I don’t often feel bad for division rivals. Not for the players anyway, what with their fancy cars and their top hats and prostitutes-on-call. But I do have sympathy for the modern Detroit Lions fan.
Few teams in the league have what the Lions have from a personnel standpoint, yet there are also few teams with such imbeciles in charge of managing these players. Adding Reggie Bush to the mix gave them a new dual-threat at running back, but that didn’t exactly fix their overall inconsistencies.
This looked like it was going to be the year for the Lions once Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler went down for extended periods. Like fate was finally turning in their favor. So how did the team take advantage of that good fortune? By rallying the troops and heroically losing the last four games of the season.
Nine wins would have sealed the deal in the NFC North. But that was asking too much of the Blue Kittycats, apparently. Insert Jim Schwartz’ retarded smirk here.
Nobody that smiles like that should be allowed to coach anything.
Now look away! Dear god, Look away! We are about to seriously discuss the Lions. Continue reading
Introducing your 2013 rapey bumble bees!
An 0-4 start? A no-huddle offense? A second straight 8-8 year? Who are these guys?
Early on, the Steelers’ 2013 looked uncharacteristically destined to be a total nightmare. Veteran center Maurkice Pouncey’s knee imploded something like five minutes into the season, and the team came out of those first four games in worse shape than they’d been in 40-plus years. Yet somehow on the final Sunday of the regular season, there they were, still fighting for an actual playoff spot. Seems like you can get away with anything in the AFC lately.
Pittsburgh was a far different .500 team than Jerry Jones’ merry band of idiots I covered last week. While being on the verge of irrelevance isn’t normally a phrase found in the team’s vocabulary, their season didn’t end on a terrible note, as they finished 6-2 in the second half and had a lot of young players step up.
I really hate upsides and optimism when it comes to sports, but oh man, we’re going to have to deal with some of that bullshit here.
This is the Pittsburgh Steelers’ team retrospective. Continue reading
“Do I have to read this?” (photo credit: Deadspin)
Imagine you are a Cowboys fan (likely, since you’re reading this) and I told you that in 2013 your team would finish division play with a 5-1 record. That your offense would put up a beefy 27.4 points per game—fifth best in the league. That you’d have a winning record in what would prove to be the far superior of the two conferences. That your workhorse running back would average over five yards a carry for the season, and stay healthy. That your franchise quarterback would once again play at a high level.
Ooh, that might sound like a winning formula!
But alas, it’s the modern-day Cowboys. And Jerry Jones is still the dipshit in charge. So all of that somehow led to a lame, third straight 8-8 season and again, no playoff appearance. Oh, and aside from the Eagles in week 8, America’s Team (ho ho) didn’t net a single win against an opponent that finished 2013 with a winning record.
Insert a four-month long sad trombone sound right here. Sorry folks, but there’s no choice but to reminisce as sarcastically as possible. This is the 2013 Dallas Cowboys retrospective. Continue reading
Here’s a fact: watching a quality pro football game is a much more enjoyable experience when you aren’t invested in its outcome to a nearly insane degree.
Chris’ next door neighbor
That means I had a blast watching the Broncos/Chargers matchup last Sunday. Adding to my enjoyment was the somewhat sick pleasure of knowing that my Coloradan neighbors, co-workers, and friends were in full-on pant-crapping mode as the Chargers slithered back into the game in the fourth quarter. Continue reading
It’s a good thing he looks so awesome in street clothes!
I felt like Veronica Corningstone entering the news director’s office, demanding a real story to cover, only to be told by a mysoginystic boss (played here by Ben Van Iten) that I’d be covering a cat fashion show. I informed Ben that this was “grade-A baloney” and he just cackled and threw an empty bottle of Jim Beam at me.
Moving forward, in case you haven’t heard, 49ers running back Brandon Jacobs has been benched for the remainder of the season, much to the non-detriment of his team. Continue reading