Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Of Jim Harbaugh, John Fox, and “Mutual” Decisions

"Hey Jim, how's it going? Anyway, fuck the man. Seeya!"

“Hey Jim, how’s it going? Anyway, fuck the man. Seeya!”

It’s hard to find a lot of parallels between John Fox and Jim Harbaugh.

One seems like a good natured Grandpa, content to tell corny jokes and let the chips fall where they may. The other seems like a mean Grandpa that you always held a grudge against for making you wake up at 4 AM to do chores but eventually you learned to love for making you a better man.

One thing they have in common is they shouldn’t have been fired. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Wildcard Edition

“I have a bye,” you say into your phone.

“What are you talking about?” your boss replies.

“I have done my job so well all year that I get a bye this week.”

“Get into work right no…”

The call drops. Must have been a bad connection.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

...ugh

…ugh

What will now be known as “the pick-up game”

When a playoff game earns a nickname, it is usually good for the league. It usually means that the end of the game had a play so exciting that it earned a place in the hearts and minds of football fans forever.

This is not one of those times. Continue reading

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Hey Everyone: I Know Who is Going to Win the Wildcard Games! (SPOILERS INSIDE!)

It’s that bittersweet time of the year again, folks.

The playoffs.

It’s that time of the year when we are forced to balance our excitement about the most important football games of the year, with the realization that someday soon our Sundays will be willed with adult things like errands and yard work. But fret not my friends, and live in the moment.

In case you haven’t noticed, this is a football blog which means that we are obligated to pretend we know who is going to win football games. So here goes!

Record: 0-0

Mood: Accurate

Pretty good summary of the Ryan Lindley experience

Pretty good summary of the Ryan Lindley experience

Arizona Cardinals at Carolina Panthers

Who would win in a fight: Time limit draw. Let’s just be real for a second here – a Cardinal can’t beat up a Panther and Panthers can’t fly. Continue reading

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OBJ for OROY! (Or, “Suck it Nate”)

Could an offensive lineman do this?

Could an offensive lineman do this?

Oh hi voter!

I couldn’t help notice you sitting there, looking sexy, and educating yourself about your voting choices. That’s very thoughtful of you. What site do you have up? Oh good choice, the Footbawl Blog is an excellent source for what I like to call “premium content”.

You might want to steer clear of that piece that my buddy Nate put up yesterday, though. He thinks that Zach Martin, an offensive lineman, deserves to win rookie of the year. Why would he put something this crazy out there? I’m not sure. Maybe he was deserted as a child and raised by offensive lineman. Maybe not!

But maybe.

This is politics, and in politics we use absurd analogies. So here goes: when SEAL Team 6 killed Osama, did we give a bunch of medals to the guys that drove them to the airport? No, we didn’t. We gave the hardware to the brave men that actually “scored freedom touchdowns for America” so to speak. So what am I saying? Vote Odell Beckham Jr. for rookie of the year or you are a terrorist. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Seventeen

Photocredit: BENSNIGHTMARES.COM (Okay it's actually espn.com)

Photocredit: BENSNIGHTMARES.COM
(Okay it’s actually espn.com)

With a great heave, you dump the Gatorade upon the coach.

“WE DID IT! WE WON THE DIVISION!” you scream.

Why is the coach running away from you and swearing? Why are you in the Walgreens parking lot? On second thought, that might not be a coach at all. That might be John, the soft spoken young man that works at the car dealership.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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