Author Archives: Ben Van Iten

About Ben Van Iten

Ben decided that after guiding several Madden franchises to Super Bowl titles he now had the right to say whatever he wanted about football on the internet. His obsession with all things NFL is no longer cureable.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Three

“First down,” you mumble to yourself, sprinting down the street with a football. Ten yards later, you say it again. And again. And again. And again.

That guy in the skinny jeans, he isn’t even trying to tackle you. Is it poor coaching, or does he just have bad fundamentals? It’s hard to say. You spin past the woman with all the horses on her shirt. She will likely be benched. Only 16,234 yards to go until you have the rushing record. Your friend is behind you , screaming something about how you’re not in the NFL and you’re out of your goddamn mind. Don’t listen to them. All you have to think about is how you’re going to get past the zany pizza joint mascot with the sign.

Ah, the stiff arm. Nice choice.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

“And then I was like…coach, it’s me, Brandon Weeden. Why are we passing?”

The most Jason Garrett shit ever

Put yourself in the shoes of Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett: you start the second half with a double digit lead, you have been running the ball successfully with multiple backs, and your quarterback is Brandon Weeden. What would you do? Continue reading

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The Week 3 Freak-out Index!

Calm down, buddy.

Calm down, buddy.

“It is never too early in the season to overreact” – the first commandment of the football blogger’s bible.

Some teams are 2-0. They’re sitting in a hot tub, reading the morning paper, being hand fed strawberries by European models. There are other teams, however, that are not so fortunate. Some teams are 0-2, and they are smoking three cigarettes at the same time with blood shot eyes and messy hair.

Ladies and gentlemen it’s the first ever Footbawl Blog Freak-out Index! I will be rating, on a scale from 1 to 10, the level that each of the below teams should be freaking out. If your miserable shitty team wasn’t included, I apologize. In case that isn’t clear enough, there will be pop culture clips. Basically this is all a poorly disguised excuse to show a video of Nicholas Cage screaming. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week One

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

You have been watching the clock tick down since the Super Bowl. You haven’t left the room. You have been pissing and shitting in a bucket. Who has been disposing of your waste? How are you paying rent? These are mere afterthoughts. It is the regular season now, and you are emerging from your room a beautiful football butterfly.

But seriously though, it smells pretty bad in here.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.


Sweet Super Bowl Picks, Bro

Okay, so there’s no reason that the Seahawks and Colts can’t make it to the big game despite yesterday’s performances…but that being said, it wasn’t pretty. The prohibitive favorite from each conference had a rough opening day.

The reason why I picked the Colts as a Super Bowl contender that might shit the bed, is that several of Andrew Luck’s signature victories are of the come from behind variety. Yes, being able to come through after you start in a hole is admirable…but at some point, wouldn’t you just like to not risk all that hassle? At some point, your “luck” runs out. Honestly when I started to type that sentence, I had no idea the pun hell I was about to sentence all of us to. I think he’s the third best QB in the league at the moment, but I think the gap between Rodgers/Brady and the other #12 is bigger than most realize. That being said, the Bills are a very interesting team that might end up contending for the AFC East…but the Colts looked outclassed from the jump. Side note: those Bills throwback jerseys are sexy as hell.

The Seahawks’ loss to the Rams was also a head scratcher. All of the hilarious “why didn’t you pass it?” memes aside, Russell Wilson threw 41 passes and Marshawn Lynch ran it 18 times. That doesn’t sound like a good formula for this team to win football games. On a personal level, Russell Wilson annoys me more than almost any player in the league. He’s either a phony tool, or is convinced that he is a prophet. Either way, fuck off. My petty qualms aside, on the field he is a pretty effective player. But despite the acquisition of Jimmy Graham, he doesn’t have the kind of skill players around him to dominate the game through the air. And what about the onside kick to start overtime? It was supposedly a mishit, but the goal was definitely to attempt some hijinks. The Seahawks have a superior team and a superior defense. Why on earth would you not just kick it deep and take your chances? Afraid of Kenny Britt? I hope not. It was the kind of “hey look at me I’m a goddamn crazy person!” bullshit that Pete Carroll doesn’t need to do with a team this talented.

