Monthly Archives: March 2012

Team Retrospective: San Diego Chargers

Oh the West. How deceptive you are, competitive only because of how shitty each team is. While I could be referring to either American or National, today the topic at hand is the AFC.

San Diego: Come for Shamu. Leave because of A.J. Smith.

The main attraction at Whale's Vagina

The Chargers, much like many a team in the NFL, are perplexing. On paper, they should have it all. But bad luck, big egos, and terrible Special Teams have kept this should-be contender from the playoffs two years in a row. They went from claiming the League’s best offense and defense in 2010 to the 6th and 16th best, respectively.

Replacing the departed Ron Rivera with Greg Manusky was bound to cause some hiccups on the defense, but a six game losing streak is friggin’ unacceptable. While they bounced back and only lost one (to the Lions) of their remaining five, 8-8 was not enough to overcome Jesus and the Gospel of Tebow in their glorious ascendance to the postseason realm. Obligatory Chosen One mention out of the way.

And while Bolts fans are undoubtedly pissed that scrotum licker cum laude, Eli Manning, recently got himself ANOTHER big ring before P-Riv could snag themselves a measly AFC Championship, they’re probably mildly excited at the opportunity to beat the shit out of his older brother twice a year.

But we as a species shouldn’t look to the future; not when there is so much in the past that we can complain about. And so we must look back, for this is the Chargers 2011 Retrospective.

I didn’t think it was possible to make lightning unexciting.

Team Highlight: Coming together and managing a .500 season. I’d like to think it was the win against Baltimore, who had already secured a berth, in week 15 that really sums this team up. It was a good win that gave them an even record and, more importantly, playoff hopes. The Ravens were the only good team on their moderate schedule, but the win was impressive. Turnovers, a problem for the Bolts all season, were all on the Ravens’ side of the ball that game, showing they could play sound football against a monstrous defense. Philip Rivers’ 290 passing yards, with Tolbert and Matthews combining for 3 TDs, the Chargers showed fans they still had a little bit of gas in that engine. Unfortunately, too little, too late.

Team Lowlight: Losing six games in a row is not something that a team like the Chargers does. Well, not in the middle of the season, anyways. The Chargers didn’t exactly have the toughest schedule, but the slump they hit was uncharacteristic. And though the team responded well in the beginning and at the end, losing only two games outside of that skid. But 8-8 is not a successful season—maybe in the NFC, but not here.

Every pass from Josh Freeman will require this kind of athletic talent.

Team MVP: Vincent Jackson shut the fuck up, took his Franchise money, and put up the numbers he was paid to. It’s a goddamn shame they didn’t resign him. He was the saving grace of a decent-but-lackluster offense. Though I do like Malcom Floyd and his inability to catch a pass WITHOUT getting a first down, he wasn’t the star.While Ryan Matthews emerged as the replacement they drafted for LaDainian Tomlinson, he’s not as durable or, frankly, capable as the future Hall of Famer. And Philip Rivers had a comparably terrible year, despite having a great set of receivers and backs. Sure, he threw over 4,000 yards for the fourth year in a row, but 20 interceptions? He’s not from USC—he shouldn’t be getting throwing that many.

Needs: Based on this and my post on the Jags, readers are probably going to get the impression that I think everyone should be fired. Not true. Just the terrible coaches. I could say that Norv should be fired, but that wouldn’t be surprising. I could say the same for AJ Smith, but he’s made some decent off-season moves (aside from letting VJax go and settling for Robert fucking Meacham) and got some decent players on the cheap, including Atari Bigby (help for Weddle in the backfield) and Eddie Royal (special teams boost). But they do need to bolster their offensive line and give Philip Rivers more than a second to get the ball out of his hands, especially in light of the concussed Kris Dielman. Perhaps David DeCastro from Stanford, if he’s still on the board by the Chargers’ 18th pick.

