Wildcard Predictions (SPOILER ALERT BEN KNOWS WHO WILL WIN)

We’re fired up too, Ray!

Ah, the NFL postseason. Where when your favorite team is playing you are constantly on the verge of throwing up, shitting yourself, or high fiving anyone within arm’s reach at any given moment. Last postseason I predicted every single game on this blog, and really didn’t do all that well. But since Nate hates doing these, and it is the obligation of any football related blog to pretend to know what will happen in athletic contests that do not involve them…HERE WE GO!

Bengals at Texans

Before the season I placed a wager (with odds of course) that the Texans were going to make it to the Super Bowl. For a lot of the season I looked like a smart man, as Houston was racking up the best record in pro football. Then they started playing like the expansion Texans of 2002 and have lost three of their last four. If the NFL playoffs have taught us anything recently it is that they all about momentum. Don’t you just want to punch me in the dick for saying that cliché bullshit? Regardless, it is true. The last few games the Texans are not running the ball as effectively, and Matt Schaub has proven that when he can’t throw off of play action he is a middle of the road quarterback. The Bengals, on the other hand, have been playing for their playoff lives the entire second half of the season. Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis will control the clock better than you think, and the road team prevails.

Score: Bengals 24, Texans 16

Bonus Prediction: While their tight ends are real, the Texans finally reveal that all of their wide receivers other than Andre Johnson are just holograms.

Vikings at Packers

My objectivity here is in question, but not in the way you think. All four of the Packers playoff losses at Lambeau Field have occurred in my lifetime and all of them were hard to swallow in a different way. These losses, including a particularly baffling defeat to the Vikings almost a decade ago, have made me paranoid to the extent that I almost picked an inferior Minnesota team to win on the road here. But at the end of the day, I just can’t believe they are going to find a way to lose back to back games to the Vikings. Aaron Rodgers will have all his weapons back for the first time since week four, and although the cold is not preferable to the Packers style, I think it will make the Vikings even more one dimensional than usual. It’ll be close for most of this one, but I’ll be a homer.

Score: Vikings 16, Packers 28

Bonus Prediction: You will see and hear enough ice bowl references to last you the rest of your life.

Colts at Ravens

I’ve been hard on the Ravens all year, and I don’t think I’ve been unfair in doing so. Joe Flacco, with a few exceptions, has not been the “elite” quarterback he and his agent would have you believe. They switched offensive coordinators just a few weeks ago, something you don’t see playoff teams do so late in the season. Their defense, even before they sustained injuries to basically every key member of the unit, did not look the same. But good news, Ravens fans! This week a team I believe in even less is coming to town. Look, the Colts are a great story, maybe the best in the NFL this season…but they are here ahead of schedule. I’m not taking anything away from the Colts for beating inferior teams or having a weak schedule, but their best road win this season is probably the Lions. Also, the Colts are giving up a hair over 29 points a game away from Indy this season. I think much like Tebow’s loss to the Patriots in the divisional round last year, there will be a lot of drama in the pregame video packages, but not a lot in the game itself. My rookie of the year Andrew Luck will look like a…well, a rookie.

Score: Colts 17, Ravens 37

Bonus Prediction: Sensing his team needs something different than the usual pregame speech, Ray Lewis will just stand in the middle of the huddle doing his weird intro dance for ten straight minutes.

Seahawks at Redskins

If there’s two things in life I don’t trust, it is dudes rocking the suit/pony tail combination (I’ve watched a few movies in my day) and road playoff favorites. I think the Seahawks are playing as well as anyone in the league right now and on paper are a slightly better team, but this is a terrible matchup for their front seven. Unlike the Patriots and Packers (both teams Seattle has beaten this year) the Redskins aren’t going to be stressed about Seattle’s potent pass rushers, they are just going to keep them either off balance or off the field with their option scheme. Add that to the fact that, like Indy, this is not a very good road team. I’m making it sound like I think it will be a blowout, but that’s not the case. I think Seattle will play well, and Russell Wilson will remind us all once again that pro scouts suck ass. If the ‘Hawks drew anyone else in this first round it would be hard to pick against them, but in this battle of the rookie quarterbacks I’m going with RGIII in the best game of the weekend.

Score: Seahawks 20, Redskins 21.

Bonus Prediction: Pete Carroll starts Matt Flynn and later explains, “MWAHAHAHAHAHA BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT SHIT COMING! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Who do you think will win the wild card games? Let us know in the comments section. Or just stop by Monday morning to call Ben an idiot.