Category Archives: The Trial of…

Our contributors put a player, coach, team, or idea on trial. You can be the jury. Or the stenographer.

by | December 1, 2011 · 9:02 am

The Trial of Nick Novak

With the time winding down in what would become another canonized verse in the Gospel According to Tebow, Chargers kicker Nick Novak was struck by a feeling we’re all familiar with: the body telling you it’s time to urinate. Unable to ignore the urge and unable to leave the sideline in a critical moment, he peed on the sideline in front of thousands of fans and, thanks to the camera crew filming it, millions at home. His actions have been put on trial by our fake authority. Nate Raby heads up the prosecution, while Ben Van Iten has the defense.

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The Defendant

Nate: Jurors, urination is a natural thing. It’s something the defense will bring up, and it’s something that is undoubtedly true. People do it all the time. Older men sometimes wish they could do it more.

The jurors collectively blink. Nate scratches his head.

Note to self: prostate cancer jokes don’t go over well in courtrooms.

Yes, the act of peeing is natural. But there is a time and place for such acts. The time is before you really have to go, and the place is the locker room during halftime. If you’re a parent, and you’re on a road trip with your kid, don’t you tell them to go before you leave? And don’t they say, “But mooooooom or daaaaaaaad, I don’t have to go”? And don’t you say “I don’t fucking care, you little shit, you better go anyway”? And if you get in the car, and they need to pee an hour in, aren’t you really mad at them? Don’t you punish them at this point?

Shouldn’t we hold Nick Novak to a higher standard than we hold a child?

Novak is a professional. He should know this could happen. He should know that because God has sprinkled fairy dust over all of Denver’s games, they are going to be really close contests so Tebow can continue to pull miracles out of his ass. Knowing this, Novak should be prepared. There’s no reason for him to need to pee so bad that it becomes a public display for millions to see and laugh about on the internet. Seriously, Nick Novak is probably the most viewed pisser on the internet that doesn’t involve porn.

And that’s another reason this needs to be condemned. Public urination is one of the more popular arrests I’ve seen in my life. I lived inNew Orleans, and let me tell you: if that city, one of the most famously relaxed cities in the world, will bring you to jail for public urination, why is Nick Novak getting a pass? Not only is it public — it’s seen nationwide! If I got picked up for peeing in an alley off of Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, this guy should get picked up for peeing in front of America. The defense rests.

After giving his notes a final glance, Ben stands up and walks towards the jury.

Ben: In a perfect world, Nate is right.  Certainly it isn’t ideal for my client to urinate in front of America, especially with such a god fearing Tebow loving crowd watching at home.  But here’s the thing…sometimes you just got to go.  Like right now.  I’m on the verge of pissing myself because of prudes like Nate!

A few jurors cringe.  Ben paces faster than usual.

If this was a repeat offense, I’d understand Nate’s point.  If Mr. Novak was constantly chugging XL slushies from the local 7-11 on the sidelines and was late for extra points because he had his dick in his hand wizzing everywhere, I’d understand Nate’s point.  And yes, I’m bringing back the term wizzing!

He fist bumps a juror.

But this is obviously a special circumstance.  Of course you want your players to urinate at half time, and I’m sure he did.  But some people just have smaller bladders than others and sometimes you have to pee in a situation that is inopportune to say the least.  Here’s a question I want you to kick around, “what was the alternative for Nick?”  Honestly, what was he supposed to do?  Sprint back to the locker room and possibly not be available in a key spot for his team?  Kickers get enough grief already.  If he would have done that the defense would be trying him for another crime entirely.  Was he supposed to hold it and potentially sustain long term damage?  Was he supposed to piss in his pants?  Why isn’t there a porta-potty on the sideline anyway?  And why isn’t there one in this god damn court room!?!

I’m not saying this has to get carried away.  We don’t need female soccer players squatting into a cooler or whatever…

A few of the creepier jurors perk up.

But Nick Novak was stuck in a unique situation, and he did the best thing for his team and his long term health.  To compare this to a kid on a road trip would be irresponsible and disingenuous.  Don’t let the prosecution’s hatred of homeless people and children cloud this issue!  The defense rests.   

