Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Super Bowl Edition!

"In your face, Wilson" - God

“In your face, Wilson” – God

You peer over your laptop at the last few guests left at the Super Bowl party.

“Well, that was a fun season,” you overheard someone say, as they packed up their chips and dip.

“Was?” you ask.

“Well yeah, it’s over.”

“IT’S NEVER OVER!” you scream, and turn your laptop towards the frightened guests.

“What’s that?” Bob manages to utter.

“IT’S THE NAMES AND MEASUREABLES OF EVERYONE THAT WILL BE AT THE COMBINE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! IT NEVER ENDS! PRAISE BE TO GOODELL!”

“Uh…”

“I THINK THE BENGALS ARE GOING TO GO LINEBACKER IN THE FOURTH ROUND!”

The guests are running now. Maybe they are getting in line for the combine early?

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Articles, MMJ

The Fourth Annual Footbawl Blog End of Season Awards!

We spared...expense

We spared…expense

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Fourth Annual End of Season Awards! We’ve been at this for quite a while, and our hard work has finally paid off! Here to host our awards is none other than comedy legend Seth Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Hey, guys! Excited to be here. Let’s start this off right. I was giving the Patriots a ride to the awards show here, but we were a little late. Apparently our tires were deflated.

Nate: GET OUT.

Seth Meyers: Thanks you’ve been a great crowd!

Nate: Okay, let’s start the stupid award show already. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Articles, Lists!

Of Jim Harbaugh, John Fox, and “Mutual” Decisions

"Hey Jim, how's it going? Anyway, fuck the man. Seeya!"

“Hey Jim, how’s it going? Anyway, fuck the man. Seeya!”

It’s hard to find a lot of parallels between John Fox and Jim Harbaugh.

One seems like a good natured Grandpa, content to tell corny jokes and let the chips fall where they may. The other seems like a mean Grandpa that you always held a grudge against for making you wake up at 4 AM to do chores but eventually you learned to love for making you a better man.

One thing they have in common is they shouldn’t have been fired. Continue reading

Comments Off

Filed under Articles, Ramblings

Monday Morning Jerkface: Wildcard Edition

“I have a bye,” you say into your phone.

“What are you talking about?” your boss replies.

“I have done my job so well all year that I get a bye this week.”

“Get into work right no…”

The call drops. Must have been a bad connection.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

...ugh

…ugh

What will now be known as “the pick-up game”

When a playoff game earns a nickname, it is usually good for the league. It usually means that the end of the game had a play so exciting that it earned a place in the hearts and minds of football fans forever.

This is not one of those times. Continue reading

Comments Off

Filed under Articles, MMJ

Hey Everyone: I Know Who is Going to Win the Wildcard Games! (SPOILERS INSIDE!)

It’s that bittersweet time of the year again, folks.

The playoffs.

It’s that time of the year when we are forced to balance our excitement about the most important football games of the year, with the realization that someday soon our Sundays will be willed with adult things like errands and yard work. But fret not my friends, and live in the moment.

In case you haven’t noticed, this is a football blog which means that we are obligated to pretend we know who is going to win football games. So here goes!

Record: 0-0

Mood: Accurate

Pretty good summary of the Ryan Lindley experience

Pretty good summary of the Ryan Lindley experience

Arizona Cardinals at Carolina Panthers

Who would win in a fight: Time limit draw. Let’s just be real for a second here – a Cardinal can’t beat up a Panther and Panthers can’t fly. Continue reading

Comments Off

Filed under Articles, Ramblings