Category Archives: MMJ

Morning Morning Jerkface is Ben’s weekly over-reaction piece.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Two

"I threw at you four times, man. I'M FUCKING CRAZY!"

“I threw at you four times, man. I’M FUCKING CRAZY!”

“I’m open,” you quietly whisper, watching them in the distance.

Two friends are playing catch. Tossing around the ol’ pigskin. Oh, the fun they are having. They laugh and carry on about inside jokes you wish you were a part of. You have jokes too. So many jokes. Like the one about the two people with different professions that walk into a bar. It’s hilarious.

“I’m open,” you repeat, a little louder this time.

You are walking towards them. They haven’t noticed you yet, but soon they will have no choice but to recognize your existence.

“I’M OPEN!” you finally scream, holding your hands out, begging for the ball…and maybe, just maybe, for their love.

You are lumbering at them now, your face a bright red mask of insanity. They turn and run. But why? Are they intimidated by your route running ability? Yes, that must be it. You stop, momentarily out of breath. You didn’t make any new friends today. Best go inside and read the internet. Get caught up on week two of the NFL. Best forget that this ever happened.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week One

You lay down to sleep, but it isn’t that easy…is it?

There, in the corner of your room, is a shadowy figure sitting in your recliner. His face, or its face…yes it is definitely an it, is studying you intently. The figure is just blurry enough to be some kind of fever dream, but yet clear enough that you know that can’t possibly be true. You could turn on the light, but what good would that do? It will be gone, only a faint trail of laughter left in its place.

You are afraid. But not of this dark figure. You have already accepted your fate. It has been here for years. In fact, it has always been here. One day, it will take you away to an unspeakable place…a place where you will be enslaved, and will toil endlessly building war machines for a race of creatures whose hate your tiny brain will never have any context for. No, this is not what you fear.

The long snapper of your favorite football team has no experience in the rain.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Cutler, reading the defense, picking out which Bills defender to throw to

Cutler, reading the defense, picking out which Bills defender to throw to

Bear Down – and it can’t get up

My inner Packer fan (and the outer one too) insured that I would come up with a real dickhead headline for this one. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Draft Edition

For the fans of thirty-one teams across the league, this weekend was a time of hope and new beginnings. For the fans of the Raiders, this weekend was a time to kneel by your bed and pray you didn’t make any glaring mistakes. And for everyone, this weekend was the last football fix before the preseason kicks up again in August. We can’t make that wonderful time come any faster, but we can look at this weekend, celebrate some good moves, and mock some bad ones (not you this time, Raiders! The prayers worked!)

This is Monday Morning Jerkface, NFL Draft edition. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Super Bowl Edition

The football season is over.

I repeat, the football season is over.

But you aren’t letting that get you down. You’re barreling down the street in your brand new Ford Fusion, your fingers stained with Dorito dust. You’re high on Pepsi (obviously not Coca Cola, what are you…a communist?) and everything is going to be alright. You laugh madly, before shouting “ADVERTISING IS EFFECTIVE!” at a group of people waiting at a bus stop.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Things got considerably less exciting after this.

Things got considerably less exciting after this.

That was not the Super Bowl of Super Bowls

As I stated on the blog on more than one occasion this last week, this was as excited as I’ve been about a Super Bowl where I had no rooting interest maybe ever. But it certainly did not live up to the hype, unless you’re an old timey cliché dickhead, because as you are certainly reminding everyone today…defense still wins championships. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Pro Bowl Edition

The fridge door remains open. Your eyes scan its contents. There are miscellaneous items scattered throughout the fridge, but the top shelf seems to be clearly divided into two areas.

On the right side: ketchup, mayo, fruit salad, unidentifiable lunch meat, and the last can of Old Milwaukee Light.

On the left side: half a two liter of Diet Coke, a stick of butter, barbecue sauce, leftover chicken wings, and a carton of eggs.

You hunch over and grab the package of hot dogs on the bottom shelf, before pulling it close to your lips. You whisper, “You have been selected to the Pro Bowl of stuff that is in my fridge. Congratulations.” You laugh madly for what seems like ten minutes, before putting the wieners next to its teammates who you imagine are preparing for battle. Preparing for a battle that has consumed your every thought for the last week. Your descent into madness is complete.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Collect them all! Then kill yourself.

Collect them all! Then kill yourself.

Okay so it was better, but let’s all settle down

I realize that last night there were a lot of options before you. There were the Grammy’s, the Royal Rumble, or just gathering with all your loved ones under a giant electric blanket and praying for winter to be over. Continue reading

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