Happy Friday, haters!
Disastrous divisional round losses that make you want to hang yourself aside; NFL fans have to feel pumped for Sunday’s games. The season comes down to four of the best teams in the league, with a trip to the Super Bowl hanging in the balance. It’s going to be compelling television with several promising storylines taking center stage. Can Brady get to a sixth Super Bowl? How many bad coaching decisions can Mike Smith make in a single thirty second window? But if you aren’t familiar with this feature’s gimmick, we are about to shit all over your cheerios.
While the teams that are left are top notch, the same can’t be said for the announcers calling the games. They might not be the most unbearable on their respective networks (let’s all say a silent thank you for a Siragusa free Sunday – someone make that a hashtag) but it’s pretty bad. We here at the Footbawl Blog like to encourage intelligent hate, so below you will find a thoughtful and articulate list of reasons why you should actively dislike both announce crews.
Why you should hate Joe Buck/Troy Aikman…
-You know that moment at the beginning of the broadcast where they intro the game, and the second Troy Aikman starts talking Joe Buck lovingly stares at his neck? Yeah, hate them for that.
-Joe Buck hates baseball. This is America, Joe Buck. Fuck you.
-As a member of the Cowboys, Troy Aikman beat your favorite team when you were growing up. Every year. What a dick.
-“Fake media laugh” is a term coined on the SVP & Russillo show on ESPN radio, referring to when a member of the media laughs way too hard at something that is not funny. While Joe Buck rarely shows emotion, when he does it is laughing at Aikman’s shitty attempt at a joke and vice versa.
-Speaking of a lack of emotion, if Joe Buck was doing the play-by-play of an alien invasion in my home city I think it would put me to sleep.
-In the middle of a game that actually matters, I can’t tell you how interested I am in their random conversations about struggling NFC East big market teams. Please, talk more about that bullshit you fucking assholes.
Why you should hate Jim Nantz/Phil Simms…
-Jim Nantz seems to be slipping into dementia like an old man into a bath…at his neighbor’s house that he wandered into. It is happening far earlier than it did for Pat Summerall, who at least had the excuse of being a reckless drunk. Nantz brings the sober suck to your TV every week.
-At least when Sunday is over, you don’t have to hear a lot from Troy Aikman. But Phil Simms is on “Inside the NFL” on Showtime and has also been known to make news with his random halfwit analysis.
-They don’t know the fucking rules. On Thanksgiving when Lions head coach Jim Schwartz threw a challenge flag on a play that was being reviewed anyway, thus negating his right to a video review, it took Nantz/Simms about 12 minutes to figure out why it wasn’t being looked at again. Nantz wondered allowed, “maybe it’s just one of those plays that can’t be reviewed”. It was embarrassing. I’m not saying that rule was widely known or understood, but if a bullshit blogger like me knew instantly what was going on….why can’t announcers that are paid a shit ton of money bother to learn the rules of the game they cover?
-Jim Nantz is married to superlative clichés like, “As good as it gets”. Actually Jim, I think that was a fairly average longsnap on that punt. Shut up.
-They took over announcing duties on Madden 13, thus ousting the best play-by-play guy in sports…Gus Johnson! Jerks.
-It has been 5 years since one of them went longer than twenty minutes without mentioning Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.
While I used to defend Buck and Aikman a lot, my patience has grown thin with them over the years. Just the same, Nantz/Simms as a duo are far easier to dislike for me. Who do you hate more? Let us know in the comments section.