At the beginning of the 2013 football season, the world had decided the Seattle Seahawks were the best team in football.
They sat atop preseason rankings. Their tough and physical defense was praised. Their offseason acquisition Percy Harvin was lauded as the move of the year. And most people pretty much suspected they’d go to the Super Bowl.
Except two snarky ass dudes who write a blog, of course.
Ben and I never bought into the hype. We thought they benefitted from a great home field, and that they would struggle on neutral site in the playoffs.
As it turned out, they only had to play one game on a neutral field, and they ended up smashing the Broncos 43-8 in The Super Bowl.
As it also turned out, Ben and I were morons.
This is the Seattle Superbowlhawks retrospective. Continue reading
For a weird, confusing, and somewhat sexually charged time, the Kansas City Chiefs were the best team in football.
It seemed nearly impossible, given their 2-14 record a year ago, but the Chiefs’ dominating defense and “get it done juuuuuust enough” offense propelled them to 9 straight wins out the gate. Jamaal Charles was beasting, Justin Houston was a force to be reckoned with, and Andy Reid looked really, really great in red (hence the sexually charged thing).
But after an impeccable first half of the season, things stopped going the Chiefs’ way. They were swept by the Broncos and the Chargers (thank God for the Raiders, amirite?) They lost in overtime to the Chargers in Week 17. And then the playoffs. God, THE PLAYOFFS. I’ll stop here, because I don’t want to spoil the Team Lowlight section. You’ll never guess!
The season ended early for the Chiefs, but there was enough optimism that none of the Arrowhead faithful jumped off the stadium yet. But there’s still time.
This is the Chiefs retrospective. Continue reading
With the tire fire that was the 2012 Saints season, 2013 was a time of optimism. The boys were back in town! The boys I’m referring to, of course, are Sean Payton and the defensive players suspended for their role in BOUNTYGATE, a terrible scandal and the name of the latest posthumous L. Ron Hubbard novel. 2013 was supposed to be the year the Saints would ride in, fuck the league senseless, and give a big middle finger to Roger Goodell.
And for the first half of the season, that’s exactly what happened. The second half, though…
It wasn’t exactly bad, but the Saints clearly looked worse to close out the season. After starting out 9-2, they finished 2-3, lost their hold of the NFC South, and were forced to go on the road in the playoffs. And even though the Saints made history and won their first franchise playoff road game, it’s still kind of sad it took them THIS LONG to do it.
Oh, and Seattle also made them their bitch. But I guess that’s a common theme for a lot of teams. In any case, it was a good season, but for the Lombardi-hungry Who Dat Nation, it was a bitter and too-soon end. For the fifth year in a row, Saints fans did not Stand Up and Get Crunk, but instead sat down and drowned their sorrows in cheap daiquiris.
This is the New Orleans Saints retrospective. Continue reading
I work with a friend who’s a Jaguars fan (insert “THEY HAVE FANS?!” joke here). He’s a casual fan, and because he lives in Louisiana he doesn’t get to see them on TV much. So every Monday this year, I updated him on the latest Jaguars failure or success. This process caused two things: it made me like this scrappy, overmatched team, and it made my Jaguars fan friend unsurprised by literally anything I told him about his team.
One week I’d tell him the Jaguars got crushed by the 49ers 42-10, and he’d sigh and say “Well, yeah, I expected that.” Then I’d tell him the Jaguars finally got their first win, and he’s say “Well, they weren’t going 0-16” (my friend doesn’t work for ESPN, clearly). And then I’d say the Jags won three in a row, and scored on a wide receiver throwing a touchdown, and he’d laugh, “Of course, now that we want the top draft pick.” I could’ve told him that during the finale, Maurice Jones Drew was raptured and sent to the heavens and Chad Henne gave birth to a fawn on the sidelines, and he would’ve said, “It’s all right, we weren’t going to retain him in free agency anyway.” His soul had been beaten so much from being a Jaguars fan that cheering and booing melted away to a calm, emotionless acceptance of any situation.
This is what the Jacksonville Jaguars have done to their fanbase. And this is their 2013 retrospective.
No lie, though, this is my favorite NFL mascot
JIMMY WANTS ALL THE ICE CREAM (credit: Leon Perniciaro)
“Who wants ice cream?”
It’s the annual ice cream bash at the New Orleans Saints headquarters. The football players are gathered around a table. Behind that table sits Mickey Loomis and Sean Payton. They guard a large bucket that is filled with ice cream.
Loomis: Okay guys, you know the drill. Everyone gets ice cream. You earned how much ice cream you get from your play on the field. We only have so much ice cream to go around, so I hope you understand and respect the hard work I put into making sure everyone gets ice cream.
He begins to scoop ice cream into each player’s bowl. Drew Brees gets 18.5 million scoops. Jimmy Graham looks around in concern.
Graham: Where are Roman, Will, Jabari and Jonathan?
Loomis shakes his head sadly.
Loomis: Unfortunately there wasn’t enough ice cream for them.