Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Eleven

The phone rings a second time. A third. You wait for him to pick up, but with every ring it’s clearer and clearer he won’t.

“Pick up, pick up,” you plead softly anyway, your voice rising above a whisper. “Please, come on.”

But after a few more rings, the answering machine picks up. You sigh, hang up, and try to call again, but the officer jams his thumb on the switch.

“You’re done,” the guard mutters.

“Can I call one more time?”

“You only get one call, and you’ve tried six times. Don’t you have anyone else you can call?”

You shake your head slowly and he leads you back to the holding cell. As you shuffle back to confinement, you can only say the same words over and over.

“Why won’t you pick up, Matt Stafford? Why are you letting me down?”

This is Monday Morning  Jerkface.

***

Hail to the God this joke is awful Continue reading

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Jimmy Graham Doesn’t Like Getting Groped on TD Celebrations, and We Have a Solution!

You may have heard Saints tight end Jimmy Graham went into the stands after a touchdown last Sunday, and one of the Black and Gold faithful got a little…friendly with him.

Naturally that bothered Jimmy, and so he plans on never jumping into the Superdome stands again. And we love Jimmy (even though he’s a Bond villain), but I think he’s being a little dramatic here. But no fear, Jimmy: we here at the Footbawl Blog have developed a legal uniform add-on that will allow you to score and mingle with your fans in peace!

VOILA! (Credit to Leon P)

VOILA!
(Credit to Leon P)

Just be sure to thank us in your postgame, buddy.

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Free Agent Receivers: Pay Them, Test Free Agency, or Fire Them Into the Sun With a Cannon?

Wide receiver is one of the most glamorous positions in football, and so it’s obvious that receivers get a lot of attention, particularly those whose contracts are running out. And all you need to do is look at the Carolina Panthers or New York Jets to realize how important the position is to success. This offseason, there will be a lot of receivers looking to get a big payday. So we’re going to look at a few names and decide whether they deserve to get paid by their team, allowed to test free agency, or fired into the sun by a cannon. Continue reading

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Your Favorite Player Sucks: Cam Newton

I’ve really tried to avoid this all year. I knew that when it eventually happened, it would just come off as a fan of a division rival hating. In fact, I’ll double categorize this as Haters Gonna Hate too, just for full disclosure.

But I can’t ignore it anymore. We have to deal with the elephant in the room. The elephant who is built more like a mountain lion/gazelle hybrid. The elephant who is a Panther. The elephant who was an Auburn Tiger.

Sorry, I confused myself with too many animals.

Your favorite player is Cam Newton, and your favorite player sucks.

"So hey, uh...what you doing after the game?" (Source: ESPN)

“So hey, uh…what you doing after the game?”
(Source: ESPN)

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On Offensive Pass Interference

"Push Him Off" - a Taylor Swift/JImmy Graham collaboration!

“Push Him Off” – a Taylor Swift/Jimmy Graham collaboration!

I saw the flicker of orange out of the corner of my eye, and even if my brain couldn’t fully register what it was, I knew on a subconscious level. I knew not to even make a noise when Jimmy Graham came down with the football at the end of regulation in the Saints’ contest against the 49ers on Sunday. I knew it wasn’t going to count.

I wouldn’t call it bad officiating, per se. But I wouldn’t call it good officiating either. Continue reading

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