Category Archives: Ramblings

Because “random rant about the Broncos alternate jerseys” can’t be its own category

I For One Welcome Our Dabbing Overlords

At this rate my fellow Saints fans are going to accuse me of liking the Panthers.

I swear I don’t! I’m just at the point where I have to talk myself into this or else I’m going to be very disappointed on February 7th.

Two years ago, I was convinced that there was NO CHANCE the Seahawks could beat the Broncos. The Broncos had Peyton and a dynamic, record-breaking offense. The Seahawks had a decent offense and an unlikable cast of characters. I said it on prediction threads, on podcasts, to friends: the Broncos were going to get Peyton his second ring.

And then…

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Fred Smoot is a Goddamned Superhero

We told you about last time Fred Smoot got on reddit to shoot the shit, and he’s back with even more hilarity. Seriously may be the funniest sports personality we’ve got. Take it away, Fred! Continue reading

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Mike Smith Background Check: What His Former Players Had to Say!

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“Well, you guys have a quarterback who’s just okay and gets intermittently hyped and hated depending on the day. So, hey, perfect fucking fit.”

-Matt Ryan

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“One time Mike put the ball in my hands in overtime, 4th and 1 on our own 30 yard line. It showed he had a ton of confidence and really made me feel great. Then…well, then I didn’t make it. That wasn’t great. And it was kind of an idiotic decision. But hey, if I had made it, we would have…had 70 yards to go to score. But…um…”

-Michael Turner

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“You want to hire Mike Smith…as a head coach? This is my only reaction:”

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-Brian VanGorder

 

“This has got to be a prank right? Why do you think I left?”

-Brent Grimes

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“Sounds like a great idea. Seriously. What are you waiting for? What…no I didn’t play for him. Why do you ask?”

-Tom Brady

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NFL Investigating Claim: Odell Beckham’s Head Filled With Ramen Noodles

NEW YORK – Following Sunday’s game against the Carolina Panthers, the New York Giants have received a letter from NFL League Offices announcing an investigation to the claim that receiver Odell Beckham, Jr. has a head filled entirely with ramen noodles. This comes to light after the incidents on the field Sunday where Beckham repeatedly attacked an opposing player for doing his job well. But it seems that the NFL’s case goes beyond just Beckham’s questionable conduct on the field.

Source: Beckham's own website. As you can see, he isn't even trying to hide it.

Source: Beckham’s own website. As you can see, he isn’t even trying to hide it.

“We always suspected there was something off with Beckham’s head when we first saw him take his helmet off,” the statement read. “There was clearly an overflow of some kind of uncooked noodles on top of his head.

“But his actions on Sunday indicate that where most people have a brain that controls decision-making and impulse control, Beckham may simply have a double batch of ramen noodles. No official results will be revealed until an investigation is complete, however.”

Part of the suspicion came from interviews with Josh Norman, the cornerback who was the target of Beckham’s helmet-to-helmet hit on Sunday.

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Not pictured: Josh Norman not falling down. (Source: Big Lead)

“It was really weird, man,” Norman said, appearing healthier than he ever has been. “He launched his head right into mine, and usually that means lights out. But I didn’t even fall, and honestly it didn’t feel like a big blow or anything. It just kind of felt like a really stiff wind that takes you by surprise and almost knocks you over. But then you realize that you’re a human and it’s just wind, so you man the fuck up and don’t fall. So honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if he had some noodles up in his head, yeah.”

The last bit of evidence has to do with a source from Beckham’s team itself, where a player reported that Beckham’s nickname in locker room is “Yakisoba.” However, the same player says that he isn’t sure the origin of the nickname, and that he assumed it was just a family name.

The NFL will report its findings later this week, and Beckham may be suspended as a result. The handbook explicitly forbids players from playing a game with a head full of any food except for Papa Johns Pizza.

When asked for a quote, Roger Goodell only said, “My main question is what seasoning packet he’s using. It appears to be chicken, but it could be shrimp as well.”

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Rob Ryan Fired: Why I Hate the Phrase “It’s Not ONLY His Fault”

So Rob Ryan is gone. Two years after his defense finished in the Top 5, his continuing failures and historically bad defenses have finally gotten him the axe in New Orleans. Most fans I know are pretty happy with the news, if only because they knew the defense was a major problem and are desperate for anything to change that.

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And because they saw the playcall sheet I stole from him. (Source: me. I’m hilarious.)

But there’s another pocket of the fandom who is less enthusiastic about the firing. It’s not that they think Ryan is a fantastic coordinator. Their main argument is that the team has so many holes that addressing one issue won’t change the world. They’re right. But when they make this argument, they use a phrase that I can’t stand.

“It’s not only his fault the defense is so bad.”

Why do I hate this phrase? It’s technically right. Obviously it’s not only his fault.

But that’s why I hate it. I hate the phrase because it’s so fucking obvious.

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“Oh man, he’s going to rant now isn’t he?”

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