Category Archives: MMJ

Morning Morning Jerkface is Ben’s weekly over-reaction piece.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Seven

"Wouldn't you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?"

“Wouldn’t you like to smell this record breaking arm pit?”

The officer taps twice on the glass, and you roll down the window. Don’t blow it a voice gently whispers to you.

“Good afternoon!” you practically squeal.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer asks, his eyes wandering to the passenger seat.

“You probably wanted to get Dan Marino’s autograph, and who can blame you!”

The officer’s brow furrows, and he continues: “I pulled you over because there is a cardboard cutout in your passenger seat, and you are driving in the carpool lane.”

“Dan loves it when we PASS people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Jesus Christ man the cutout whispers.

“Sir, I’m going to need you to step out of the car.”

Don’t talk about what we’ve done…don’t talk about the trunk the cutout pleads, and for the first time you realize that the officer can’t hear him. The officer must have some kind of mental problem.

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Six

"Goddamn it!" - basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

“Goddamn it!” – basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

They said you couldn’t do it.

They said you couldn’t contain the run and shoot offense.

Well, then what are the 1993 Houston Oilers doing in your garage, bound and gagged? Hold still, Webster Slaughter. It will only hurt for a moment.

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Five

"Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!"

“Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!”

“The ketchup packets are the offensive players, and the mustard packets are the defense,” you explain as calmly as you can.

“Why…why are you doing this!?!” he yells, lip quivering in terror.

“It’s best not to ask that question. It’s best not to think about the why. It’s best to only think about the how.”

“The how?”

“Yes, how are you going to design a successful screen pass! Cause that’s the only way you’re leaving! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

So many have tried. So many have failed. So many of their families still search for them.

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Four

"Amount of times he made that asshole blow the horn" should be a stat for all Vikings players.

“Amount of times he made that asshole blow the horn” should be a stat for all Vikings players.

You are sprinting through the mall in full pads and a helmet.

Why are you chasing him?

To be honest, you don’t even remember. He’s a quick little bugger, that much is certain. But he is tiring. As he slowly loses speed his screams become more frantic, and the spectators look even more confused. You don’t know why you’re chasing the man from the hand lotion kiosk. You know, the one by the Steak Escape. Perhaps he reminded you that life is not as smooth as any of us would like it to be. Or maybe you haven’t taken your medication in three weeks. But there’s no backing out now. You’re going to have to tackle him and do an elaborate sack dance over his prone body.

This is simply the way the world works.

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Two

"I threw at you four times, man. I'M FUCKING CRAZY!"

“I threw at you four times, man. I’M FUCKING CRAZY!”

“I’m open,” you quietly whisper, watching them in the distance.

Two friends are playing catch. Tossing around the ol’ pigskin. Oh, the fun they are having. They laugh and carry on about inside jokes you wish you were a part of. You have jokes too. So many jokes. Like the one about the two people with different professions that walk into a bar. It’s hilarious.

“I’m open,” you repeat, a little louder this time.

You are walking towards them. They haven’t noticed you yet, but soon they will have no choice but to recognize your existence.

“I’M OPEN!” you finally scream, holding your hands out, begging for the ball…and maybe, just maybe, for their love.

You are lumbering at them now, your face a bright red mask of insanity. They turn and run. But why? Are they intimidated by your route running ability? Yes, that must be it. You stop, momentarily out of breath. You didn’t make any new friends today. Best go inside and read the internet. Get caught up on week two of the NFL. Best forget that this ever happened.

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