Monthly Archives: March 2012

by | March 22, 2012 · 7:20 am

Team Retrospective: Atlanta Falcons

We were sitting in the FBB office the other day, drinking beer and throwing darts at a Prince Fielder poster, when Ben came in with our retrospective assignments on the NFC South. I eagerly anticipated getting to write about the Saints, how they would overcome self-produced adversity and be the first team to play inside its own city for the Super Bowl.

Instead, I got a piece of paper with “Atlana Falcons” scrawled crudely in orange crayon.

“Ben,” I said, holding up the paper. “You do realize that I only genuinely hate one team in the entire NFL, and you’re asking me to do a retrospective on them, right?” And no lie, this was the face Ben gave me in response.

You're a mean one, BVI.

So it’s obvious he wants the hatred and extreme bias. So let’s get started. This is the Asshole Dumbfuck Herpes Birds Retrospective. (Atlanta Falcons)

Team Highlight: In Week 14, the Falcons went up against perhaps the best team in NFL history, the 4-8 Carolina Panthers. The Panthers were relentless in their offensive explosion, going up 23-7 in the first half against the clearly overmatched Falcons. Then, the Falcons rebounded in the second half with two interceptions against Cam Newton, who we all know is the greatest quarterback of our generation. They scored 24 points in the second half and asserted themselves as the dominant second best team in the division. It was clearly their best win of the season. Afterwards, Matt Ryan could be heard saying, “I can’t wait to rewatch this game on ESPN Classic.”

Team Lowlight: I really wanted to make fun of Mike Smith here. I wanted to bring up how he went for it on 4th and 1 against one of the worst run defenses in the league, and still got stuffed and lost. But somehow, losing 24-2 to the Giants is worse. Sure, the Giants won the Super Bowl, so they’re pretty impressive, but to not be able to score any points offensively? Yeah, that’s embarrassing. Also, I posit that it is more embarrassing to lose 24-2 than 24-0. Because if you lose 24-0, you get shut out completely. But 24-2? That just looks silly. It looks like a six-sevens park league basketball game, and the only points you scored were a layup at the end of regulation when nobody cared anymore.

FBB Reader Mike Atchison points out that Matt Ryan looks like Fire Marshall Bill. I don't disagree!

Team MVP: Matt Ryan was clearly the best player on the team. But we really have to end this “Matty Ice” nickname. It’s ridiculous. First of all, it’s a play on one of the worst beers ever. Second, find me someone named Matt (not that hard, there are like 10 of them starting as an NFL QB) who likes being called “Matty.” It’s probably the second worst “y” ending to a name (Nicky being the ultimate worst; Adam Sandler’s fault). Thirdly, it doesn’t even fit his persona. If I were to come up with an appropriate nickname for Matt Ryan, it’d be “Matty Will Never Lead Us To Greatness Because he’s Too Soft and He Needs to Comb His Fucking Hair.” Or “Fartlicker” for short.

Is that...is that a fucking rat tail?

Needs: The Falcons’ genius move in trading for Julio Jones leaves them with 5 picks in this draft. They need to spend it on offensive line help, a defensive end who can either get to the quarterback or push John Abraham in a wheelbarrow towards the quarterback, and a tight end to replace the bag of bones that is Tony Gonzalez. I also think they need a quarterback and a better coach, but I’m biased. They also need a new mascot. Who’s afraid of this guy?

Seriously, his feathers look like leaves.

What a Falcons Fan is Drinking: Urine.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

I think this year, Mike Smith will finally reveal he’s actually Steve Martin in (slight) disguise. Then he’s going to make all of the players dress up like Czech brothers and go out to a nightclub. At the nightclub, someone is going to make fun of Matt Ryan’s rat tail. Without warning, Julio Jones is going to produce a switchblade and stab the guy. In a panic, Julio and Matt Ryan are going to escape to an abandoned church. They dye Julio’s hair and read “Nothing Gold Can Stay” a few times until Julio decides he needs to turn himself in. Before he can, though, the abandoned church catches fire and Julio dies after trying to save a bunch of children inside (one of them Jacquizz Rodgers.) Then the Falcons lose to the Saints by 40.

