Category Archives: Articles

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Seven

"Wouldn't you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?"

“Wouldn’t you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?”

The officer taps twice on the glass, and you roll down the window. Don’t blow it a voice gently whispers to you.

“Good afternoon!” you practically squeal.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer asks, his eyes wandering to the passenger seat.

“You probably wanted to get Dan Marino’s autograph, and who can blame you!”

The officer’s brow furrows, and he continues: “I pulled you over because there is a cardboard cutout in your passenger seat, and you are driving in the carpool lane.”

“Dan loves it when we PASS people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Jesus Christ man the cutout whispers.

“Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the car.”

Don’t talk about what we’ve done…don’t talk about the trunk the cutout pleads, and for the first time you realize that the officer can’t hear him. The officer must have some kind of mental problem.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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God Help Me: I’m About to Defend Rex Ryan

A freaked out Rex Ryan after watching QB drills during training camp

A freaked out Rex Ryan after watching QB drills during training camp

There are coaches that get fired because they are incompetent, poor game managers, or they have lost the respect of the locker room. And then there are the coaches that are fired simply because a team throws their hands in the air and goes, “it’s about time to do this, right?” with hardly any rhyme or reason.

When the 2014 season comes to a close, and all is said and done, and Geno Smith has turned the ball over twenty more times…the latter scenario this will be Rex Ryan’s fate. Continue reading

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Programming Note: The NFL Sucks, So I’m Going to Costa Rica

Hey guys, Nate here. Letting you know that I’ll be gone until the October 28. I’m getting married this weekend and I’ll be spending my honeymoon in Costa Rica, so updates will have to come strictly from Ben, who is still struggling to find time escaping from his work dungeon to give you piping fresh takes. He’ll continue to have Monday Morning Jerkface, and whatever other stuff he fancies. Maybe Matt will give us another I Suck at Fantasy Football post. Maybe one of our other writers will return from the dead. Maybe you, YES YOU, will write a guest post, send it into thefootbawlblog@gmail.com, and we’ll run it. Anything could happen.

Ben should have something up tomorrow. Until then, I’ll see you guys unless I fall in love with Costa Rica and never want to leave. Wait, they don’t have DirecTV? Okay, fine, I’ll be back soon.

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Let’s Just Stop Doubting the Niners, Okay?

In the tumultuous world of football, there are very few things you can predict, and even fewer things you can guarantee. So many moving parts make it hard to know exactly what you’re going to get every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday (Jesus, football is on too many days.) And it makes sense that we try to find information to help us on this impossible quest to determine the future in the NFL. But sometimes that overeagerness can be problematic.

What does that vestigial paragraph have to do with anything? Probably nothing. I’ve had too much coffee this morning.

But what it really means is the San Francisco 49ers are a good team, and they will be for a while, and we should probably just shut the fuck up about their weaknesses, k? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Six

"Goddamn it!" - basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

“Goddamn it!” – basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

They said you couldn’t do it.

They said you couldn’t contain the run and shoot offense.

Well, then what are the 1993 Houston Oilers doing in your garage, bound and gagged? Hold still, Webster Slaughter. It will only hurt for a moment.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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