Category Archives: Articles

Fuck It, It’s Friday: STRAIGHT BASS HOMIE!

A few years ago, all hope seemed lost.

The world had become a dark and cynical place. People went to and from work with no real purpose. Our nation’s children had stopped fake mooning people. What did it all mean? Why were we here? What I’m trying to say, is Randy Moss was actively trying to play NFL football and had not landed on a roster. It was in that off-season, that time of existential woe, that Nate and I took it upon ourselves to make a difference. We took it upon ourselves to create The Straight Cash Homie Meter.

...and food tasted good again

…and food tasted good again

 

It was a way for us to gauge, with scientific precision, the amount of interest that a team would have in Randy Moss’ services. IT WAS A WAY FOR US TO COPE! In the end, he landed with the 49ers which would eventually be the last stop of his controversial and dynamic career.

And once again the world plunged into darkness.

It was Nietzsche who once said, “thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier, simpler.” For years my thoughts screamed out, “I will never be whole again.”

Until now.

Last night FOX Sports 1 aired a football preview show called “The Big Catch”. It features several analysts fishing, and talking about the upcoming college/NFL seasons.  Towards the end of this preview clip, one suddenly realizes …that the show is quite a bit more.

One suddenly realizes that maybe, just maybe, it’s all going to be okay.

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The Trial Of Johnny Manziel’s Middle Finger

Okay, it's pretty funny

Okay, it’s pretty funny

If you have ESPN (or know someone who knows someone that does) then by now you have most likely become aware of the incident on Monday night where Johnny Manziel gave the Redskins the bench the middle finger.

Johnny Football faces a fine from the NFL, and the stigma of his teammates. But more important of any of that, he must now stare down the barrel of justice in our highly prestigious court room. Today the former Heisman winner faces three counts of “Forcing his Teammates to Answer a Bunch of Stupid Questions for the Rest of their Lives” and ten counts of “Dude, Seriously?” Ben Van Iten is the prosecution while Nate Raby will be handling the defense.

These are their closing statements.

=== Continue reading

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Fuck It, It’s Friday: Why Does RG3’s Mom Have A Website?

Since his meteoric rise to the Rookie of the Year in 2013, Robert Griffin III’s off-field stock has taken several hits. There has been the injury fiasco with Shanahan, the “Operation Patience” shirts, the speculation of his work habits and attitude, and most of all his lackluster sophomore campaign. These have all contributed to an air of skepticism and negativity about Washington’s starting quarterback.

Hey, Jackie Griffin: you ain’t helpin. Continue reading

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Fuck It, It’s Friday: Donovan McNabb is Going To Be the Best Color Analyst Ever

Oh, this is going to be fun.

Oh, this is going to be fun.

A few days ago, it was announced that Donovan McNabb, among other former NFL pros, would be moving to the booth for gameday color commentator duties (slow down there, Rush Limbaugh). As preseason games start to get underway, we need to prepare ourselves for a world where Troy Aikman does not have the most annoying and frequent “Back in my day” moments in the broadcast booth.

And because, fuck it, it’s Friday, I’ve compiled a list of not-all-that-unlikely scenarios that may happen during this season while McNabb covers games. You know, so you can prepare yourself by purchasing earplugs.

*** Continue reading

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Take a Deep Breath About the Dalton Contract, Sheeple

Not pictured: his brand new 100k socks!

Not pictured: his brand new 100k socks!

Yesterday when it was announced that Andy Dalton had signed a 6 year, 115 million dollar contract with the Bengals and the internet collectively lost its shit.

The snark infested waters of twitter got even meaner than usual…

…but yet, was this really that bad a deal for Cincinnati? Continue reading

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