I was going to make a joke, but I think it's more fitting to point out how much Matt Ryan looks like Ponyboy.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I’m going to attempt to be serious for the first time in this article. I hate the Falcons. A lot. But one of the reasons I hate them is because I know they can win the division, because they’re a pretty good team, and I don’t like that. I think the Saints can overcome all these punishments and compete for the division, but I think the Falcons have a pretty good shot at winning it. They’ll go 10-6 again, but this year that might be enough.

Tune in tomorrow as Ben covers the Saints! No, seriously, you better read it. I gave Jon Vilma your address.

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by | March 21, 2012 · 4:30 pm

Team Retrospective: Carolina Panthers

Holy hell why can't I stop laughing?

Teams that finish 6-10 usually aren’t as entertaining to watch as the Panthers were this past season, and pretty much all of that can be attributed to rookie QB Cam Newton. So he’s going to be a focal point of this piece. Therefore, if you don’t want to hear about Cam Newton, stop reading. Just kidding, don’t stop reading. Seriously, don’t. Otherwise this blog will fail . And it will be 100% your fault.

On the plus side, there were no mammoth expectations for the Panthers going into 2011. This was largely due to Newton’s bi-polar potential as a quarterback.  Throw in a new head coach and the guarantee of having to deal with the Falcons and the Saints for a full quarter of the schedule, and there you had it. Hooray for going 2-14 again, or if things panned out, 4-12. Granted, the Panthers didn’t blow anyone away by winning six games against beleaguered organizations like Jacksonville, Indy, and Tampa Bay, but there were at least a few sparks of hope.

The offense was rejuvenated under Newton, and the fantasy owner nightmare that is the Panthers’ tandem running attack allowed them to keep things close in more games than not. Steve Smith also proved that he can still go all Steve Smith on secondaries as he compiled just shy of 80 catches and a 1,300 yard season. Had the defense not been wracked with injuries, most notably in the linebacker department, things could have improved even more. But six wins is still unimpressive, even considering the upsides.

Now sit back and behold: your 2011 Carolina Panthers retrospective, or “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Cam Newton.”

Team Highlight: The first two weeks, where despite the losses, Newton casually stepped in and air-mailed 850 yards worth of real estate. No other rookie QB in NFL history had ever netted more than a single 400-yard game in a season, let alone in the opening two games. It had fans and critics freaking out, and Jimmy Clausen jersey sales abruptly plummeted. The biggest question mark in the franchise suddenly became an exclamation point. Scraping towards a division title seemed less important than the fact that the Panthers may have actually made a damn good decision for the team’s future.

Team Lowlight: Losing on a 4th quarter field goal to the hapless Vikings entering Panthers’ bye week, which probably, but not certainly, led to the woeful performance against the Titans when they returned. The offense sputtered, and Chris Johnson decided that he’d bust out only his 2nd 100-yard game of the year on their already-battered defense. Just to piss them off.

Cam Newton's reaction after reading all the nice things Chris had to say.

Team MVP:  That one guy who’s less fat than Jamarcus Russell and to the surprise of no one, less stupid than Vince Young. These were the only two people anyone could think to compare him to, and that’s harsh. I’m not sure I’ve seen a player in recent years as pre-crapped-on as Newton was. Analysts who simultaneously tell the world that nothing can be gauged from pre-season games, then proceed to make grand statements based on pre-season games chided Newton for looking “lost” and “indecisive” against “vanilla” defensive packages. Not to call out anyone in particular, other than someone whose name rhymes with “Stalin Plowturd.” But Newton shut everyone up with a 4,000-yard season, tacking-on 700 yards on the ground. The performance garnered him an Offensive Rookie of the Year trophy, and again, not to get all melodramatic, added to the embers of “hope” in Carolina.

Needs: Giving up almost 27 points per game is not going to cut it next year. They will have a largely-restored D-line and linebacking corps, but their secondary, even when healthy, was pretty wretched. Within the last few days, they did add former Baltimore Ravens free safety, Haruki Namura, but it might be a good idea to consider a top-tier cornerback with that 9th overall pick they own in June.

What’s a Panther Fan Drinking These Days:  Crunk Juice. A little Red Bull, a little booze, and some loudly-barked rap lyrics should get everyone amped up for what is sure to be a more enjoyable football season in the upper Carolina.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

Not very high. Unless of course it turns out the team was running a bounty program…..on their own players. Seriously, how else does every single guy on your defense get hurt unless there’s evil afoot?

