real”.  This had to be a deflating stretch for a young team, even though they played better than I thought. 

Big Daddy Ginger! (spread that, please)

Team MVP: When Andy Dalton led the TCU Horned Frogs to victory in the 2011 Rose Bowl against the Wisconsin Badgers I was impressed.  Then he played in the pros, and I was a lot more impressed.  For part of the season I really thought you could make a case for him to be rookie of the year over the amazing Cam Newton. Dalton only had 13 interceptions, a pretty good stat for a rookie who played in all 16 games to be sure, and he got the ball down the field more than a lot of people expected him to.  A.J. Green is already one of the best deep threats in the league and Jermaine Gresham is becoming another great weapon at the tight end position.  With these receiving options and a decent running game I don’t expect a sophomore slump from Big Daddy Ginger. Doubt anyone calls him that, but I’m going to start.

Needs: With wide receiver and acrobat Jerome Simpson a free agent and dealing with some off the field trouble, it might make sense to add a veteran to the receiving corps but this doesn’t feel like a huge deal at this point.  With the offense getting less run oriented, they are rumored to be thinking about a running back that works better in space early on in the draft and slowly faze Cedric Benson out of the offense.  The Bengals might want to also think about drafting a cornerback also, as Nate Clements certainly isn’t getting any younger and they need more depth in the defensive backfield.  Meanwhile, back-up cornerback Benjamin Button actually is getting younger.  This joke sucks.

Really wish I could have photoshopped Pacman Jones in here.

What character from The Wire do the Bengals remind me of: Sorry Nate, I got nothing in mind for the liquor bits this week.  Anyway, for this I’m going to have to go with Ziggy Zbotka.  He was a laughing stock for a while, then out of nowhere he kills a dude.  This is kind of like how the Bengals sucked for a while, and then they suddenly made the playoffs.  And then they force fed a duck liquor until it died.  You remember that part of the season, right?

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

This is a team that is only one year removed from the Ochocinco/TO circus.  We think they’ll pass.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: 11-5 is my prediction.  I just don’t see this team relapsing into old Bengal habits.  Regardless, I think that record will only be good for second in the division. They already have a good defense in place, plus the Bengals have two first round draft picks along with the cap room to spend this offseason.  This team could be one year away from doing something REALLY special. 

Come back tomorrow when our newest writer Chris Dorsey breaks down the Steelers season!

Comments Off

Filed under Articles, Retrospectives

Tagged as , , , ,

by | February 24, 2012 · 7:45 am

Team Retrospective: The Super Bowl Champion New York Giants

When it comes down to it, only one NFL fanbase is truly happy at the end of the year. Sure, Texans fans can be happy with a playoff berth and win. Panthers fans can be happy they have a genetic freak with a Magic Johnson smile for a quarterback. Niners fans can be happy that Alex Smith isn’t the butt of as many jokes (enjoy it while it lasts!). But overall, only one fanbase can be truly happy with the way the season went, and of course those fuckers are from New York.

This guy. THIS GUY is happy now. Good job, Tom Brady. This is your fault.

The Giants pretty much played off of the Packers’ blueprint from last season, and that resulted in a win over Tom Brady and the Patriots in the Super Bowl. So while 31 other teams can rate their seasons in various degrees of success, only the Giants can truly say that 2011 was a successful season.

Except the Cardinals. Man that Kolb trade worked out great!

This is your 2011 Retrospective of the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants.

"Eli, would you say this is the highlight of your season?" "Um...fucking duh, Terry."

Team Highlight: This is obvious. But it wasn’t just the Super Bowl. It was the entire playoffs, especially shutting down the Falcons to the tune of 24-2. I don’t think we need to really analyze the way they dominated the postseason, but we can look at some of Eli Manning’s numbers: 1219 passing yards, 9 TDs, 1 INT. We’ll probably look at more of Eli’s numbers in the Team MVP section (SPOILER ALERT!).

Team Lowlight: For a team that won the Super Bowl, there were a good bit of lowlights this season. The smashing in the Superdome comes to mind, as does the two losses to the Redskins. But for my money, the worst game for the Giants was against the Seattle Seahawks at home. Not only did the Giants lose, they gave up 20 points in the 4th quarter and turned the ball over 5 times. Most notable of these turnovers was Brandon Browner’s 94 yard interception return. Eli had 3 interceptions, and if you told me after the game he would end up being the Super Bowl MVP, I would have assumed there was an earthquake during the Super Bowl and he was the only survivor.

