OAKLAND RAIDERS CAMP
Dennis Allen: All right, guys. I’m really excited with the team we’ve got here. Last year’s Raiders were really close to winning the division, and I think with the changes we’ve made this year, we’ll be able to do it for sure!
Darren McFadden: What changes? We didn’t have any high draft picks and we didn’t really do anything in free agency either.
Dennis Allen: I meant me.
Darren McFadden: Oh.
Dennis Allen: I know it sounds tough, especially since Tim Tebow apparently got a lot better in Denver by changing his name to Peyton Manning. But I really think we have a chance here, especially if we establish an identity.
[Allen is momentarily interrupted by a loud belch. Everyone looks around, but there is no followup. Allen shrugs and moves on.]
Dennis Allen: To me, that’s the most important thing we have to do if we want to contend for a championship. We have to really define ourselves…
[Another belch rings out, but Allen is gaining momentum – he continues.]
Dennis Allen: We have to give ourselves a championship mentality, and in order to do that, we have to really know who we are.
“We know who we are, coach.”
Dennis Allen: Who said that back there?
[Everyone in the front turns around and parts the crowd to reveal:]
Matt Leinart: WE’RE A BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ PARTY ANIMALS!
Dennis Allen: Oh Jesus.
Matt Leinart: Discipline is cool and shit, but some smart dude with glasses did a study and proved teams win more when they’re happier. Ain’t that right, buddy?
Dennis Allen: Who are you talki…
Carson Palmer: THAT’S RIGHT, MATTY THE PUSSYKILLER! And you know I’m happy when I’m BLASTED!
[Carson chugs a beer and burps heavily. Dennis Allen grabs his hair as the Raider players walk towards the two drinking quarterbacks.]
Dennis Allen: No, no, no. This is not how we do things here.
Carson Palmer: Sorry, coach, but we’re going by the rulebook of the Qoppa Beta fraternity now, and that IS how we do things here. Instead of laps, we drink. Instead of cone drills, we drink. Instead of fucking the cheerleaders…well, we still do that. That’s our code, and as the longest tenured member of the Raiders here, what I say goes.
Darren McFadden: I’ve been here years before you.
Carson Palmer: Yeah, but you’re not a member of the fraternity.
Darren McFadden: Can I be a member of the fraternity?
Matt Leinart: NO! Violation of rule 17: if you get injured ALL THE FUCKING TIME you can’t be a part of the fraternity.
Darren McFadden: That’s not in there.
Carson Palmer: Check the rulebook.
[He hands Darren the rulebook.]
Darren McFadden: This is written on a napkin.
Shane Lechler: From a strip club.
Richard Seymour: Just outside Bakersfield. Gross.
Carson Palmer: That’s where we have chapter meetings!
Matt Leinart: And recruit Raiderettes.
Dennis Allen: This is ridiculous. Drop that beer bong. Stop hanging out with that fat kid. And everyone else stop listening to these two assholes! We’re going to run some drills, and we’re going to do it with strength and intensity.
Matt Leinart: You want intensity? Watch this.
[Leinart grabs a 40 of Olde English 800 and smashes it against his face, then licks the blood and beer around his lips.]
Matt Leinart: Mmmm, blood and beer. Tastes like Brynn Cameron on her period.
Dennis Allen: That is disgusting. Stop all of this right now. We have the chance to be the best team in the AFC West. We can’t just spend our time drinking and fighting. We owe it to the fans to conduct ourselves with dignity and class.
[Leinart belches, then wipes the blood from his face.]
Matt Leinart: Class? Dignity? Coach. Look around. We live in Oakland.
[Dennis Allen thinks for a second. Then shrugs his shoulders.]
Dennis Allen: Good point. Fuck it. Give me one of those 40s!
Carson Palmer: Yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Now let’s do some Qoppa Beta traditions. Coach, you put Terrelle Pryor in the goat sex room, and Matt and I are going to go show some Raiderettes our DVD collection. Ready…break!
Darren McFadden: We’re so fucked.