I Suck At Fantasy Football: Weeks 1-3 Recap

Here to report on the first three weeks of his fantasy team is Matt K. His first article, where he drafted his team, can be found here. So, Matt, how did you do?

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Three weeks in, and I have no idea what’s going on. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I know that the team I drafted is performing better than I expected them to, but I’m not sure whether it’s because they’re actually decent or just really good at faking it. It may also be the fact that, so far at least, none of them have committed atrocities in their off-season lives. Yet.

Here comes a breakdown. Continue reading

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Your Favorite Player Sucks: Josh McCown

We here at The Footbawl Blog hate the offseason. We attack it every chance we get. To us, it is like being dropped in a desert wasteland with no food, no water, and a cell phone that can only play the worst play in our team’s history over and over again.

But for some teams, the offseason is a wonderful time. It’s a place where expectations have not yet met reality, and fans and experts alike are allowed to rampantly speculate about how good or bad a team will be. For the most part, the expectations come true, and we can pat ourselves on the shoulder for our knowledge and insight.

In some cases, it can go very, very wrong, and that can be very, very bad.

So is the tale of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Continue reading

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The REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL Story of How Mark Ingram Broke His Hand

Sunday, September 14, 2014. The offensive players are gathered in a huddle in the Saints locker room. The mood is decidedly sober after a second straight last-second loss. Drew Brees tries to rally the troops.

Brees: It’s okay, guys. We were close in both games. We’ll get over the hump soon.

None of the players look up.

Brees: Next week we’re in the dome, we’ve got the Vikings, and I’m sure they’ll do something stupid like activate Peterson and deactivate him the next day. Things will be fine. As long as Mark keeps running the way he has been, we’ll be fine. You’ve been killing it, man.

Ingram: Thanks, Drew.

Brees: We’ll be fine. Right guys?

Pierre Thomas shrugs.

Brees: I mean, come on guys. We’re not going to go 0-16.

Jimmy Graham looks up suddenly, then just nods.

Graham: You’re right, Drew. It’ll be fine. Thanks for picking us up. GO SAINTS!

All: GO SAINTS!

Mark Ingram starts to walk away, but Jimmy grabs him.

Graham: Hold up, Mark. You haven’t touched your Gatorade. I’m sure you’re tired from carrying the team on your back.

Ingram: Haha, thanks man.

Ingram grabs the Gatorade and sips, then suddenly drops the cup.

Ingram: What’s going on? I feel…

He passes out on the floor. Continue reading

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Jonathan Dwyer: “Take that Rice and Peterson, I beat up a woman AND a child!”

Well, I'm just going to go out on a limb and assume this guy is a piece of shit

Well, I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume this guy is a piece of shit

…allegedly.

Anyway, in case you missed it, the NFL’s nightmare continues. Except it isn’t the NFL’s nightmare as much as the nightmare of ANYONE WHO HAPPENS TO KNOW A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER. They very well might beat the ever loving shit out of you.

Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegations of assault. The victims in question are his wife and child, because of course they are. The Cardinals deactivated Dwyer immediately, not really because they give a shit as much as he is a back up and also the Vikings set a precedent.

The latter is the same reason that the Panthers’ Greg Hardy was deactivated yesterday. Just think about that for a moment: being convicted of abusing and threatening to murder his ex-girlfriend will not keep you out of games, but “well, the Vikings did it, so…yeah” will.

Tune in tomorrow when a Titans running back chops off a woman’s head and eats it.

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Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice: “We Did Horrible Things To Show That Straight NFL Players Can Cause Distractions Too”

Source: ESPN

Source: ESPN

In a joint statement Wednesday afternoon, running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson announced that their actions this season marked great strides in support of homosexual defensive lineman Michael Sam. “We wanted to prove that gay people aren’t the only ones that can cause distractions for football teams,” the statement said, “and I think by our awful actions we have successfully done that.” Continue reading

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