Category Archives: Haters Gon’ Hate

We take a look at a positive story, and then rip it to shreds cause man we hate that team

Fuck It, It’s Friday: Hey Drew Brees, Stop Giving Your Kids Weird Names

"Come back here or I'll change your name to Splugen!"

“Come back here or I’ll change your name to Splugen!”

I want to start this off by pre-emptively throwing myself at the feet of Breesus for forgiveness.

Okay, got that out of the way. Let me dust myself off. Continue reading

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Haters Gon’ Hate: So Here’s Some Guys I’d Punch in the Privates

When the Green Bay Packers are eliminated from the playoffs it leaves me with a variety of emotions.

Originally there is shock and sadness, but eventually that fades into resentment and bitterness. Yes, eventually you’ll find me sitting around a campfire drinking moonshine and saying stuff like this:

This weekend the playoffs will resume the same way that a car might start again after it runs over your family. Hmm, this is a lot darker than I thought it would be. Anyway, here are five NFL personalities that will be making an appearance this weekend that I would like to take out my frustrations on and punch in the dick. Continue reading


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Haters Gon’ Hate: Why I’m Not Drafting Jay Cutler

As we have stated on this website on more than one (thousand) occasions, the NFL offseason is a miserable and barren wasteland of either non or horrific stories. Either we are worrying about what cap someone is wearing, or Aaron Hernandez is murdering people. Also, Riley Cooper is a racist. So it goes.

But maybe the only good thing that comes from the off-season is you don’t have to hear about everyone’s fantasy football team. Oh, you benched the Rams third wide receiver and he scored two touchdowns you say? Please, let’s discuss this more over some cyanide.


Despite all the shit I talk about fantasy football players, I am one. We are only a few days away from the first pre-season football game, which means that fantasy drafts will be starting in a few weeks. We could tell you the players that you should draft, but that doesn’t really fit in with our cynical curmudgeon theme. So instead, over the next couple weeks we are going to tell you players to stay away from.


First up, reality star bangin’ interception slangin’ quarterback Jay Cutler! Continue reading

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I Hate the Offseason: This is About Jake Locker’s Fucking Wristband

As some of you may know, I work from home.

All in all, it’s a pretty good gig. One of my least favorite parts of it, however, is that when things get slow in the afternoon and I literally don’t have anything to do sometimes I get roped into watching random NFL programming on ESPN (First world problems, I know, shut up.) The NFL Network, which specializes in (wait for it) the NFL at least has the good sense to realize there is not enough new stuff to talk about on a day to day basis during the offseason to dedicate hours of coverage to banal subjects. At four in the afternoon they are running “The Top Ten Placekickers of the 90’s” or some shit.

Oh, but not ESPN.

Not only do they have NFL Live, but they also have NFL 32. Oh, and soon they are going to add something called “NFL Insiders” which I can only assume is Mort and Adam battling over who can use the phrase, “according to some general managers I’ve talked to” the most.

Oh, and here’s just a sidebar: if you ever see Hugh Douglas on any of these shows, you’d be better off going outside and running head first into your neighbor’s fence for a half hour than watch that jabbering idiot attempt to compose sentences.

But this isn’t about Hugh Douglas, this is about one of the top news stories in the NFL this afternoon. According to the Titans new offensive coordinator Dowell Loggains (yeah, like that’s a real name) Jake Locker is no longer going to use a wristband to call plays. Continue reading

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I Hate the Offseason: Pranks Are Cool, I Guess

So a few weeks ago I wrote about how I hate the offseason, and it wasn’t a very productive piece. All it did was complain and made me feel worse for writing it. And worst of all, the season isn’t getting here any quicker.

But after spending some time watching replays of every Super Bowl for the last 10 years and crying into a sock, I realized I could do something productive with my hatred of the offseason. I could do my favorite thing: rant!

So here it is, the semi-regular feature of the offseason, where I go to ESPN’s NFL newsfeed, read the articles, and think, “Why the fuck is this news? I can’t wait until these are all scores, highlights, and the occasional Pacman Jones DUI.” Continue reading

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