Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Dystopian Headlines: Russell Wilson isn’t black enough?

Wilson, seen here, joking with one of his teammates who isn't a complete dipshit.

Wilson, seen here, joking with one of his teammates who isn’t a complete dipshit.

Sifting through the headlines on NFL.com, there is one that seems conspicuous by its absence: “Some Seahawks think Russell Wilson isn’t black enough.”

Surely, other websites have had no problem running the story. How about that?

My mock shock at the NFL’s lack of a desire to touch this with a ten foot pole aside, this is one of those stories that just makes you want to quit your job, become a recluse, and write somber poems about the fall of mankind in a cabin by the lake. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Seven

"Wouldn't you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?"

“Wouldn’t you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?”

The officer taps twice on the glass, and you roll down the window. Don’t blow it a voice gently whispers to you.

“Good afternoon!” you practically squeal.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer asks, his eyes wandering to the passenger seat.

“You probably wanted to get Dan Marino’s autograph, and who can blame you!”

The officer’s brow furrows, and he continues: “I pulled you over because there is a cardboard cutout in your passenger seat, and you are driving in the carpool lane.”

“Dan loves it when we PASS people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Jesus Christ man the cutout whispers.

“Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the car.”

Don’t talk about what we’ve done…don’t talk about the trunk the cutout pleads, and for the first time you realize that the officer can’t hear him. The officer must have some kind of mental problem.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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God Help Me: I’m About to Defend Rex Ryan

A freaked out Rex Ryan after watching QB drills during training camp

A freaked out Rex Ryan after watching QB drills during training camp

There are coaches that get fired because they are incompetent, poor game managers, or they have lost the respect of the locker room. And then there are the coaches that are fired simply because a team throws their hands in the air and goes, “it’s about time to do this, right?” with hardly any rhyme or reason.

When the 2014 season comes to a close, and all is said and done, and Geno Smith has turned the ball over twenty more times…the latter scenario this will be Rex Ryan’s fate. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Six

"Goddamn it!" - basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

“Goddamn it!” – basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

They said you couldn’t do it.

They said you couldn’t contain the run and shoot offense.

Well, then what are the 1993 Houston Oilers doing in your garage, bound and gagged? Hold still, Webster Slaughter. It will only hurt for a moment.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Five

"Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!"

“Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!”

“The ketchup packets are the offensive players, and the mustard packets are the defense,” you explain as calmly as you can.

“Why…why are you doing this!?!” he yells, lip quivering in terror.

“It’s best not to ask that question. It’s best not to think about the why. It’s best to only think about the how.”

“The how?”

“Yes, how are you going to design a successful screen pass! Cause that’s the only way you’re leaving! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

So many have tried. So many have failed. So many of their families still search for them.

Oh yeah, this is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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