Who do Chargers fans hate more, AJ Smith or Norv Turner?: I’d have thought it’d be Norv, but it’s AJ. The reasons are plenty. People say he’s cheap. Then there’s the saga of Marty Schottenheimer, and the chorus of ‘What Ifs’ that followed. There’s the Vincent Jackson contract debacle. And then there’re the collapses of 2010 and 2011 seasons—seasons that should have belonged to San Diego. But considering the negative, look at what he’s done. Since inheriting the GM spot from the late John Butler in ’03, the team has gone 88-56 and only one losing season (their first). So suck it up, Bolts fans. Your team could be owned by Dan Snyder.

Because we’re lazy and don’t want to photoshop other values

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood: 4. Maybe when Ron Rivera was running the defense, if the whole bounty issue had come up then, they’ve have gotten more than a glancing eye. But I don’t really buy that AJ would allow money to be tossed around when he’s holding out on star players.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: My best friend Jason, the consummate Chargers fan (and source of advice for this post), would probably stab me if I said something negative here, but I truly believe this is San Diego’s year to return to the AFC West throne. As much as Vincent Jackson meant to the team, they truly aren’t anything without Philip Rivers. Even on an off day, the guy is the foundation for that offense. Young guys like Matthews, Floyd and Meacham will be utilized, and if Antonio Gates (FIRST MENTION ALL BLOG, WILCO TANGO FOXTROT) stays healthy enough he will have the impact he has in seasons past. For the first time in a long time, the AFC West is looking competitive. The Raiders could slip, but that’s what everyone expects, so don’t be surprised to be surprised. The Chiefs are getting Matt Cassel, Eric Berry and Jamaal Charles back. And I think the Broncos stocked up, too. Didn’t they give Tebow a huge contract extension? Anyways, I wouldn’t be surprised to see San Diego and one other team in the postseason.

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Team Retrospective: Denver Broncos

Editor’s note: Joe’s Charger piece is being held up due to an unfortunate photoshop greasefire incident. We will post it as soon we can. In its stead, I present today’s planned piece on the Broncos.

“Awwww, the Denver Broncos?”

Simpsons fans remember this ending to one of the better episodes, “You Only Move Twice.” It’s a fun episode filled with jokes, but the only one that matters to us is when Homer is awarded an NFL team – not the Dallas Cowboys that he wanted, but the Denver Broncos. When he expresses his disappointment (as quoted above, complete with extra w’s), Marge tells him that owning any team is good. To which Homer famously replies:

"You just don't understand football, Marge."

Well, yeah, the point of this intro is that Peyton Manning came to town and made Homer look silly.

Of course, we don’t know that; there are still a ton of questions. No one knows if Peyton Manning can still play as well as he did before the 62 neck surgeries performed last year. We also don’t know if the Denver defense is going to be dominant, as they were for stretches of the season, or dormant, as they were when they faced any decent offense. We don’t know if the Chargers will be stronger this year, if the Raiders will actually live up to their potential, or if the Chiefs are going to get better.

But we do know that the Denver Broncos are going to be an exciting story again this year, and this time it might actually be because they’re talented enough to win a championship! But you can’t move forward without acknowledging the past. This is the Denver Broncos retrospective.

Rumor has it the most recent Broncos logo was designed to reflect Elway's mammoth neck. I wonder if they'll create a new, abnormally sized head logo for Manning.

Team Highlight: The Broncos had gotten a playoff berth, which had in some way validated Tim Tebow’s play at quarterback all season long. If they had lost to the Steelers, as was widely predicted, no one would have been too harsh on them (except for all of the Tebow haters who would have probably drunk a lot and had wonton abortions in celebration). But that’s not what happened. What happened was Tim Tebow actually played like an NFL quarterback, and they beat the Steelers on the first play in overtime. Tebow threw for over 300 yards and two scores, and the Tebow supporters made the Tebow haters eat crow. This lasted a week, of course, until the Patriots sodomized the Broncos. But enough with lowlight spoilers!

Team Lowlight: There were more than a few lowlights for the Broncos season, but I am picking their playoff loss because it poked holes in a lot of people’s theories about the Denver Broncos. Everyone with a microphone shouted to the heavens about how the Broncos were winning with their great defense. But then Tom Brady descended from the heavens to lead an offensive outburst all over the Broncos. They gave up 45 points and 509 totals yards to the Patriots offense, and the Broncos only put up 252 in response. And for anyone wanting to do quarterback comparisons, Tom Brady threw for 363 yards and 6 touchdowns, while Tebow was 9 for 26 with 136 yards passing and no scores. But at least Tebow had one less interception than Brady. ADVANTAGE TEBOW!

Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Team MVP: Ugh. I really don’t want to say Tebow. But here’s the problem. McGahee had a great running output, but only got the in endzone 6 times, and fumbled 4 times. Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil were great defensively, but I don’t see either of them being the deciding factor on whether this team wins games. But we saw it with Tebow. They were 1-4 with Orton. And whatever the circumstances around it, Tebow came in and led them to the playoffs. There’s a good chance they wouldn’t have gotten there without him. So you have to make him the MVP. And then you have to cry yourself to sleep afterwards.

Needs: Well, they sure filled that hole at quarterback! But there are a lot of other needs too. The interior defensive line, for starters; after losing Broderick Bunkley to the Saints in free agency, they need someone who can plug the middle and allow Miller and Dumervil to do their work. On the offensive side of the ball, they could stand for an upgrade at center. Also, people make a big deal about Peyton Manning making his teammates better, and that’s probably true, but if you can grab some weapons at receiver or tight end in the draft, you better do it. Fun fact: the leading receiver for the Broncos last year was Eric Decker, with a whopping FORTY-FOUR receptions. Obviously a different guy was under center last year, but come on. That’s usually what Manning’s fullbacks catch in a season.

What a Broncos Fan is Drinking: Well last year it was Shirley Temples, but this year we can pile on the alcohol! Peyton Manning is your quarterback, Denver: it’s time to celebrate! And nothing says celebrations like margaritas! But orange ones because it’s the Broncos.

The big orange represents DJ Williams. The salt probably represents cocaine.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

Unless John Fox is running some sort of underground prostitution ring, I think the Broncos are going to be a scandal free team, unless Manning has a few bad games and all the “WE WANT HANIE” chants start.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I think they’re going to be good this year, assuming Manning can get it together. Manning has always been good at hiding problems with a team. The Broncos have some problems, but no more than the Colts did, and they won double digit games for over a decade. So that trend will continue, and I’m going with 11-5.

——-

Next week we take on the NFC West. And then we’re done with the retrospectives! DONE!

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Team Retrospective: Oakland Raiders

The Raiders were an exercise in unevenness in 2011. There were pre-season expectations and subsequent failures, drama and dead people, a quarterback switcheroo, and all the chaos that seems to follow Raider Nation on an annual basis.

You can’t say the Raiders don’t try every year. They brought in a new head coach, attempted to patch up the defensive holes, and made the pretty ballsy-slash-risky acquisition of Carson Palmer when a broken collarbone buried Jason Campbell mid-season. Palmer had a handful of solid outings, but ended up throwing too many footballs at the guys in the wrong-colored hats to be truly effective.

Oakland matched 2010 with another 8-8 finish in this rather cruddy division that we are forced to discuss due to football blog bi-laws. They see-sawed through the schedule, opening the year with win-loss-win-loss, then hitting a snag shortly after Al Davis’ death, going brutal loss-bye-brutal loss, then temporarily recovering by going win-win-win, then falling back to turf with loss-loss-loss before finishing the season (to balance things out) win-loss. That’s not very scientific analysis, but it seems to exemplify the inconsistency that plagued the team.

Maybe deservedly, they were ousted from playoff contention in week 17, at home, in an uninspired 38-26 loss to San Diego. Depressing for fans, but let’s face it: they didn’t have the necessary playoff tools and likely would have gotten thrashed no matter who they were matched up with in the postseason.  If you don’t agree, you probably have silver spikes flanking your ears as we speak.

To make this recap more enjoyable/painful, I recommend reading the rest of it out loud in Chris Berman’s constipated death-wheeze.  SO HEAH IT IZZZ. THA RAIDAZ RETROSPECTIV.

I've always wondered why the Raider's good eye is closed. Probably because he's forced to watch this team play all year long.