"We were playing badly, and then I saw Nate from TFBB picked me as midseason MVP. That truly gave us the confidence to win the Super Bowl." YES HE REALLY SAID THAT.

Team MVP: Yeah, yeah, it’s Eli Manning. He had one of his best seasons, and it came in a year where the Giants defense wasn’t as dominant as some remember it being. They came on towards the end, but for most of the year the Giants were carried by Manning. Oh, and I want to take this opportunity to revisit my Midseason MVP Award. Picking Eli doesn’t look so stupid now, does it? Although, yes, it was incredibly stupid at the time. But who cares, I’m results obsessed!

Needs: Much like the lowlights, this is a championship team who has a lot of holes to fill. They had a terrible running game, and the blame can be placed on both the running backs and the lineman. So an upgrade at tackle, guard, and running back would help make the Giants’ passing game even more impressive. On the other end of the ball, they need secondary help. They were one of the worst teams against the pass last year, and getting a cornerback that teams aren’t forced to pick on would probably help a lot. Aaron Ross is probably going to be gone, which is actually good for the Giants because he was the one picked on the most last year. But they have to make sure that Terrell Thomas is healthy, and then decide whether to let him go or sign him and hope he’s the answer.

What’s in a Giants Fan’s Liquor Cabinet: Vodka and a lot of colorful mixers.

Not gonna lie, that looks delicious

That’s the image that came up when I googled “Giants drink.” Also in that search were a lot of appletinis. So it looks like Giants fans are going to take vodka and mix it with anything that’s red or orange. Also, in any of these drinks, this is absolutely mandatory:

Not sure why it's in an orange, but whatever.

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

...wait, what?

Hey, where’s Randy’s head? Well, it isn’t anywhere near New York, that’s for sure. Manningham is a free agent, yes. But I don’t think, even if they let him go, that they’re in the market for a field stretcher like him, especially when they have a younger version in Victor Cruz. Here’s the sad catch 22 in this Randy Moss debate: a lot of the really good teams that can contend for a title won’t really need him, and the only reason Randy wants to come back is to win a championship. Poor Randy.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: 10-6. The team will struggle at times, but Manning is going to continue to show why he’s a top quarterback in this league, and if they improve the running game, their offense will be spoken of in the same lines as the Packers, Saints, and Patriots. Either way, I like their chances to get back into the playoffs, but repeating is often tricky. But either way, this year was a success and I’m sure the money will be piling up!

And the award for worst 'shop goes to...

Hey, that’s where Randy’s head went! Get out of there!

Maybe Randy’s head will find a home next week, when we take our Straight Cash Homey Meter to the AFC North! Ben and some guests will be taking care of things next week, as I will be on vacation. Enjoy the weekend!

Comments Off

Filed under Articles, Retrospectives

Tagged as , , , ,

by | February 23, 2012 · 8:49 am

(Dream) Team Retrospective: Philadelphia Eagles

Whenever a collection of high priced free agents end up in one location, it is the media’s job to collectively lose their shit.  While the public wasn’t quite as transfixed with the 2011-12 Eagles as they were with the 2010-11 Miami Heat, going into the season the expectations were…well, elevated.  Eagles fans are not exactly an optimistic people, but even some of my friends that support the team seemed confident going into the season.  They wouldn’t go as far as to call the Eagles the “Dream Team” as their back-up quarterback did, but they thought they had a special group.  For the record, so did I.  What followed next was a series of turnovers, blown fourth quarter leads, terrible defense, and one of the most perplexing let-downs in recent football memory.

Despite all of these things Andy Reid kept his job, and I have mixed feelings about that.  With how eager most franchises are to fire coaches in this league, it seems to reflect well on Reid that he has been coaching for as long as he has (13 seasons) and only had two losing campaigns.  But when you watch Eagles games, you can’t fathom how he has kept his job this long.  He has been historically bad at challenges (although he turned that around this year), clock management, and even when all logic seems to say otherwise (example: Vince Young is your starting quarterback) he is allergic to running the football.  Also apparently he sucks at walking around.  Have you ever heard how winded he sounds during a press conference?  Then there the appointment of Juan Castillo, a former offensive line coach, as defensive coordinator.  I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around that one. 

