Monday Morning Jerkface: Week Three

“First down,” you mumble to yourself, sprinting down the street with a football. Ten yards later, you say it again. And again. And again. And again.

That guy in the skinny jeans, he isn’t even trying to tackle you. Is it poor coaching, or does he just have bad fundamentals? It’s hard to say. You spin past the woman with all the horses on her shirt. She will likely be benched. Only 16,234 yards to go until you have the rushing record. Your friend is behind you , screaming something about how you’re not in the NFL and you’re out of your goddamn mind. Don’t listen to them. All you have to think about is how you’re going to get past the zany pizza joint mascot with the sign.

Ah, the stiff arm. Nice choice.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface.

“And then I was like…coach, it’s me, Brandon Weeden. Why are we passing?”

The most Jason Garrett shit ever

Put yourself in the shoes of Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett: you start the second half with a double digit lead, you have been running the ball successfully with multiple backs, and your quarterback is Brandon Weeden. What would you do? Continue reading

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The Week 3 Freak-out Index!

Calm down, buddy.

Calm down, buddy.

“It is never too early in the season to overreact” – the first commandment of the football blogger’s bible.

Some teams are 2-0. They’re sitting in a hot tub, reading the morning paper, being hand fed strawberries by European models. There are other teams, however, that are not so fortunate. Some teams are 0-2, and they are smoking three cigarettes at the same time with blood shot eyes and messy hair.

Ladies and gentlemen it’s the first ever Footbawl Blog Freak-out Index! I will be rating, on a scale from 1 to 10, the level that each of the below teams should be freaking out. If your miserable shitty team wasn’t included, I apologize. In case that isn’t clear enough, there will be pop culture clips. Basically this is all a poorly disguised excuse to show a video of Nicholas Cage screaming. Continue reading

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A Tale of Two Rookies; Or, the New Orleans Saints Suck Elephant Balls

For the sake of this story, let’s just take the Drew Brees injury and toss it right out the window. Just pretend it never happened. If you’re a Saints fan I bet you’re already doing that anyway. So keep drinking and keep ignoring reality. As a New Orleanian, I can attest to how easy that is!

As any high schooler can tell you, there are a few things you need to have when running an experiment. You have to have a hypothesis, or idea you can test. We’ll get to that in a second.

You also have to have variables. Different situations you create to see if your hypothesis holds up. Our variables are going to be two rookie quarterbacks: Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota. We’re going to judge their performance over the past two weeks and see if it supports our hypothesis.

You need a control too. I don’t think we have one of those. Or maybe the quarterbacks are the control. Look, I haven’t taken a science class in a long time, okay? Point is, we’re going to look at the two rookies and see if our hypothesis is true. Our hypothesis?

The New Orleans Saints suck Elephant Balls.

Yeah, Sean's not gonna like this.

Yeah, Sean’s not gonna like this.

Okay, let’s begin! Continue reading

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Monday Morning Jerkface: Week 2

It just struck noon and you’re sitting on your couch, cold beer in hand. You look around and see the destruction of last night’s wedding celebration: torn suits, countless beer bottles, something in the corner that may or may not be the neighbor’s cat. Your friends are rolling around as if auditioning for a role in The Walking Dead. They look at your smiling face.

“How are you not hungover?” They gasp.

“Didn’t drink at the wedding. Had to prepare for today.” You eagerly take a gulp.

“Are you serious? How do you endure a wedding sober?”

You laugh and finish chugging your beer, then pull another two beers out of the cooler sitting on your lap. “The better question is how do you endure Sundays with a hangover?”

They fall over in a pool of vomit and you cringe, knowing their Sunday will be your Monday. But you press on, finishing your third beer of the commercial break. You belch heartily and laugh at the talking gecko. Geckos are funny.

This is Monday Morning Jerkface. Continue reading

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Look at what NFL Teams Got Me For My Birthday!

September 16th may not be a national holiday, but it sure as hell is one at the Footbawl Blog Offices. It’s my birthday, and to celebrate I told the entire office they could take the day off. Of course, I had to call Ben to let him know because he didn’t come in anyway (something about watching Jay Cutler’s interception on repeat with a bottle of Fireball).

Anyway, I’m a bit of a workaholic, so I decided to come into the office anyway. And imagine my surprise when I saw: I’m not the only one to remember my birthday this year! Several NFL franchises remembered too, and they sent me some great gifts! Let’s go over them: Continue reading

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