Season Highlight:  The death of Al Davis. BOO! HISS! JEER! TOO SOON JERKFACE!  Ok, enough, mom. I don’t intend to trample on the memories of the deceased.  Davis was a maverick owner; he did great things for the game, and is no doubt one of the most important, if not the most important owner in league history. But his declining age and legendary stubbornness was affecting his ability to make rational team decisions. We all knew the only way that the organization was going to turn around was if he departed. And we also knew he wasn’t going to relinquish his iron rule unless death took him or Jamarcus Russell sat on him and tied him to a rocket headed to Neptune.

Tried to find a picture of Davis and JaMarcus Russell together. Found this instead. Not complaining.

Season Lowlight:  Bet you thought I was going to say “the death of Al Davis,” just to be clever. Well, in the words of Buford Tannen, “You thought wrong, dude!” The lowlight, although there were several to choose from, is probably the three-game skid in weeks 12-14 that left them begging at the door for a wild-card slot. It looked like they had turned things around with a winning three-game run coming in, but it was not to be. They weren’t easy games, as they had to deal with both Chicago and Green Bay, but the beat down applied by the Dolphins was unnecessary and ugly, and it ended up costing them postseason (cough) glory.

Team MVP: Bleechh. I have to pick a kicker. It’s a bummer but it’s true. Janikowski was awesome. The Raiders couldn’t seem to ever get the ball in the end zone, so they had to rely on Janikowski’s powerful boots to put them on the scoreboard. He nailed seven out of ten from 50+ yards, and only missed a single field goal of less than 50 all year. He also pitched in a franchise-record 6 FGs in the Bears loss.

This, Oakland, was your best player this season. This guy.

Needs:  The linebackers overhaul that management deployed in 2010 hasn’t gone very well. So there’s that. They could use a good No.2 receiver to compliment Darrius Heyward-Bay, which might help alleviate some of their inability to get into the end zone. The situation at cornerback was just flat-out sad (which seems to be a theme with nearly every team I write about). I don’t know. Hopefully newly-christened GM, Reggie McKenzie, will shed the Raiders’ notorious tendency for draft-day failure, not to mention lure potential free agents to come to the Bay Area, here in the post-tyrannical, post-Davis era.

What’s a Raiders Fan Drinking These Days?: How ‘bout a little malt liquor bender?  Colt? Mickey’s?  the always-regal  Olde English 800? These beverages speak of going nowhere, yet whilst in their grip, can convince one that sunny days are just around the corner. Obviously, pouring out a little for Al before indulging.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

The head is bigger to represent the specter of Al Davis looming over the franchise. Or because the editor is lazy and bad at photoshop. You decide.

Usually I’d say high, because much like the famed Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels, you never know what’s gonna go down when these guys show up in one place. But this year, we’ll bet low. They’re trying to right the ship and I have a feeling that dissent and stupidity will not be tolerated by the new staff.

Entirely Too-Early Prediction for 2012: Big changes are happening in Oakland. It’s tough to say how a new coaching staff and new upper management will adjust, but it’s likely things won’t get worse. The Raiders set an NFL record for penalties in 2011, and that points to preparedness and attitude, read: coaching. And then there’s the advantage of playing in the feeble AFC West. Look for the Raiders to improve slightly, but still have growing pains (Like the TV show! Man that show kicked ass. Kirk Cameron was all ‘ehhh, I’m too cool to care, bro, ain’t it bitchin?’ Oh yes it is, Kirk.) Anyway, I wave my wizard staff and proclaim a 9-7 finish, but they once again fall short of the playoffs.

Editor’s note: Prepare for tomorrow when Joe Schmidt takes on the Chargers! We figure it will start off slow, then really gain some steam before fizzling out at the end.

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Team Retrospective: Kansas City Chiefs

So, apparently we’ve got a Chiefs fan in our readership.

Hey Adam. You ready? I’d say “let’s have some fun,” but let’s be honest. We’re talking about the Chiefs; we know there won’t be any fun involved. So let’s just get into it.

The 2011 Chiefs were supposed to build on a very promising 2010 by not only winning the division, but winning it convincingly. They seemingly had all the tools to do it, starting with talented and underutilized running back Jamaal Charles.