Witten celebrating the go ahead touchdown, and a quieter Dez Bryant free huddle

Witten celebrating the go ahead touchdown, and a quieter Dez Bryant free huddle

“Fire Tom Coughlin!” – Tom Coughlin

In the aftermath of the Giants’ last second loss to Dallas, a beleaguered coach Coughlin took the mic and full responsibility for the decision to pass with 1:45 left, and the lead. This is a big deal seeing as Dallas had no timeouts left. As you probably know by now, the Cowboys went down the field and Romo threw the game winning TD. The press conference in question was refreshing in the sense that he actually admitted to making a mistake. Typically when head coaches mismanage a game, there is some vague nonsense about “Well we saw a look that we liked, and we’d do it again every single time, so fuck you for asking about it”.

Here’s the thing: if they would have run the ball, and Dallas would have gone down and scored, the same reporter would have asked, “Do you wish you would have been more aggressive and tried to seal the deal?”

But yeah, it was a terrible decision.

On the other side, I don’t think I’d be all that thrilled about this victory if I’m a Dallas fan. It was a sloppy performance for almost the entire sixty minutes, and Dez Bryant will be lost for 4 to 6 weeks. His teammates are likely upset about this for multiple reasons.

  1. He’s really good at football.
  2. He will have even more time to beat his chest and scream out nonsense on the sidelines.

Random Jerkiness

-The Broncos and Ravens played an absolute snoozer, where the two QBs combined for less than three hundred yards. They each threw a TD pass…to the other team. 2015: the year Peyton Manning’s neck finally falls off.

-It was obvious from watching the Bears offense that a concerted effort is being made to make Jay Cutler more efficient and play within himself. Their ball control offense gave the Green Bay defense fits for much of the game. They were still ultimately overmatched against the Packers, but maybe this isn’t going to be a dumpster fire of a season after all? Oh I’m just kidding – CUUUUUUUUTLAAAAAAAAAAH!

-Pacman and Suh slammed someone’s head into the ground, and kicked someone in the head respectively. Roger Goodell is already on record as saying, “Yeah, but how much air was in the football during those plays?”

-The Detroit Lions: less than the sum of their parts since forever. The lack of targets for Megatron and Tate is concerning, but perhaps even more so is their insistence on continuing to throw the ball even when up by 18 points. Abdullah averaged over seven yards a carry, and yet only carried the ball seven times. Joique Bell carried it even less. They earned their Sunday afternoon collapse against the Chargers.

-Carson Palmer proved once again that when he’s upright, he’s a pretty good quarterback. Just the same, I have “hamstring tear” in the injury pool.

-The Browns two leading rushers were Manziel and McCown. It’s going to be a long year.

-If you say “Bilal Powell” really fast a bunch of times in a row, it kind of just becomes one really weird word. Try it today!

-Follow us on twitter at @thefootbawlblog for Monday Night Football related snark. Enjoy the games!

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The Footbawl Blog’s 4th Annual Preseason Awards!

We're having this guy go door to door with the trophies.

We’re having this guy go door to door with the trophies.

Can you believe real, actual football is being played TONIGHT? We can’t either. And to us, one of the best parts about a new football season, besides all of the hope and optimism, is finding new ways to make fun of Joe Flacco.

But even more than that is releasing our annual pre-season awards. They’re never official, we’ve never been right, and we refuse to do any research, but what we lack in accuracy we make up for in spunk and pretty pictures.

So without further delay, here are the Footbawl Blog Fourth Annual Pre-Season Awards Show! Continue reading


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Delayed Reaction: The Five Stages of NFC Title Game Grief

Sigh (photo credit: ESPN)

Sigh (photo credit: ESPN)

If you’ve been paying attention these last eight months or so, you might have noticed that I haven’t been contributing much to this website. I could try to make excuses for this that painted me like a healthy and well-adjusted person.

For instance: I have a job, a girlfriend, hobbies, etc.

But beneath those feeble attempts to justify my absence, lies something darker and much more pathetic. The NFC title game depressed the shit out of me. No, really, a football game actually made me depressed. I’m an adult, and that happened. Before I started writing this piece I thought I was totally over the game, but when I found the above picture I actually felt waves of sadness washing over me like ocean water on a rock…eroding my soul. Dramatic, huh? Continue reading

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