Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Atlanta Falcons

Where'd you get those jerseys? The "teams that suck store"? See what I did there?

Where’d you get those jerseys? The “teams that suck store”? See what I did there?

Forget that the Atlanta Falcons were one quarter away from going to the Super Bowl. Forget that they ran away with the NFC South Title. Forget that Matt Ryan had a great season, and the Falcons’ defense was stifling all year. Forget that this was as good a team as Atlanta has ever fielded.

Your favorite team is the Atlanta Falcons, and they fucking suck.

God that feels good to say.

This is going to be divided into two pieces. The first will be the logical one. If you want to skip to the emotional, angry drivel, just scroll til you see italics!

First, the logic.

This is a relief piece more than anything. I had been resigned to the fact that the Falcons would win, they would come to my city for the Super Bowl, and I would end up going to jail for shaving Roddy White’s head with a dull razor. Few San Francisco fans were happier than I was when Matt Ryan choked at the end worse than the patrons at an autoerotic asphyxiation conference.

But none of that matters, because the Atlanta Falcons are not going to win the Super Bowl. And that means they suck.

“But wait!” scream the indignant face-punching Falcons fans. “31 other teams won’t win the Super Bowl. Why are we the only ones who suck?” Well, you’re not. Obviously other teams performed worse this season. But the Falcons suck because they have used up all of their good will.

How many times have we been told that the Falcons were the best team in the NFC? That they were destined for the Super Bowl? It seems to have started as soon as Matt Ryan entered the league and Mike Smith took over the team. In 2010, the Falcons were the #1 seed and had to knock off the wild card Packers, who barely snuck into the postseason. Ben remembers what happened next. And then the next year, they only scored 2 points against another team who would go on to win the Super Bowl. After that, Matt Ryan (perhaps unfairly) got the reputation that he was only clutch in the regular season and not when it mattered.

But then, this year, they came out the gate hot, and all of that seemed to melt away. Sure, Ben and I were skeptical, but most of the country was convinced this would be the team to finally bring a Super Bowl to all those grubby fingered Atlanta fans. And we kept hearing about Matt Ryan’s icy veins, Dimitroff’s calculated gamble of getting Julio Jones (NEWSFLASH, NERDS: TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE BROWNS FRONT OFFICE IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE), and the wonderful sob story of Tony Gonzalez finally getting his dream Super Bowl ring.

But here’s the thing about the Falcons. They weren’t exactly the most dominant team in football all year long. They only beat three teams by more than two scores all year long (the Chiefs, the Chargers, and a Giants team that fielded an armless and eyeless Eli Manning). For reference, the 2010 Super Bowl Packers and the 2009 Super Bowl Saints won 5 games by more than two scores. The 2011 Super Bowl Giants also only had 3 games like this, but two were in the playoffs (and one was against the Falcons. TWO POINTS AHAHAHAHAHA!)

So the Falcons were mostly winning nailbiters. And the law of averages (plus every Bill Barnwell column) will tell you that in close games, some are just going to bounce your way, and some seasons they will ALL bounce your way. So the Falcons were bound to get lucky at some points this year, and more importantly they were bound to lose that luck eventually.

Riddle time: what does this moon have that the Falcons don't?

Riddle time: what does this moon have that the Falcons don’t?

Which is fine. It’s okay to be lucky. It’s okay to benefit from a call, or a missed opportunity on the other team. But by that same token, it’s also okay for me to call you lucky, to laugh at you when you eventually fail, and to think Frank Gore starting the Dirty Bird celebration is comedy on the level of Bigger and Blacker.

But enough of the logic and stats. I’ve been nice enough so far. I’ve been as professional as my title of snarky blogger allows me to be, and I’ve been deferential to the impressive season the Falcons have put forth. Now it’s time to speak for every Saints fan, and honestly every football fan. And I’ll do so in italicized letter format!

Dear Atlanta Falcons,

Go the fuck away.

We’re tired of looking at you. Tired of watching you. Tired of hearing people talk about your legitimacy. Because you’re not legitimate. You’re phonies. You’ve been phonies for years. And we keep giving you chance after chance to redeem yourself.

But you’re out of chances. You’re not a good team. You won’t be considered one until you raise the Lombardi Trophy. And even then, it’ll probably be because Jim Harbaugh, Aaron Rodgers, and Tom Brady all got sent into space to save the world from a giant meteor.

You’re totally unlikeable. Your coach is like Steve Martin if, instead of being an expert on comedy and funny hats, he was an expert on bug-eyed stares and horrible coaching decisions. Matt Ryan looks like a weasel that joined a fraternity. Roddy White probably kills orphans in his spare time. You’re the only team who could get rid of a dog-killer and STILL be disliked. Tony Gonzalez is probably the only person who is likeable on that entire team, and you couldn’t even get him a ring. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I don’t care if you start 5-0. 8-0. 10-0. I don’t care if you beat the Saints 97-3. I don’t care if Matt Ryan breaks every record known to man next year. You won’t be relevant unless you win it all. We’re done thinking about you. We’re done caring about you. We’re doing pretending you matter.

