Stop Being Smart, Miami! Smart isn’t Entertaining!

“It wasn’t me, Joe! I was just bowing my head to pray like I always do when my woman is bein’ feisty, and she lowered hers too!”

Dear Miami Dolphins,

What the hell are you doing?

You can’t cut Chad Johnson just because he hit somebody. That’s not the way it works. You’re supposed to give him another chance based on his immense-though-as-of-yet-unrealized talent. You’re supposed to have egg on your face over and over again as he makes headlines by being obnoxious and self-promoting, and at the end of the day you just shrug your shoulders and say, “That’s just the way it is.”

Granted, we are not fans of your organization, so we’re a little biased. But seriously, think of what you’re doing to us.

Chad Johnson on a team that we aren’t fans of is prime entertainment. And you guys are on HBO too! This was supposed to be the ratings driver you were looking for! Let’s be honest, David Garrard has the personality of a tube sock that has been soaked in vanilla extract and stuffed in the freezer. And Reggie Bush hasn’t been interesting since his ESPY commercial. The only way people were going to care about your boring franchise is if Chad Johnson would occasionally drive by on a 4 wheeler and offer to braid Darnell Dockett’s hair.

But more than that, Miami, is that we aren’t used to this sort of reaction. You know, the smart one. Because what you’re doing is actually really intelligent. Not giving a potential team cancer the chance to wreck your young, directionless organization? Showing that a standard of discipline will be enforced without exclusion? That’s something a smart franchise does.

And as someone who doesn’t support your team, I don’t want you to be a smart franchise. I want you to be the Bengals. I want you to take stupid chances on people who don’t deserve it, and watch them make you regret it over and over again. I want you to be a team that I can look at, roll my eyes, and think “You silly Dolphins.” Because that’s fun.

You’re taking away all of my fun.

So please, reconsider. Resign him, and give him a signing bonus. And while you’re at it, re-hire Bill Parcells and have them fight on camera. It’ll be more competitive than most MMA fights for sure.

Think of us, Dolphins! Think of the fans who want nothing more than to see you fail. Stop being so selfish!

Sincerely,

Bored of Preseason Already