I’ve really tried to avoid this all year. I knew that when it eventually happened, it would just come off as a fan of a division rival hating. In fact, I’ll double categorize this as Haters Gonna Hate too, just for full disclosure.
But I can’t ignore it anymore. We have to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant who is built more like a mountain lion/gazelle hybrid. The elephant who is a Panther. The elephant who was an Auburn Tiger.
Sorry, I confused myself with too many animals.
Your favorite player is Cam Newton, and your favorite player sucks.
“So hey, uh…what you doing after the game?”
We here at The Footbawl Blog hate the offseason. We attack it every chance we get. To us, it is like being dropped in a desert wasteland with no food, no water, and a cell phone that can only play the worst play in our team’s history over and over again.
But for some teams, the offseason is a wonderful time. It’s a place where expectations have not yet met reality, and fans and experts alike are allowed to rampantly speculate about how good or bad a team will be. For the most part, the expectations come true, and we can pat ourselves on the shoulder for our knowledge and insight.
In some cases, it can go very, very wrong, and that can be very, very bad.
So is the tale of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Continue reading
He won three Super Bowl rings and brought Boston football to prominence.
He has the most playoff wins of all time.
He’s etched his name in the record books with some of the best players to ever play the game.
He’s hated everywhere for his amazing life, his good looks, his supermodel wife and the fact that he wins all the time.
But today, Tom Brady has two things in common with me, a worthless snark-ass blogger. One, we’re both going to watch the Super Bowl rather than play in it. Two, we don’t look manly on waterslides.
Your Favorite Player is Tom Brady, and he sucks. Continue reading
Imagine you’re thirteen years old and it’s almost Christmas. You know the truth about Santa, but it’s still a very exciting time of year for you, because, hey, fuckin’ presents. Your mom tells you that money is tight this year, so you shouldn’t expect much more than a nice pair of socks. And you’re somewhat disappointed, but you’re old enough to understand that these things happen, and you’ve resigned yourself to socks. At least they’ll be a nice pair, right?
But then a week before Christmas, you’re in Wal*Mart with your mom and you go off to look at some movies. When you walk around trying to find your mom, you see her near the toy section with a big package she won’t let you see. And then you realize – sneaky mom! She was just playing a trick on you, and you’re going to get an awesome gift after all! Fuck socks!
So now it’s Christmas morning, and you can barely contain your excitement. You don’t see the big package under the tree, but you figure this is part of the trick; she’s going to bring it out when all the presents are unwrapped. But then, before you know it, no more presents are under the tree, and you’re holding a pair of stupid socks in your hand. And then you realize that present wasn’t for you, your mom was just being sneaky for no reason, and Christmas is a fucking joke because all you have is a smelly pair of socks.
This is what being a fan of the Oakland Raiders is like.
“What the fuck, mom?” (source: NFL.com)
Your Favorite Team is the Oakland Raiders, and they suck. Continue reading
Yesterday Nate filled in for me on my Monday morning overreaction piece, so today I’m going to take over for him on two of his usual Footbawl Blog duties: this feature, and laughing heartily at the Falcons.
Last night, as Nick Folk’s kick sailed through the uprights and Rex Ryan started doing his patented jiggly fist pumps, the first thing I thought about was the Jets’ margin of victory. It was less than three points. At the end of the first half the opposing coach had a chance to take a virtually guaranteed three points. He didn’t do that. And why you ask?
Because your favorite coach is Mike Smith…and he fucking sucks.
“Way to overcome adversity guys! And by that I mean…me.”
Mike Smith doesn’t suck simply because of the sequence at the end of the first half, or because they lost in the end, he sucks because he has all the restraint of me playing Madden after bar time hammered off my ass. He is one of those coaches, like Andy Reid and Mike McCarthy for instance, that while they might have great football minds…really have a tendency to make inexplicably bad decisions in key situations. Mike Smith sucks because last night wasn’t an isolated incident. Let’s turn back the clock a bit, shall we? Continue reading