Category Archives: Ramblings

Because “random rant about the Broncos alternate jerseys” can’t be its own category

The REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL Story of How Mark Ingram Broke His Hand

Sunday, September 14, 2014. The offensive players are gathered in a huddle in the Saints locker room. The mood is decidedly sober after a second straight last-second loss. Drew Brees tries to rally the troops.

Brees: It’s okay, guys. We were close in both games. We’ll get over the hump soon.

None of the players look up.

Brees: Next week we’re in the dome, we’ve got the Vikings, and I’m sure they’ll do something stupid like activate Peterson and deactivate him the next day. Things will be fine. As long as Mark keeps running the way he has been, we’ll be fine. You’ve been killing it, man.

Ingram: Thanks, Drew.

Brees: We’ll be fine. Right guys?

Pierre Thomas shrugs.

Brees: I mean, come on guys. We’re not going to go 0-16.

Jimmy Graham looks up suddenly, then just nods.

Graham: You’re right, Drew. It’ll be fine. Thanks for picking us up. GO SAINTS!

All: GO SAINTS!

Mark Ingram starts to walk away, but Jimmy grabs him.

Graham: Hold up, Mark. You haven’t touched your Gatorade. I’m sure you’re tired from carrying the team on your back.

Ingram: Haha, thanks man.

Ingram grabs the Gatorade and sips, then suddenly drops the cup.

Ingram: What’s going on? I feel…

He passes out on the floor. Continue reading

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Jonathan Dwyer: “Take that Rice and Peterson, I beat up a woman AND a child!”

Well, I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume this guy is a piece of shit

Well, I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume this guy is a piece of shit

…allegedly.

Anyway, in case you missed it, the NFL’s nightmare continues. Except it isn’t the NFL’s nightmare as much as the nightmare of ANYONE WHO HAPPENS TO KNOW A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER. They very well might beat the ever loving shit out of you.

Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegations of assault. The victims in question are his wife and child, because of course they are. The Cardinals deactivated Dwyer immediately, not really because they give a shit as much as he is a back up and also the Vikings set a precedent.

The latter is the same reason that the Panthers’ Greg Hardy was deactivated yesterday. Just think about that for a moment: being convicted of abusing and threatening to murder his ex-girlfriend will not keep you out of games, but “well, the Vikings did it, so…yeah” will.

Tune in tomorrow when a Titans running back chops off a woman’s head and eats it.

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Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice: “We Did Horrible Things To Show That Straight NFL Players Can Cause Distractions Too”

Source: ESPN

Source: ESPN

In a joint statement Wednesday afternoon, running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson announced that their actions this season marked great strides in support of homosexual defensive lineman Michael Sam. “We wanted to prove that gay people aren’t the only ones that can cause distractions for football teams,” the statement said, “and I think by our awful actions we have successfully done that.” Continue reading

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Hey Guys, I Figured Out Who Was Behind the Jets Timeout!

Stop seething, Jets fans. We here at the Footbawl Blog have worked tirelessly to discover the culprit of the timeout on Sunday. No, it wasn’t Marty Mornhinweg, so put your pitchforks down. Thanks to our high-technology super powered cameras, we found who was responsible for the timeout!

tumblr_m0saevILKE1qm9rypo1_1280-e1365516837265

Here’s our evidence of the culprit on the sideline, looking unapologetic as ever.

thanks to Leon P for the image

thanks to Leon P for the image

Take it easy on him, Jets fans. He’s been through enough.

Thanks to Matt K for the hilarious idea.

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James Jones is Now Officially an Oakland Raider

"Now that my name is on the dotted line, does anyone have a ball I can drop?"

“Now that my name is on the dotted line, does anyone have a ball I can drop?”

Sure, Oakland signed James Jones in the off-season, but he didn’t officially become a Raider until he fumbled the ball twice in one play in Sunday afternoon’s blowout loss to the Texans. Playing worse for the Raiders than you did for your previous team is tradition, baby. Sorry for the video quality, but I think you’ll enjoy it anyway.

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