Three Rooms: Rating the Games for Week 5

Ben left a few weekends ago. He gave me the keys to the office, made me promise not to throw a party, and went off to hang out with some friends in a cabin. While he was surviving some horror movie plot, I drank my ass off and came up with a new game.

You see, the fake office that we always talk about has 3 TVs, and the game is deciding which TVs are best for which games this weekend.

The first one is 73 inches, HD, contrast ratio bigger than the sales price of the Cleveland Browns. It’s a beautiful machine, and it’s in a room with the most comfortable couch known to man. Also, beautiful women (I assume they are either Ben’s friends or mail-order brides) feed me grapes and my favorite beer. This room is called the Man Cave.

The second TV is in a room with plenty of sunlight, but the TV isn’t as big. It’s only 32 inches, and it’s one of the flat screens that first came out; the ones that are starting to get lines on the top and bottom. The beer there isn’t my favorite, but it’s something I can drink. This room is simply called the Room.

The third TV is 15 inches, black and white, barely gets a picture. The lights don’t turn on and there’s a slightly funky smell. It must have been Ben’s sitting room at some point. Proof of this is the fact that there is only Milwaukee’s Best in this room. This room is called the Dungeon.

You’d probably assume that the stinker games are in the 3^rd room and the great/interesting games are in the first room. WRONG! Completely the opposite. Because the way I see it, if a game is interesting and great enough, it doesn’t matter what conditions are surrounding me, I’m going to be interested. And with the stinker games, you better believe I’m going to need comfort and distraction. Because no matter how pretty the TV is, it means nothing if Ryan Tannehil’s face is on it.

Saying “his wife, on the other hand…” is an easy joke, but I’m going to bet you don’t care

So what I plan on doing every Friday is talk about my Sunday plans, what games I’m going to watch and what room I’m going to watch them in.

GAMES I’M WATCHING IN THE MAN CAVE THIS WEEKEND

Dolphins vs. Bengals – Listen, the only way I’m going to enjoy this game is if there are women and food around me. Reggie Bush is not a beautiful woman.

Browns vs. Giants – As I wrote earlier this week, the Browns are a mess. The Giants haven’t been in late-season-scramble form yet, but I’m sure this one won’t be worth watching.

Seahawks vs. Panthers – Russell Wilson and Cam Newton are electrifying players, and if it was 1 on 1 football between the two of them, I’d be super excited. Unfortunately, there are 21 men on each side who make the game much less appealing.

That’s the face I made too, Mark, when I found out one of my friends drafted you in fantasy.

Texans vs. Jets – I want to say this will be more bearable because, hey, people just like seeing the Jets lose. But if Sanchez struggles and the Texans roll, not even Tebow chants are going to liven things up, especially on Monday Night Football.

GAMES I’M WATCHING IN THE ROOM THIS WEEKEND

Packers vs. Colts – I’m a sucker for a present vs. future showdown, and years from now we might look back at this as a sort of passing of an era. But for now we’ll just see what interesting ways the refs will screw Green Bay this week.

Ravens vs. Chiefs – This game has the potential to be a man cave game – the Chiefs are pretty awful when they’re not playing the Saints. But if both defenses are rocking and offense is slow, it could come down to a last minute field goal, where Ravens fans will once again thank their lucky stars Billy Cundiff is wearing red across the way.

“It’s okay, buddy, you’ll get better one day.”
“You really think so?”
“Nope!”

Bears vs. Jacksonville – Same reason, and also because if all else fails, Gabbert and Cutler are my two favorite quarterbacks to root for throwing an interception. Gabbert because he sulks and Cutler because then Ben will inundate everyone’s news feed with CUUUUTLAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Titans vs. Vikings – The Titans are mediocre, but the Vikings are surprisingly adequate so far this year. This could be a fun game to watch if the running games are on point and Harvin gets some good returns.

Bills vs 49ers – Four years ago this would’ve been a stinker game, no question. But now, we can say Ryan Fitzpatrick and Alex Smith without laughing hysterically!

GAMES I’M WATCHING IN THE DUNGEON THIS WEEKEND

Eagles vs. Steelers – This might be more of a reputation game than anything; the Steelers aren’t as menacing as in years’ past, and the Eagles are the most overrated 3-1 team according to Ben. But what’s better than watching two of the worst human beings to throw pigskin duke it out to see who the biggest scum of the earth is? It’s like a board game mashup of Would You Rather and Cards Against Humanity. RAPIST VS. DOG MURDERER: FIGHT!

Redskins vs. Falcons – This is only here because the Falcons have to lose at some point, and it’s going to be really sweet if Robert Griffin is the guy to do it. Although honestly this should be in the Man Cave because watching Falcons games make me want to blind myself with sticks of RAM.

Broncos vs. Patriots – MANNING VERSUS BRADY AGAIN, said every columnist ever. Including this one. But hey, it’s exciting because in twenty years, you’re going to be able to talk to your grandkids about watching two of the best quarterbacks ever square off. Just make sure you leave out the fact that Willis McGahee was involved in that battle.

Let’s face it, the only record that really matters is consecutive days with a sweet ass flattop.

Chargers vs. Saints – Pretty much only important for the record. But homerism aside, any time a record lasts this long, and is then broken, it’s a big achievement. The Saints need a win here, and I hope they get one, but if nothing else at least we can watch Brees cement his Hall of Fame resume a little bit more. Plus I hope a Saints player punches Philip Rivers in the face. It’d bring up more stupid bounty talk, but boy would it be worth it.

Agree with my choices? What room would you watch each game in? Let us know in the comment section!