Tag Archives: 2011 Team Retrospectives

by | April 6, 2012 · 12:36 pm

Team Retrospective: San Francisco 49ers

My friends and I had a saying: “No one squawks louder before a season, and shuts up faster when it starts, than a 49ers fan.”

Oh, what a difference a Harbaugh can make.

Despite having a frustrating string of seasons recently, the San Francisco 49ers have had the makings of being a fantastic team for a while and so it should come as no surprise that they finally came together for a successful year. They’ve suffered injuries and nothing but confusion at quarterback. There’s been multiple coaching changes. All this, plus a plethora of bad attitudes from some (not-so) star players.

After 2010’s hilarious downward spiral, complete with Troy Smith and Mike Singletary’s sideline meltdown (gotta love Ginn shoving the rag in his face), new GM Trent Baalke landed a giant with the signing of Harbaugh. While management touted Singletary as the hard-nosed coach to rein in San Fran’s many gregarious personalities, it was Jim Harbaugh who rallied the troops and finally instilled some confidence in Alex Smith. Baalke’s turnaround of the organization earned him some street cred, and the first-year GM was named Executive of the Year by Pro Football Writers of America.

The 49ers were the surprise of the season. They quickly became the team to beat, and their heartbreaking overtime loss to the Giants in the NFC Championship could have gone either way. And though they didn’t have the league’s toughest schedule (being in the NFC West tends to help out), none of the four games they lost were to teams with records under .500 (Cowboys, Ravens, Cardinals, Giants). It’s a good time to hop on a San Fran trolley. It’s a good time to be a fan of the 49ers. It’s a good time… for retrospection.

Fuck you, Clementine

Team Highlight: Despite not making it to the Super Bowl, for the 49ers to make such a drastic improvement over the span of a year and to play in the NFC Championship is a major accomplishment. But it’s the game before that, when Greg Williams was reportedly attempting to manslaughter the entire 49ers roster in the divisional wildcard game against the New Orleans Saints, when Alex Smith took Drew Brees head on in the last three minutes. The 49ers had a one-score lead, when Brees hit Darren Sproles across the middle and took it 40 yards for a TD. The Saints go up one. What does Alex Smith do? HE RUNS THAT BITCH IN AND REGAINS THE LEAD. But oh no, the Saints responded and Brees just hit Jimmy Graham for a 60-yard score and they’re up by three with only two minutes left! YOU BUMBLEFUCK, you should have known not to leave Alex Smith with that much time! The dude SNORTS pressure on the daily, as everybody knows, and it came as no surprise when hit Vernon Davis right between the ‘8’ and ‘5,’ putting the 49ers up 36-34 with 9 seconds left, and ultimately sending them to the NFC title game.

Team Lowlight: Poor Kyle Williams. Much like Lee Evans took a lot of blame for the Patriots’ loss to the Giants, the young WR Williams (my alma mater! GO ASU!!!!!! kills self) was returning a punt in OT. Unfortunately, he fumbled when he was hit by Jacquian Williams, the Giants recovered up the field, and so the story goes. It was a heartbreaking moment for the 49ers. For a team that executed so well, that played such complete football on all ends of the field, to lose their shot at the rings over a tragic is nothing short of sad. The 49ers might have been the most fun team to watch in 2011, but even one crucial mistake can end the season. Say what you will about how much teams might have targeted Williams, but the kid has a history of screwing up in big moments.

That mother fucker is coming for YOU.

Team MVP: Despite the fact that he’s gone unmentioned so far, if you thought this award would go to anyone other than Patrick Willis, well, you’re fucking crazy. Sure Smith finally became a quarterback, and he had a bad case of V.D. that kept him in the game, but Willis is the best inside linebacker in the game. The 49ers had the best run defense in the league last year, largely due to Willis large frame, his quick feet and cuts, and his physical play. The guy plows right through the middle and disrupts plays right at the line. And though he didn’t play in three games, he still recorded an impressive 97 tackles and forced the ball loose four times. He can improved his pass rushing this year, getting his hand on the ball and even recording an interception. Inside linebackers are allowed to do that!?

