I don’t often feel bad for division rivals. Not for the players anyway, what with their fancy cars and their top hats and prostitutes-on-call. But I do have sympathy for the modern Detroit Lions fan.
Few teams in the league have what the Lions have from a personnel standpoint, yet there are also few teams with such imbeciles in charge of managing these players. Adding Reggie Bush to the mix gave them a new dual-threat at running back, but that didn’t exactly fix their overall inconsistencies.
This looked like it was going to be the year for the Lions once Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler went down for extended periods. Like fate was finally turning in their favor. So how did the team take advantage of that good fortune? By rallying the troops and heroically losing the last four games of the season.
Nine wins would have sealed the deal in the NFC North. But that was asking too much of the Blue Kittycats, apparently. Insert Jim Schwartz’ retarded smirk here.
Nobody that smiles like that should be allowed to coach anything.
Now look away! Dear god, Look away! We are about to seriously discuss the Lions. Continue reading
Need an explanation why their season sucked? Look no further! (photo credit: ESPN.com)
You have to make a choice: Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel, or Josh Freeman? WHO DO YOU CHOOSE?
If your answer is “GARGH,” because you’re trying to kill yourself by swallowing your shoe, then DING DING DING you win! Step right up, because you’ve just won an all-expenses-paid prison sentence to a franchise as stable as its stadium.
Welcome to Minnesota. We hope you survive.
It’s not hard to see where it all went wrong with the Vikings, just look at anyone not named ‘Adrian Peterson’ or ‘Cordarrelle Patterson’ and you have your answer. Losing Harrison Smith, Erin Henderson and other players to injury and/or bad decision kept the Minnesota defense at the bottom of the pack. And when your top receiver, old ass Greg Jennings, only amasses 800 yards in a season, there’s obviously something wrong with your passing game.
But let’s stick to the script and take a gander at the team’s few notable moments last season. Continue reading
“They told me if the Texans didn’t make the playoffs we’d be fine.”
If the Bengals had a season like this a few years ago it would have been considered a major success.
Unfortunately, due to the very nature of time itself, it is not “a few years ago”. It is right now. And right now the Bengals and their fans have to feel a little frustrated. After losing in the wild card round the two previous years on the road, a division title and a home playoff game seemed to be exactly what the doctor ordered. Well, that doctor should be sued for malpractice because their first round performance against the Chargers was even more dreadful than the last few seasons’ playoff losses.
The roster is still young and talented, but windows in the NFL tend to close faster than you’d think. Despite all their talent, this will still be a team that enters next season as an oxymoron: a defending division champ with an inferiority complex to most of the teams in their division.
This is the 2013 Cincinnati Bengals retrospective. Continue reading
That moment during every post-game press conference when he forgets about the loss, and remember his contract.
Forehead slaps. Deep sighs. And conspiracy theories of NFL revenue contributing to Roger Goodell’s top-secret weather machine sending snowstorms to interrupt even more games.
Welcome to Baltimore.
Consistency is hard to come by in the League, but it’s far from impossible. The Ravens aren’t strangers to it; less than 20 years old, they’ve won two Super Bowls and have been to the playoffs more times than not. That’s why it’s so damn surprising to see the defending champions fall off how they did in 2013. Bust out your finest toothed comb, we gonna figure out how they done fucked up.
This is the 2013 Ravens Retrospective. Continue reading
Introducing your 2013 rapey bumble bees!
An 0-4 start? A no-huddle offense? A second straight 8-8 year? Who are these guys?
Early on, the Steelers’ 2013 looked uncharacteristically destined to be a total nightmare. Veteran center Maurkice Pouncey’s knee imploded something like five minutes into the season, and the team came out of those first four games in worse shape than they’d been in 40-plus years. Yet somehow on the final Sunday of the regular season, there they were, still fighting for an actual playoff spot. Seems like you can get away with anything in the AFC lately.
Pittsburgh was a far different .500 team than Jerry Jones’ merry band of idiots I covered last week. While being on the verge of irrelevance isn’t normally a phrase found in the team’s vocabulary, their season didn’t end on a terrible note, as they finished 6-2 in the second half and had a lot of young players step up.
I really hate upsides and optimism when it comes to sports, but oh man, we’re going to have to deal with some of that bullshit here.
This is the Pittsburgh Steelers’ team retrospective. Continue reading