You know how this story ends. Charles got hurt in the second game, and from there the Chiefs’ offense took a nosedive. And from that point on, everyone discovered what every smart football fan already knew; that Todd Haley was a product of Ken Whisenhunt’s system, and he just wasn’t very good at all. Even though the Chiefs battled back from three straight losses to be 4-3 after Week 8, they couldn’t consistently put points on the scoreboard to win games.

More than any other team, I blame the Chiefs for the Broncos rise to the playoffs, because this was supposed to be the Chiefs’ division to win. And I’ll never forgive you for that, Adam.

This is the Chiefs 2011 retrospecitve.

The less offensive version of the Redskins! (But still, you know, kind of offensive)

Team Highlight: I really wanted to say the 28-0 win over the Raiders, which was impressive. They forced 6 interceptions and basically started the Raiders’ downturn on the season. But when a team comes into your city 13-0, and leaves 13-1, that’s going to be your best win. It may not have been an offensive explosion – in fact, the Chiefs only scored one touchdown – but they did what no other team was able to do last year in the regular season: they kept Aaron Rodgers in check. The MVP completed less than 50% of his passes, only threw for 235 yards, and was sacked 4 times. I remember that day fondly; it was the day I had to call Ben and tell him not to jump, because they’d still make the Super Bowl. Sorry for lying, Ben!

Team Lowlight: I should put losing to Tim Tebow here. But 6 other teams did that too, so instead I’ll focus on a somewhat less painful loss. In back to back weeks, the Chiefs were drubbed to start the season. They lost 48-3 in Week 2 to the Lions, where they gave up 6 turnovers and barely threw for 100 yards. But that was to a playoff team, so at least it was sort of understandable. The week before, they lost 41-7 to the Bills. TO THE BILLS. “But Nate,” you say, “The Bills looked legitimate at that time!” That’s a good point. Allow me a rebuttal: IT WAS THE BILLS.

"You want me to play quarterback too? It'd probably work out better than Tyler Palko."

Team MVP: Well it’s certainly not going to be anyone on the offense, that’s for sure. When you are 31st in the league in points and 27th in yards, there are a lot of words you can use to describe your players, but “valuable” ain’t one of ‘em. Instead I’m going on the other side of the ball. Pro Bowler Tamba Hali got 12 sacks, forced 4 fumbles, and pressured quarterbacks all season long. He anchored a defense that was actually pretty good. The Chiefs would actually be a great team if their offense was more than Dwayne Bowe and the 3-and-outs (which, by the way, is an excellent name for a 40s swing band.)

Needs: They need help on the pass rush, and maybe a inside linebacker that excels in the 3-4. They need a better offensive line. But more than anything, they need another playmaker somewhere on offense. Whether it’s Jamaal Charles coming back or a wide receiver to take pressure off of Bowe, they need SOMETHING that other teams have to gameplan for. Because right now it’s Bowe or bust, and last year it was much more bust than Bowe.

In their rush to get Todd Haley out of Kansas City, they didn't let him clear out his locker. This is what was left.

What’s in a Chiefs Fan’s Fridge: Last year it was certainly Nighttrain, because Chiefs fans needed something strong and cheap to take the edge off, and because Todd Haley looked like a smelly hobo. But this year, with Romeo Crennel classing things up a bit, maybe they’ll switch to Four Loko.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

Ugh, this fucking scale.

The Chiefs are boring. And I have to say, I fucking hate this scale. I miss the Straight Cash Homey Meter. I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, RANDY! YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING BALANCE TO THE FORCE, NOT LEAVE IT IN DARKNESS! YOU WERE MY BROTHER, RANDY! I LOVED YOU!

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: Who the hell knows? Manning being in the division changes a lot. I think the Chiefs will be a better team in 2012 than they were in 2011, but the schedule isn’t easy. Let’s say 6-10 with a possible 8-8 to aspire to.

Tomorrow Chris is going to cover the Oakland Raiders, the team that I will forever associate with Bubb Rubb. The whistles go wooo!

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Team Retrospective: New Orleans Saints

This is called a “retrospective” but it’s hard for it not to be a “presentspective” given the events of the last few weeks.  If you have been paying attention the last few years you have heard whispers of New Orleans being a bit dirty, but at the end of the day when you thought of the Saints you pictured Drew Brees carrying his son with confetti falling from the sky.