Needs: Shit, this is hard to gauge, because the team was arguably more complete than any other last season. Their O-line needs a bolster at right guard after Adam Snyder departed to Arizona. They could draft an outside linebacker to put more pressure quarterback play. Maybe a back-up for Frank Gore, who is bound to sit at least a game or two per season. And their receivers are finally starting to flesh out after the disappointments of Ted Ginn and Michael Crabtree. Signing Manningham and Moss might be risky, but considering Vernon Davis, Crabtree, and Ginn as the punt returner, plus the resurgence of Alex Smith, this team’s offense suddenly looks scary.

How does a 49ers fan celebrate Gay Pride?:

With silver nipples and a glitter whip. Oh yeah.

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

FUCK YEAH. A MOTHER FUCKING TEN.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I don’t think the 49ers are going to the Super Bowl. No, I think this is the beginning of their ‘Jets run.’ See, they’ll be hyped up in the off season, maybe they’ll be on Hard Knocks. They’ll be clear favorites, especially among their own players, who will go on any media outlet that will have them and they will bitch about not getting respect and how much they deserve the Super Bowl. Then they’ll lose and Jim Harbaugh will whine about his brother and promise everyone that they’ll be back the next year. And then Jim Harbaugh, Alex and Justin Smith will sign a deal with Pepsi Max and they’ll forget all about playing football. The end.

Editor’s Note: FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKING RETROSPECTIVES ARE FUCKING DONE! TIME TO WRITE SOME REAL FOOTBALL ARTICLES. Like…uh…hm. What’s Tebow doing this week?

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by | March 30, 2012 · 11:57 am

Team Retrospective: Denver Broncos

Editor’s note: Joe’s Charger piece is being held up due to an unfortunate photoshop greasefire incident. We will post it as soon we can. In its stead, I present today’s planned piece on the Broncos.

“Awwww, the Denver Broncos?”

Simpsons fans remember this ending to one of the better episodes, “You Only Move Twice.” It’s a fun episode filled with jokes, but the only one that matters to us is when Homer is awarded an NFL team – not the Dallas Cowboys that he wanted, but the Denver Broncos. When he expresses his disappointment (as quoted above, complete with extra w’s), Marge tells him that owning any team is good. To which Homer famously replies:

"You just don't understand football, Marge."

Well, yeah, the point of this intro is that Peyton Manning came to town and made Homer look silly.

Of course, we don’t know that; there are still a ton of questions. No one knows if Peyton Manning can still play as well as he did before the 62 neck surgeries performed last year. We also don’t know if the Denver defense is going to be dominant, as they were for stretches of the season, or dormant, as they were when they faced any decent offense. We don’t know if the Chargers will be stronger this year, if the Raiders will actually live up to their potential, or if the Chiefs are going to get better.

But we do know that the Denver Broncos are going to be an exciting story again this year, and this time it might actually be because they’re talented enough to win a championship! But you can’t move forward without acknowledging the past. This is the Denver Broncos retrospective.

Rumor has it the most recent Broncos logo was designed to reflect Elway's mammoth neck. I wonder if they'll create a new, abnormally sized head logo for Manning.

Team Highlight: The Broncos had gotten a playoff berth, which had in some way validated Tim Tebow’s play at quarterback all season long. If they had lost to the Steelers, as was widely predicted, no one would have been too harsh on them (except for all of the Tebow haters who would have probably drunk a lot and had wonton abortions in celebration). But that’s not what happened. What happened was Tim Tebow actually played like an NFL quarterback, and they beat the Steelers on the first play in overtime. Tebow threw for over 300 yards and two scores, and the Tebow supporters made the Tebow haters eat crow. This lasted a week, of course, until the Patriots sodomized the Broncos. But enough with lowlight spoilers!

