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Morning Morning Jerkface is Ben’s weekly over-reaction piece.

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Eight

“He died as he lived,” the priest said, in front of a congregation full of teary eyes.

“Amen!” one of the mourners uttered.

“Making pre-snap adjustments to have the halfback stay in to block and protect from the double A gap blitz and then hit the slot receiver on the bubble screen,” the priest finished, nodding solemnly.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

Ever feel like Peyton's arm might just get stuck like this and he has to be hauled off the field in this exact position?

Ever feel like Peyton’s arm might just get stuck like this and he has to be hauled off the field in this exact position?

Night of the Living Arm

Never in my experience watching football had a 6-0 team come under as much fire as the 2015 Denver Broncos. Peyton Manning’s arm was called a noodle, and football analyst have been training us to believe that there is only a matter of time before the defense can’t carry them any further.

But maybe there was another 6-0 team we should have been worried about. And in retrospect, it makes sense.

The only team with a winning record that the Packers had beaten coming into Sunday night’s showdown against Denver, was the Rams, and even that was a struggle at home. They were coming off of a game where they had surrendered over five hundred passing yards to the Chargers, Eddie Lacy has been unable to run the ball effectively, and none of the wide receivers have been able to get much separation down the field.

Aaron Rodgers is likely the best quarterback in the NFL, but Sunday night’s performance is a painful reminder for Packer fans that he is not a one man team. The Packers had to fight and claw for every inch. Three yard passing plays looked entirely too difficult, and relying on defensive penalties was their most surefire offensive formula. The loss of Jordy Nelson looms larger and larger, as none of the Packers current crop of wide receivers is a legitimate deep threat. The Broncos, on the other hand, cruised down the field with big chunks of yards nearly every single play.

To me it had been a foregone conclusion that the Patriots would end up with home field advantage in the AFC, but maybe not. Maybe the Broncos ability to rush the passer and blanket receivers will be the difference. And yeah, maybe Peyton Manning’s arm isn’t dead yet.

It’s Time to Stop Talking About Cowboys Football

After their blown fourth quarter lead against the Seahawks, the Dallas Cowboys are a game and a half out of first in their division, but so are the St. Louis Rams. Seen a lot of debate about the Rams on Sportscenter recently?

Now, don’t get me wrong…the Cowboys can still be discussed. But just not in a football context. Below are acceptable Dallas Cowboy talking points:

-Dez Bryant loves it when people almost get paralyzed

-Jerry Jones is an enabling piece of shit

-Has anyone ever defecated on the star?

So the next time you think about discussing the Cowboys’ playoff chances (non-existent) or if this team can run the table when Tony Romo comes back (they won’t) just…don’t. There are plenty of alternative Cowboy topics.

Like: what kind of screams would Greg Hardy make if he were on fire?

Random Jerkiness

-The Steelers lost to the Bengals, but the bigger blow is the loss of Le’Veon Bell for the year.

-The Giants and Saints combined for the third most points in NFL history, in a game where Brees and Manning combined to throw thirteen touchdown passes. Thirteen!

-I had a clever bit about how irrelevant the Texans win over the Titans was, but after taking a look at the standing they are now only a half game out of first. The AFC South isn’t uh…great.

-The Bears must be literally saying “Almost win on 3!” during the pregame pep talk huddle.

-Colin Kaepernick might need some help reading the defense.

-Steve Smith is done for the year, which means that the Baltimore Ravens will continue to trot out pass catchers with made up names. Crockett Gillmore? THAT’S NOT A REAL FUCKING NAME.

-Most of America was still in bed when the Lions were being destroyed by the Chiefs in London, and I think Detroit’s strategy should be to insist that it didn’t actually happen.

-The Raiders are happy to be 4-3, but if they could have managed to score more than 16 points against Denver and not blown the game in the final minute against Chicago this could be a team that is competing for first place

-Enjoy watching the announcers make excuses for Andrew Luck on Monday Night Football tonight!

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Seven

“Trick or treat!” the man says, dressed in full pads.

“And what are you supposed to be?”

“The linebacker you didn’t pick up in blitz protection!”

He lunges towards you, tackling you into your foyer. Some people would call the police. But you call an offensive line meeting.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.



And then a Car Crashed Into the Dumpster Fire

If you drafted Andrew Luck in fantasy football this year, you had to be pretty excited to see him fall behind by three scores in the first half. For whatever reason, this is the only time he puts up numbers this season. Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Three

“First down,” you mumble to yourself, sprinting down the street with a football. Ten yards later, you say it again. And again. And again. And again.

That guy in the skinny jeans, he isn’t even trying to tackle you. Is it poor coaching, or does he just have bad fundamentals? It’s hard to say. You spin past the woman with all the horses on her shirt. She will likely be benched. Only 16,234 yards to go until you have the rushing record. Your friend is behind you , screaming something about how you’re not in the NFL and you’re out of your goddamn mind. Don’t listen to them. All you have to think about is how you’re going to get past the zany pizza joint mascot with the sign.

Ah, the stiff arm. Nice choice.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

“And then I was like…coach, it’s me, Brandon Weeden. Why are we passing?”

The most Jason Garrett shit ever

Put yourself in the shoes of Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett: you start the second half with a double digit lead, you have been running the ball successfully with multiple backs, and your quarterback is Brandon Weeden. What would you do? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week One

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

You have been watching the clock tick down since the Super Bowl. You haven’t left the room. You have been pissing and shitting in a bucket. Who has been disposing of your waste? How are you paying rent? These are mere afterthoughts. It is the regular season now, and you are emerging from your room a beautiful football butterfly.

