The NFL and ESPN Conspiring Together, Or How I Tried To Make a Cardinals News Story Interesting

It was either play football or be an extra in a Kid Rock video

Three hundred and twenty words.

That’s how many words were in an ESPN article earlier today about Kevin Kolb being #1 on the Cardinals’ depth chart.

That’s also how many words were wasted.

Besides the easy point that no one outside of Phoenix gives a rat’s ass who the starting quarterback is, it was pretty obvious that Kolb was going to be listed as the starter on the depth chart. I saw this article earlier today and thought, “Wow, I should write an article about how those 320 words could have been better spent.” The article was going to include crawfish pasta recipes, BJ Raji’s grocery list, and a list of alcohol Ben is going to consume next week for the first preseason game. But I didn’t write that article because I was busy thinking about Tim Tebow running in the rain working, so I decided to put it off until later.

AND THAT’S WHEN SHIT ACTUALLY GOT INTERESTING!

A little more than an hour ago, ESPN released another article about the Cardinals, one shy of the Cardinals stories per day record. This article reported that Kolb left practice with a bruised thigh. It also reiterated the previous article’s stance that just because Kolb was atop the depth chart, it did not guarantee he had won the inevitably epic quarterback challenge against future hall of famer John Skelton. This article wasted another 115 words, bringing us to a total of 435 words written about the Cardinals today.

It’s obvious what this means. Clearly the NFL and ESPN have conspired together to fake results for news stories. ESPN wrote a stupid article, realized it wrote a stupid article, then made sure that Kolb got injured so their initial article would be vaguely interesting. This is an alarming trend. Today it’s an injury, but tomorrow it could be a Super Bowl victory. The entire game turned on its head just so ESPN interns can write 400 words of drivel.

But it’s still about the Cardinals, so who cares? I can also waste 320 words, bitches!  (Please don’t count the words. It isn’t exactly 320.)