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The jury may now deliberate in the comments section.

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by | November 18, 2011 · 12:11 pm

The Trial of Matt Leinart

Sometime in the middle of the Houston’s route of the Bucs last week, sports writers everywhere high fived themselves as they started to formulate a plan to declare the Texans the new trendy pick to win the AFC.  Matt Schaub was looking dependable even without Andre Johnson, they were running for a gazillion (estimate) yards per game, and the defense was considered one of the league’s best.

Then on Monday came the grim news that Matt Schaub was done for the year.  Analysts have been scrambling ever since to debate whether or not Matt Leinart will be able to have success in this offense.  Today the former USC QB is charged with six counts of “probably gonna ruin this awesome season, dude”.  The DA also tried to convict him of “having soft hair, like girl” but it was thrown out.  The prosecution is headed up by Ben Van Iten, and Nathan Raby has the defense.  The attorney’s closing statements have been recorded by our court reporter, and are displayed below.

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Ben stands up from his chair, and slowly walks towards the juror’s box.  He spends a few moments individually winking at every single juror.  A woman in the front row clutches the spot in her pocket where she normally keeps her pepper spray.

Ben: Good morning members of the jury.  I’m going to tell you a story.  As a young man I worked at an insurance company, where I processed policies.  One day I called in sick, and some of my workload had to go to a lesser experienced member of the team.  He was put in a position to succeed.  He had my kickass notes, months of training, and a support group around him.  But alas he still managed to screw up several policies.  Years later I think he committed vehicular manslaughter, hit a family or something.

The jury gasps.

That’s not related.

Ben begins to pace back and forth.

I know what Nate is planning on saying: Matt Leinart doesn’t have to do that much.  He just has to hand the ball off to Arian Foster and Ben Tate.  Throw some dump off passes.  Occasionally throw up a jump ball to Andre Johnson.  It sounds easy enough, yeah?  Well I’m afraid it’s not.  I don’t care how good your running game is, if you are a one dimensional football team defensive coordinators are able to take that away.  Certainly Foster will get his yards, but Matt is going to get stuck in several situations every game where everyone knows that he has to throw.  He’s going to have to step up in the pocket with the pass rush coming, and deliver a strike with the defense in his face and I don’t think he can do it.

If he couldn’t do it in Arizona with Fitz and Bolden, what has changed?  The experts want to tell you about how three hours before each game that he and the assistants work on his foot work.  They want to show clips of him making a few throws in the pre-season.  WELL AS SURE AS MY NAME IS NOT BENJAMIN BUMPERNICKEL THIS ISN’T THE PRE-SEASON, SON!

Ben stomps his foot for effect.  One juror begins to sob.

Matt Leinart is one of those guys who is going to get several shots during the course of his career because he seems like a proto-typical QB.  But he just doesn’t have “it”.  I don’t think he can read an NFL defense.  Now I’m not saying that the Texans aren’t going to make the playoffs.  They might even win their crappy division with 9 wins.  But on the road against Pittsburgh in January, when it’s third and ten and the offense can’t even hear themselves think, you going to place your money on an inconsistent golden boy “game manager” from California?

I don’t think so.  Say goodbye to your Super Bowl aspirations, Texans.  And for the love of god someone make Matt Leinart apologize to that poor guy with the tattoo.  The prosecution rests.

Nate brushes past Ben and gives him an intentional bump with his shoulder. The jury gasps as Nate smiles at them and shuffles the papers he is holding.

Nate: So Nate is going to tell you that he doesn’t have to do much, right? Damn, I keep forgetting to lock my office so Ben doesn’t sneak in and steal my notes. Fine. We’ll do this one off the top of my head.

Nate throws the papers in the air. Two pages land on the Judge’s desk. One of these papers reads, “BEN VAN ITEN SUCKS.” The other is a take-out menu for China Star II.

Football is a team sport, respectable jurors. And while the quarterback is the most important position, there are countless examples of teams doing well even without a star quarterback. I could say Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson, but I’m sure you would just laugh at me.

