2013 Team Retrospective: The Denver Broncos

Yuck it up, horseface.

Yuck it up, horseface.

I hate the term bittersweet because it should be reserved solely for poetry about unicorns and paperback novels with shirtless Ben Van Iten-looking gods on the cover. For sports exclusively, I would like to coin the term “shittycool” instead.

It was certainly cool that the Broncos made a record-smashing run through the regular season, and cool that Peyton Manning answered all questions regarding his ability to play as a withered old man coming off neck surgery. But then, it was also supremely shitty that what was looking like the definition of a dream season for the franchise came to a skull-crushing halt in one of the most lopsided Super Bowl losses in history.

The very, very thin silver lining of the defeat was that the game was already (mercifully) over before halftime and frankly, the Seahawks looked so goddamned good in every aspect, no one team would have beat them that day.

So this right here is your Denver Broncos shittycool retrospective. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Kansas City Chiefs

For a weird, confusing, and somewhat sexually charged time, the Kansas City Chiefs were the best team in football.

It seemed nearly impossible, given their 2-14 record a year ago, but the Chiefs’ dominating defense and “get it done juuuuuust enough” offense propelled them to 9 straight wins out the gate. Jamaal Charles was beasting, Justin Houston was a force to be reckoned with, and Andy Reid looked really, really great in red (hence the sexually charged thing).

He's insatiable.

He’s insatiable.

But after an impeccable first half of the season, things stopped going the Chiefs’ way. They were swept by the Broncos and the Chargers (thank God for the Raiders, amirite?) They lost in overtime to the Chargers in Week 17. And then the playoffs. God, THE PLAYOFFS. I’ll stop here, because I don’t want to spoil the Team Lowlight section. You’ll never guess!

The season ended early for the Chiefs, but there was enough optimism that none of the Arrowhead faithful jumped off the stadium yet. But there’s still time.

This is the Chiefs retrospective. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The San Diego Chargers

The San Diego Chargers were a surprising breath of fresh air this season. A decent team in the middling AFC pack, the Chargers got a little bit of luck in their Week 17 overtime win against the Chiefs and found themselves in the playoffs.

Despite inconsistent play and being stuck in the same division as two of the best teams in the NFL, the Chargers rallied behind new coach Mike McCoy and Comeback Player of the Year Philip Rivers, who bounced back from one of the worst years of his career.

But for all the praise he gets, he still manages to fuck up in ways entirely unique to him. Like this gem to end the game against the Titans in Week 3:

"Well, fuck this game"

“Well, fuck this game”

This is your 2013 Chargers retrospective. Continue reading

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Oakland Raiders

"See you again in two years when I'm in this same room...being fired." (photo credit: espn.com)

“See you again in two years when I’m in this same room…being fired.” (photo credit: espn.com)

When I think of the Oakland Raiders, I don’t think of a touchdown pass or any play in particular. I don’t think of their Super Bowl Championships or hall of fame players.

No, the images that are stuck in my head are of the most recent past: Desmond Howard and Larry Brown given huge contracts after winning Super Bowl MVPs, a revolving door of crappy head coaches, trading away what seemed like eighty six draft picks for Carson Palmer, etc.

For a good portion of my life the Raiders have been a non-factor in the AFC…or even worse, a joke. So even this season, when I would argue that they made strides, I still have a hard time feeling optimistic for Raiders’ fans. At any moment the ghost of Al Davis could be reborn, and trade away the future of the franchise for Michael Vick.

Get out your Jeff Hostetler highlight reels and a box of Kleenex, this is your 2013 Raiders Retrospective.

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2013 Team Retrospective: The Carolina Panthers

My best friend is a Panthers fan. In some reality, they were not plagued by the playoff bye week. They continued with the momentum that propelled them throughout the regular season, past the San Francisco 49ers.

They defeated the Seahawks in a rematch from Week 1. And they had a shootout with the Broncos in a wholly satisfying Super Bowl, in which fans on both sides took pride in the fact that their team gave it their all despite the outcome.

But this is Earth Prime, where Carolina fucked up when it mattered most. And it sucks to say it because they were one of the most entertaining teams to watch that didn’t have Peyton Manning on the team, because the Panthers were good on all sides of the football.

One loss, and all of that hard work is as useful as a baggy Magnum. Playoffs are unforgiving. But it all began somewhere…

"Names are funny. You're Captain even though you're a football player. I'm Ron even though I'm an overrated coach."

“Names are funny. You’re Captain even though you’re a football player. I’m Ron even though I’m an overrated coach.”

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