These days, our visual is a bit different.

If we had an intern, I'd make him dress like this

One of the things that have driven me nuts the last few days is this idea that we are supposed to re-watch every hit their defense dished out over the last few years with a different perspective.  As if it’s possible that if we slowed down the film enough we can see Jonathan Vilma shivving a guy mid tackle.  When ESPN talks about the scandal they show a continuous loop of hits, and most of them are legal standard NFL tackles.  I refuse to be shocked or outraged by the idea that NFL players put money in a pool for big hits or interceptions.

The part of the story that really shames the Saints, however, is when the NFL came to the team and basically said “hey look, just stop it and it’s all good” and then it continued for years.  And please, let’s all save our outrage over Sean Payton’s one year suspension.  He knew what was going on, he didn’t stop it, and then he lied about it.  At that point he took his fate out of his own hands and into the hands of one crazy ass commish.  I wouldn’t go as far as to say that the punishment fit the crime in Sean’s case, but it is obviously in the best interest of the league to send the strongest message possible.  And as the most profitable league in pro sports, the NFL has plenty of reasons to protect itself in this case.

But hey, this piece isn’t all doom and gloom.  Brees broke one of the most significant passing records in the game, they swept the Falcons, and the home crowd got to see a playoff victory.  So let’s not cry over a little spilled Favre, this is your 2011 Saints Retrospective!

Team Highlight: As I alluded to in the previous paragraph, Drew Brees broke Dan Marino’s single season passing yardage record.  It was a great moment and it really ruffled a lot of Falcon feathers.  They were all like, “we can’t stop you, please don’t score and break the record we’ll complain about it later blah blah blah sportsmanship” and Drew was all, “I DO WHAT I WANT!”  A lot of people like to point out that the eras that Brees and Marino played in are vastly different and that’s true, but if that alone were such a factor wouldn’t the record have been broken by now?  Of all the quarterbacks in the league, and there are a few great ones, I still don’t think anyone scares me as much as when Brees gets a rhythm going.

Team Lowlight: The Saints loss against the Niners in the playoffs was brutal for several reasons.  There was the crushing realization that a promising season had been flushed down the drain, the seemingly endless wave of turnovers, but one moment in particular stood out to me.  They allowed a 27 yard rushing touchdown to Alex Smith.  Yes that’s the same Alex Smith who had averaged 104 yards rushing per season the first six years of his career, and then ran for over a quarter of that on a designed QB sweep.  In the fourth quarter.  Of a playoff game.  Obviously they should have had a bigger bounty on that guy.

Team MVP: I’ll give you a hint, it’s not Jed Collins.

"It's me, bitch"

Needs: First of all, probably going to need someone to coach the team.  But beyond that the Saints have already filled holes at guard (Ben Grubbs) and defensive tackle (Brodrick Bunkley) and re-signed Marques Colston.  Other than one of the biggest controversies in the history of pro football, it’s been a pretty good offseason so far!

What Wire Character do the Saints Most Resemble: Look, sometimes I just run out of creative ways to talk about how football fans are getting drunk, so I like to relate anything I can to the HBO original series The Wire.  The answer is obviously Howard “Bunny” Colvin who in season three actually legalized drugs for a small section of Baltimore.  Much like the bounty system, a lot of people on the inside thought it was alright.  But once the story starts to leak the whole goddamn thing spins out of control and ol’ Bunny lands himself in quite a bit of hot water.  I’m sorry if that spoiled something for you, but if you haven’t watched The Wire I got another spoiler alert: you watch shitty TV shows.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

So then Lance Moore says, “This might be bad timing, but I killed a man.”

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012:  I will say 11-5.  People keep guessing a four game suspension for Vilma and other key defensive players, but wasn’t that the same amount that people were guessing for Payton?  I think the Saints are still a playoff team but this scandal will affect them.  I think the chemistry that Brees and Payton had was worth at least one win per season, and the division will be tougher.  The Saints will rally around Bounty Gate but I still have a hard time seeing them winning multiple road playoff games and with five losses in the NFC that would very likely be their fate.

Only 8 teams remaining!  Come back next week when we cover the AFC West.

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