Monday Morning (shut up) Jerkface: Week Two — Still Jerkin’

It’s only seven days later, and thus we must overreact to another slate of NFL results. Ben might not be sober enough for this, but that doesn’t mean the ‘bawl Blog can go even a single day without a dose of snark. Here’s your Monday Morning Jerkface.

Disclaimer: I promise there will only be one terrible pun in this article.

Okay, NOW Cowboys fans can start worrying.

If Felix Jones’ fumble on the opening kick didn’t set the tone, the Dallas Cowboys were quick to make sure fans knew they were in for a long one when Felix’ brother-from-a-whiter-mother Chris got his punt blocked and returned for a touchdown.

You’re doing it wrong.

Russell Wilson had 20 attempts for 151 yards, throwing his first career TD in the process. Nothing to brag about, but it’s certainly not paltry, especially considering he was throwing against the very same secondary that got under Eli’s skin in Week 1 against the Giants. Coupling Wittle Wussle’s numbers with Marshawn Lynch’s 122 yards and one TD on the ground, and you have a decent but beatable team in Seattle.

Unfortunately, teams have to play hard during punts and kickoffs, as well as when their offense and defense are on the field. Dallas crumbled in the first five minutes and was never able to recover. Their defense looked defeated and tired, trying to limit big plays instead of stopping them.

Is Jason Garrett ready to be fired yet? Or do those murmurs only arise after the inevitable December skid? I kid, Dallas fans, but I’m only saying what you’re all thinking.

Alex Smith: The Most Elite $2 Steak You’ll Ever Eat.

It only took a hundred-plus games, but Alex Smith is looking like a number one overall pick. FINALLY. When Schwarz’ Misdemeanor Roadshow rolled into Frisco for handshake revenge, they probably weren’t anticipating Smith to throw all over their soggy secondary. Maybe they were, but it didn’t make a difference.

Why didn’t this guy say he was the best QB in the NFL?

The Lions’ secondary was without Louis Delmas, Bill Bentley and Chris Houston. And remember, they released Aaron Berry before training camp began. Alex Smith took advantage of the depleted DBs, ‘managing’ 226 yards and a pair of TDs to Vernon Davis.

I wasn’t just watching him take advantage of mismatches with Davis and Michael Crabtree. I was watching him make plays, take hits, get back up and do it again. Smith took over the end of that game and put enough dirt on the Lions to deliver them their first loss.

I mean, I guess that Niners defense did some of the work. BUT ALEX SMITH DESERVES ALL THE CREDIT. That’s what happens when you go from throwing a million interceptions per year to none. I’m not saying that the guy doesn’t have shades of the skittish, frantic wobbler he’s prone to become after taking a big hit, because he’s still the same Alex Smith that led the disappointing 49ers to many a lackluster seasons.

I’m just saying, hey, the guy is finally showing some major improvements. The tougher the meat, the more it needs to marinade.

I’m sorry, did you say Reggie Bush and CJ Spiller?

Yes, Reggie Bush and CJ Spiller. If you were to ask me to predict the top five running backs in the league after only a couple of weeks, I’d obviously tell you Arian Foster, Matt Forte, Darren McFadden, maybe even DeMarco Murray and Doug Martin.

But Reggie Bush and CJ Spiller on that list? Something strange must be going on.

While the Buffalo-Kansas City match was a strange showcase of two teams struggling with identity, the game was made watchable by the continuing excellence of CJ Spiller.

Last season Spiller lost the starting job to Fred Jackson, but after he was lost to a sprained knee he kicked opportunity in the balls, tied and gagged it, threw it in the trunk and drove if off a cliff. Maybe that’s not the best analogy, but it provides imagery of how ruthless Spiller has played in two games.

Now, honesty time: I don’t really like Reggie Bush. I’ve just never bought the hype that surrounds him. After six years in the league, he never did enough to change my mind.

This is a normal workout regimen and not distracting at all

Well, we here at the blog don’t just overreact like pessimists. We also have a monthly quota of unwarranted enthusiasm that we must meet. That’s why we are now declaring Reggie Bush THE BEST RUNNING BACK EVER!* (sorry, Nate, but it’s true)

The Raiders defense, historically, is one to be feared. In the AFC West, many teams have relied on a powerhorse at tailback and the Raiders have constantly primed their front to stop those bruisers in their tracks. But in the Raiders’ and Dolphins’ meeting this season, those roles were reversed.

Darren McFadden was held to just 22 yards on the ground while Bush ran for 172, netting two scores as well. And it wasn’t the typical quick-pitch-outside or well-executed draws that pushed Bush to what’s arguably his career game so far. No, the guy was actually RUNNING BETWEEN TACKLES and FOLLOWING BLOCKS! Holy shit, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him do that—even at USC. His evolution at Miami continues — he might have even made Hard Knocks watchable, had he actually been on it.

*(I’m joking — Reggie Bush is not the best ever. Spare me the hatemail, please.)

What I’m looking forward to next week:

• The Eagles versus the Cardinals in a streetfight for Kevin Kolb’s soul (and, I guess, to remain undefeated).
• A referee getting straight up murdered on the field.
• Chris Johnson doing SOMETHING.
• Hopefully a win in the Footbawl Blog Fantasy League. Roddy White might give me my second loss tonight.

Ben will be back next week for a your regularly scheduled Packer homerisms. I KNOW THAT’S WHAT YOU READ THIS FOR!!!