Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Jonathan Dwyer: “Take that Rice and Peterson, I beat up a woman AND a child!”

Well, I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume this guy is a piece of shit

Well, I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume this guy is a piece of shit

…allegedly.

Anyway, in case you missed it, the NFL’s nightmare continues. Except it isn’t the NFL’s nightmare as much as the nightmare of ANYONE WHO HAPPENS TO KNOW A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER. They very well might beat the ever loving shit out of you.

Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegations of assault. The victims in question are his wife and child, because of course they are. The Cardinals deactivated Dwyer immediately, not really because they give a shit as much as he is a back up and also the Vikings set a precedent.

The latter is the same reason that the Panthers’ Greg Hardy was deactivated yesterday. Just think about that for a moment: being convicted of abusing and threatening to murder his ex-girlfriend will not keep you out of games, but “well, the Vikings did it, so…yeah” will.

Tune in tomorrow when a Titans running back chops off a woman’s head and eats it.

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James Jones is Now Officially an Oakland Raider

"Now that my name is on the dotted line, does anyone have a ball I can drop?"

“Now that my name is on the dotted line, does anyone have a ball I can drop?”

Sure, Oakland signed James Jones in the off-season, but he didn’t officially become a Raider until he fumbled the ball twice in one play in Sunday afternoon’s blowout loss to the Texans. Playing worse for the Raiders than you did for your previous team is tradition, baby. Sorry for the video quality, but I think you’ll enjoy it anyway.

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It’s Time to Talk About Adrian Peterson

"Seeya sponsors!"

“Seeya sponsors!”

I like this website the most when we’re talking about wide receivers we’d like to kick in the dick, or celebrating our status as the internet’s official Manning Face headquarters.

Lately however, being whimsical in this space has been a bit harder. The NFL, and the players that comprise it, have pummeled the news cycle with one disgusting story after another. The latest horror show I haven’t had the chance to comment on, mostly because the timing of its release falling on the weekend, but partly because it just made me feel tired…and sick. But the more and more we learn about all of this, the less and less I am able to keep my thoughts to myself.

Yes, it’s time to talk about Adrian Peterson. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Two

"I threw at you four times, man. I'M FUCKING CRAZY!"

“I threw at you four times, man. I’M FUCKING CRAZY!”

“I’m open,” you quietly whisper, watching them in the distance.

Two friends are playing catch. Tossing around the ol’ pigskin. Oh, the fun they are having. They laugh and carry on about inside jokes you wish you were a part of. You have jokes too. So many jokes. Like the one about the two people with different professions that walk into a bar. It’s hilarious.

“I’m open,” you repeat, a little louder this time.

You are walking towards them. They haven’t noticed you yet, but soon they will have no choice but to recognize your existence.

“I’M OPEN!” you finally scream, holding your hands out, begging for the ball…and maybe, just maybe, for their love.

You are lumbering at them now, your face a bright red mask of insanity. They turn and run. But why? Are they intimidated by your route running ability? Yes, that must be it. You stop, momentarily out of breath. You didn’t make any new friends today. Best go inside and read the internet. Get caught up on week two of the NFL. Best forget that this ever happened.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Things Could be Worse: At Least You’re Not Ryan Leaf!

If Peyton Manning was passed up on for the #1 pick that year, this would have happened to him for sure

If Peyton Manning was passed up on for the #1 pick that year, this would have happened to him for sure

Week 1 of the NFL schedule saw a lot teams, players, coaches, and executives triumph in the face of adversity! Whoo!

Unfortunately, it also saw an equal amount of them fail miserably. They let down their friends, family, fantasy owners, fans, but most of all themselves. But we here at The Footbawl Blog have an inspirational message for those that failed. Things could always be worse. They could always be so much worse.

You could be Ryan Leaf. Continue reading

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