Need an explanation why their season sucked? Look no further! (photo credit: ESPN.com)
You have to make a choice: Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel, or Josh Freeman? WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?
If your answer is “GARGH,” because you’re trying to kill yourself by swallowing your shoe, then DING DING DING you win! Step right up, because you’ve just won an all-expenses-paid prison sentence to a franchise as stable as its stadium.
Welcome to Minnesota. We hope you survive.
It’s not hard to see where it all went wrong with the Vikings, just look at anyone not named ‘Adrian Peterson’ or ‘Cordarrelle Patterson’ and you have your answer. Losing Harrison Smith, Erin Henderson and other players to injury and/or bad decision kept the Minnesota defense at the bottom of the pack. And when your top receiver, old ass Greg Jennings, only amasses 800 yards in a season, there’s obviously something wrong with your passing game.
But let’s stick to the script and take a gander at the team’s few notable moments last season. Continue reading
That moment during every post-game press conference when he forgets about the loss, and remember his contract.
Forehead slaps. Deep sighs. And conspiracy theories of NFL revenue contributing to Roger Goodell’s top-secret weather machine sending snowstorms to interrupt even more games.
Welcome to Baltimore.
Consistency is hard to come by in the League, but it’s far from impossible. The Ravens aren’t strangers to it; less than 20 years old, they’ve won two Super Bowls and have been to the playoffs more times than not. That’s why it’s so damn surprising to see the defending champions fall off how they did in 2013. Bust out your finest toothed comb, we gonna figure out how they done fucked up.
This is the 2013 Ravens Retrospective. Continue reading
“Hey Chip. This might be a bad time to share, but I’m also a ruthless dog killer.”
Oh, Eagles fans. Is there any other sports team that has as tumultuous of a relationship with its fanbase than the Philadelphia Eagles? (For blog’s sake, let’s just pretend the Cleveland Browns don’t exist for a few hundred words.) It’s the quintessential love/hate sports relationship. Over the last decade we’ve seen lows (poor Santa Claus) and highs (that T.O. Carl’s Jr. commercial). The season started out a little rough, which in Philadelphia is more than enough justification for Chip Kelly’s early termination and mob-led castration.
And though the Championship drought continued this year, the Eagles showed a lot of growth and promise as the season progressed, finishing with an impressive 10-6 record as NFC East Champions.
But if you’ve been reading along this week (or this season), you’ll already know that the NFC East was absolutely horrendous. Congratulations, Eagles, you guys sucked the least in a division mired in suckitude. Now let’s see how it all went down. Continue reading
The weekend brought another great Veteran’s Day, courtesy of the always topsy-turvy NFL and its familiar pal, the good ole concussion. Not that there were more than on any other average week of football, but it became notable when three of the last four games’ starting QBs were forced out from concussions.
Concussions aside, it was a week of upsets and blowouts courtesy of the teams you wouldn’t normally expect. There were records snapped and streaks broken. And the 49ers solidified themselves as the shittiest best team in the NFL with their tie to the Rams. No McNabb jokes from us, we’re above all of that.
The universal “Fuck the Kicker” face.
It’s time for your weekly morning festival of Jerk. Continue reading
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