Another year of this man’s talents wasted.
The season could only be called bittersweet for the Arizona Cardinals. How else could you classify a 10-6 team that didn’t make playoffs?
And really, the Cardinals weren’t supposed to achieve what they did. With a new coaching regime, a shaky running back, and an aging quarterback under center (FUCKING USC), no one expected Arizona to be a contender. And they were right in the end, because going 2-4 in the division is awful.
But the pieces are in place for the team to improve. The NFC West is lately considered the toughest division in football, and there has to be a little truth to it if third best team in the division still eked out 10 wins.
Now join us, stoke the still waters and be embraced by the Blessed Mother in this, a time of retrospection, a time of wonder. /Mendenhall verse. Continue reading
The San Diego Chargers were a surprising breath of fresh air this season. A decent team in the middling AFC pack, the Chargers got a little bit of luck in their Week 17 overtime win against the Chiefs and found themselves in the playoffs.
Despite inconsistent play and being stuck in the same division as two of the best teams in the NFL, the Chargers rallied behind new coach Mike McCoy and Comeback Player of the Year Philip Rivers, who bounced back from one of the worst years of his career.
But for all the praise he gets, he still manages to fuck up in ways entirely unique to him. Like this gem to end the game against the Titans in Week 3:
“Well, fuck this game”
This is your 2013 Chargers retrospective. Continue reading
My best friend is a Panthers fan. In some reality, they were not plagued by the playoff bye week. They continued with the momentum that propelled them throughout the regular season, past the San Francisco 49ers.
They defeated the Seahawks in a rematch from Week 1. And they had a shootout with the Broncos in a wholly satisfying Super Bowl, in which fans on both sides took pride in the fact that their team gave it their all despite the outcome.
But this is Earth Prime, where Carolina fucked up when it mattered most. And it sucks to say it because they were one of the most entertaining teams to watch that didn’t have Peyton Manning on the team, because the Panthers were good on all sides of the football.
One loss, and all of that hard work is as useful as a baggy Magnum. Playoffs are unforgiving. But it all began somewhere…
“Names are funny. You’re Captain even though you’re a football player. I’m Ron even though I’m an overrated coach.”
My son was born two weeks before the 2013 season began. I was a proud father and a hopeful sports fan. Finally, in the third year of our Munchak, this was going to be the Titans’ year.
They’d prove how overrated the Texans are. They’d finally defeat Andrew Luck and his fellow demonspawn. And they’d surely defeat Jacksonville, BECAUSE JACKSONVILLE.
I’m sorry, son, but the Titans dropped their first game against the Texans, one of their only two wins. They didn’t defeat the Colts, and Andrew Luck remains undefeated against the Titans in his NFL career. And they managed to give the Jaguars their first win of the season in Week 10—YES, JACKSONVILLE.
I’m sorry, son, but we’re Tennessee Titans fans.
Fuck you, FROM THE GRAVE!
Need an explanation why their season sucked? Look no further! (photo credit: ESPN.com)
You have to make a choice: Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel, or Josh Freeman? WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?
If your answer is “GARGH,” because you’re trying to kill yourself by swallowing your shoe, then DING DING DING you win! Step right up, because you’ve just won an all-expenses-paid prison sentence to a franchise as stable as its stadium.
Welcome to Minnesota. We hope you survive.
It’s not hard to see where it all went wrong with the Vikings, just look at anyone not named ‘Adrian Peterson’ or ‘Cordarrelle Patterson’ and you have your answer. Losing Harrison Smith, Erin Henderson and other players to injury and/or bad decision kept the Minnesota defense at the bottom of the pack. And when your top receiver, old ass Greg Jennings, only amasses 800 yards in a season, there’s obviously something wrong with your passing game.
But let’s stick to the script and take a gander at the team’s few notable moments last season. Continue reading