Team Lowlight: There were more than a few lowlights for the Broncos season, but I am picking their playoff loss because it poked holes in a lot of people’s theories about the Denver Broncos. Everyone with a microphone shouted to the heavens about how the Broncos were winning with their great defense. But then Tom Brady descended from the heavens to lead an offensive outburst all over the Broncos. They gave up 45 points and 509 totals yards to the Patriots offense, and the Broncos only put up 252 in response. And for anyone wanting to do quarterback comparisons, Tom Brady threw for 363 yards and 6 touchdowns, while Tebow was 9 for 26 with 136 yards passing and no scores. But at least Tebow had one less interception than Brady. ADVANTAGE TEBOW!

Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Team MVP: Ugh. I really don’t want to say Tebow. But here’s the problem. McGahee had a great running output, but only got the in endzone 6 times, and fumbled 4 times. Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil were great defensively, but I don’t see either of them being the deciding factor on whether this team wins games. But we saw it with Tebow. They were 1-4 with Orton. And whatever the circumstances around it, Tebow came in and led them to the playoffs. There’s a good chance they wouldn’t have gotten there without him. So you have to make him the MVP. And then you have to cry yourself to sleep afterwards.

Needs: Well, they sure filled that hole at quarterback! But there are a lot of other needs too. The interior defensive line, for starters; after losing Broderick Bunkley to the Saints in free agency, they need someone who can plug the middle and allow Miller and Dumervil to do their work. On the offensive side of the ball, they could stand for an upgrade at center. Also, people make a big deal about Peyton Manning making his teammates better, and that’s probably true, but if you can grab some weapons at receiver or tight end in the draft, you better do it. Fun fact: the leading receiver for the Broncos last year was Eric Decker, with a whopping FORTY-FOUR receptions. Obviously a different guy was under center last year, but come on. That’s usually what Manning’s fullbacks catch in a season.

What a Broncos Fan is Drinking: Well last year it was Shirley Temples, but this year we can pile on the alcohol! Peyton Manning is your quarterback, Denver: it’s time to celebrate! And nothing says celebrations like margaritas! But orange ones because it’s the Broncos.

The big orange represents DJ Williams. The salt probably represents cocaine.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

Unless John Fox is running some sort of underground prostitution ring, I think the Broncos are going to be a scandal free team, unless Manning has a few bad games and all the “WE WANT HANIE” chants start.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I think they’re going to be good this year, assuming Manning can get it together. Manning has always been good at hiding problems with a team. The Broncos have some problems, but no more than the Colts did, and they won double digit games for over a decade. So that trend will continue, and I’m going with 11-5.

——-

Next week we take on the NFC West. And then we’re done with the retrospectives! DONE!

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by | March 27, 2012 · 7:27 am

Team Retrospective: Kansas City Chiefs

So, apparently we’ve got a Chiefs fan in our readership.

Hey Adam. You ready? I’d say “let’s have some fun,” but let’s be honest. We’re talking about the Chiefs; we know there won’t be any fun involved. So let’s just get into it.

The 2011 Chiefs were supposed to build on a very promising 2010 by not only winning the division, but winning it convincingly. They seemingly had all the tools to do it, starting with talented and underutilized running back Jamaal Charles.

You know how this story ends. Charles got hurt in the second game, and from there the Chiefs’ offense took a nosedive. And from that point on, everyone discovered what every smart football fan already knew; that Todd Haley was a product of Ken Whisenhunt’s system, and he just wasn’t very good at all. Even though the Chiefs battled back from three straight losses to be 4-3 after Week 8, they couldn’t consistently put points on the scoreboard to win games.

More than any other team, I blame the Chiefs for the Broncos rise to the playoffs, because this was supposed to be the Chiefs’ division to win. And I’ll never forgive you for that, Adam.

This is the Chiefs 2011 retrospecitve.

The less offensive version of the Redskins! (But still, you know, kind of offensive)

Team Highlight: I really wanted to say the 28-0 win over the Raiders, which was impressive. They forced 6 interceptions and basically started the Raiders’ downturn on the season. But when a team comes into your city 13-0, and leaves 13-1, that’s going to be your best win. It may not have been an offensive explosion – in fact, the Chiefs only scored one touchdown – but they did what no other team was able to do last year in the regular season: they kept Aaron Rodgers in check. The MVP completed less than 50% of his passes, only threw for 235 yards, and was sacked 4 times. I remember that day fondly; it was the day I had to call Ben and tell him not to jump, because they’d still make the Super Bowl. Sorry for lying, Ben!