They do.

So instead I’ll offer a more recent example. May I direct your attention to the career of Mark Sanchez. Another former USC quarterback with more modeling talent than football talent. And yet for the past two years, the Jets were in the AFC Title game. They were at one point leading by 11 points against the Colts for the right to go to the Super Bowl and lose to the Saints! Now if you look at the Jets’ performance this year, you will see that their record is paltry and their chances of making the playoffs are not great. Last night they lost to the Denver Broncos, bringing them down to .500. However, and it may sound hard to believe, Sanchez’s stats are just as good, if not better, than they ever have been. He’s completing a higher percentage of passes, and he has four more touchdowns than interceptions.

So what changed?

The team changed. The defense changed. Whereas the Jets were 1st in points allowed in 2009 and 6th in 2010, they are currently 16th. Their running game, which had been top of the league in 2009 and top 5 in 2010, is currently 24th. So with a top running game and a top defense, Mark Sanchez’s many flaws were hidden, and the Jets prospered.

Stats are fun! Want to look at more?

The jurors nod.

Matt Leinart’s longest tenure of quarterbacking was in 2006, when he started 11 games for the Cardinals. His record was 4-7. But let’s look at the team, shall we? Arizona was 29th in points allowed and 30th in rushing. Before he got injured the next year, he was playing for a team that would end up ranking 27th and 29th in those same categories. So while his play was not spectacular, the play around him wasn’t that good either.

But this is a different story in Houston. Houston is 2nd in points allowed and 3rd in total rushing yards. They have the personnel to keep opposing offenses off the field and opposing defenses on it. And while Matt Schaub is undoubtedly a better quarterback than Leinart, he isn’t one of the elite players. But he has still led this team – this pretty good team – to a division lead and, until his unfortunate injury, one of the best records in the AFC.

Even if all of those pretty stats weren’t true, there’s one thing different about Leinart now and Leinart in Arizona: he has sat. He has been humbled. He has been told that he isn’t good enough. So now, after seeing how Matt Schaub ran this offense the right way, he is given another chance. And because it’s on a good team, he is going to succeed. What is success? Well, for a team like Houston, who’s never had it, success is a playoff win. Success is not being blown out at home. I don’t know if they’ll make the Super Bowl, but I don’t think their chances are gone. What helps you win football games? Defense. Running. And the occasional throw to Andre Johnson. No matter the arm throwing that ball, the Texans have a team that can win. Defense rests.

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The jurors can deliberate in the comments section.

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by | November 2, 2011 · 8:51 am

On Trial: The Prevent Defense

There are few terms in football that make a fan wince more than “prevent defense”.  If you polled a hundred fans, you might not find one that agrees with the use of this dreaded strategy.  After years of outcry, blown games, busted spreads, and broken hearts the prevent defense must finally answer for its crimes against humanity in our court.  Today it is charged with “preventing your team from winning”.  The prosecution is headed up by Nathan Raby, and Ben Van Iten will be handling the defense.

Below you will find the transcript of the attorney’s closing statements as documented by our court reporter.

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Nate: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.  Do you remember NFL Gameday 99?  You don’t?  Wow, do I feel sorry for you. Best sports game ever, in my opinion!  The Phil Simms commentary, the graphical glitches, playing the Saints with Billy Joe Tolliver under center.  It was a marvelous piece of gamecraft.  Anyway, in this game, I often played against my brother, who was older and a bit more savvy than me. And since I know nothing about football…

He stops and thinks, then laughs.

Mike Nolan trying to blend in when the angry mob comes for him

Knew.  Knew nothing about football! I’m clearly an expert now.  Anyway, I knew nothing about football, so I picked the one play on defense that made the most sense to me.  Prevent. It made sense, right?  I wanted to prevent my brother from scoring.  So naturally I selected it every time.  My brother quickly found that a run to the outside would leave me without any way to stop him, as my linebackers and safeties were back in coverage and my corners were busy becoming a weird glob of color with the wide receivers.  My brother ran up the score, and for the longest time I never learned.

