Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
You have been watching the clock tick down since the Super Bowl. You haven’t left the room. You have been pissing and shitting in a bucket. Who has been disposing of your waste? How are you paying rent? These are mere afterthoughts. It is the regular season now, and you are emerging from your room a beautiful football butterfly.
But seriously though, it smells pretty bad in here.
This is Monday Morning Jerkface.
Sweet Super Bowl Picks, Bro
Okay, so there’s no reason that the Seahawks and Colts can’t make it to the big game despite yesterday’s performances…but that being said, it wasn’t pretty. The prohibitive favorite from each conference had a rough opening day.
The reason why I picked the Colts as a Super Bowl contender that might shit the bed, is that several of Andrew Luck’s signature victories are of the come from behind variety. Yes, being able to come through after you start in a hole is admirable…but at some point, wouldn’t you just like to not risk all that hassle? At some point, your “luck” runs out. Honestly when I started to type that sentence, I had no idea the pun hell I was about to sentence all of us to. I think he’s the third best QB in the league at the moment, but I think the gap between Rodgers/Brady and the other #12 is bigger than most realize. That being said, the Bills are a very interesting team that might end up contending for the AFC East…but the Colts looked outclassed from the jump. Side note: those Bills throwback jerseys are sexy as hell.
The Seahawks’ loss to the Rams was also a head scratcher. All of the hilarious “why didn’t you pass it?” memes aside, Russell Wilson threw 41 passes and Marshawn Lynch ran it 18 times. That doesn’t sound like a good formula for this team to win football games. On a personal level, Russell Wilson annoys me more than almost any player in the league. He’s either a phony tool, or is convinced that he is a prophet. Either way, fuck off. My petty qualms aside, on the field he is a pretty effective player. But despite the acquisition of Jimmy Graham, he doesn’t have the kind of skill players around him to dominate the game through the air. And what about the onside kick to start overtime? It was supposedly a mishit, but the goal was definitely to attempt some hijinks. The Seahawks have a superior team and a superior defense. Why on earth would you not just kick it deep and take your chances? Afraid of Kenny Britt? I hope not. It was the kind of “hey look at me I’m a goddamn crazy person!” bullshit that Pete Carroll doesn’t need to do with a team this talented.
Witten celebrating the go ahead touchdown, and a quieter Dez Bryant free huddle
“Fire Tom Coughlin!” – Tom Coughlin
In the aftermath of the Giants’ last second loss to Dallas, a beleaguered coach Coughlin took the mic and full responsibility for the decision to pass with 1:45 left, and the lead. This is a big deal seeing as Dallas had no timeouts left. As you probably know by now, the Cowboys went down the field and Romo threw the game winning TD. The press conference in question was refreshing in the sense that he actually admitted to making a mistake. Typically when head coaches mismanage a game, there is some vague nonsense about “Well we saw a look that we liked, and we’d do it again every single time, so fuck you for asking about it”.
Here’s the thing: if they would have run the ball, and Dallas would have gone down and scored, the same reporter would have asked, “Do you wish you would have been more aggressive and tried to seal the deal?”
But yeah, it was a terrible decision.
On the other side, I don’t think I’d be all that thrilled about this victory if I’m a Dallas fan. It was a sloppy performance for almost the entire sixty minutes, and Dez Bryant will be lost for 4 to 6 weeks. His teammates are likely upset about this for multiple reasons.
- He’s really good at football.
- He will have even more time to beat his chest and scream out nonsense on the sidelines.
-The Broncos and Ravens played an absolute snoozer, where the two QBs combined for less than three hundred yards. They each threw a TD pass…to the other team. 2015: the year Peyton Manning’s neck finally falls off.
-It was obvious from watching the Bears offense that a concerted effort is being made to make Jay Cutler more efficient and play within himself. Their ball control offense gave the Green Bay defense fits for much of the game. They were still ultimately overmatched against the Packers, but maybe this isn’t going to be a dumpster fire of a season after all? Oh I’m just kidding – CUUUUUUUUTLAAAAAAAAAAH!
-Pacman and Suh slammed someone’s head into the ground, and kicked someone in the head respectively. Roger Goodell is already on record as saying, “Yeah, but how much air was in the football during those plays?”
-The Detroit Lions: less than the sum of their parts since forever. The lack of targets for Megatron and Tate is concerning, but perhaps even more so is their insistence on continuing to throw the ball even when up by 18 points. Abdullah averaged over seven yards a carry, and yet only carried the ball seven times. Joique Bell carried it even less. They earned their Sunday afternoon collapse against the Chargers.
-Carson Palmer proved once again that when he’s upright, he’s a pretty good quarterback. Just the same, I have “hamstring tear” in the injury pool.
-The Browns two leading rushers were Manziel and McCown. It’s going to be a long year.
-If you say “Bilal Powell” really fast a bunch of times in a row, it kind of just becomes one really weird word. Try it today!
-Follow us on twitter at @thefootbawlblog for Monday Night Football related snark. Enjoy the games!