Author Archives: Chris Dorsey

About Chris Dorsey

Chris writes slightly better than he plays football, but slightly worse than he performs slam poetry. He used to live in Wisconsin but now lives in Colorado where there is more skyline.

2013 Team Retrospective: The St. Louis Rams

"Have you guys seen our division? HAVE YOU SEEN OUR FUCKING DIVISION!?!" (photo credit:

“Have you guys seen our division? HAVE YOU SEEN OUR FUCKING DIVISION!?!” (photo credit:

It’s officially baseball season. Yesterday hit 70 degrees in my neck of the woods, and here I am writing about the Rams…from last year. I suppose there have been worse punishments in human history, but I can’t think of them right now.

I’m not here just to crap on St. Louis, however. The Rams seem to be in the unfortunate position of being in the wrong division and the wrong conference at exactly the wrong time. They were wedged beneath the two best teams in football as well as the surprising 10-win Cardinals, and still managed a 7-9 record as well as finishing the season with a winning home record.

Things could have been far, far worse, considering. I mean, not worse than finishing last, but. Having lost QB Sam Bradford less than halfway through the year, the Rams had to deal with Kellen Clemens under center and no receiving corps. The defense was consistent but the schedule just a little too brutal to yield any sort of success for St. Louis, who have now failed to reach the playoffs every year since the start of the Spanish-American War, or 2004, whichever came first.

This is the Rams retrospective, so please put your catcher’s mitt away for five minutes while you read. Thank you. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Denver Broncos

Yuck it up, horseface.

Yuck it up, horseface.

I hate the term bittersweet because it should be reserved solely for poetry about unicorns and paperback novels with shirtless Ben Van Iten-looking gods on the cover. For sports exclusively, I would like to coin the term “shittycool” instead.

It was certainly cool that the Broncos made a record-smashing run through the regular season, and cool that Peyton Manning answered all questions regarding his ability to play as a withered old man coming off neck surgery. But then, it was also supremely shitty that what was looking like the definition of a dream season for the franchise came to a skull-crushing halt in one of the most lopsided Super Bowl losses in history.

The very, very thin silver lining of the defeat was that the game was already (mercifully) over before halftime and frankly, the Seahawks looked so goddamned good in every aspect, no one team would have beat them that day.

So this right here is your Denver Broncos shittycool retrospective. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Indianapolis Colts

The (butt ugly) face of the franchise.

The (butt ugly) face of the franchise.

Indy messed with my weekly pick-ems last year on a number of occasions. Every time a tough match-up arrived, I thought “Nope,” and circled the other team. And then the overmatched Colts would go and win those games, and I could never figure out why or how.

They ran the table in division play, which could be chalked up to participating in the most pathetic division in all of football. Fair enough, but then there were the inexplicable wins: at San Fran, vs. Seattle and Denver, and at Kansas City—that’s three-fourths of the Conference Championships if you’re counting.

Andrew Luck was their obvious catalyst, mostly because the Colts didn’t have anything else. There was a mediocre running game that wasn’t improved a bit by the arrival of Trent Richardson, and a rotten offensive line that (rightly) shoulders most of that blame. One solid wideout in T.Y. Hilton, then quick: name two other receivers on the team! I couldn’t, and I’m writing this shit.

The Colts appeared good, but never great in 2013. Cobbling together wins, that impressive as they were, gave way to some baffling losses. Today I play a mildly-bemused, slightly-impressed, somewhat-skeptical, semi-inebriated football writer. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Detroit Lions

I don’t often feel bad for division rivals. Not for the players anyway, what with their fancy cars and their top hats and prostitutes-on-call. But I do have sympathy for the modern Detroit Lions fan.

Few teams in the league have what the Lions have from a personnel standpoint, yet there are also few teams with such imbeciles in charge of managing these players. Adding Reggie Bush to the mix gave them a new dual-threat at running back, but that didn’t exactly fix their overall inconsistencies.

This looked like it was going to be the year for the Lions once Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler went down for extended periods. Like fate was finally turning in their favor. So how did the team take advantage of that good fortune? By rallying the troops and heroically losing the last four games of the season.

Nine wins would have sealed the deal in the NFC North. But that was asking too much of the Blue Kittycats, apparently. Insert Jim Schwartz’ retarded smirk here.

Nobody that smiles like that should be able to coach anything.

Nobody that smiles like that should be allowed to coach anything.

Now look away! Dear god, Look away! We are about to seriously discuss the Lions. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Pittsburgh Steelers

Introducing your 2013 rapey bumble bees!

Introducing your 2013 rapey bumble bees!

An 0-4 start? A no-huddle offense? A second straight 8-8 year? Who are these guys?

Early on, the Steelers’ 2013 looked uncharacteristically destined to be a total nightmare. Veteran center Maurkice Pouncey’s knee imploded something like five minutes into the season, and the team came out of those first four games in worse shape than they’d been in 40-plus years. Yet somehow on the final Sunday of the regular season, there they were, still fighting for an actual playoff spot. Seems like you can get away with anything in the AFC lately.

Pittsburgh was a far different .500 team than Jerry Jones’ merry band of idiots I covered last week. While being on the verge of irrelevance isn’t normally a phrase found in the team’s vocabulary, their season didn’t end on a terrible note, as they finished 6-2 in the second half and had a lot of young players step up.

I really hate upsides and optimism when it comes to sports, but oh man, we’re going to have to deal with some of that bullshit here.

This is the Pittsburgh Steelers’ team retrospective. Continue reading

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