Warning: SPOILERS BELOW!
As you might recall, we are able to tell the future with the use of gypsy magic.
What do we use these powers for, you might ask? Well we certainly aren’t running around trying to save the world like Nicholas Cage or anything like that. It looks exhausting. No we channel these abilities to tell you random stuff about the next NFL season. And remember, even if we are wrong it was on purpose to create an exact chain of events. For more on the science of this, watch The Butterfly Effect with *Footbawl Blog enthusiast Ashton Kutcher.
* = possibly true, you never know right?
This week I’m going to give you 100% guarantees about how some of the most compelling off-season storylines are going to turn out. Today I’m going to start with the Peyton Manning sweepstakes!
Image courtesy of ESPN.com
Mike Sims-Walker is looking for something. It isn’t just a new team, and it isn’t a notary to change his name (cool side note: 1.6% of NFL players have hyphenated last names. Now there’s a way to impress your friends at the snooker table!)
No, Sims-Walker is looking for 2009 again. That year, he produced numbers that had many people convinced he was worth a sixth-round choice in fantasy football in 2010. Okay, maybe not many people. Maybe just me. In any case, his numbers dipped in 2010 and nearly disappeared in 2011.
But who cares, right? I mean, the struggles of a receiver from Central Florida aren’t particularly interesting unless you look at it in a certain way. So I prefer to look at it as an old time mystery requiring the services of a private eye.
At least he can’t be charged for this
When you think of the Lions’ 2011 season, one of the first images that leap to your mind is most likely Ndamukong Suh’s Thanksgiving Day stomp, but there were plenty of other incidents that were cause for concern. Not even head coach Jim Schwartz was immune from having a hilarious and inappropriate lapse in judgment. But the idea that a young football team has discipline problems is not exactly shocking. The thought was that tumultuous season would be a learning experience, and in 2012 the Lions would grow up.
So far it isn’t going so well.
OAKLAND RAIDERS CAMP
Dennis Allen: All right, guys. I’m really excited with the team we’ve got here. Last year’s Raiders were really close to winning the division, and I think with the changes we’ve made this year, we’ll be able to do it for sure!
Darren McFadden: What changes? We didn’t have any high draft picks and we didn’t really do anything in free agency either.
Dennis Allen: I meant me.
Darren McFadden: Oh.
Dennis Allen: I know it sounds tough, especially since Tim Tebow apparently got a lot better in Denver by changing his name to Peyton Manning. But I really think we have a chance here, especially if we establish an identity.
[Allen is momentarily interrupted by a loud belch. Everyone looks around, but there is no followup. Allen shrugs and moves on.]
Dennis Allen: To me, that’s the most important thing we have to do if we want to contend for a championship. We have to really define ourselves…
[Another belch rings out, but Allen is gaining momentum – he continues.]
Dennis Allen: We have to give ourselves a championship mentality, and in order to do that, we have to really know who we are.
“We know who we are, coach.”
Dennis Allen: Who said that back there?
[Everyone in the front turns around and parts the crowd to reveal:]
Collin Cowherd appears on ESPN radio and television. He uses these mediums to say dumb things. Ben writes about the dumbest of these things.
“Kobe Bryant is underrated! I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore!”
And yes, before you ask, this is going to be a regular feature.
I work from home, and during the day I use a variety of sports programming as background noise. I hear a lot of illogical things said during the course of an average day, but it is rare that someone says something so idiotic that I am forced to stop working for a moment. Usually these gems come from Colin Cowherd. If you aren’t familiar with the man, imagine the average idiot who posts inflammatory nonsense in the YouTube comments section of a Natalie Merchant music video, and now imagine that guy given an education and a bunch of air time. To those of you familiar with Colin, don’t worry…I’m not going to write a post every time he says something a little off base just for a reaction. I simply don’t have the time for that. No, this feature is reserved for the kind of statements that remind me just how irresponsible and ridiculous mainstream sports journalism has become.
Today’s nugget is an observation he had about the NFL draft a few weeks ago, and re-iterated this week. Cowherd, in an attempt to explain why he would stay away from drafting certain wide receivers, explained that if you see highlight videos of a wideout making catches (even spectacular catches) in traffic that you should pass on them. His reasoning is that if you don’t have the ability to separate, you aren’t going to be good in the pros. Is separating from a defensive back important? Of course it is. But that’s like saying that you want to avoid running backs who break tackles because they should have juked the defender in the first place.
When Calvin Johnson goes up and does this is anyone concerned with his lack of separation? In college football the talent gap between the great players and the rest is significantly larger than in the pros so a lot of good receivers get open pretty easily. But because of the skill and recovery speed of many of the cornerbacks in the NFL, even if you run a perfect route defenders will still be in the area when the ball gets there. How many big third down conversions can you think of off the top of your head where a wideout is being blanketed by a corner but the quarterback sticks it right in there and the receiver makes a great catch? If you watch a lot of football, you have seen too many of them to count. It is obviously an important skill to be able to make catches with defenders draped all over you.
My point is not that Colin actually believes this theory; he just needs stuff to talk about. He took a player that another analyst liked (in this case Michael Floyd) and made up a completely illogical reason to disagree with them and then tried to package it as logic. This is a pretty good summary of what sports radio is, Cowherd is just more prominent (and unbearable) than most. ESPN doesn’t care – people listen to Colin just because they love to hate his irrational bullshit.
At least now I have this feature as an excuse.