Spoiler Alert: I Know Who is Going to Win the Wildcard Games!

While my co-editor Nate hates doing predictions, I can’t get enough of taking credit for things I was right about and totally forgetting about things I was wrong about.

Here are some things that the risen Christ, or maybe it was a gypsy, (I always get those confused) appeared in a dream and told me would happen.

Alex Smith, pictured here, throwing one of his favorite check downs.

Alex Smith, pictured here, throwing one of his favorite check downs.

Chiefs at Colts

This is one of those games that, at first glance, seem obvious. Just a few weeks ago the Colts physically manhandled Kansas City in their own stadium, part of a less than impressive trend for the Chiefs. Since starting 9-0, Andy Reid and company finished the season just 2-5. The Colts on the other hand, despite stumbling a bit in the middle of the season, won their last three games.

All of that being said, I’m going with the Chiefs here. The Colts have tried to be a power running team this year with rather abysmal results, and I think the injury to Reggie Wayne months ago is going to hurt this team quite a bit at playoff time. Despite all the factors that should lead to an Indianapolis victory, they are capable of inexplicable losses and I think this is one of them. The Chiefs are going to do everything that the Colts would like to do (run the ball effectively, and work off of that with play action passes) and with that Kansas City pass rush this one could get ugly.

Score: Chiefs 34, Colts 16

Bonus Prediction: The opening chapter of Alex Smith’s future autobiography, “Four Yards at a Time: The Alex Smith Story” will be about this game.

Saints at Eagles

“The Saints aren’t good on the road” – every football analyst in the entire goddamn world.

Well, I hate to just tack on here but…yeah, they aren’t very good on the road. A few weeks ago after being absolutely dump trucked on Monday Night Football, Drew Brees angrily quoted some of the Saints’ stats on the road over the time he was together with Sean Payton. They sounded good, but that doesn’t have anything to do with right now.

The whole season I’ve been fighting this idea that New Orleans would simply crumple up and die every time they faced a tough road challenge, or even a mediocre road challenge, but I’ve been proved wrong at almost every turn. I mean, the fucking Jets?!? C’mon!

Enter one of the hottest teams in football. Chip Kelly’s offense is starting to click on all cylinders, and if they run for three hundred yards against New Orleans I won’t be surprised. Sorry Nate, I have a feeling that we’ll both be upset on Monday.

Score: Saints 20, Philadelphia 45.

Bonus Prediction: After watching Chip Kelly’s offense win a playoff game, old timey grumpy reporters everywhere will commit mass suicide.

Chargers at Bengals

The Bengals haven’t lost a home game all season, and the Chargers seem like the worst playoff team by a wide margin. This should be a laugher, but the Bengals have a unique way of inflicting pain on their own fanbase. Phillip Rivers has had an inspired season, and I think he’ll be as fired up to play as anyone on the field Sunday afternoon. That being said, I think the Bengals find a way to win a close one.

If the Bengals would have found a way to lock up a first round bye, I think we would be talking about them as a sneaky Super Bowl contender. But as it stands, I’m already preparing their eulogy for the drubbing they are going to take in Foxborough next week. The Bengals will take a baby step towards being a real contender, and by this rate they’ll win a Super Bowl in twelve years.

Score: Chargers 20, Bengals 23.

Bonus Prediction: Looking ahead to next week, Marvin Lewis accidentally opens his postgame press conference with, “Well, we played as hard as we could…but Tom Brady was just too much.”

Sorry buddy, you might not want to read this.

Sorry buddy, you might not want to read this.

49ers at Packers

Excuse me, but I’m still catching my breath after this shit.

The Green Bay Packers have no business being in the playoffs this year, much less hosting a game. They won eight games this season, and the rest of the NFC North let them get away with it. The return of Aaron Rodgers, and the terrifying weather have a lot of fans around these parts thinking that maybe we have a chance against the 49ers this time.

Sorry fellow cheeseheads, but even though I get tiny waves of optimism, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Yes, the Packers can run the ball better than they have in years and the cold weather will make that more important, but to quote Bane: “You merely adopted the dark, I was born in it.” The 49ers have been built to run the football, and to put it simply…when it matters, they are better at it. A wildcard team has a habit of crashing the Super Bowl, and San Fran might be that team.

Score: 49ers 30, Packers 21.

Bonus Prediction: In an attempt to stay warm Joe Buck and Troy Aikman will hug the entire game, slowly becoming one annoying blob.

What do you think will happen Wildcard Weekend? Let us know in the comments section!

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Spoiler Alert: I Know Who is Going to Win the Wildcard Games!

  1. Pingback: Monday Morning Jerkface: Wildcard Edition | thefootbawlblog

  2. JohnTitor0

    1/4 aw

    you probably felt like a boss during halftime of the Chiefs/Colts game

  3. wendy

    well you were wrong about the saints and the Chargers. so had to be a Gypsy