Category Archives: MMJ

Morning Morning Jerkface is Ben’s weekly over-reaction piece.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Draft Edition

For the fans of thirty-one teams across the league, this weekend was a time of hope and new beginnings. For the fans of the Raiders, this weekend was a time to kneel by your bed and pray you didn’t make any glaring mistakes. And for everyone, this weekend was the last football fix before the preseason kicks up again in August. We can’t make that wonderful time come any faster, but we can look at this weekend, celebrate some good moves, and mock some bad ones (not you this time, Raiders! The prayers worked!)

This is Monday Morning Jerkface, NFL Draft edition. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Super Bowl Edition

The football season is over.

I repeat, the football season is over.

But you aren’t letting that get you down. You’re barreling down the street in your brand new Ford Fusion, your fingers stained with Dorito dust. You’re high on Pepsi (obviously not Coca Cola, what are you…a communist?) and everything is going to be alright. You laugh madly, before shouting “ADVERTISING IS EFFECTIVE!” at a group of people waiting at a bus stop.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Things got considerably less exciting after this.

Things got considerably less exciting after this.

That was not the Super Bowl of Super Bowls

As I stated on the blog on more than one occasion this last week, this was as excited as I’ve been about a Super Bowl where I had no rooting interest maybe ever. But it certainly did not live up to the hype, unless you’re an old timey cliché dickhead, because as you are certainly reminding everyone today…defense still wins championships. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Pro Bowl Edition

The fridge door remains open. Your eyes scan its contents. There are miscellaneous items scattered throughout the fridge, but the top shelf seems to be clearly divided into two areas.

On the right side: ketchup, mayo, fruit salad, unidentifiable lunch meat, and the last can of Old Milwaukee Light.

On the left side: half a two liter of Diet Coke, a stick of butter, barbecue sauce, leftover chicken wings, and a carton of eggs.

You hunch over and grab the package of hot dogs on the bottom shelf, before pulling it close to your lips. You whisper, “You have been selected to the Pro Bowl of stuff that is in my fridge. Congratulations.” You laugh madly for what seems like ten minutes, before putting the wieners next to its teammates who you imagine are preparing for battle. Preparing for a battle that has consumed your every thought for the last week. Your descent into madness is complete.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Collect them all! Then kill yourself.

Collect them all! Then kill yourself.

Okay so it was better, but let’s all settle down

I realize that last night there were a lot of options before you. There were the Grammy’s, the Royal Rumble, or just gathering with all your loved ones under a giant electric blanket and praying for winter to be over. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Championship Sunday Edition

You’ve been driving for hours, trying to clear your head. The window is down, and the cool night breeze envelopes you, trying hopelessly to take away your pain. Why can’t your team ever seem to get a hall of fame signal caller, or a legendary defense? You’d give anything to go back in time and become a Broncos or a Seahawks fan. You tried to say, “Go Broncos” to yourself in the mirror, your face covered with orange paint. But you didn’t mean it. You know you didn’t mean it. You just cried and cried. Ignore the banging from the trunk. You haven’t kidnapped the Seahawks fan from across the street; you haven’t taken him out to the desert to do unspeakable things. You’re a good person. Everything is going to be okay.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Sherman, seen here, five minutes before screaming at the lifeguard for not respecting his backstroke

Sherman, seen here, five minutes before screaming at the lifeguard for not respecting his backstroke

“EVERYONE DOUBTS US EXCEPT FOR THE MAJORITY OF PRO FOOTBALL PUNDITS WHICH PICKED US TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL LAST SUMMER!”

I go back and forth on Richard Sherman, I really do. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Divisional Edition

Three weeks from now you will wake up in a bleak and cold world without football, with only the love of your friends and family to keep you warm. And then you take a look at your supposed family again, only to realize that they are simply clothes hampers that you have labeled with names. Only memories of the loved ones you neglected during football season. Where are they now? Probably starting a new life with normal people who don’t scream at the television for seven straight hours every Sunday afternoon. They are happy now. Do not write them. If you see them at the grocery store, do not say hello.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

"What if I told you that this win is meaningless, and we are going to beat you in the playoffs?"

“What if I told you that this win is meaningless, and we are going to beat you in the playoffs?”

CAM-era shy. See what I did there?

Often times NFL pundits seem to really get off on the idea that inexperienced teams and players will buckle in the playoffs, while seasoned veterans eat pressure for breakfast and then crap it into road victories. Usually this is an exaggerated notion.

Usually. Continue reading

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