The Eagles might get off the mat next season, but this was certainly one to forget.  This is the 2011 Eagles Retrospective.

Team Highlight: You can say a lot of things about Andy Reid, but his teams have been historically awesome after a bye week.  This season was no different.  After snapping a four game losing streak against the Redskins two weeks earlier, the birds came into their Sunday Night week 8 match-up with the Cowboys 2-4 and already hearing speculation that this was a “must win game”.  They treated it like such and went nuts all over the Dallas defense, specifically the running game.  Philadelphia ran the ball 38 TIMES FOR 239 YARDS!  Eagles fans should consider kidnapping Andy Reid, holding him down, and making him watch the film of this game.  Either that or LeSean McCoy should hit him again.     

Maclin cradled an imaginery ball and kept running into the endzone, hoping no one noticed the fumble

Team Lowlight: Much like my retrospective for the Cowboys earlier this week, this is not an easy choice.  But in the end I suppose I’d have to go with their week four debacle at home against San Francisco where they let a 20-3 second half lead slip away.  Whether it be Ronnie Brown committing the weirdest fumble of the year or a complete defensive meltdown, not a lot of things went right down the stretch in this one.  A late turnover sealed the deal and dropped the Eagles to 1-3.  Juan Castillo was quoted as saying, “This is hard”.

I don't even have a joke caption, dude is just awesome

Team MVP: While Vick’s stats died off (like one of the dogs he drowned or electrocuted – okay, yeah, I couldn’t avoid talking about that at least once during this piece) and he was once again injured in the second half of the season LeSean McCoy stepped forward as one of the most dangerous weapons in all of football.  Shady had over 1,600 yards from scrimmage and scored twenty touchdowns.  Beyond all the numbers he was just a joy to watch, and that is coming from someone who is not particularly fond of the Eagles.  This might be a tad over dramatic, but I don’t know if I’ve seen a running back look as good behind the line of scrimmage since Barry Sanders.  And past the line of scrimmage?  Good luck catching this guy.

Needs: The consensus seems to be that the Eagles do not have the right linebackers for Castillo’s wide nine scheme, so there are a few options here.  You can go out and get new linebackers, or you can change schemes.  Perhaps a third option is to hire an actual defensive coordinator BUT LET’S NOT GET FUCKING CRAZY OKAY.  That being said, I’m sure the former is what the team will go with.  Another area of concern is the offensive line, as keeping Vick upright is a key to their success next season.  After last off-season’s spending spree it seems more likely that they will look to the draft to solve some of these issues.  I could see the Eagles possibly trading down for a few later picks to add depth if there isn’t an impact player available that is high on their board.

Well, that looks like it costs six bucks

What’s in an Eagles’ fan’s liquor cabinet: I asked an actual Philadelphia fan’s input on this one, and fellow blogger Thomas Holzerman said the answer is Banker’s Club vodka because you can get drunk for cheap and it keeps you warm at a 7 AM tailgate.  Wow, Banker’s Club just sounds like shitty vodka, doesn’t it?  But of all the liquor out there, I think vodka puts me in a better mood than the rest.  I don’t think I’m stepping too out of bounds when I say that most Philly sports fans could stand to smile more!

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

 I will put the Moss head somewhere close to the middle here.  In theory it shouldn’t be necessary, but the Eagles aren’t as invincible at wide receiver coming into this season as they were last year.  I’m not saying Moss is the answer, but at the end of the season you just have to make sure that there are no key situations where Riley Cooper is in any danger of getting the ball.  In fact, in a close playoff game you might want to break his hand.  With a hammer.  If DeSean ends up going elsewhere or if he comes back and decides to spend another season sulking, they might want to think about calling up the prince of pouting!  Perhaps the originator of taking plays off can show DeSean how it’s actually done.  Again, not sure if it’s a great idea but the rating moved up a bit here cause hot damn I like a train wreck.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I’m going to jump out on a limb here and say the Eagles rebound, and rebound in a big way.  My entirely too early prediction is 13-3.  Despite all of the things I said about Castillo, the defense did look better down the stretch.  If Juan can figure out how to properly use Nnamdi Asomugha, and Vick can stay healthy, I think this team will go far.

Stop by tomorrow when Nate covers the Giants season, and has an exclusive interview with Eli Manning!  One of these things is not true!

