This week you’re going to see the Super Bowl covered from a variety of angles.
A plethora of so called “experts” will break down almost every facet of the game. If you want to read about how the Ravens defense is going to deal with the complexities of the zone read offense, take your page views somewhere else pal. No, today I’d like to ask the age old question…
Who would win in a fight between a raven and a 49er?
VS.
Note: this is not a handi-cap match, the donkey has to sit out
Am I talking about Ray Lewis vs. Patrick Willis? No, I’d like to discuss the bird vs. the 19th century prospector, because if this game is tied after six overtime periods that’s exactly how the NFL is going to settle it!* On the surface, it doesn’t seem like a fair fight. Randy Johnson once killed a bird with a baseball, and any prospector worth his salt has more dangerous weapons than that. Well, unlike you, I’m not lazy. I’m going to give this some actual thought.
(* = no)
Raven’s strengths
-Can psyche out most opponents by looking creepy in the moonlight.
-The power of flight which, the last time I checked, is pretty fucking awesome.
Raven’s weaknesses
-Inside of head is filled with stupid bird brain.
-Most ravens have a pathetic lack of competitive fighting experience.
49er’s strengths
-Usually just weird enough to punch a bird in the face.
-Can’t read, therefore immune to opponent’s frightening literary history.
49er’s weaknesses
-Would very likely waste valuable seconds at the beginning of the fight by yelling something about “tarnation”. Might have the wrong stereotype here, don’t really feel like looking it up.
-Frequently distracted by gold, and own impending starvation.
Fight “analysis”
It seems like an open and shut case, but don’t be so sure. Prospectors from this era had a slew of health problems, and in many cases have been awake for long stretches of time. Throw in the fact that all the raven really needs is one well-placed eye peck to turn the whole thing around, and you have a closer fight than some may realize. But at the end of the day, the ultimate advantage here goes to the 49er because even without the use of one of his eyes the bird will not be able to disarm him and over a long enough timeline the pick axe will eventually come into play.
Projected winner: The 49er
Our blog has really reached the height of its credibility today! Feel free to break down the fight yourself in the comments section.
Chris Dorsey
Nate Raby
Joseph Kyle Schmidt
Ben Van Iten
I agree in princple that the stats are equal, and tarnation is likely a mining word, if I recall. The X-Factors, for me, has to be the interest of the 49er and the intelligence level of the particular raven. Let’s say he is trying to fight the bird and he spots a vein of gold or some gold nuggets in a creek. He’s going to lose all sensibilities at that point and want to get the gold. Consequently, some ravens are very smart and form patterns, and may be able to actually outwit the land bound human. Since he isnt armed with a cannon like, well…arm, he cant rightly throw anything with enough accuracy to kill the bird. So that means they play the waiting game. I think in that situation, the miners short attention span coupled with the ravens love of mischief and patience plays into the birds favor. The raven could steal his gold right from his hand if sneaky enough (and may very well try given their love of shineys), and throw the miner into a wile e. coyote style rampage of revenge that could result in starvation due to fixation (an end Poe would find delightfully ironic), or maybe he would just try to blow the bird up with dynamite and fail horrible, ala the coyote. Either way, I think the Raven has a good fighting chance in this one.
Haha, god bless you sir.