Hard Knocks Episode Five Recap: “Get Us Out of Here” Edition

The currently incarnation of Hard Knocks ended last night with a disappointing last episode where it seemed blatantly obvious that the good folks at HBO simply ran out of ways to make the Dolphins look interesting. Here is a transcription of the conversation that Joseph and myself had while watching the show.

Joe: Previously on Hard Knocks, HBO focuses more on the team talent show than on practices in order to maintain your girlfriend’s interest.

Ben: Previously on Hard Knocks, Vontae Davis doesn’t understand English.

Joe: As the Dolphins roster learns of the Vontae Davis trade, Coach Philbin goes to his own personal roast courtesy of local journalists.

Ben: Philbin looked at that reporter like, “Can I cut this guy?”

Joe: He wanted to invite him to “Funtime on Uncle Joe’s Couch”

Ben: It says “Champions Work Here” at the Dolphins training facility. Is someone there a world class scrabble player or something?

Joe: “What’s that game you play as a kid? NOT THAT I WOULD EVER KNOW BECAUSE I WAS NEVER A CHILD NOR DID I HAVE FUN.” – Coach Joe Philbin

Ben: Philbin’s idea of fun, as well as mine, is cutting Les Brown.

Joe: Or winning Scrabble championships.  Anyway, it’s the last episode of the season, so of course HBO is going to throw in Chad Johnson references. So far we have two, and it’s only a few minutes in. It’s not like they needed that segue to talk about their receivers. It’s simple, you just cut to Joe Philbin saying “Our receivers suck ass.” Boom. Dubstep montage.

Ben: “I’m just spitballing here, but robot wide receivers? How about it science!”

Joe: Jeff Ireland would probably go for that.

Ben: Ireland has Cyberdyne written all over him. Oh, there’s Garrard with a Snoop Dogg reference. The other quarterbacks looked scared.

Joe: Now the quarterbacks are talking about Ace of Bass and Ryan Tannehill has no idea what the fuck they’re talking about.

Ben: Mike Sherman’s sense of humor is one of the only things keeping this show afloat. WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!

Joe: Coming up next on Voyeur TV, Lauren Tannehill builds Ikea furniture. I never thought I’d say this, but I wish HBO went with the Jets instead. Antonio Cromartie has probably had, like, five more kids by now.

Ben: I could not agree more.

Joe:  Jarrell Root, again, demonstrates that he thinks this is junior high school. I think he passed a note to another teammate at the front of the room during that film study.

Ben: I don’t even have anything to say at this point, this show is running out of gas. But I bet watching Jarrell try to learn how to play guitar is really going to pick shit up.

(Editor’s note: We misspelled Jarrell about five different ways initially)

Joe: That’s what this show needed. A musical number. Next, bring on the murder-suicide.

Ben: I want this thing to switch genres so bad. Maybe a kung-fu movie?

Joe: They started this montage of guys preparing to go to Dallas with an emotional power ballad and the quote “This is a huge fucking game.” Classy shit, HBO.

Ben: “Hey Romo, good to see you. ALSO GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” – Tight Ends Coach Dan Campbell

Joe: What do you think Philbin’s halftime speech will be like?

Ben: “Huh, turns out I’m a bad coach.”

Joe:  Actual speech was, “I tell you what, that was bullshit, that thirty minutes right there.” Close, Ben!

Ben: Made the hairs on my arm stand up.

Joe: I want to play football like Rudy, now.

Ben: Root talking about his missed sacks is like me telling people about my fantasy team. Nobody cares.

Joe: But your team name is so clever!

Ben: I drafted Randy Moss just to keep the Straight Cash Homey Meter ™ around.

Joe: A sacrifice that will be honored!

Ben: Well, there goes our favorite defensive lineman! “Did I ever tell you kids about the time I almost made a roster?” – Jarrell Root, 30 years from now

Joe: I don’t wish ill upon anyone. Except Jarrell Root. And Les Brown. And the Miami Dolphins. And the AFC East. But no one else.

Ben: More Chad Johnson. Sigh.

Joe: Here they go with a full-blown feature, reminiscent of Terrell Owens’ pathetic workout.

Ben: Chad’s boxing trainer just said, “It’s like love making, all in the hips.”

Joe: Now the best time of the show, and by far the most interesting, The Awkward Zone, Live from Philbin’s Couch.

Ben: It sounds like someone just told Devlin that if he turns his phone off, he can’t be cut.

Joe: I like how Jeff Ireland is saying that they have the chance to be claimed on waivers by another team, with that bastard’s smile thinking that they won’t.

Ben: “Welcome to the practice squad, you’ll probably die here.”

Joe: Yes, the moment I’ve been waiting for since earlier today…the Quarterback situation.

Ben: It’d be funny if they decided who to cut by looking at the Madden ratings.

Joe: That’s how Whisenhunt picked his starter.

Ben: Philbin is talking directly to management when he says, “Sometimes it takes a long time to build a good team.”

Joe: You know, I was just thinking it sounded like he was making a retirement speech.

Ben: The closing credits are somehow the most entertaining part of the show. I just like it when people swear. I’m a crude man, living in a crude time.

Joe: Outtakes! Holy shit I think this might make the entire show worth it.

Ben: Haha, no. Next time on Hard Knocks…a less boring team.

Joe: Next time on Hard Knocks…hopefully another lockout, because that’s better than this shit.

What did you think of this season of Hard Knocks? Let us know in the comments section!