You suck, Atlanta Falcons. And you always will.

Signed,

Everyone who matters

That was fun. Now we can focus on the important teams, like the two teams facing in the Super Bowl. Hey, did you know that the two coaches are related? ISN’T THAT CRAZY?

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Your Favorite Team Sucks: The Atlanta Falcons

  1. sarwar

    One does not patronize an autoerotic asphyxiation conference, you would attend or participate. Outside of that, spot the fuck on. Fuck Atlanta as a city, a football team, a public transportation agency and a motherfucking crew.

  2. Geesh. Someone give Nate a hug, seriously.

    I mean, the commish reinstates his team’s coach today and you’d FIGURE he’d be happier. Now as the party crasher of this place, I feel obligated to be the moral voice of reason, rational thinking and everything that Ben & Nate lack when they’re basically homers with typing power. :P

    First, the Falcons do not “suck”. Teams that “suck”, don’t make the playoffs. The Browns suck. The Cards sucked after going 4-0 and realizing “oh shit, we’re not supposed to be doing this good!”. The Jags suck horribly and the Chiefs (the murder suicide of Jovan Belcher not withstanding cause that was seriously fucked up) Porn Star Suck. Takes a special kind of suck to be a Porn Star and that’s how horribly they suck. What the Falcons are at their core, is a team that reflects their QB. They’re a really good regular season team, that will find ways to shrink when it matters most. Or in short…the Down South Chargers. :o) Instead of just choking after a set point, up until this year, it was just after the point when it became “one and done”. Matt Ryan has two really good weapons on the outside in Jones and White that figure to give Nate nightmares for years to come. (Especially if his team doesn’t do uhm, anything to upgrade that Geebus awful secondary.) Their defense…eh. While it’s not as bad as most, it must improve if they hope to breakthrough. Cause as we saw this weekend and it’s pretty much been proven regardless of how gaudy the numbers…

    DEFENSE STILL WINS FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIPS.

    That’s why the Niners are gonna be around for a bit and why we’ll most likely see a reigniting of the Giants/Niners playoff feud that was so prevelant in the mid to late 80s into the early 90s. That’s why teams like the Pack and Saints will ALWAYS have a playoff ceiling they’ll keep smacking their head on until they improve on that side of the ball. For as simple as this is, you can score 40 points a game all you want. But if you’re giving up 43-49 like Green Bay did this season and New Orleans did a year ago…tell me how that playoff pizza tastes gents. :o) Cause there will be no Super Bowls in your futures as long as your beloved teams ignore the defensive side of the ball.

    Still, I get that Nate wrote this as an angry Saints fan who’s overjoyed that the Falcons finished the crash and burn job they started a week ago. And begrudgingly (or not really), I have to inform Nate that even with Payton back on the sidelines next year, I don’t know how far the Saints will go in the playoffs. Sure, they’ll probably return to form in that division and I think the South will be a MAJOR Pier Sixer with the Birds, Bucs and kinda funnily enough…the Hello Kitties (if Cam has his head on straight and they improve on their finish from this year). So yeah, it’s okay Nate. New Orleans will be back to their usual “score 40 points a game, but lose cause the opposing team isn’t stabbing themselves in the foot with turnovers & such” selves. :o)

    Sincerely,
    A Smiling Giants Fan (Elite Manning > Breesus & Aaron Rodgers)

    • You’re a smiling Giants fan? You must not have very high expectations for your team.

    • Hey, Everyone who matters wrote another letter! Let me read it.

      Dear Len,

      You know nothing about sports, you’re a constant annoyance, and you switch between being a Giants and Jets fan whenever it’s convenient, which makes your overblown opinions irrelevant. I don’t think any smart person has ever agreed with anything you have ever said. Please, like the Falcons, go away.

      Sincerely,
      Everyone who matters

    • Matt K

      OH MY FUCKING GOD STOP WRITING 800-WORD COMMENTS EVERY FUCKING POST!!

      Okay, now that we have that out of the way, let’s be clear about something: they are never, no matter how many of these you write, and no matter how many forced pop culture references you try to make, they are NEVER giving you a spot on the blogging team. You are not auditioning. You are not applying for some job. Your commentary, genius though you may seem to think it is, is stupid on a galactic level.

      Seriously.

  3. Artis

    The Giants are done, Len.. with that said, Matt Ryan is overrated, but I still see them dominating that division for the next few years unless something clicks for the Bucs at some point.

  4. 49ers rule…also the Giants and “Elite” Manning can sifb.

  5. Renner

    My only two disappointments of this article was that I was expecting at least thirty more usages of the word “fuck” in it and there weren’t enough comments about Matt Ryan’s haircut and/or dumb face and/or silly “Matty Ice” nickname.

    For shame, Nate! You’re not the (amateur unpaid) football blogger I (don’t) pay to read!

    – Renner
    My expert analysis on this article is still probably better than Len’s.