Team Lowlight: I should put losing to Tim Tebow here. But 6 other teams did that too, so instead I’ll focus on a somewhat less painful loss. In back to back weeks, the Chiefs were drubbed to start the season. They lost 48-3 in Week 2 to the Lions, where they gave up 6 turnovers and barely threw for 100 yards. But that was to a playoff team, so at least it was sort of understandable. The week before, they lost 41-7 to the Bills. TO THE BILLS. “But Nate,” you say, “The Bills looked legitimate at that time!” That’s a good point. Allow me a rebuttal: IT WAS THE BILLS.

"You want me to play quarterback too? It'd probably work out better than Tyler Palko."

Team MVP: Well it’s certainly not going to be anyone on the offense, that’s for sure. When you are 31st in the league in points and 27th in yards, there are a lot of words you can use to describe your players, but “valuable” ain’t one of ‘em. Instead I’m going on the other side of the ball. Pro Bowler Tamba Hali got 12 sacks, forced 4 fumbles, and pressured quarterbacks all season long. He anchored a defense that was actually pretty good. The Chiefs would actually be a great team if their offense was more than Dwayne Bowe and the 3-and-outs (which, by the way, is an excellent name for a 40s swing band.)

Needs: They need help on the pass rush, and maybe a inside linebacker that excels in the 3-4. They need a better offensive line. But more than anything, they need another playmaker somewhere on offense. Whether it’s Jamaal Charles coming back or a wide receiver to take pressure off of Bowe, they need SOMETHING that other teams have to gameplan for. Because right now it’s Bowe or bust, and last year it was much more bust than Bowe.

In their rush to get Todd Haley out of Kansas City, they didn't let him clear out his locker. This is what was left.

What’s in a Chiefs Fan’s Fridge: Last year it was certainly Nighttrain, because Chiefs fans needed something strong and cheap to take the edge off, and because Todd Haley looked like a smelly hobo. But this year, with Romeo Crennel classing things up a bit, maybe they’ll switch to Four Loko.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

Ugh, this fucking scale.

The Chiefs are boring. And I have to say, I fucking hate this scale. I miss the Straight Cash Homey Meter. I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, RANDY! YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BRING BALANCE TO THE FORCE, NOT LEAVE IT IN DARKNESS! YOU WERE MY BROTHER, RANDY! I LOVED YOU!

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: Who the hell knows? Manning being in the division changes a lot. I think the Chiefs will be a better team in 2012 than they were in 2011, but the schedule isn’t easy. Let’s say 6-10 with a possible 8-8 to aspire to.

Tomorrow Chris is going to cover the Oakland Raiders, the team that I will forever associate with Bubb Rubb. The whistles go wooo!

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by | March 22, 2012 · 7:20 am

Team Retrospective: Atlanta Falcons

We were sitting in the FBB office the other day, drinking beer and throwing darts at a Prince Fielder poster, when Ben came in with our retrospective assignments on the NFC South. I eagerly anticipated getting to write about the Saints, how they would overcome self-produced adversity and be the first team to play inside its own city for the Super Bowl.

Instead, I got a piece of paper with “Atlana Falcons” scrawled crudely in orange crayon.

“Ben,” I said, holding up the paper. “You do realize that I only genuinely hate one team in the entire NFL, and you’re asking me to do a retrospective on them, right?” And no lie, this was the face Ben gave me in response.

You're a mean one, BVI.

So it’s obvious he wants the hatred and extreme bias. So let’s get started. This is the Asshole Dumbfuck Herpes Birds Retrospective. (Atlanta Falcons)

Team Highlight: In Week 14, the Falcons went up against perhaps the best team in NFL history, the 4-8 Carolina Panthers. The Panthers were relentless in their offensive explosion, going up 23-7 in the first half against the clearly overmatched Falcons. Then, the Falcons rebounded in the second half with two interceptions against Cam Newton, who we all know is the greatest quarterback of our generation. They scored 24 points in the second half and asserted themselves as the dominant second best team in the division. It was clearly their best win of the season. Afterwards, Matt Ryan could be heard saying, “I can’t wait to rewatch this game on ESPN Classic.”