Now, you may be asking yourself what this has to do with the actual prevent defense.  After all, defensive schemes aren’t run by a fifteen year old, are they? WELL YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME, MIKE NOLAN!  Because two weeks ago, that is EXACTLY what the Miami Dolphins did for the last 4 minutes of the game. Up by 15 points, which for all intents and purposes should be enough of a cushion in the final fifteenth of a football game, the Dolphins used the prevent defense. Against Tim Tebow.

If you will recall our previous trial, ladies and gentlemen, we have established that Tim Tebow is a slightly more effective quarterback than Gumby.  If it wasn’t proven last week, it was certainly proven against the Detroit Lions.  Like the week before, Tebow looked horrible for 56 minutes.  Against the Lions looked horrible for the last 4 as well.

But for those 4 minutes inMiami, Tim Tebow looked like a young Danny Wuerffel.  He looked like a superstar.  He actually completed some passes.  And it wasn’t just because his receivers made great plays.  It wasn’t just because Tebow was feeding off of the energy of the crowd.  It was because the Dolphins were using the prevent defense.  And while Denver didn’t run around the edge like my brother did, they exploited it for 15 points in 3 minutes. Ladies and gentlemen, the prevent defense made Tim Tebow look good. THE PROSECUTION RESTS.

Ben rises from his chair and surveys the court room.

Ben: Your honor, let the record reflect that I only play Madden football.  And I am very good at it.

He casually flips Nate the bird as he approaches the juror’s box.

Now I know what you’re thinking, this scum bag here is actually going to defend the prevent defense?  The most maligned strategy in the history of pro sports? Well, I was there when no one would defend Kyle Orton’s grotesque neck beard!  That’s just the kind of phony defense attorney I am.  Every one and every defensive scheme has a right to a fair trial; it says that in the constitution!  And the more I researched this case, the more I realized that I was on the right side of things.  A lot of what you heard from Nate is true.  The Miami Dolphins did play a prevent defense against Tim Tebow, and that plucky rascal burned it for 15 points in four minutes.  Do you know what else the Miami Dolphins did earlier in that game?  They ran plays out of the I-formation that didn’t work.  Why not scrap that too?  Curtis Painter sucked at the no-huddle offense, so I guess we should just remove that from everyone’s game plan?  The point I’m making here is like any scheme in football, there is a right way to do it and a wrong way.  Let’s say you are playing an explosive offense like the Green Bay Packers.

Nate rolls his eyes.

Say you are up by ten points with 3 minutes left, what are you going to do…play man to man with no safety help and blitz a bunch?  You’re not, because that would be suicide.  The last thing in the world you’d want to do is give Rodgers a chance to make it a one score game without taking up any of the clock.  You are going to give up some big plays to him during the course of the game because you can’t always guard the whole field, but you can’t give up those plays when that’s their only chance to win!  New scenario.  You’re up by a touchdown against the Steelers late and they are on their own 20 yard line.  If Mike Wallace gets behind your defense in that spot, someone might very well lose their job.  Why?  Because its inexcuseable.

Is the prevent defense too lax sometimes?  Of course it is.  Are some defense coordinators spineless?  Of course they are.  But my client has probably saved tons of games, we’d just never think of it that way.  Offenses have a much greater chance of making big plays against a base defense, not even the prosecution can dispute that.  Instead of hating my client, an upstanding member of the defensive community, we should be asking ourselves why some coordinators don’t understand situational football.  Some QBs can’t do anything with pressure, so you blitz them.  Some signal callers will inevitably get impatient and go for the home run when its not there, so you sit back and let them make a mistake late in the game and tighten up as they get closer to the end zone.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I hope the ramblings of drunk football fans, concussed announcers, and the hate mongering prosecution will not “prevent” you from making the correct decision.  Holy crap that line owned.  The defense of the defense rests!

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The jury may now deliberate in the comments section.

