Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Reckless Gambling: Thanksgiving Edition

Is this supposed to be cute? RUN YOU STUPID FUCK LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!

Is this supposed to be cute? RUN YOU STUPID FUCK LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!

Ah, Thanksgiving.

Family gathered around the table. The smell of turkey in the air. Your Aunt has had one more glass of wine than is socially acceptable. Grandpa is yelling about the over. It’s a joyous holiday, and a great opportunity to gamble your face off. Unlike a typical Sunday when you might have money on the Jaguars game or some other such eyesore, you will be able to watch every moment of these football games without a satellite dish.

In an unrelated note, these are maybe the most entertaining group of Thanksgiving football games I can remember in some time. Let’s start parting with money, shall we? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Twelve

The hole was open for two seconds before 18 Seahawks defenders tackled him in unision

The hole was open for two seconds before 18 Seahawks defenders tackled him in unision

“Father, please forgive me…for I have sinned,” you softly say to the unseen man on the other side of the divider. “It has been a month since my last confession.”

“We have all sinned in the eyes of God,” he responds.

“With a little under three minutes left and up by three, my opponent has no timeouts. I decided to get cute and call a few pass plays. They were incomplete and the other team won in the closing moments…”

Suddenly the divider slides open and on the other side is an angry man.

“YOU’RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!” the priest screams.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Haters Gon’ Hate: RG3 is a dick

One day we might look back and call this the end of his career.

One day we might look back and call this the end of his career.

I say a lot of things about football every week.

They range from predictions and analysis to mid play grunting. Like most people that talk about football, I tend to quickly forget about the things I was wrong about and forever cling to the things I was right about. And this week, the thing I’m taking pride in the most is a hypothesis of mine I had a few years ago: RG3 is a dick. Continue reading

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On Offensive Pass Interference

"Push Him Off" - a Taylor Swift/JImmy Graham collaboration!

“Push Him Off” – a Taylor Swift/Jimmy Graham collaboration!

I saw the flicker of orange out of the corner of my eye, and even if my brain couldn’t fully register what it was, I knew on a subconscious level. I knew not to even make a noise when Jimmy Graham came down with the football at the end of regulation in the Saints’ contest against the 49ers on Sunday. I knew it wasn’t going to count.

I wouldn’t call it bad officiating, per se. But I wouldn’t call it good officiating either. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Nine

You know what they say: we are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed.

And by “they” I am referring to Jacksonville Jaguars and their fans. It’s in bold text above the team photo this year. They chant it at night while holding down rookies and newborn babies, before tattooing it on their backs.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Manning turning this handshake into a clothesline would be a great heel turn.

Well I think we all know what the lead is here…

And it sure isn’t Blake Bortles vs. Andy Dalton. Continue reading

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