You’d think by now we’d nail down a standard format for our Hard Knocks recaps. We’ll you’d be wrong! Today you are getting UNPRECEDENTED ACCESS (!!!!) into the lives of our writers. Here was the conversation Joseph and I had while we watched the fourth episode.
Note: I would recommend watching the episode before reading this.
Joseph: Previously on Hard Knocks, Les Brown’s wife watches the show and thinks he’s a douchebag also.
Ben: Previously on Hard Knocks, I am reminded that we are going to give all new writers weird haircuts.
Joseph: Eric Steinbach is the next example of art slowly catching up to life.
Ben: Here’s the thing about Eric retiring…I don’t give a shit.
Joseph: EXACTLY. They’ve telegraphed this thing since the beginning. This just makes that first cut, at the very beginning of the show, of Derek Dennis all the more hilarious.
Ben: What the Dolphins don’t realize is a lot of these players weren’t cut, this is the start of the HBO Hards Knocks Murder Mystery spin-off. Also, here comes another awkward Philbin sit-down.
Joseph: That should be the subtitle of the DVD box set.
Ben: Philbin just dropped his first ever F-bomb. He probably feels naughty.
Joseph: He knew I was calling him boring. Touche, other Joe.
Ben: Hey look it’s…
Joseph: ANOTHER DUB STEP MONTAGE. I think that’s four-for-four on the dub step montage.
Ben: All of these roster moves remind me, Nathan Raby has made the Footbawl Blog four man roster. Congrats!
Joseph: Such a joyous occasion. Let’s shave his eyebrows.
Ben: I think he’d look great with cheetah hair.
Joseph: While we’ve been fantasizing about Nate with peroxide in his hair, someone on Hard Knocks told another “Something almost happened to me…” story.
Ben: I think Les Brown is this season’s Danny Woodhead in the sense that the coaches are going to tell us that they like him the entire time, and then he’s going to get cut.
Joseph: The fact that he’s going to get cut is making these segments more watchable. Also, cue Tannehill. Lauren that is.
Ben: I’d love a bit where all the lineman are talking about running a train on her, and high fiving. Did I say that out loud?
Joseph: I really like that in this episode, they are shameless in their Lauren-voyeurism. They showed her BEFORE Ryan, this time.
Ben: Speaking of her husband…
Joseph: Do we know more about the NFL than Ryan Tannehill?
Ben: Why yes, yes we do. He actually thought the Giants were in the NFC North.
(Editor’s note: he really did)
Joseph: And the Chiefs are in the NFC East.
Ben: Matt Moore just did the Jim Halpert deadpan camera stare after that last revelation.
Joseph: Do you think Mike Pouncey’s wife really gives a shit about football? She’s been handfed talking points by producers. “Do you think Jarrerd-Gerrard will get his spot back? I hope you win the football match.”
Ben: When Pouncey told his better half that they “should win” against the Falcons, he proved that he also knows less about football than us.
Joseph: Hey Jerrell Root, you know what’s a good idea? Telling your coach you weren’t doing what he caught you doing.
Ben: Root looked like a douche, but Philbin’s passive aggressive talks are really starting to wear on me.
Joseph: Now that they’re finally showing the preseason game, maybe we’ll see some gratuitous shots of Lauren Tannehill in the audien– there we go.
Ben: They made the first half look pretty exciting, and then they showed the score was 9-3. This is way better than watching an actual Dolphins game this year.
Joseph: We don’t pay $20 a month for HBO for nothing.
Ben: I realize this is a preseason game, and it’s raining…but I think there are eighteen people in the stands.
Joseph: Eighteen? That’s a record. Maybe the Marlins game just got out.
Ben: Here comes the part of the show where everyone gets cut! If I was ever told to bring a playbook to someone’s office, I’d draw over a bunch of the plays with crude pictures.
Joseph: I would too, right after I faxed all the pages to Bill Belichick. Also, Jeff Ireland just insulted Jonathan Wade as he cut him. He’s got balls.
Ben: Well, goodbye Les.
Joseph: FINALLY. THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR! Ben, have I ever told you how much I hate Lester Brown? And his dubious use of the slang, “youzh”?
Ben: Yeah I think I got that memo. Listen Les, you show up with that mustache and a Marlins hat…I don’t know what to tell ya.
Joseph: Doesn’t he know the Franchise was cancelled, Jon Hamm be damned?
Ben: I think the Marlins are cancelled.
Joseph: I love Vontae’s initial response to finding out he’s been traded. “I’ve gotta call my grandma.”
Ben: He said it two seconds after finding out. My favorite moment of the episode!
Joseph: Latest awkward moment was Vontae asking what he was traded for, and Ireland’s response being “a couple picks.” WHAT A DICK! I love it.
Ben: Well, that seems to be the end of the show. Except for the preview of next week…
Joseph: On the season finale of Hard Knocks, the Dolphins finally realize they are absolutely fucked at the WR position.
Ben: Next time on Hard Knocks – Les Brown shows up with a fake mustache over his real mustache, tries out for team all over again.
What did you think of this episode of Hard Knocks? How would you look with cheetah hair? Let us know in the comments section!