When the Green Bay Packers are eliminated from the playoffs it leaves me with a variety of emotions.
Originally there is shock and sadness, but eventually that fades into resentment and bitterness. Yes, eventually you’ll find me sitting around a campfire drinking moonshine and saying stuff like this:
This weekend the playoffs will resume the same way that a car might start again after it runs over your family. Hmm, this is a lot darker than I thought it would be. Anyway, here are five NFL personalities that will be making an appearance this weekend that I would like to take out my frustrations on and punch in the dick.
Golden Tate – WR, Seattle Seahawks
There is not a position in all of pro sports that is more infamous for its spoiled attitude and selfishness than wide receiver. But most of the wide receivers that garner attention for these traits are all-pros. And then there’s Golden Tate. On most NFL rosters he would be the third or fourth option, but because the Seahawks aren’t exactly stacked at wide out we have to see him doing this shit from time to time. Tate still hasn’t had a thousand yard receiving year, and with any luck a flesh eating virus will rot his hands off before he does!
Jim Nantz – Play by Play Announcer, CBS
“Hello friends, I just got punched in the dick by an irrelevant blogger!”
Yes, I could have put Phil Simms instead. Between the two, Simms is probably the more annoying. But the thing that infuriates me about Nantz is that his peers seem to suffer from the almost clinically insane delusion that he is the best at what he does. On Monday Night Football this year I heard Mike Tirico exclaim, “No one does it any better than Jim Nantz.” No Mike, you do! You do it better than Jim Nantz! When he tries to explain what is going on during a complex ruling Jim sounds like he had gotten drunk, passed out for a few hours, and woke up about ten seconds before he started talking. Just because we associate him with some of our favorite sporting events, (The Masters, the Final Four, NFL playoffs) doesn’t mean he is good at his job. It just means he is there.
Peyton Manning – QB, Denver Broncos
Look, we all like Peyton, but when you are that good at something you just need to get punched in the genitals from time to time…for humility’s sake. Of course before I could even connect with said punch he’d call an audible, slide the protection over, and yell “Rover rover!” a hundred times.
Jim Harbaugh – Head Coach, San Francisco 49ers
Since arriving in the bay area a few years ago, Jim Harbaugh has dramatically changed the 49ers’ culture. The impact he had on the team reminds me of the effect that an elite college coach has on a program. He understands the X’s and O’s, the development of quarterbacks, is never afraid to go with his gut, and players would die for him. He’s a great coach. I hate him. If the refs started getting more liberal with calling unsportsmanlike conduct penalties on coaches, the 49ers would have to consider keeping him in the booth for the entire season. Almost every single time a call doesn’t go his way he starts frothing at the mouth like some kind of backwoods rabies infested psychopath. His interactions with the media are either intentionally disinterested, or so smug I want to actually tackle my television. Would I love him to be the Packers’ coach? Absolutely!
Tony Siragusa – Annoying Sideline Reporter Guy, FOX
Let’s be honest, most sideline reporters don’t add a lot to the game. They tell you how serious an injury is (something that I’m sure could be handled by the other broadcasters) or ask pointless questions as a coach attempts to jog off the field: “Coach, coach, are you going to try to play better defense in the second half?” But hey, they’re usually pretty ladies and they don’t say anything too offensively stupid. It’s fine. But then there’s Tony Siragusa. Tony is not a pretty lady, but is in fact a big stupid fat guy who has no idea what the fuck he is talking about. And for some reason FOX decided to give him free reign to chime in for THE ENTIRE BROADCAST. Whether it be the three times a game where he says something vague about what happens at the bottom of a fumble pile, or his wisdom about the best place to eat chicken wings in a city you’re not in, you’ll be putting a screwdriver in your ears by the middle of the first quarter!
Who would you like to sucker punch in the balls? Let us know in the comments section!