Category Archives: Ramblings

Because “random rant about the Broncos alternate jerseys” can’t be its own category

A Look at the NFC:S (The S stands for “Stop, Stop, For the Love of God Please Just Stop”)

It seems like forever ago that we were calling them the NFC Worst.

In 2010, the NFC West’s futility was remarkable. All four teams had a losing record. All four teams had a negative point differential. It seemed a crime that a team from the division had to make the postseason, but one did – and won a playoff game to boot.

Years passed, and the NFC West was one of the best divisions in football last year. With three teams with a winning record and the lone loser only a game below .500, the West showed that you can recover from an awful year and become respected once again.

That’s good news for the NFC South’s future, but in the meantime, we’re going to laugh at you for a little bit.

Let's pretend Lisa is Matt Ryan.

Let’s pretend Lisa is Lovie Smith.

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Dystopian Headlines: Russell Wilson isn’t black enough?

Wilson, seen here, joking with one of his teammates who isn't a complete dipshit.

Wilson, seen here, joking with one of his teammates who isn’t a complete dipshit.

Sifting through the headlines on NFL.com, there is one that seems conspicuous by its absence: “Some Seahawks think Russell Wilson isn’t black enough.”

Surely, other websites have had no problem running the story. How about that?

My mock shock at the NFL’s lack of a desire to touch this with a ten foot pole aside, this is one of those stories that just makes you want to quit your job, become a recluse, and write somber poems about the fall of mankind in a cabin by the lake. Continue reading

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Let’s Just Stop Doubting the Niners, Okay?

In the tumultuous world of football, there are very few things you can predict, and even fewer things you can guarantee. So many moving parts make it hard to know exactly what you’re going to get every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday (Jesus, football is on too many days.) And it makes sense that we try to find information to help us on this impossible quest to determine the future in the NFL. But sometimes that overeagerness can be problematic.

What does that vestigial paragraph have to do with anything? Probably nothing. I’ve had too much coffee this morning.

But what it really means is the San Francisco 49ers are a good team, and they will be for a while, and we should probably just shut the fuck up about their weaknesses, k? Continue reading

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Drew Brees’ Performance: Injury, Decline, or Space Aliens?

Lost in the Saints’ 37-31 overtime victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was how subpar Drew Brees played. Well, it was probably lost to most other fans. It certainly wasn’t lost to the Who Dat Nation, who are probably doing something stupid like advocating a tank for Mariotta right now (spoiler alert: they’re definitely doing it). The fact is, Brees hasn’t looked like Breesus this year. Through five games, he’s thrown nine touchdowns and six interceptions, which isn’t exactly Geno Smith bad, but it isn’t what you expect of a possible Top 10 All-Time Quarterback.

Whenever these inconsistencies in play arise, it’s natural for people to try and find an explanation. Well look no further, Saints fans! I’ve compiled the evidence for and against the three most likely explanations to Brees’ poor performance thus far: injury, decline, or space aliens? Continue reading

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I Suck at Fantasy Football: Week 4 Recap

Our good buddy Matt K is continuing the harrowing adventure that is his first fantasy football league. If you want to get caught up, click here.

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It’s 10:50pm pacific. I, a temporarily-displaced Bostonian, sit in my San Francisco hotel room with a text editor docked small in the corner of my screen while Parts Unknown plays behind it on Netflix. My body is still on east coast time, and I’m fighting to keep my eyes open. I have no idea why. I’d like to say this is my first stop on a cross-country tour wherein I find the members of my fantasy team and whine at them until they understand what a fuck-awful position they’re putting me in, but that’s not true. Instead I’m simply at a conference, which is the kind of thing that gets you a bazillion points for Stevie Johnson’s fantasy work team.

"BLUE! 42! FUCK MATT FOR NOT BELIEVING IN ME! HIKE!"

“BLUE! 42! FUCK MATT FOR NOT BELIEVING IN ME! HIKE!”

Part 1, In Which Our Hero Makes a Reasonably Good Quarterback Decision

Last week I made a joke about how I would have to start Joe Flacco as my punishment for being a New Englander who drafted Peyton Manning. That night, as I was laying in bed about to fall asleep, I was hit with the realization that Baltimore was playing against Fucking Carolina, meaning I couldn’t start both Flacco and the Panthers and expect any sort of point gain. The two would offset each other, I thought. I should get a different quarterback, I reasoned.

The available players on the waiver wire with a point projection higher than ten were Teddy Bridgewater and Jake Locker. Here’s a thought, does anyone refer to him as Hurt Locker? If not, is that a thing that we can do? I feel like that should be a thing. Somewhat related, this exchange happened last week:

Nate: “TEDDY THROWSEVELT!”

Me: “Is that his nickname?”

Nate: “It is now.”

I picked up Bridgewater – sorry, Throwsevelt, and moved Flacco to my bench. Then I overthought things and figured the Panthers might suck out loud again (spoiler alert: hahahahahahahaha kill me) so I picked up the Steelers D as well.

After registering at the conference on Sunday I moved back to my hotel room and spent the day watching whatever games were available. And, for the first time all season, I was That Guy who keeps a browser tab open displaying his team, refreshing it like a psychopath to see what changed. I cringed in horror as Flacco put on A Show, scoring 25 points on my bench. The Panthers? We’ll get to them. Oh, yes we will. We will deal with those fuckers shortly.

Throwsevelt didn’t find the end zone as often as Flacco did, but goddammit did he ever live up to that name. He put up a very strong 22, largely by heaving the ball to anyone in a purple jersey that he could find, ending the day with something like a hundred million yards passing. Then he was carted off the field on one of those golf carts, because Vikings aren’t allowed to have nice things. Still, I suppose it’s better than being put out to sea on a flaming ship. I suspect his injury had something to do with Loki and/or Frost Giants. These are Norse mythology jokes.

Part 2, In Which the Carolina Panthers Are Tried for War Crimes

I have a simple message for you, Carolina, and it is this:

swirlyfingers

I mean, I honestly don’t know what else to say here. I’m reluctant to drop them from my team on the chance that they remember how to play football again, but the thought of starting them at this point is about as sexy as a plane crash.

Thanks to Dave Parsons for the animated GIF, though. Man that thing is radical.

Part 3, Wherein Fuck Everyone, Man, Seriously

Seeing as I’m still in San Francisco I’ve started to think that it might be worth it to have a litle chat with Vernon Davis. I figure this isn’t that far out of the realm of possibility, since given the amount of injuries he’s accrued over the last few weeks it’s a fair bet he wouldn’t be able to outrun me (and I could always just sit on him, if it really came down to it). Starting him was a decision I was uneasy about, but I did it anyway and then watched the 49ers/Eagles game wondering whether he was ever going to catch anything ever again. Then he left the game. I flipped off my television. Middle fingers, I mean, pressed right against the screen.

For his insolence Harry Douglas is no longer with us. What was I even thinking there anyway?

In the end I was obliterated 99 to 77, which is fine. Looking at my alternatives (aside from “draft better, asshole”) the best I could have done was 90 points, and even that wouldn’t have been enough. I’m projected to put up 101 this week against an opponent projected to score 59, and who currently has players with a bye week in his starting lineup, so as long as I can continue to pound on the folks who auto-drafted and then vanished I should do well enough to get a playoff spot. And really, that’s all I want: to fuck up a serious player’s fantasy season.

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