Twelve guidelines NFL players (and pretty much everyone else on the planet) should follow

“Read the fucking list!”

It seems like many athletes are getting arrested these days. While common sense supposedly accounts for avoiding such behavior, some of these guys just can’t catch a break from the law.

Some of them are a bit more valuable to their team than others, so it’s somewhat understandable that Jerry Jones would be pissed at Dez Bryant for his superfluous off-field dramatics. And while Dez might have the luxury of a security team ratting out each juicy transgression to Jerry and keeping him in line, others don’t have the kind of hands-on care normally reserved for small children.

I’ve proposed a list of guidelines which football players, basketball players, and generally all sentient beings that have pulses should adhere to. Without further ado, what it takes to not be shitty:

1. Don’t punch your wife – That includes slapping, kicking, grabbing, choking, elbowing, kneeing, cunching, karate chopping, bludgeoning, water boarding, indian burning, DDTing, OR HEADBUTTING.
2. Don’t punch hookers – However some of the other stuff might be allowed, but check with your local whore before you start getting kinky.
3. Don’t punch your mom – You know, just don’t punch anyone.
4. Get a driver – Or a taxi, a bus, the train, your little brother, someone who owes you money, someone you owe money (with the promise of more money.) Not easy for some, but for NFL players it shouldn’t be impossible.
5. Wear a condom – Unless you want more child support payments. And on that note…
6. Pay child support – One of many bad choices that WILL come back and bite you in the ass.
7. Where’s your money? – Hopefully not invested in Samsung or Facebook (or tied up in child support). Make sure you know what’s going on with your wallet.
8. Quit selling and/or trafficking drugs – And other illegal shit. But even if you do, for shit’s sake, make someone else handle your business for you. You act like you’ve never watched the Wire, Jerome Simpson.
9. DO NOT GO TO ATLANTA WITH PAC MAN JONES – This can’t be stressed anymore than bold type and caps lock, but it should be.
10. Always have a fall guy if you need to kill someone – Combine with No. 4 for maximum effect, unless you’re the NBA’s Jayson Williams.
11. Do not talk to TMZ – Nothing good will come of it.
12. Don’t take your achievements for granted– Because things like the Heisman Trophy and a BCS National Championship aren’t always permanent.

It seems obvious, I know, but at the rate the Lions are going you’d think they’re encouraging their players to live like it’s the rapture.

One more thing: don’t kill yourself. At least not before making arrangements to donate your brain.