Monday Morning Jerkface: Super Bowl Edition

The football season is over.

I repeat, the football season is over.

But you aren’t letting that get you down. You’re barreling down the street in your brand new Ford Fusion, your fingers stained with Dorito dust. You’re high on Pepsi (obviously not Coca Cola, what are you…a communist?) and everything is going to be alright. You laugh madly, before shouting “ADVERTISING IS EFFECTIVE!” at a group of people waiting at a bus stop.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Things got considerably less exciting after this.

Things got considerably less exciting after this.

That was not the Super Bowl of Super Bowls

As I stated on the blog on more than one occasion this last week, this was as excited as I’ve been about a Super Bowl where I had no rooting interest maybe ever. But it certainly did not live up to the hype, unless you’re an old timey cliché dickhead, because as you are certainly reminding everyone today…defense still wins championships.

If you would have told me before the kickoff that Peyton Manning was going to set a Super Bowl completions record, I would have been concerned about the Seahawks chances of winning. However, if you would have told me that all of those passes were going to be for under three yards then I would have felt better about it again.

The Broncos short and intermediate passing game has confused teams all year long, but with the defensive backs they were up against on Super Bowl Sunday they desperately needed to stretch the field and were unable to do so. While Peyton didn’t play nearly as bad as the score indicated, he still missed a few open receivers deep that vastly changed the complexion of the game. On several occasions his passes resembled the ducks that Richard Sherman had been talking about earlier in the week.

It is impossible for this to not turn into a referendum on Manning’s legacy, but I think it’s important to remember that his failures yesterday had more to do with his physical short comings than they did his intangibles. The moment wasn’t too big for Peyton, he just didn’t have the mobility to escape the rush nor the arm strength to hurt the Seahawks in the places they were the most vulnerable. But Peyton didn’t snap the ball over his own head, and he didn’t miss blocking assignments. He didn’t commit a tripping penalty that changed the very course of the game. He didn’t miss countless tackles on special teams and in the secondary. He didn’t make Jermaine Kearse look like Jerry Rice.

It was one of the more dominant team victories, and complete team meltdowns, in Super Bowl history. And it doesn’t change the fact that when Peyton Manning retires he will be one of the very best to ever play.

Definitely the Most Valuable Play of the game.

Definitely the Most Valuable Play of the game. (Photo credit: cbssports.com)

Who had Malcom Smith in the MVP pool?

I got good news and better news for Malcolm Smith.

The good news is he won the Super Bowl MVP, and the better news is that because of said MVP trophy a certain franchise (cough cough Raiders) is destined to over value him one day and pay him an absurd amount of money. Congrats, Malcolm!

As the game drew to a close, the topic of the MVP was as up in the air as it had been in years. You knew that deep down Roger Goodell wanted it to be a quarterback, he wanted it with every fiber of his being. Russell Wilson is a mild mannered young man who never ever terrifies white reporters, and he seems like the kind of guy that might really enjoy Disney World. It would have been perfect! But alas, he simply had not done enough. Percy Harvin and Cliff Avril were probably each another big play away from potentially taking the trophy for themselves.

But in the end, I love the Malcolm Smith selection. The Broncos turn that drive into a touchdown, we’re most likely looking at a 15-7 game at the break and after all of Seattle’s first half dominance things would have felt quite precarious. Instead it was 22-0 and the game already felt out of reach.

Random Jerkiness

-Every Super Bowl party needs drunk Joe Namath. He might as well just written, “FUCK YOU PETA” in seal blood on the back of that coat.

-Despite not winning the MVP, Russell Wilson did exactly what he needed to do: he converted third downs. Over and over.

-Two consecutive years of the Broncos being the number one seed, dominating the regular season, and coming up short. Next year if the Broncos go 16-0 and average 73 points a game no one is going to give them a shot to win the Super Bowl.

-Scarlett Johansson’s Super Bowl commercial showed such a lack of awareness: when she claims that she knows how to make the ad go viral and takes off her jacket, it’s like she thinks we’re still in the 1920’s and no one has ever seen a woman’s shoulder before. With our pervy ADHD culture she’s going to have to do that ad topless while fist fighting a monkey to make it go viral. Okay, so maybe just the first thing.

-The Bob Dylan Chrysler ad made me feel all sorts of uncomfortable: “Let the poor Asian children make your fancy phones”.

-Warren Sapp came face to face with Michael Strahan on Saturday night and apologized, thus ending the most mind numbing storyline of Super Bowl week.

-Of course a buttload of Twitter users agreed that being too loud in an interview a few weeks earlier means you deserve to suffer a horrific injury. People are the worst thing on earth everyone.

-So here’s what might be an insane overreaction: watching Percy Harvin play so well yesterday made me realize that this Seahawks team might have potentially gone 16-0 with him. He is that much of a difference maker for their offense and special teams.

Well, that’s a wrap folks. Your next MMJ is a little over 7 months away. If you want to start hitting the refresh button now I understand. But before I go, I leave you with the defining image of Super Bowl 48.

"OH FUCK ME!"

“OH FUCK ME!”

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Monday Morning Jerkface: Super Bowl Edition

  1. Len Cosell

    Offense wins in the regular season, DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS.

    Wanna know why for all the numbers Aaron and Breesus put up, they only have a ring a piece while Eli has two? No defense. Defense travels well. Defense almost ALWAYS snuffs out a hugh powered offense with two weeks of prep time.

    • I hate this argument. How is it Brees or Rodgers’ fault they don’t have a defense? If anything, it proves that Eli isn’t anywhere near their class. He had to win his on the backs of others.