4 Comments

Filed under Articles, Retrospectives

Tagged as , , , ,

by | February 22, 2012 · 7:42 am

Team Retrospective: Washington Redskins

Come on, Ben, it's not that...okay, yes. Yes. It's incredibly racist.

The Washington Redskins are proof that the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true. Every offseason, we hear of the many moves they make, the money they’re willing to spend, and the high profile names they bring in to coach and to play. And because it’s been so long since the season, when we saw the Redskins fail in a hilarious manner, we start to convince ourselves that they’re on the turnaround this year. It’s even easier to do it with Shanahan as head coach, because he has the pedigree of a winner (to appease Ben and other notable readers: fuck John Elway. That is all.)

But then the season happens and they’re all like “LOL NOPE.” Because all the money, all the signings, all the hope in the world won’t matter when you have Rex Grossman leading your team. All right, Washington, let’s have some fun!

Fun fact: 40% of the Redskins wins came against 2011-12 Super Bowl Champions.

Team Highlight: I feel pretty confident in saying that every dress-wearing pig-nose’s favorite part of last season was when they went into the bye week going 3-1, including a notable win against the eventual Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. In fact, the Skins swept the Giants this year, which is impressive. If the Giants weren’t still bashing hookers over the head with the Lombardi Trophy, they’d probably really feel the sting of those two losses. For the Skins, though, it’s something they can hold onto if thinking about Grossman hurts too much (and it really should).

Team Lowlight: Much like the early winning was a highlight, the subsequent six game losing streak had to be the worst time to be a Redskins fan last year. Particularly bad was the 23-0 loss to Buffalo, who was getting ready to SHOCK THE WORLD in their epic collapse from 5-2 to 6-10. But on that day, Ryan was Fitzmagic again, and the Redskins were practically in the crowd. With 26 yards on the ground – TWENTY SIX! – and 178 total, that was a game that Redskins fans will want to forget.

Team MVP: I really just don’t know. I’m not trying to be funny or snarky, but no one really performed exceedingly well on the Redskins last year. Statistically, the best receiver was Jabar Gaffney, and I guess he filled in really well when Santana Moss was too hurt to put up his usual MONSTROUS production. So fine. We’ll go with Gaffney. But we won’t be happy about it, and neither should you.

Needs: The Redskins need a lot. They’re not terrible on defense; they’re middling to decent in both categories. They could use some run stoppers on the D Line, since they were towards the end of the pack in run defense. But their offense is a trainwreck, and I honestly don’t see anyone on offense who can’t be upgraded. The line needs a lot of work to get to Shanahan’s standards, and the receivers and backs are decent but not amazing. But obviously, and we cannot stress this enough, REX GROSSMAN IS THEIR STARTING QUARTERBACK. THIS IS A PROBLEM.

I'm trying not to beat a dead horse, but seriously, look at this guy. This is an NFL starting quarterback.

What’s in a Redskins’ fan’s fridge: Franzia.

Their website calls it "The World's Most Popular Wine." I call it "vomit juice."

See, Redskin fans want to be sophisticated since they’re in the nation’s capital. But the really nice wine that they’re saving for when the Redskins finally get off the shneid is probably going to stay in the wine cellar for a few more years. So until then, BRING ON THE BOX WINE.

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

"Grossman to Moss...dang, underthrown by six yards again!" - words every Redskins fan will wish they hadn't wished for.

I don’t think they’ll get him. I don’t even think there will be rumblings from Washington that they’re interested. But this is what I do know. He’s a big name, he’s running out of chances, and Dan Snyder loves spending money. It’s pretty much his favorite thing in the world. If Grossman is still the quarterback, this won’t happen. But if they get a competent guy, or maybe draft Robert Griffin III? You never know.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: 6-10. Unless they make some dramatic changes on the offensive side of the ball, they’re going to struggle. They play the Steelers and Saints on the road, and of course they have to play the Super Bowl champs twice, and something tells me it won’t be a sweep this time around. But there’s good news, Skins fans! Maybe after another disappointing season, people will realize Shanahan isn’t actually all that special! And then you guys can bring in a coach like Cowher…who will probably go 6-10 the next year too.

SERIOUSLY. GET A QUARTERBACK.

Like this guy!

Comments Off

Filed under Articles, Retrospectives

Tagged as , , ,