2013 Team Retrospective: The Washington Redskins

Last year, the Washington Redskins were the hip, surprise story of the NFL. With an exciting offense led by Rookie of the Year Robert Griffin the III, the Skins went on an incredible winning streak to win the division.

Then they faced the Seattle Seahawks in the playoffs, and Mike Shanahan revealed the real surprise: “Surprise! I’m a terrible coach!”

From that moment on, the Redskins have been nothing short of a disaster, both on the field and from a public relations standpoint. From Griffin’s injury, return-hype, and poor play, to their disgustingly poor defense, to the realization that Shanahan has a disease that prevents him from ever accepting any amount of blame, this year was awful for Redskin fans, and great for people who don’t care about football but want the name changed.

This is the 2013 Washington Less Offensive Nickname Retrospective.

Most of their logos face the right, but I figured this was symbolic of their progress this year

Most of their logos face the right, but I figured this was symbolic of their progress this year

Team Highlight

Well it has to be one of their three wins, doesn’t it? Specifically, the Redskins beat the Chargers in overtime in Week 9, 30-24. It wasn’t a particularly impressive win, but it was a gutsy win that happened because the defense forced turnovers. And at 3-5, the win put the Redskins in familiar territory from last year: a chance to go on a winning streak for the rest of the season to win the division.

Spoiler alert: that didn’t happen. They actually didn’t win another game for the rest of the season. But hey, it was still a streak, right?

Team Lowlight

In week 14, the Redskins faced the Chiefs to see who had the least offensive Native American nickname. Obviously the Chiefs won, and they did so in humiliating fashion. The Redskins had 65 yards on the ground, their lowest total of the year, and they only scored 10 points while allowing 45. This was the fifth straight loss for the Redskins, who would lose their final three. It was also Griffin the 1/3’s last game as the starter, as they shut him down for the season to allow Kirk Cousins to build his trade stock (which he kind of sort of did).

Team MVP

While he dropped off from his amazing 1600 yard season, Alfred Morris still racked up 1275 yards rushing on 4.6 yards a carry. Even without the read option being as effective as it was last year, Morris still carried the team on the ground, although Shanahan reportedly kept going with other options at the goal line because “Fuck fantasy football.” If the team is going to get back to success, Morris is going to have to continue to pound the rock. That means Jay Gruden needs to not listen to Griffin the ThIIIrd when he tells him he can run all around the field again.

Alfred posing with teammate London Fletcher

Alfred posing with teammate London Fletcher

What a Drunken Redskins Fan Yelled At the TV This Season

“OUR QUARTERBACK IS INJURED. OUR COACH IS A TERRIBLE ASSHOLE. D’ANGELO HALL SOMEHOW WAS ONE OF OUR BETTER PLAYERS. AND CHRIS COOLEY WON’T STOP TALKING. AND YOU WANT US TO BE PATIENT? MORE LIKE OPERATION CLEAN FUCKING HOUSE.”

Forced Pop Culture Comparison

The Washington Redskins are Jenny from Forrest Gump, and their fans are Forrest. For years, they’ve had to deal with constant disappointment and neglect, when all they want is to be rewarded for their undying love and devotion. And then, once, finally, there is a shimmer of hope and the Redskins look like they’re going to give the fans what they want after all this time. But instead, it was just a tease, and now the fans have AIDs and a kid that’s smarter than them. Wow, this one sure broke down at the end!

Dan Snyder tries to connect with the fans in really interesting ways

Dan Snyder tries to connect with the fans in really interesting ways

Needs

Well they got a new offensive mind, which is good. They kept their defensive coordinator, which was stupid. So now they need to beef up the defense and hope Griffin can excel in whatever scheme Gruden maps out (plenty of Spider 2 Y Bananas, I’m sure, per his brother’s instructions). If Griffin comes back healthy, there should be no reason the offense can’t perform better. So the real problem is finding a good cornerback and a linebacker to anchor the defense. Aqib Talib would be a great pickup. The good news is the Skins have plenty of money to throw around, so they might be able to get a big splash. They could always get an impact player with their high pick in the draft OH WAIT NO THEY CAN’T BECAUSE THE RAMS HAVE THAT PICK NOW. Good work, guys.

An Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2014

I really don’t think it will be as bad as it was. I’m not completely off the RG3 bandwagon yet. If they can get their offense working again, they might have a chance in a really, really weak NFC East. I’ll be generous and give them 6-10 with a chance at 7-9.

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