Team Lowlight: I really wanted to make fun of Mike Smith here. I wanted to bring up how he went for it on 4th and 1 against one of the worst run defenses in the league, and still got stuffed and lost. But somehow, losing 24-2 to the Giants is worse. Sure, the Giants won the Super Bowl, so they’re pretty impressive, but to not be able to score any points offensively? Yeah, that’s embarrassing. Also, I posit that it is more embarrassing to lose 24-2 than 24-0. Because if you lose 24-0, you get shut out completely. But 24-2? That just looks silly. It looks like a six-sevens park league basketball game, and the only points you scored were a layup at the end of regulation when nobody cared anymore.

FBB Reader Mike Atchison points out that Matt Ryan looks like Fire Marshall Bill. I don't disagree!

Team MVP: Matt Ryan was clearly the best player on the team. But we really have to end this “Matty Ice” nickname. It’s ridiculous. First of all, it’s a play on one of the worst beers ever. Second, find me someone named Matt (not that hard, there are like 10 of them starting as an NFL QB) who likes being called “Matty.” It’s probably the second worst “y” ending to a name (Nicky being the ultimate worst; Adam Sandler’s fault). Thirdly, it doesn’t even fit his persona. If I were to come up with an appropriate nickname for Matt Ryan, it’d be “Matty Will Never Lead Us To Greatness Because he’s Too Soft and He Needs to Comb His Fucking Hair.” Or “Fartlicker” for short.

Is that...is that a fucking rat tail?

Needs: The Falcons’ genius move in trading for Julio Jones leaves them with 5 picks in this draft. They need to spend it on offensive line help, a defensive end who can either get to the quarterback or push John Abraham in a wheelbarrow towards the quarterback, and a tight end to replace the bag of bones that is Tony Gonzalez. I also think they need a quarterback and a better coach, but I’m biased. They also need a new mascot. Who’s afraid of this guy?

Seriously, his feathers look like leaves.

What a Falcons Fan is Drinking: Urine.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

I think this year, Mike Smith will finally reveal he’s actually Steve Martin in (slight) disguise. Then he’s going to make all of the players dress up like Czech brothers and go out to a nightclub. At the nightclub, someone is going to make fun of Matt Ryan’s rat tail. Without warning, Julio Jones is going to produce a switchblade and stab the guy. In a panic, Julio and Matt Ryan are going to escape to an abandoned church. They dye Julio’s hair and read “Nothing Gold Can Stay” a few times until Julio decides he needs to turn himself in. Before he can, though, the abandoned church catches fire and Julio dies after trying to save a bunch of children inside (one of them Jacquizz Rodgers.) Then the Falcons lose to the Saints by 40.

I was going to make a joke, but I think it's more fitting to point out how much Matt Ryan looks like Ponyboy.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I’m going to attempt to be serious for the first time in this article. I hate the Falcons. A lot. But one of the reasons I hate them is because I know they can win the division, because they’re a pretty good team, and I don’t like that. I think the Saints can overcome all these punishments and compete for the division, but I think the Falcons have a pretty good shot at winning it. They’ll go 10-6 again, but this year that might be enough.

Tune in tomorrow as Ben covers the Saints! No, seriously, you better read it. I gave Jon Vilma your address.

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by | March 15, 2012 · 6:50 am

Team Retrospectives: Tennessee Titans

I don’t know what it is, but something about the Tennessee Titans makes them utterly forgettable to me. If you asked me to name the 32 teams in the NFL in less than a minute or be dropped into a shark tank, I’d be Samuel L. Jackson for sure, because they would be the one team I couldn’t name. They always seem to go under the radar every year, winning enough games to stay out of lottery contention, but not enough to actually matter. Even last year, they went 9-7, but barely were talked about in the final stretch of the season. Part of that probably lies with the domination of their division until recently by the Colts. But now, even with Manning leaving and the Colts reaching mid-90s level of terrible, another team has taken the mantle, leaving the Titans to languish in the background.