But seriously though, it smells pretty bad in here.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.


Sweet Super Bowl Picks, Bro

Okay, so there’s no reason that the Seahawks and Colts can’t make it to the big game despite yesterday’s performances…but that being said, it wasn’t pretty. The prohibitive favorite from each conference had a rough opening day.

The reason why I picked the Colts as a Super Bowl contender that might shit the bed, is that several of Andrew Luck’s signature victories are of the come from behind variety. Yes, being able to come through after you start in a hole is admirable…but at some point, wouldn’t you just like to not risk all that hassle? At some point, your “luck” runs out. Honestly when I started to type that sentence, I had no idea the pun hell I was about to sentence all of us to. I think he’s the third best QB in the league at the moment, but I think the gap between Rodgers/Brady and the other #12 is bigger than most realize. That being said, the Bills are a very interesting team that might end up contending for the AFC East…but the Colts looked outclassed from the jump. Side note: those Bills throwback jerseys are sexy as hell.

The Seahawks’ loss to the Rams was also a head scratcher. All of the hilarious “why didn’t you pass it?” memes aside, Russell Wilson threw 41 passes and Marshawn Lynch ran it 18 times. That doesn’t sound like a good formula for this team to win football games. On a personal level, Russell Wilson annoys me more than almost any player in the league. He’s either a phony tool, or is convinced that he is a prophet. Either way, fuck off. My petty qualms aside, on the field he is a pretty effective player. But despite the acquisition of Jimmy Graham, he doesn’t have the kind of skill players around him to dominate the game through the air. And what about the onside kick to start overtime? It was supposedly a mishit, but the goal was definitely to attempt some hijinks. The Seahawks have a superior team and a superior defense. Why on earth would you not just kick it deep and take your chances? Afraid of Kenny Britt? I hope not. It was the kind of “hey look at me I’m a goddamn crazy person!” bullshit that Pete Carroll doesn’t need to do with a team this talented.

Witten celebrating the go ahead touchdown, and a quieter Dez Bryant free huddle

Witten celebrating the go ahead touchdown, and a quieter Dez Bryant free huddle

“Fire Tom Coughlin!” – Tom Coughlin

In the aftermath of the Giants’ last second loss to Dallas, a beleaguered coach Coughlin took the mic and full responsibility for the decision to pass with 1:45 left, and the lead. This is a big deal seeing as Dallas had no timeouts left. As you probably know by now, the Cowboys went down the field and Romo threw the game winning TD. The press conference in question was refreshing in the sense that he actually admitted to making a mistake. Typically when head coaches mismanage a game, there is some vague nonsense about “Well we saw a look that we liked, and we’d do it again every single time, so fuck you for asking about it”.

Here’s the thing: if they would have run the ball, and Dallas would have gone down and scored, the same reporter would have asked, “Do you wish you would have been more aggressive and tried to seal the deal?”

But yeah, it was a terrible decision.

On the other side, I don’t think I’d be all that thrilled about this victory if I’m a Dallas fan. It was a sloppy performance for almost the entire sixty minutes, and Dez Bryant will be lost for 4 to 6 weeks. His teammates are likely upset about this for multiple reasons.

  1. He’s really good at football.
  2. He will have even more time to beat his chest and scream out nonsense on the sidelines.

Random Jerkiness

-The Broncos and Ravens played an absolute snoozer, where the two QBs combined for less than three hundred yards. They each threw a TD pass…to the other team. 2015: the year Peyton Manning’s neck finally falls off.

-It was obvious from watching the Bears offense that a concerted effort is being made to make Jay Cutler more efficient and play within himself. Their ball control offense gave the Green Bay defense fits for much of the game. They were still ultimately overmatched against the Packers, but maybe this isn’t going to be a dumpster fire of a season after all? Oh I’m just kidding – CUUUUUUUUTLAAAAAAAAAAH!

-Pacman and Suh slammed someone’s head into the ground, and kicked someone in the head respectively. Roger Goodell is already on record as saying, “Yeah, but how much air was in the football during those plays?”

-The Detroit Lions: less than the sum of their parts since forever. The lack of targets for Megatron and Tate is concerning, but perhaps even more so is their insistence on continuing to throw the ball even when up by 18 points. Abdullah averaged over seven yards a carry, and yet only carried the ball seven times. Joique Bell carried it even less. They earned their Sunday afternoon collapse against the Chargers.

-Carson Palmer proved once again that when he’s upright, he’s a pretty good quarterback. Just the same, I have “hamstring tear” in the injury pool.

-The Browns two leading rushers were Manziel and McCown. It’s going to be a long year.

-If you say “Bilal Powell” really fast a bunch of times in a row, it kind of just becomes one really weird word. Try it today!

-Follow us on twitter at @thefootbawlblog for Monday Night Football related snark. Enjoy the games!

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Super Bowl Edition!

"In your face, Wilson" - God

“In your face, Wilson” – God

You peer over your laptop at the last few guests left at the Super Bowl party.

“Well, that was a fun season,” you overheard someone say, as they packed up their chips and dip.

“Was?” you ask.

“Well yeah, it’s over.”

“IT’S NEVER OVER!” you scream, and turn your laptop towards the frightened guests.

“What’s that?” Bob manages to utter.




The guests are running now. Maybe they are getting in line for the combine early?

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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