JIMMY WANTS ALL THE ICE CREAM
“Who wants ice cream?”
It’s the annual ice cream bash at the New Orleans Saints headquarters. The football players are gathered around a table. Behind that table sits Mickey Loomis and Sean Payton. They guard a large bucket that is filled with ice cream.
Loomis: Okay guys, you know the drill. Everyone gets ice cream. You earned how much ice cream you get from your play on the field. We only have so much ice cream to go around, so I hope you understand and respect the hard work I put into making sure everyone gets ice cream.
He begins to scoop ice cream into each player’s bowl. Drew Brees gets 18.5 million scoops. Jimmy Graham looks around in concern.
Graham: Where are Roman, Will, Jabari and Jonathan?
Loomis shakes his head sadly.
Loomis: Unfortunately there wasn’t enough ice cream for them.
This year felt like it was going to be different.
The Chicago Bears rolled into the season with three straight wins, averaging 30 points a game. Jay Cutler three five touchdowns and was only sacked once a game. The offense looked like it had finally learned how to complement the dynamic defense opponents had known for decades. The Bears were ready for contention again, seemingly on the merits of new coach and quarterback wizard Marc Trestman.
But soon after it was clear that Trestman wasn’t the key to their great offense. It turned out they got their offense in a deal with the devil, and in return they had to sacrifice something.
Oh, about that dynamic defense.
The Bears were one of the worst teams in the league defensively, and they were never able to give their team a fighting chance in the division. They never held a single opponent under 20 points. Even in a weakened division, injuries to Cutler and that defense kept them from winning the division. Well, that and Jay Cutler’s stupid face, but you already knew that.
Strap yourselves in and don’t forget your rain boots: this is the Chicago Bears retrospective. Continue reading
The Bills make us chuckle. The Raiders make us giggle. The Jaguars make us snigger, and the Titans make us go, “Who?” (Seriously, I never remember the Titans). But if you want the big laugh, the guffaw, the penultimate death-by-laughter effect, go no further than the Cleveland Browns. In a league full of bottom-dwelling joke teams, the Browns are the ones who bring the house down.
This season was no different. The Factory of Sadness played host to some lowlights and some lower lights this year, with glimmers of hope being dashed by metric tons of shit-soaked reality. At one time they were near the division lead, and it was later than Week 1. Then it all fell apart and they ended the season on seven straight losses.
But it turned out the regular season was just the opening act in this comedy of ineptitude. The real headliner would be the front office shuffle that had a first-year coach fired, a month-long coaching search being rejected by anyone with a lick of sense, and finally the general manager and CEO left the team, because they couldn’t stand the smell of the shitstorm they created. The Browns, like they have over the past several years, stands at a crossroads with no map, where most if not all paths lead to certain doom. Hopefully they packed a towel.
This is the Cleveland Browns retrospective. Continue reading
Last year, the Washington Redskins were the hip, surprise story of the NFL. With an exciting offense led by Rookie of the Year Robert Griffin the III, the Skins went on an incredible winning streak to win the division.
Then they faced the Seattle Seahawks in the playoffs, and Mike Shanahan revealed the real surprise: “Surprise! I’m a terrible coach!”
From that moment on, the Redskins have been nothing short of a disaster, both on the field and from a public relations standpoint. From Griffin’s injury, return-hype, and poor play, to their disgustingly poor defense, to the realization that Shanahan has a disease that prevents him from ever accepting any amount of blame, this year was awful for Redskin fans, and great for people who don’t care about football but want the name changed.
This is the 2013 Washington Less Offensive Nickname Retrospective. Continue reading
Going into the 2013 season, the expectations for the Jets were at an all-time low – well, an all-time low if you weren’t a Jets fan, and “same as every other season” if you were. Rex Ryan, whose loud-mouthed antics were loveable when they were winning, now was looked at as the drunk in the bar who won’t stop making racist jokes and elbowing random people who pass him. And in their third preseason game, Rex made a decision to throw Mark Sanchez into the game late in the second half. This decision, which was thought to be a death knell for his head coaching career, actually may have saved his job for one more year. The Jets flirted with postseason dreams in the middle of the season before crashing towards the end and winning their final two games to end the season 8-8. For a team that most expected to flounder hopelessly and be a never-ending media punchline, the team’s silent and solid season was disappointing. To Jets fans, it was…well, at least it wasn’t 4-12, right?
This is the 2013 New York Jets retrospective.
Rex patting invisible Geno Smith on the head for an okay season.