We were sitting in the FBB office the other day, drinking beer and throwing darts at a Prince Fielder poster, when Ben came in with our retrospective assignments on the NFC South. I eagerly anticipated getting to write about the Saints, how they would overcome self-produced adversity and be the first team to play inside its own city for the Super Bowl.
Instead, I got a piece of paper with “Atlana Falcons” scrawled crudely in orange crayon.
“Ben,” I said, holding up the paper. “You do realize that I only genuinely hate one team in the entire NFL, and you’re asking me to do a retrospective on them, right?” And no lie, this was the face Ben gave me in response.
So it’s obvious he wants the hatred and extreme bias. So let’s get started. This is the Asshole Dumbfuck Herpes Birds Retrospective. (Atlanta Falcons)
Team Highlight: In Week 14, the Falcons went up against perhaps the best team in NFL history, the 4-8 Carolina Panthers. The Panthers were relentless in their offensive explosion, going up 23-7 in the first half against the clearly overmatched Falcons. Then, the Falcons rebounded in the second half with two interceptions against Cam Newton, who we all know is the greatest quarterback of our generation. They scored 24 points in the second half and asserted themselves as the dominant second best team in the division. It was clearly their best win of the season. Afterwards, Matt Ryan could be heard saying, “I can’t wait to rewatch this game on ESPN Classic.”
Team Lowlight: I really wanted to make fun of Mike Smith here. I wanted to bring up how he went for it on 4th and 1 against one of the worst run defenses in the league, and still got stuffed and lost. But somehow, losing 24-2 to the Giants is worse. Sure, the Giants won the Super Bowl, so they’re pretty impressive, but to not be able to score any points offensively? Yeah, that’s embarrassing. Also, I posit that it is more embarrassing to lose 24-2 than 24-0. Because if you lose 24-0, you get shut out completely. But 24-2? That just looks silly. It looks like a six-sevens park league basketball game, and the only points you scored were a layup at the end of regulation when nobody cared anymore.
Team MVP: Matt Ryan was clearly the best player on the team. But we really have to end this “Matty Ice” nickname. It’s ridiculous. First of all, it’s a play on one of the worst beers ever. Second, find me someone named Matt (not that hard, there are like 10 of them starting as an NFL QB) who likes being called “Matty.” It’s probably the second worst “y” ending to a name (Nicky being the ultimate worst; Adam Sandler’s fault). Thirdly, it doesn’t even fit his persona. If I were to come up with an appropriate nickname for Matt Ryan, it’d be “Matty Will Never Lead Us To Greatness Because he’s Too Soft and He Needs to Comb His Fucking Hair.” Or “Fartlicker” for short.
Needs: The Falcons’ genius move in trading for Julio Jones leaves them with 5 picks in this draft. They need to spend it on offensive line help, a defensive end who can either get to the quarterback or push John Abraham in a wheelbarrow towards the quarterback, and a tight end to replace the bag of bones that is Tony Gonzalez. I also think they need a quarterback and a better coach, but I’m biased. They also need a new mascot. Who’s afraid of this guy?
What a Falcons Fan is Drinking: Urine.
Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:
I think this year, Mike Smith will finally reveal he’s actually Steve Martin in (slight) disguise. Then he’s going to make all of the players dress up like Czech brothers and go out to a nightclub. At the nightclub, someone is going to make fun of Matt Ryan’s rat tail. Without warning, Julio Jones is going to produce a switchblade and stab the guy. In a panic, Julio and Matt Ryan are going to escape to an abandoned church. They dye Julio’s hair and read “Nothing Gold Can Stay” a few times until Julio decides he needs to turn himself in. Before he can, though, the abandoned church catches fire and Julio dies after trying to save a bunch of children inside (one of them Jacquizz Rodgers.) Then the Falcons lose to the Saints by 40.
Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I’m going to attempt to be serious for the first time in this article. I hate the Falcons. A lot. But one of the reasons I hate them is because I know they can win the division, because they’re a pretty good team, and I don’t like that. I think the Saints can overcome all these punishments and compete for the division, but I think the Falcons have a pretty good shot at winning it. They’ll go 10-6 again, but this year that might be enough.
Tune in tomorrow as Ben covers the Saints! No, seriously, you better read it. I gave Jon Vilma your address.