Oh, hi there readers! Today isn’t a big deal; it’s just THE START OF THE MOTHER FUCKING FOOTBALL SEASON! So jump up and down, blow on a kazoo, huff some markers…however it is that you like to party.
Honestly tonight I could watch the Browns play the Jets and be pumped up about it, but we actually have a potentially awesome football game to watch. It is a rematch of what was arguably the best game of the season last year. The Ravens shocked the Broncos in the divisional round of the playoffs in over time, and eventually won the Super Bowl. Are we going to provide detailed analysis of who is going to win and why? No, that’s not our bag.
We’re going to help you get drunk. So here it is, without further delay…
THE OFFICIAL FOOTBAWL BLOG RAVENS VS. BRONCOS NFL KICKOFF DRINKING GAME!
Take one drink if…
-Cris Collinsworth says something to the effect of, “well I don’t know about that call” and has to watch on in awkward silence while the replay shows the referee got it correct.
-Joe Flacco’s contract is brought up.
-Wes Welker catches a 7 yard pass over the middle. I’M TRYING TO KILL YOU.
-Peyton Manning gives a young receiver a frustrated look at the end of a play, thus immediately absolving him of making a bad throw in the announcer’s eyes.
-We have to hear about Elvis Dumervil getting redemption, even though the Broncos tried to pay him a bunch of money and his agent fucked up.
Take two drinks if…
-Von Miller is pictured on the sidelines wearing unbearable hipster glasses. Again, I’m trying to kill you.
-Every time a replay of the Jacoby Jones catch or the Peyton Manning INT from the playoff game is shown. It’s going to be a long night.
-We are reminded that Ray Rice is short.
-Every time one of those stupid “together we make football” commercials comes on.
Take three drinks if…
-A Raven player tries his best nonsensical Ray Lewis speech before the game.
-In fact, just take three drinks every time the announcers pine over what Baltimore will do without the leadership of that disingenuous dick.
Finish your drink if…
-The game lives up to the hype. You can stagger to bed a happy football fan!