Author Archives: Joseph Kyle Schmidt

About Joseph Kyle Schmidt

Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.
by | November 12, 2012 · 1:10 pm

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Ten

The weekend brought another great Veteran’s Day, courtesy of the always topsy-turvy NFL and its familiar pal, the good ole concussion. Not that there were more than on any other average week of football, but it became notable when three of the last four games’ starting QBs were forced out from concussions.

Concussions aside, it was a week of upsets and blowouts courtesy of the teams you wouldn’t normally expect. There were records snapped and streaks broken. And the 49ers solidified themselves as the shittiest best team in the NFL with their tie to the Rams. No McNabb jokes from us, we’re above all of that.

The universal “Fuck the Kicker” face.

It’s time for your weekly morning festival of Jerk. Continue reading →

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by | October 24, 2012 · 3:09 pm

The NFL makes money from breast cancer?

This is my shocked face.

Just so you know, all of those angry and hateful thoughts you’ve levied toward the NFL for the Annual October Pink-Out might be justified. So don’t feel bad for hating the awareness initiative, considering the League might be using breast cancer as a marketing tool. Continue reading →

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by | October 2, 2012 · 12:11 pm

Dallas Cowboys Continue to be Trolled by Rony Tomo

It was only halftime. Those first 30 minutes were rough, sure, but there was still more football to play. Tony knew it, his coaches and teammates knew it, and all were depending on his guidance toward victory. Well, that or not screwing up.

Sure he might have fumbled and thrown a pick all within a span of thirty seconds, but Tony bounced back and marched for a score before the end of the half, leaving the Cowboys within three of the Bears on Monday Night Football last night. The third quarter was a wondrous place of possibility. What lied ahead: a winning record, strong footing in the division, a Super Bowl championship, and all of the accompanying orgies. Continue reading →

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by | September 17, 2012 · 9:25 pm

Monday Morning (shut up) Jerkface: Week Two — Still Jerkin’

It’s only seven days later, and thus we must overreact to another slate of NFL results. Ben might not be sober enough for this, but that doesn’t mean the ‘bawl Blog can go even a single day without a dose of snark. Here’s your Monday Morning Jerkface.

Disclaimer: I promise there will only be one terrible pun in this article. Continue reading →

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by | August 28, 2012 · 8:42 pm

Twelve guidelines NFL players (and pretty much everyone else on the planet) should follow

“Read the fucking list!”

It seems like many athletes are getting arrested these days. While common sense supposedly accounts for avoiding such behavior, some of these guys just can’t catch a break from the law.

Some of them are a bit more valuable to their team than others, so it’s somewhat understandable that Jerry Jones would be pissed at Dez Bryant for his superfluous off-field dramatics. And while Dez might have the luxury of a security team ratting out each juicy transgression to Jerry and keeping him in line, others don’t have the kind of hands-on care normally reserved for small children.

I’ve proposed a list of guidelines which football players, basketball players, and generally all sentient beings that have pulses should adhere to. Without further ado, what it takes to not be shitty: Continue reading →

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