The Trial of Jim Schwartz

During training camp former Lions defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz told some of his Bills players that if they were victorious over Detroit this season that he wanted to be carried off the field. Everyone had a good laugh, because he can’t be serious right?

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Well then.

As you can imagine this caused its share of controversy, outrage, and abandoned cars being set on fire. Never change, Detroit. But perhaps the biggest of Schwartz’s problems is being dragged before the Footbawl Blog’s highly reputable courtroom. He is being charged with four counts of being a big time jackass. Benjamin Van Iten is the prosecuting attorney, and Nathan Raby will be handling the defense. The judge, as always, is a creepy mannequin because that’s the sort of budget we’re working with here.

The jury…IS YOU! Continue reading

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Drew Brees’ Performance: Injury, Decline, or Space Aliens?

Lost in the Saints’ 37-31 overtime victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was how subpar Drew Brees played. Well, it was probably lost to most other fans. It certainly wasn’t lost to the Who Dat Nation, who are probably doing something stupid like advocating a tank for Mariotta right now (spoiler alert: they’re definitely doing it). The fact is, Brees hasn’t looked like Breesus this year. Through five games, he’s thrown nine touchdowns and six interceptions, which isn’t exactly Geno Smith bad, but it isn’t what you expect of a possible Top 10 All-Time Quarterback.

Whenever these inconsistencies in play arise, it’s natural for people to try and find an explanation. Well look no further, Saints fans! I’ve compiled the evidence for and against the three most likely explanations to Brees’ poor performance thus far: injury, decline, or space aliens? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Five

"Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!"

“Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!”

“The ketchup packets are the offensive players, and the mustard packets are the defense,” you explain as calmly as you can.

“Why…why are you doing this!?!” he yells, lip quivering in terror.

“It’s best not to ask that question. It’s best not to think about the why. It’s best to only think about the how.”

“The how?”

“Yes, how are you going to design a successful screen pass! Cause that’s the only way you’re leaving! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

So many have tried. So many have failed. So many of their families still search for them.

Oh yeah, this is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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I Suck at Fantasy Football: Week 4 Recap

Our good buddy Matt K is continuing the harrowing adventure that is his first fantasy football league. If you want to get caught up, click here.

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It’s 10:50pm pacific. I, a temporarily-displaced Bostonian, sit in my San Francisco hotel room with a text editor docked small in the corner of my screen while Parts Unknown plays behind it on Netflix. My body is still on east coast time, and I’m fighting to keep my eyes open. I have no idea why. I’d like to say this is my first stop on a cross-country tour wherein I find the members of my fantasy team and whine at them until they understand what a fuck-awful position they’re putting me in, but that’s not true. Instead I’m simply at a conference, which is the kind of thing that gets you a bazillion points for Stevie Johnson’s fantasy work team.

"BLUE! 42! FUCK MATT FOR NOT BELIEVING IN ME! HIKE!"

“BLUE! 42! FUCK MATT FOR NOT BELIEVING IN ME! HIKE!”

Part 1, In Which Our Hero Makes a Reasonably Good Quarterback Decision

Last week I made a joke about how I would have to start Joe Flacco as my punishment for being a New Englander who drafted Peyton Manning. That night, as I was laying in bed about to fall asleep, I was hit with the realization that Baltimore was playing against Fucking Carolina, meaning I couldn’t start both Flacco and the Panthers and expect any sort of point gain. The two would offset each other, I thought. I should get a different quarterback, I reasoned.

The available players on the waiver wire with a point projection higher than ten were Teddy Bridgewater and Jake Locker. Here’s a thought, does anyone refer to him as Hurt Locker? If not, is that a thing that we can do? I feel like that should be a thing. Somewhat related, this exchange happened last week:

Nate: “TEDDY THROWSEVELT!”

Me: “Is that his nickname?”

Nate: “It is now.”

I picked up Bridgewater – sorry, Throwsevelt, and moved Flacco to my bench. Then I overthought things and figured the Panthers might suck out loud again (spoiler alert: hahahahahahahaha kill me) so I picked up the Steelers D as well.

After registering at the conference on Sunday I moved back to my hotel room and spent the day watching whatever games were available. And, for the first time all season, I was That Guy who keeps a browser tab open displaying his team, refreshing it like a psychopath to see what changed. I cringed in horror as Flacco put on A Show, scoring 25 points on my bench. The Panthers? We’ll get to them. Oh, yes we will. We will deal with those fuckers shortly.

Throwsevelt didn’t find the end zone as often as Flacco did, but goddammit did he ever live up to that name. He put up a very strong 22, largely by heaving the ball to anyone in a purple jersey that he could find, ending the day with something like a hundred million yards passing. Then he was carted off the field on one of those golf carts, because Vikings aren’t allowed to have nice things. Still, I suppose it’s better than being put out to sea on a flaming ship. I suspect his injury had something to do with Loki and/or Frost Giants. These are Norse mythology jokes.

Part 2, In Which the Carolina Panthers Are Tried for War Crimes

I have a simple message for you, Carolina, and it is this:

swirlyfingers

I mean, I honestly don’t know what else to say here. I’m reluctant to drop them from my team on the chance that they remember how to play football again, but the thought of starting them at this point is about as sexy as a plane crash.

Thanks to Dave Parsons for the animated GIF, though. Man that thing is radical.

Part 3, Wherein Fuck Everyone, Man, Seriously

Seeing as I’m still in San Francisco I’ve started to think that it might be worth it to have a litle chat with Vernon Davis. I figure this isn’t that far out of the realm of possibility, since given the amount of injuries he’s accrued over the last few weeks it’s a fair bet he wouldn’t be able to outrun me (and I could always just sit on him, if it really came down to it). Starting him was a decision I was uneasy about, but I did it anyway and then watched the 49ers/Eagles game wondering whether he was ever going to catch anything ever again. Then he left the game. I flipped off my television. Middle fingers, I mean, pressed right against the screen.

For his insolence Harry Douglas is no longer with us. What was I even thinking there anyway?

In the end I was obliterated 99 to 77, which is fine. Looking at my alternatives (aside from “draft better, asshole”) the best I could have done was 90 points, and even that wouldn’t have been enough. I’m projected to put up 101 this week against an opponent projected to score 59, and who currently has players with a bye week in his starting lineup, so as long as I can continue to pound on the folks who auto-drafted and then vanished I should do well enough to get a playoff spot. And really, that’s all I want: to fuck up a serious player’s fantasy season.

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Hey, NFL, These Changes Will Make Your Football Fields Look Awesome!

Today NBA writer Zach Lowe posted this tweet revealing the New Orleans Pelicans’ brand new innovative court design.

It’s awesome! Rather than just pick a team color like most NBA teams do, they decided to put their badass murder death bird logo in the entire court. It’s loud and it’s different. Couple this with Cleveland’s new court design featuring the Cleveland skyline (no word on how many abandoned buildings will be in the design), and it’s clear that the NBA is dedicated to taking creative strides to keep things interesting.

NFL, it’s your turn to step up! Continue reading

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