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: They’ve got enough offensive weapons that you can’t count them out of any games. If they can avoid another biblical-like plague of injuries next year, they may even be able to put up a decent fight for a wild-card spot. I’ll play Mr. Optimist here and call for a hard-fought 9-7 finish, with them challenging the Falcons for that number two slot in the South.

SUPER UP-TO-DATE UPDATE: Wow, Sean Payton and the Saints got absolutely railed by Goddell, just as I thought they would. Advantage: NFC South teams. I bump my prediction to a loony 10-6.

Editor’s note: Come back tomorrow when Nate drops the Falcons retrospective on your ass.  It might be the most biased thing written on this site so far, and that’s saying something!

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by | · 12:40 pm

Sean Payton To Take A Well-Deserved Break From Football

“Holy fucking shit” doesn’t begin to convey the sentiment, so let’s just get right down to it, shall we? This will be the obligatory link-back post for the required context when we announce Nate’s impending suicide, and thus is entirely necessary.

The results of the NFL’s investigations into the bounty scandal that came to light a couple weeks ago has resulted in, as expected, heavy penalties for the New Orleans Saints and their former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams.

Williams, now the St. Louis Rams defensive coordinator, is suspended indefinitely and will meet with Goodell after the season to determine his future. Saints coach Sean Payton will be sitting out the next year, being suspended for the entire 2012 season without pay. Assistant coach Joe Vitt was suspended six games without pay and fined $100,000. Saints GM Mickey Loomis has to sit out eight games without pay this season, too, and the franchise will have to fork over half-a-million bucks and two second-round draft picks.

This is how we thank the guys responsible for tossing that assbag Favre? So much for goodwill, Goodell.

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by | · 9:28 am

We Want Pageviews: Here’s Some Peyton Manning Thoughts

It's just...weird

If you have been talking about football this last week, there’s a good chance you’ve been talking about Peyton Manning.

 TV Analysts and bloggers alike have been giving their two cents about the best possible landing spots for #18, and it all sounded like a bunch of noise to me. With the exception of ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, who made it a point to only open his mouth when something was actually happening, I never really cared where most people thought he was going to go. “Most people” were only talking about it because they had a microphone stuffed in their face for the simple reason that it was all anyone wanted to hear about. The Gregg Williams bounty scandal has more or less been wiped from the headlines, and this was one of the only stories that could do it. Brandon Marshall would have to actually murder someone in a bar instead of merely punching them.

Now we’re going to start the conversation all over again about Tim Tebow, as if it is remotely the same thing. Mr. Tebow is not a free agent, and the places that he wants to go are only relevant if the Broncos decide they are. The irony is the teams that want Tim’s services the most, and might be willing to give up slightly more, are probably not the teams that are looking for a starter. But I’m not looking to get into all that. When I started writing this piece I wanted to find something about this whole story that people AREN’T talking about to the point of nausea, and I think I found it.

The over-saturation of this story is such a startling reminder how much more popular professional football is in this country than any other sport. We are in the middle of the NCAA Men’s basketball tournament, the cusp of a new baseball season, and the NBA playoff chase is heating up yet all anyone wants to talk about is an NFL free agent signing. The only free agent signing in any other sport in recent memory to get a comparable amount of publicity is Lebron’s “Decision” but that wasn’t the NBA’s popularity, that was Lebron milking the absolute hell out of it and ESPN giving him a primetime TV special. Albert Pujols, who will go down as one of the greatest hitters in the history of major league baseball, switched teams this offseason and the media was done talking about it almost immediately after it happened. It would take a UFO blowing up the Garden during a Rangers game to get this kind of coverage for the NHL.

There have been some doomsday predictions for the NFL this offseason, that one day lawsuits from concussed players and a variety of other factors could one day bring the league to its knees. But after all this fuss about one player six months before the next season even starts, I’m having a hard time picturing it.

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by | March 20, 2012 · 8:53 am

Team Retrospective: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Welcome to our coverage of the NFC South!  Peyton Manning doesn’t play in this division, so it’s unlikely that anyone gives a shit…but let’s do it anyway!