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by | October 26, 2011 · 4:08 pm

The Trial of Tim Tebow

It’s hard to turn on any NFL related programming without coming across the name Tim Tebow.  Whether you love him or hate him, its impossible to deny that he is one of the most compelling stories in all of football.  You may have heard the talking heads debate his potential for weeks, but you have not seen the issue settled in our prestigious (and quite possibly fictional) court.  Today the former Heisman trophy winner stands trial on the charges of being “an inevitable bust” and “not that good.”  Your prosecuting attorney is Ben Van Iten, and Lester Zook is handling the defense.

These are the transcripts of their closing statements, captured by our court reporter.

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Looking good for court

Ben: Hello members of the jury.  And may I say that you are all looking quite well today!  And rational.  Yes, very rational.  Look, there are a lot of people out there that hate Tim Tebow for no good reason.  I can assure you that this is not me.  If I had a daughter, I’d slip him her digits with a note that says, “Dude, go for it.”  He seems like a fine young man with a good head on his shoulders.  Christians like him because he doesn’t shy away from his faith, and SEC fans would die for him because they are all crazy people!  But that is not what we are here to talk about today.  Tim Tebow just isn’t that good, ladies and gentlemen.  His throwing mechanics are dreadful, his arm strength is average, and compared to some other QBs in this league…he’s not even that fast.

Now Lester, bless his heart, is going to walk up here and tell you about his intangibles and the furious comebacks that he has lead in his last couple outings.  In both of these scenarios the defenses were up multiple scores and in a relaxed scheme where a lot of QBs would have had success.  But look at the start of the Dolphins game, where Tim actually had to face pressure.  It didn’t go all that well.  In the preseason, not only did he fail to beat out Kyle Orton for the starting QB job, but he did not even earn the number two spot.  That went to an even bigger bust, Brady Quinn.  This is not to say that I don’t think that he should be playing right now.  The Broncos have to find out what they have.  I just don’t think they have that much, and time will only vindicate my position.  The pro bowl QBs in this league can drop back in an obvious passing situation, and consistently burn a defense.  I just don’t think Tim is that guy, or ever will be.

And while I don’t irrationally hate Tebow, I do irrationally dislike John Elway quite a bit and wouldn’t be disappointed if that franchise lost every game for the next ten years.

Ben removes his suit to display a Packers jersey.

I WAS BUT A BOY FOR SUPER BOWL XXXII!  JUST A HEART BROKEN BOY!  WE COULD HAVE HAD A DYNASTY YOU HORSE FACED…

He is escorted from the court room, kicking and screaming, while Lester watches patiently.

Lester: Well, I’m not sure how I can follow that up. We have an admittedly biased Packers fan leading the charge against Tim Tebow. You’d think that Mr. Van Iten would have a good idea of what a “good” quarterback would look like as he’s been able to watch Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers win the Super Bowl. What Mr. Van Iten didn’t mention is that even the “great” quarterbacks in the NFL have flaws in their game, especially early in their career. Brett Favre? He was viewed as reckless and over-aggressive.  Drew Brees? Too short. Even the greatest quarterback of all time, Peyton Manning, had scouts questioning his arm strength and his ability to win the big game.

Lester stands from behind his table, adjusting his royal blue tie adorned with little white horse shoes, as he walks over and stands before the jury.

What have we seen out of Mr. Tebow? Poor mechanics, sloppy footwork, and he doesn’t have a cannon for an arm. The differences in skill between Michael Vick and Tim Tebow are not all that far apart…well, outside of the arm strength. Like Mr. Van Iten said, everyone here is a rational and logical individual. How can we condemn Tim Tebow after thirteen games? Thirteen career games! Last season he played in nine games and started a handful of them under a coach who loved to throw the ball. Thirteen games under two different offensive coordinators and head coaches. Sure, his throwing motion isn’t the best looking. Neither is Phillip Rivers. His arm isn’t all that strong. Man, I think Joe Montana heard that one before. Oh yeah, his footwork is terrible. Well, did you know people thought Peyton Manning’s footwork was a little too choppy when he came out of college? Given time, and those intangibles Tim brings to the table, wouldn’t it be safe to say that we, and the Denver Broncos, can expect improvement?

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The jury may now deliberate in the comments section.

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