It’s 11:45. You have work in 7 hours. Your eyes are tired, your cheek is red from the palm of your hand. Your girlfriend/wife/dog/roommate/imaginary friend has long ago gone to bed, tired of telling you to turn off the computer and go to sleep.
But you can’t join him/her/it. Why?
Because you’re too busy reading fantasy football draft columns.
We’ve all been there. Every August, we become consumed with our desire to get every bit of knowledge we can. We listen to the radio, we watch TV, we ask our friends and our family members. All because we’re obsessed with winning our fantasy football leagues.
Well, that ends for me. Starting this year, I promise to do no research for my fantasy football draft. I will not read one KFFL snippet. If I’m listening to ESPN radio and Matthew Berry comes on the radio, I will either turn it off or, if I can’t reach the radio dial, crash into the nearest lightpole. I will go into my fantasy football drafts with absolutely no “insider knowledge” on who to take and who to let slide into later rounds.
I probably won’t win, and I might lose some money in the process. But at least I’ll be able to spend my August well rested and not concerned with what third string running back is having a good preseason.
So how will I conduct my drafts? I’m glad you asked! I have a few ways I’m considering, and if you’re tired of caring too much about draft night, you can try them too.
1. The Al Davis approach
Draft Sebastian Janikowski in the first round. (Bonus points for drafting Darius Heyward-Bey over Michael Crabtree in Round 7)
2. Ask My Mom
“Hey, mom. It’s the second round, and I already got Aaron Rodgers. Should I draft Jamaal Charles or go with a stud wide receiver instead?”
“Definitely stud receiver. Is Lance Moore available?”
“…I think we’re using different meanings of the word stud, mom.”
3. Use draft settings from 2008, when I was top of my regular season
“Why isn’t Tomlinson on this board? Oh well, I’ll just draft Roy Williams. He’s got to eventually get it together, right?”
4. The Boston Approach
Only draft guys like Brady, Welker, Woodhead, Gronkowski. But it’s not limited to only Patriots players. Also look for guys like Danny Amendola, Brandon Stokeley, Brian Hartline, Peyton Hillis…GET IT GUYS BOSTON IS RACIST
5. The Sleeping With the Enemy Approach
This doesn’t necessarily apply to me, although it could if this season doesn’t go the way I want it to. Draft players of your strongest division rival, so when they destroy your team, at least you have something to console yourself with. Then, after the league is over, you can set fire to your computer to burn the evidence.
These will probably be the worst fantasy football teams I ever field, but at least I’m not stressing out about it. There’s nothing more annoying than being worried about a game based off of something that doesn’t matter in the first place. That’s why I stopped playing D&D when I was 16.
Enjoy the rest of the preseason. I know I will!