Let’s Just Stop Doubting the Niners, Okay?

In the tumultuous world of football, there are very few things you can predict, and even fewer things you can guarantee. So many moving parts make it hard to know exactly what you’re going to get every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday (Jesus, football is on too many days.) And it makes sense that we try to find information to help us on this impossible quest to determine the future in the NFL. But sometimes that overeagerness can be problematic.

What does that vestigial paragraph have to do with anything? Probably nothing. I’ve had too much coffee this morning.

But what it really means is the San Francisco 49ers are a good team, and they will be for a while, and we should probably just shut the fuck up about their weaknesses, k? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Six

"Goddamn it!" - basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

“Goddamn it!” – basically every fantasy football owner after finding out that someone else got Branden Oliver

They said you couldn’t do it.

They said you couldn’t contain the run and shoot offense.

Well, then what are the 1993 Houston Oilers doing in your garage, bound and gagged? Hold still, Webster Slaughter. It will only hurt for a moment.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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The Trial of Jim Schwartz

During training camp former Lions defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz told some of his Bills players that if they were victorious over Detroit this season that he wanted to be carried off the field. Everyone had a good laugh, because he can’t be serious right?

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Well then.

As you can imagine this caused its share of controversy, outrage, and abandoned cars being set on fire. Never change, Detroit. But perhaps the biggest of Schwartz’s problems is being dragged before the Footbawl Blog’s highly reputable courtroom. He is being charged with four counts of being a big time jackass. Benjamin Van Iten is the prosecuting attorney, and Nathan Raby will be handling the defense. The judge, as always, is a creepy mannequin because that’s the sort of budget we’re working with here.

The jury…IS YOU! Continue reading

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Drew Brees’ Performance: Injury, Decline, or Space Aliens?

Lost in the Saints’ 37-31 overtime victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was how subpar Drew Brees played. Well, it was probably lost to most other fans. It certainly wasn’t lost to the Who Dat Nation, who are probably doing something stupid like advocating a tank for Mariotta right now (spoiler alert: they’re definitely doing it). The fact is, Brees hasn’t looked like Breesus this year. Through five games, he’s thrown nine touchdowns and six interceptions, which isn’t exactly Geno Smith bad, but it isn’t what you expect of a possible Top 10 All-Time Quarterback.

Whenever these inconsistencies in play arise, it’s natural for people to try and find an explanation. Well look no further, Saints fans! I’ve compiled the evidence for and against the three most likely explanations to Brees’ poor performance thus far: injury, decline, or space aliens? Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Five

"Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!"

“Thank you Detroit, my experience coaching here helped me realize that I should never really be in charge of stuff ever again!”

“The ketchup packets are the offensive players, and the mustard packets are the defense,” you explain as calmly as you can.

“Why…why are you doing this!?!” he yells, lip quivering in terror.

“It’s best not to ask that question. It’s best not to think about the why. It’s best to only think about the how.”

“The how?”

“Yes, how are you going to design a successful screen pass! Cause that’s the only way you’re leaving! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

So many have tried. So many have failed. So many of their families still search for them.

Oh yeah, this is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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