Gazing into the Crystal Ball: Peyton Manning

Warning: SPOILERS BELOW!

As you might recall, we are able to tell the future with the use of gypsy magic.

What do we use these powers for, you might ask? Well we certainly aren’t running around trying to save the world like Nicholas Cage or anything like that. It looks exhausting.  No we channel these abilities to tell you random stuff about the next NFL season. And remember, even if we are wrong it was on purpose to create an exact chain of events. For more on the science of this, watch The Butterfly Effect with *Footbawl Blog enthusiast Ashton Kutcher.

* = possibly true, you never know right?

This week I’m going to give you 100% guarantees about how some of the most compelling off-season storylines are going to turn out. Today I’m going to start with the Peyton Manning sweepstakes!

How many games will Peyton play? 15. Manning is one of the greatest competitors in pro sports, and I think he would do anything necessary to get back out on the field, but he also seems smart enough that I don’t think he’d come back if he was at all worried about a serious injury. There will be one game in the middle of the season that Manning will have some stiffness in his neck and everyone will freak out and make him sit down. However, it’s going to be smooth sailing overall.

How many small, untalented, white wide receivers will #18 throw touchdowns to this season? The answer to this is three. It will also be revealed that Peyton creates these wideouts in his basement through horrible experiments that involve human embryos, test tubes, and a piece of Brandon Stokley’s hair.

How will his stats look? 35 touchdowns, 13 interceptions, 4368 yards, 24 “aww shucks” interview moments, 8 new TV commercials, 2 women saved from burning buildings, and one coupon for free ice cream sent to everyone in Denver.

After year one, will the Broncos consider this acquisition a success? Yes.  While they aren’t going to win the Super Bowl this next season, it will be obvious that they are closer. With the evidence that Broncos management sees in the 2012 campaign, they will attempt to stock up in the next offseason and make sure that his #1 target isn’t Demaryius Thomas. The receivers are already raving about how Peyton actually throws the ball in their general direction (sorry Tim) and the defense will be pleased to know that if they have a bad game they are not totally fucked.

Well, there you have it!  Next time I will let you know exactly how the Saints will react to their offseason turmoil.