Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Fifteen

This is the exact look I had on my face during this play as well

This is the exact look I had on my face during this play as well

“Let’s try Z-44 Roger Split Left here, I think the safety will be cheating a little,” you say into the headset. The QB doesn’t answer, because by this point in both of your careers you are on the same page.

Another explanation for his silence is you are sitting at home watching the game on TV, and that headset isn’t plugged into anything.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Fourteen

They say “if you hate storm and strife, lead a bachelor’s life” – and that makes sense. Perhaps some of the ups and downs of a committed relationship are too much for you. But what if you’ve fallen in love? What then?

What if you’re standing on the steps of the court house, screaming, at the top of your lungs, “I WILL MARRY THE ST. LOUIS RAMS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! OUR LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL AND OUR DEFENSIVE LINE IS REALLY COMING TOGETHER DOWN THE STRETCH!”

What then?

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

"Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh..."

“Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh…”

A Ten Point Blowout?

If you didn’t watch any of the Seahawks/Eagles game yesterday and simply saw the final score, you might have made the inference that was it was a reasonably close game. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Thirteen

There is no creepy intro this week, as that Packer victory filled me with too much glee to be my normal disturbing self!

‘Tis the season…for hilarious F Bombs

Immediately after Aaron Rodgers had hit Randall Cobb for the game clinching first down, the cameras went to the sidelines, as they often do, for the opposing quarterback’s reaction. We were not disappointed at the results.

Patriot haters everywhere had a good chuckle and Moms everywhere were concerned that the handsome quarterback man said a bad word. But, more importantly, the Packers had won the match-up between the two best teams (according to the NFL.com power rankings) in football. Continue reading

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Reckless Gambling: Thanksgiving Edition

Is this supposed to be cute? RUN YOU STUPID FUCK LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!

Is this supposed to be cute? RUN YOU STUPID FUCK LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!

Ah, Thanksgiving.

Family gathered around the table. The smell of turkey in the air. Your Aunt has had one more glass of wine than is socially acceptable. Grandpa is yelling about the over. It’s a joyous holiday, and a great opportunity to gamble your face off. Unlike a typical Sunday when you might have money on the Jaguars game or some other such eyesore, you will be able to watch every moment of these football games without a satellite dish.

In an unrelated note, these are maybe the most entertaining group of Thanksgiving football games I can remember in some time. Let’s start parting with money, shall we? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Twelve

The hole was open for two seconds before 18 Seahawks defenders tackled him in unision

The hole was open for two seconds before 18 Seahawks defenders tackled him in unision

“Father, please forgive me…for I have sinned,” you softly say to the unseen man on the other side of the divider. “It has been a month since my last confession.”

“We have all sinned in the eyes of God,” he responds.

“With a little under three minutes left and up by three, my opponent has no timeouts. I decided to get cute and call a few pass plays. They were incomplete and the other team won in the closing moments…”

Suddenly the divider slides open and on the other side is an angry man.

“YOU’RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!” the priest screams.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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