All of this could change; in fact, it could change as soon as today, if Peyton Manning decides to sign with the Titans after meeting with them all day yesterday (side note: I know they are trying to sign him, but I really couldn’t spend 8-10 hours with the same people all day. Maybe I’m just anti-social like that). And if Peyton does sign, and he is still as good as advertised, maybe I’ll remember who the Titans are. If not, Vince Young is still on the team, right? No? Oh. Dang.

This is the Tennessee Titans retrospective.

 

"Listen, I've got a great idea for a logo...let's take a picture of a thumbtack...and set it on FIRE."

Team Highlight: As I’m looking at their schedule from last year, it’s occurring to me why they are the Invisible Team to me. Out of their nine wins last year, they did beat three playoff teams. However, one was a division rival who had already wrapped up the division (and were being quarterbacked by Jake fucking Delhomme) and the second one was the Denver Broncos. So, by way of ho-hum elimination, the best win of the Titans season was their first, against the Baltimore Ravens. This was before the Ravens made it clear that “losing a letdown game after an exhilarating win” was on their Interests list on Facebook. The Titans forced 3 turnovers and Kenny Britt caught 9 passes for 135 yards and a score. So that was fairly impressive. It’s really sad, though, that in the Titans best win of the season, Chris Johnson’s longest gain from scrimmage was 7 yards. Ouch.

Team Lowlight: You don’t want to be the team to lose to a winless team. You especially don’t want to be the team that lets Donald Brown get 161 yards on the ground. And you REALLY don’t want to be the team that loses by two touchdowns while only allowing 287 total yards of offense. Yet, the Titans were all of those teams in one week, against the lowly Indianapolis Colts. The saddest thing is that the loss was the Titans’ 7th of the season, and if they had beaten the Colts, they would have made the playoffs. Now that’s the sort of tragedy that would even make Shakespeare go “Come on, man, that’s just sad.” Or something vaguely more Elizabethan.

Something I just discovered: it's very hard to find a picture of this man catching a football and not using his helmet to help the catch.

Team MVP: Again the problem is that no one shined on this team. No one player made me take notice. In fact, the only thing I really noticed looking at their stats was, “How the hell did Chris Johnson get a 1000 yard rushing season?” Then I saw that Nate Washington got 1000 yards receiving and 7 touchdowns, and I noticed his name is Nate. FINE! NATE WASHINGTON IS THE TEAM MVP!

Needs: Part of what I noticed when looking at the stats was that no one got a lot of sacks on this team. Obviously the dynamic pass rush that existed a few years ago is gone, and they need a top defensive end to get that back. It’s possible that they’ll find a prospect in the draft, but if they can get John Abraham as a stopgap until their pick gains experience, I’d go for it. Even with Finnegan gone, the secondary is okay, although they could use some help at safety. They resigned Jordan Babineaux, but I really don’t think he’s part of the solution.

What’s in a Titans fan’s Liquor Cabinet: This is easy. JD, baby.

Except not the real JD, because that would be too in-your-face and aggressive. So instead, they want something smooth and easy, something you probably won’t notice is there. So they’ll be drinking JD Honey, and I’ll be making fun of them behind their backs.

Secretly, though, I bet it's delicious.

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood:

 

It was requested I use Jango's helmet instead of his face, so here you go.

Like I said, Vince Young isn’t on the team. I don’t expect anyone to do anything stupid with Mike Munchak injecting each player with discipline shots. Chris Johnson can’t hold out for a second year in a row (although if there was a way, he’d probably figure out how to do it). So it should be a relatively quiet offseason in Nashville.

Entirely too Early Prediction for 2012: Here’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that Hasselbeck is really done. I’m afraid that Jake Locker isn’t ready. I’m afraid that the Colts will get better, the Jaguars will get better, and the Texans will stay good. I think Chris Johnson will have a good year, but I’m just not sure everything will come together for them. 8-8.

Tomorrow, Ben will cover the Texans to see if they can overcome the disastrous decision to cut Matt Leinart.

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