Your Favorite Team Sucks : (Sigh) The New Orleans Saints

This one’s gonna hurt.

The good news is this outfit will improve my attractiveness by 88%

Today your favorite team is the New Orleans Saints, and they suck. They don’t only suck because of what occurred on Sunday. They suck because that game made me question my view on the young season and the potential of the future for my (our) favorite team.

The Saints sucked on Sunday, and I’m tired of hearing people say that they sucked in “only one or two facets of the game.” Apparently none of the Saints has eyeballs. And the players must not either, because no one read the large poster in the locker room and damn near everywhere in New Orleans — the one with Sean Payton’s weathered, ever-scowling face and the bold letters above it saying DO YOUR JOB. This was a case of every Saints player playing below the standards of their fans and themselves. The offensive line was porous, and the secondary had just as many holes. Drew Brees had at least 10 throws that made me think Joey Harrington shrunk 4 inches. (That may have been the most sacrilegious thing I’ve ever said. I’m going to go flog myself for 10 minutes now.)

And the biggest reason they sucked? The lack of intensity. After all of the offseason turmoil, I expected the Saints to come out with something to prove. Even when they went into the half down by 6 and thoroughly outplayed all half long, I expected them to be galvanized by the experience and come out roaring. Instead, they seemed to have no energy all game long except for the end, when desperation set in.

The Saints suck because all of this actually gave credence to the shit that the media has been spouting all offseason long. “The Saints can’t win without Payton.” “This will be too much for the Saints to overcome.” And it shouldn’t be. The Saints should have been able to use this as a reason to fight harder, not a reason to give up. And it’s only one game into the year, but now when I hear Jaws run his fat stupid mouth about the importance of a leader, I can’t just disregard it because Patrick Robinson was all like “MAYBE HE’S RIGHT GUYS LET’S GIVE UP AN 88 YARD TD FOR NO REASON.”

The Saints suck because now, in a pathetic attempt of rationalization, I need to root for the Redskins this year. I need them to go 12-4, to win the East, and to have Robert Griffin III win the Rookie of the Year and – why the fuck not? – the MVP award. That will be the only thing to take the sting away from this first defeat, like it did with the Packers last year. Of course, the Redskins probably won’t do that, which will just make the Saints look worse.

The Saints suck because, in one disgustingly chilly moment in the 4th quarter, I remembered what it used to be like to be a Saints fan. Before Brees and Payton. Before the Super Bowl. Back when our greatest moment as a franchise was “HAKIM DROPPED THE BALL!” followed by Jim Mora saying something about diddly poo. The Saints suck because I wanted to never feel that way again.

The Saints suck because they’re making me overdramatic. I know that it’s only one game. I know the Saints still have a chance to win the division. But now, for another 5 long days, I have to deal with the doubt that’s creeping in the back of my mind. But that’s okay, because they have the Panthers next week! The Panther’s aren’t supposed to be that good this year, right?

…Right?

Where’s my paper bag at?

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