Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Eight

“He died as he lived,” the priest said, in front of a congregation full of teary eyes.

“Amen!” one of the mourners uttered.

“Making pre-snap adjustments to have the halfback stay in to block and protect from the double A gap blitz and then hit the slot receiver on the bubble screen,” the priest finished, nodding solemnly.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Ever feel like Peyton's arm might just get stuck like this and he has to be hauled off the field in this exact position?

Ever feel like Peyton’s arm might just get stuck like this and he has to be hauled off the field in this exact position?

Night of the Living Arm

Never in my experience watching football had a 6-0 team come under as much fire as the 2015 Denver Broncos. Peyton Manning’s arm was called a noodle, and football analyst have been training us to believe that there is only a matter of time before the defense can’t carry them any further.

But maybe there was another 6-0 team we should have been worried about. And in retrospect, it makes sense.

The only team with a winning record that the Packers had beaten coming into Sunday night’s showdown against Denver, was the Rams, and even that was a struggle at home. They were coming off of a game where they had surrendered over five hundred passing yards to the Chargers, Eddie Lacy has been unable to run the ball effectively, and none of the wide receivers have been able to get much separation down the field.

Aaron Rodgers is likely the best quarterback in the NFL, but Sunday night’s performance is a painful reminder for Packer fans that he is not a one man team. The Packers had to fight and claw for every inch. Three yard passing plays looked entirely too difficult, and relying on defensive penalties was their most surefire offensive formula. The loss of Jordy Nelson looms larger and larger, as none of the Packers current crop of wide receivers is a legitimate deep threat. The Broncos, on the other hand, cruised down the field with big chunks of yards nearly every single play.

To me it had been a foregone conclusion that the Patriots would end up with home field advantage in the AFC, but maybe not. Maybe the Broncos ability to rush the passer and blanket receivers will be the difference. And yeah, maybe Peyton Manning’s arm isn’t dead yet.

It’s Time to Stop Talking About Cowboys Football

After their blown fourth quarter lead against the Seahawks, the Dallas Cowboys are a game and a half out of first in their division, but so are the St. Louis Rams. Seen a lot of debate about the Rams on Sportscenter recently?

Now, don’t get me wrong…the Cowboys can still be discussed. But just not in a football context. Below are acceptable Dallas Cowboy talking points:

-Dez Bryant loves it when people almost get paralyzed

-Jerry Jones is an enabling piece of shit

-Has anyone ever defecated on the star?

So the next time you think about discussing the Cowboys’ playoff chances (non-existent) or if this team can run the table when Tony Romo comes back (they won’t) just…don’t. There are plenty of alternative Cowboy topics.

Like: what kind of screams would Greg Hardy make if he were on fire?

Random Jerkiness

-The Steelers lost to the Bengals, but the bigger blow is the loss of Le’Veon Bell for the year.

-The Giants and Saints combined for the third most points in NFL history, in a game where Brees and Manning combined to throw thirteen touchdown passes. Thirteen!

-I had a clever bit about how irrelevant the Texans win over the Titans was, but after taking a look at the standing they are now only a half game out of first. The AFC South isn’t uh…great.

-The Bears must be literally saying “Almost win on 3!” during the pregame pep talk huddle.

-Colin Kaepernick might need some help reading the defense.

-Steve Smith is done for the year, which means that the Baltimore Ravens will continue to trot out pass catchers with made up names. Crockett Gillmore? THAT’S NOT A REAL FUCKING NAME.

-Most of America was still in bed when the Lions were being destroyed by the Chiefs in London, and I think Detroit’s strategy should be to insist that it didn’t actually happen.

-The Raiders are happy to be 4-3, but if they could have managed to score more than 16 points against Denver and not blown the game in the final minute against Chicago this could be a team that is competing for first place

-Enjoy watching the announcers make excuses for Andrew Luck on Monday Night Football tonight!

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Seven

“Trick or treat!” the man says, dressed in full pads.

“And what are you supposed to be?”

“The linebacker you didn’t pick up in blitz protection!”

He lunges towards you, tackling you into your foyer. Some people would call the police. But you call an offensive line meeting.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.



And then a Car Crashed Into the Dumpster Fire

If you drafted Andrew Luck in fantasy football this year, you had to be pretty excited to see him fall behind by three scores in the first half. For whatever reason, this is the only time he puts up numbers this season. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Five

FDR once said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.

But what about your neighbor that takes everyone’s garbage receptacles on trash day and lines them up in his back yard. He labels them all with the names of quarterbacks, and violently tackles them before rolling around in the filth that they vomit up.

Should you fear him? It’s worth considering.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

"The" - there's your weird 90's R&B reference for the day

“The ball…is…mine.” – there’s your weird 90’s R&B reference for the day

The Legion of Gloom

See what I did there!?!

The Seahawks’ record fell to 1-3 in games not decided by catastrophic referee fuck-ups (2-3 overall) as they blew a 17 point fourth quarter lead in Cinci on Sunday afternoon. Continue reading

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Parade Rain: A Brief Word on the Colts

"And then later in the year, we play the Jaguars AGAIN!"

“And then later in the year, we play the Jaguars AGAIN!”

On the surface, it seems like a pretty good time to jump on the Colts bandwagon.

After an 0-2 start they have won three straight, the last of the two with a forty year old quarterback. Last night Simms and Nantz couldn’t help falling all over themselves pointing out that sometimes a team needs their best player to miss a few games so everyone else is forced to step up. Congrats on righting the ship boys!

Except, nah. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Three

“First down,” you mumble to yourself, sprinting down the street with a football. Ten yards later, you say it again. And again. And again. And again.

That guy in the skinny jeans, he isn’t even trying to tackle you. Is it poor coaching, or does he just have bad fundamentals? It’s hard to say. You spin past the woman with all the horses on her shirt. She will likely be benched. Only 16,234 yards to go until you have the rushing record. Your friend is behind you , screaming something about how you’re not in the NFL and you’re out of your goddamn mind. Don’t listen to them. All you have to think about is how you’re going to get past the zany pizza joint mascot with the sign.

Ah, the stiff arm. Nice choice.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

“And then I was like…coach, it’s me, Brandon Weeden. Why are we passing?”

The most Jason Garrett shit ever

Put yourself in the shoes of Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett: you start the second half with a double digit lead, you have been running the ball successfully with multiple backs, and your quarterback is Brandon Weeden. What would you do? Continue reading

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