When a young team wins they are called hungry and energized, and when they lose they are immature and inexperienced.  In 2011 the Buccaneers fell into the latter category for most of the season, which seems mystifying when you consider the impressive 10-6 season the year before.  It was a team that seemed like it was ready to break through, but unfortunately momentum, hype, and ridiculous buzz words like “yungry” don’t win football games.  What does win football games?  Players on the other team, apparently.   The Bucs were 27rd in points scored, and 32nd in points given up.  When you frame it like that, it seems almost impressive that they won four games.

It has already been an interesting off-season for Tampa, as their list of head coaching candidates was honestly one of the most unimpressive I have ever seen.  Wade Phillips?  Mike Sherman?  Seriously?   But in the end the head man at Rutgers, Greg Schiano, came out of left field to take the job.   The wisdom of this hiring has been debated, but one move that is being universally applauded is the free agent signing of Vincent Jackson.  There are some character questions there, but he’s a wide receiver so I’ve already come to grips with the fact that he’s probably insane.  There isn’t anyone happier about this move than Josh Freeman, who finally has a big time weapon to throw the ball to.  (My apologies to Arrelious Benn and Preston Parker.)

2011 was a rough season for the Bucs, but they still have a solid young nucleus.  And that kickass pirate ship!  This is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers retrospective.

By week ten fans were getting hammered and walking the plank voluntarily.

Team Highlight: In week 6 Tampa Bay hosted New Orleans and squeaked out a 26 to 20 victory.  They forced 3 Drew Brees interceptions and Josh Freeman threw for over 300 yards in what was no doubt the peak of their season.  It putTampa in first for a few moments, and got people to consider the idea that maybe the guard had changed in the NFC South.  Spoiler alert: it had not.

Team Lowlight: Basically everything that happened after week 6, as the Buccaneers lost the remaining ten games of the season.  It wasn’t like they were losing at the gun to great teams either; they were getting throttled by some very mediocre squads.  During that time they lost two games to the Carolina Panthers by a combined score of 86 to 35 and got pounded by the hapless Jags 41-14.  To say that this stretch was embarrassing is an understatement.  I think if I was the guy in charge of the pirate ship cannon I would have been getting black out drunk and firing it off randomly by week 15, crying out for the stone feet of Brad Johnson.  Originally I made the case on this very blog that Raheem Morris should get to stick around for another season, but when I take a look back at this debacle…well, dude had to go.

Connor Barth might have been runner-up.

Team MVP: Josh Freeman had an absolutely abysmal season.  LeGarrette Blount was injured and inconsistent.  Mike Williams failed to improve on his impressive rookie year.  No one really stood out on the defensive side of the ball.  I guess I’m just going to go with Kellen Winslow Jr.  After an injury plagued start to his career, Kellen has become a consistent performer and a reliable target.  In the last three seasons he has averaged almost 800 yards a season and over ten yards a catch.  I’m giving the team MVP to a tight end, that’s how bad this season really was.

Needs: The Bucs have already signed the best wide receiver and offensive lineman (Vincent Jackson and Carl Nicks respectively) of the free agent class, along with a solid corner in Eric Wright.  Tampa Bay has already had an impressive offseason and it’s not over yet.  Look for them to draft some impact players on defense, as they finished 31st in turnover margin in 2011.

What’s a Buccaneer fan drinking these days: I’m not sure what this drink is exactly, but I’d find out how to make it immediantly.  This is a team on the rise, so enjoy yourself.  But if Josh Freeman plays like he did this season just dump a bunch of Bacardi 151 in there too.  It’ll still taste good, because just look at it.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

 The Straight Cash Homey meter was incredible, but it’s nice that it got to go out when it was on top and not stale, literally changing the face of football blogging forever.  Anyway, I think the scandal likelihood is moderate because there’s always a chance that Vincent Jackson is going to hold out, demand the ball more, and drive drunk simultaneously.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: This is the probably the hardest one I’ve had to pick so far.  You have a new coaching staff, high priced free agents, and a young team.  Either way I think they will be better than last year, but I don’t think they’ll be winning the NFC South this year.  I will say 8-8 because honestly I have no idea what this team is capable of.

Stop back tomorrow when Chris Dorsey tells us a thing or two about the Panthers season and posts his own shirtless combine photos!

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