Category Archives: Haters Gon’ Hate

We take a look at a positive story, and then rip it to shreds cause man we hate that team

The Disease That Killed the San Francisco 49ers

We gather here today to pay our respects to the dearly departed San Francisco 49er organization, which has collapsed under the weight of front office egos. The cause of death is long-term illness that attacked the franchise on all sides. This sort of sickness is unprecedented, so all we can do is break down the different ailments that the Niners have incurred in the past few months of this surprisingly quick-moving disease. Continue reading

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Haters Gon’ Hate: Yeah yeah yeah Winston had a great combine BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT DUDE’S BEER BELLY?

Peter King says he’s an 80% chance to be the #1 pick. Bleacher Report says he’s blowing people away in interviews. His throwing was impeccable, and people can’t stop raving about how good he’s looked at the combine.

Oh hey that’s great ARE WE JUST GOING TO IGNORE THAT HE SHOWED UP LOOKING LIKE HE’S AT A 40 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION?

winston

Source: an official picture. Probably from a sports website.

THAT BELLY.

LOOK AT IT.

The weirdest part is that he reportedly LOST WEIGHT before this appearance. God knows how many crab legs he had scarfed down since his loss to Oregon.

Also weird is people are just dismissing the fact that he had one of the worst 40 yard dash performances we’ve ever seen from a skill player. I’VE RUN A 40 IN ALMOST THAT TIME AND I’M AS ATHLETIC AS A THREE-LEGGED PORCUPINE.

Look, I get that people overvalue measurables, and just because he runs slower than offensive linemen doesn’t mean he won’t be a good NFL quarterback. But we can’t just completely dismiss the bad stuff and rave about his interviews because he seems slightly apologetic for being an immature kid in college. We can’t just create whatever narrative makes us feel better. We need to take everything that happened this weekend and evaluate it together.

NOW LOOK AT THAT BELLY.

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Haters Gon’ Hate: RG3 is a dick

One day we might look back and call this the end of his career.

One day we might look back and call this the end of his career.

I say a lot of things about football every week.

They range from predictions and analysis to mid play grunting. Like most people that talk about football, I tend to quickly forget about the things I was wrong about and forever cling to the things I was right about. And this week, the thing I’m taking pride in the most is a hypothesis of mine I had a few years ago: RG3 is a dick. Continue reading

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Your Favorite Player Sucks: Cam Newton

I’ve really tried to avoid this all year. I knew that when it eventually happened, it would just come off as a fan of a division rival hating. In fact, I’ll double categorize this as Haters Gonna Hate too, just for full disclosure.

But I can’t ignore it anymore. We have to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant who is built more like a mountain lion/gazelle hybrid. The elephant who is a Panther. The elephant who was an Auburn Tiger.

Sorry, I confused myself with too many animals.

Your favorite player is Cam Newton, and your favorite player sucks.

"So hey, uh...what you doing after the game?" (Source: ESPN)

“So hey, uh…what you doing after the game?”
(Source: ESPN)

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Fuck It, It’s Friday: Hey Drew Brees, Stop Giving Your Kids Weird Names

"Come back here or I'll change your name to Splugen!"

“Come back here or I’ll change your name to Splugen!”

I want to start this off by pre-emptively throwing myself at the feet of Breesus for forgiveness.

Okay, got that out of the way. Let me dust myself off. Continue reading

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