Category Archives: MMJ

Morning Morning Jerkface is Ben’s weekly over-reaction piece.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Eleven

The phone rings a second time. A third. You wait for him to pick up, but with every ring it’s clearer and clearer he won’t.

“Pick up, pick up,” you plead softly anyway, your voice rising above a whisper. “Please, come on.”

But after a few more rings, the answering machine picks up. You sigh, hang up, and try to call again, but the officer jams his thumb on the switch.

“You’re done,” the guard mutters.

“Can I call one more time?”

“You only get one call, and you’ve tried six times. Don’t you have anyone else you can call?”

You shake your head slowly and he leads you back to the holding cell. As you shuffle back to confinement, you can only say the same words over and over.

“Why won’t you pick up, Matt Stafford? Why are you letting me down?”

This is Monday Morning  Jerkface.

***

Hail to the God this joke is awful Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Nine

You know what they say: we are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed.

And by “they” I am referring to Jacksonville Jaguars and their fans. It’s in bold text above the team photo this year. They chant it at night while holding down rookies and newborn babies, before tattooing it on their backs.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Manning turning this handshake into a clothesline would be a great heel turn.

Well I think we all know what the lead is here…

And it sure isn’t Blake Bortles vs. Andy Dalton. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Eight

The bruises. The fractures. The internal bleeding. The hospital trips. The unbearable pain.

It’s all worth it.

You would do anything to be a part of the team. You would do anything to help them prepare for next Sunday’s contest. Sneaking into practice dressed up like a tackling dummy is the least you could do.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

"So, what do you say we blow this?"

“So, what do you say we blow this?”

Bacon, Eggs, Toast and A HORRIFIC COLLAPSE

While much of America was eating breakfast on Sunday morning, the Falcons were perhaps putting the final nail in Mike Smith’s coffin. Or was it the other way around? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Seven

"Wouldn't you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?"

“Wouldn’t you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?”

The officer taps twice on the glass, and you roll down the window. Don’t blow it a voice gently whispers to you.

“Good afternoon!” you practically squeal.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer asks, his eyes wandering to the passenger seat.

“You probably wanted to get Dan Marino’s autograph, and who can blame you!”

The officer’s brow furrows, and he continues: “I pulled you over because there is a cardboard cutout in your passenger seat, and you are driving in the carpool lane.”

“Dan loves it when we PASS people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Jesus Christ man the cutout whispers.

“Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the car.”

Don’t talk about what we’ve done…don’t talk about the trunk the cutout pleads, and for the first time you realize that the officer can’t hear him. The officer must have some kind of mental problem.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Six

"Goddamn it!" - basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

“Goddamn it!” – basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

They said you couldn’t do it.

They said you couldn’t contain the run and shoot offense.

Well, then what are the 1993 Houston Oilers doing in your garage, bound and gagged? Hold still, Webster Slaughter. It will only hurt for a moment.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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