Category Archives: Ramblings

Because “random rant about the Broncos alternate jerseys” can’t be its own category

Let’s Just Stop Doubting the Niners, Okay?

In the tumultuous world of football, there are very few things you can predict, and even fewer things you can guarantee. So many moving parts make it hard to know exactly what you’re going to get every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday (Jesus, football is on too many days.) And it makes sense that we try to find information to help us on this impossible quest to determine the future in the NFL. But sometimes that overeagerness can be problematic.

What does that vestigial paragraph have to do with anything? Probably nothing. I’ve had too much coffee this morning.

But what it really means is the San Francisco 49ers are a good team, and they will be for a while, and we should probably just shut the fuck up about their weaknesses, k? Continue reading

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Drew Brees’ Performance: Injury, Decline, or Space Aliens?

Lost in the Saints’ 37-31 overtime victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was how subpar Drew Brees played. Well, it was probably lost to most other fans. It certainly wasn’t lost to the Who Dat Nation, who are probably doing something stupid like advocating a tank for Mariotta right now (spoiler alert: they’re definitely doing it). The fact is, Brees hasn’t looked like Breesus this year. Through five games, he’s thrown nine touchdowns and six interceptions, which isn’t exactly Geno Smith bad, but it isn’t what you expect of a possible Top 10 All-Time Quarterback.

Whenever these inconsistencies in play arise, it’s natural for people to try and find an explanation. Well look no further, Saints fans! I’ve compiled the evidence for and against the three most likely explanations to Brees’ poor performance thus far: injury, decline, or space aliens? Continue reading

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I Suck at Fantasy Football: Week 4 Recap

Our good buddy Matt K is continuing the harrowing adventure that is his first fantasy football league. If you want to get caught up, click here.


It’s 10:50pm pacific. I, a temporarily-displaced Bostonian, sit in my San Francisco hotel room with a text editor docked small in the corner of my screen while Parts Unknown plays behind it on Netflix. My body is still on east coast time, and I’m fighting to keep my eyes open. I have no idea why. I’d like to say this is my first stop on a cross-country tour wherein I find the members of my fantasy team and whine at them until they understand what a fuck-awful position they’re putting me in, but that’s not true. Instead I’m simply at a conference, which is the kind of thing that gets you a bazillion points for Stevie Johnson’s fantasy work team.



Part 1, In Which Our Hero Makes a Reasonably Good Quarterback Decision

Last week I made a joke about how I would have to start Joe Flacco as my punishment for being a New Englander who drafted Peyton Manning. That night, as I was laying in bed about to fall asleep, I was hit with the realization that Baltimore was playing against Fucking Carolina, meaning I couldn’t start both Flacco and the Panthers and expect any sort of point gain. The two would offset each other, I thought. I should get a different quarterback, I reasoned.

The available players on the waiver wire with a point projection higher than ten were Teddy Bridgewater and Jake Locker. Here’s a thought, does anyone refer to him as Hurt Locker? If not, is that a thing that we can do? I feel like that should be a thing. Somewhat related, this exchange happened last week:


Me: “Is that his nickname?”

Nate: “It is now.”

I picked up Bridgewater – sorry, Throwsevelt, and moved Flacco to my bench. Then I overthought things and figured the Panthers might suck out loud again (spoiler alert: hahahahahahahaha kill me) so I picked up the Steelers D as well.

After registering at the conference on Sunday I moved back to my hotel room and spent the day watching whatever games were available. And, for the first time all season, I was That Guy who keeps a browser tab open displaying his team, refreshing it like a psychopath to see what changed. I cringed in horror as Flacco put on A Show, scoring 25 points on my bench. The Panthers? We’ll get to them. Oh, yes we will. We will deal with those fuckers shortly.

Throwsevelt didn’t find the end zone as often as Flacco did, but goddammit did he ever live up to that name. He put up a very strong 22, largely by heaving the ball to anyone in a purple jersey that he could find, ending the day with something like a hundred million yards passing. Then he was carted off the field on one of those golf carts, because Vikings aren’t allowed to have nice things. Still, I suppose it’s better than being put out to sea on a flaming ship. I suspect his injury had something to do with Loki and/or Frost Giants. These are Norse mythology jokes.

Part 2, In Which the Carolina Panthers Are Tried for War Crimes

I have a simple message for you, Carolina, and it is this:


I mean, I honestly don’t know what else to say here. I’m reluctant to drop them from my team on the chance that they remember how to play football again, but the thought of starting them at this point is about as sexy as a plane crash.

Thanks to Dave Parsons for the animated GIF, though. Man that thing is radical.

Part 3, Wherein Fuck Everyone, Man, Seriously

Seeing as I’m still in San Francisco I’ve started to think that it might be worth it to have a litle chat with Vernon Davis. I figure this isn’t that far out of the realm of possibility, since given the amount of injuries he’s accrued over the last few weeks it’s a fair bet he wouldn’t be able to outrun me (and I could always just sit on him, if it really came down to it). Starting him was a decision I was uneasy about, but I did it anyway and then watched the 49ers/Eagles game wondering whether he was ever going to catch anything ever again. Then he left the game. I flipped off my television. Middle fingers, I mean, pressed right against the screen.

For his insolence Harry Douglas is no longer with us. What was I even thinking there anyway?

In the end I was obliterated 99 to 77, which is fine. Looking at my alternatives (aside from “draft better, asshole”) the best I could have done was 90 points, and even that wouldn’t have been enough. I’m projected to put up 101 this week against an opponent projected to score 59, and who currently has players with a bye week in his starting lineup, so as long as I can continue to pound on the folks who auto-drafted and then vanished I should do well enough to get a playoff spot. And really, that’s all I want: to fuck up a serious player’s fantasy season.

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Hey, NFL, These Changes Will Make Your Football Fields Look Awesome!

Today NBA writer Zach Lowe posted this tweet revealing the New Orleans Pelicans’ brand new innovative court design.

It’s awesome! Rather than just pick a team color like most NBA teams do, they decided to put their badass murder death bird logo in the entire court. It’s loud and it’s different. Couple this with Cleveland’s new court design featuring the Cleveland skyline (no word on how many abandoned buildings will be in the design), and it’s clear that the NBA is dedicated to taking creative strides to keep things interesting.

NFL, it’s your turn to step up! Continue reading

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On E.J. Manuel, Kyle Orton, and the Head Coach Carousel Culture

Google image searching "drunk Kyle Orton" is awesome!

Google image searching “drunk Kyle Orton” is awesome!

Warning! Unfounded speculation ahead!

When E.J. Manuel was selected 16th overall in the 2013 draft, he was not expected to be an immediate game changer. He was expected to be a project.

Manuel exceeded expectations in training camp his rookie year and won the starting job, and would go on to show flashes of brilliance before getting injured. This year has been a little more of a struggle. While having five touchdowns to three interceptions is not terrible, possessing a QBR under twenty is. E.J., much like fellow second year QB Geno Smith, has a tendency to commit the game killing turnover at the worst moment.

So, in comes Kyle Orton: champion of mediocrity and neck beards! A walking and talking 8-8 record! Continue reading

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