2013 Team Retrospective: The St. Louis Rams

"Have you guys seen our division? HAVE YOU SEEN OUR FUCKING DIVISION!?!" (photo credit: www.sportingnews.com)

“Have you guys seen our division? HAVE YOU SEEN OUR FUCKING DIVISION!?!” (photo credit: http://www.sportingnews.com)

It’s officially baseball season. Yesterday hit 70 degrees in my neck of the woods, and here I am writing about the Rams…from last year. I suppose there have been worse punishments in human history, but I can’t think of them right now.

I’m not here just to crap on St. Louis, however. The Rams seem to be in the unfortunate position of being in the wrong division and the wrong conference at exactly the wrong time. They were wedged beneath the two best teams in football as well as the surprising 10-win Cardinals, and still managed a 7-9 record as well as finishing the season with a winning home record.

Things could have been far, far worse, considering. I mean, not worse than finishing last, but. Having lost QB Sam Bradford less than halfway through the year, the Rams had to deal with Kellen Clemens under center and no receiving corps. The defense was consistent but the schedule just a little too brutal to yield any sort of success for St. Louis, who have now failed to reach the playoffs every year since the start of the Spanish-American War, or 2004, whichever came first.

This is the Rams retrospective, so please put your catcher’s mitt away for five minutes while you read. Thank you.

Team Highlight

Disarming the Seahawks on Monday night, week eight, much to the chagrin of over-zealous gamblers everywhere. They didn’t win, but they didn’t look like chumps, either. The home crowd was jacked and the defense stout against the future Super Bowl victors, yet there was just a tad too-little offense to pull off the victory. But like I said, they ruined it for people betting against them in what was expected to be an embarrassment of a game in front of a national audience, so that’s sort of cool I guess.

Hey pal, stop rolling your eyes. YOU find an incredible highlight from this team from last year…then email it to me and I’ll gladly post-edit this section.

"Okay, don't fumble don't fumble don't fumble...DAMNIT!" (photo credit: The Associated Press)

“Okay, don’t fumble don’t fumble don’t fumble…DAMNIT!” (photo credit: The Associated Press)

Team Lowlight

The following week, once again playing in the friendly confines of the Edward Jones Dome, yet unable to out-duel the lukewarm Tennessee Titans. Chris Johnson trotted out his first 100-yard rushing game of the year, and the Rams had a chance to win, but Kellen Clemens fumbled with less than four minutes to go and then couldn’t generate a final drive at the end.

Hey pal, stop rolling your eyes. YOU find an incredible lowlight from this team from last year…then email it to me and I’ll gladly stop re-using this line.

Team MVP

Defensive end Robert Quinn had himself a monster of a season, tallying 19 sacks and forcing seven fumbles. But since the Rams’ season was kind of a bummer, I’ll add that he missed the league sack title by 0.5 sacks and thus the newly-minted Deacon Jones Award. See? Bummer.

One day he will show this picture to his kids and say, "There used to be this thing called the NFL. And I would wear this for some reason." (photo credit: www.ramsherd.com)

One day he will show this picture to his kids and say, “There used to be this thing called the NFL. And I would wear this for some reason.” (photo credit: http://www.ramsherd.com)

What was a Drunk Rams Fan Yelling at Their TV Last Year?

“OH CRAP, THERE GOES BRADFORD AND THERE GOES THE SEASON. WAITAMINUTE, WHY ARE WE WINNING SUDDENLY? SCREW BRADFORD! JUST KIDDING, WE WANT BRADFORD BACK. PLEASE. HELP.”

Forced Pop Culture Reference

The Rams are Vanilla Ice. You feel kind of bad for the guy. He had his 15 minutes, but lost all his wealth and has been a punch-line ever since. He made a hard rock album and the tour was cancelled because for some reason nobody wanted to watch Ice perform live rap metal.

But he doesn’t seem like such a terrible guy in real life, so you don’t root against him, you just can’t help but laugh when he shows up on random D-list celebrity reality TV shows.

Needs

This is a pop-quiz follow-up a-la the Colts. Quick! Name a St. Louis receiver…EHHHHH! I’m sorry, Kiki Vandeweghe was actually a pro basketball player from the eighties, and has never appeared in a Rams uniform.

In truth, St. Louis could use help just about everywhere. They do own two top-15 picks in the upcoming draft, though, so it will be interesting to see which holes they choose to fill.

Entirely Too-Early Prediction for 2014

Not a very pretty outlook. The Rams will be basement dwellers unless there’s a ridiculous swing in momentum in the NFC West, as in a headline that reads: “Seahawks’ Wilson, Niners’ Kaepernick, Both Teams’ Defensive Rosters Tied to Child Slavery Ring”

 Editor’s note: Joe is up next with the Cardinals!

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1 Comment

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One response to “2013 Team Retrospective: The St. Louis Rams

  1. The Seahawks have an easy schedule coinmg up, so the Rams need them to lose whenever they can. The 49ers being the better team is arguable, they stink. If they are better, it’s not by much. Plus, they’re 2 games back, that’s plenty of breathing room when there are only 4 games left.Also, you need to face the fact that if Seattle wins, they’ll probably have the top spot in the division (for a week at least), since the Rams will likely lose to the Saints. But the Rams can come back, I think they have a pretty easy schedule after the Saints.