Tag Archives: Alex Smith

by | November 27, 2012 · 1:53 pm

A REAL and NOT FAKE AT ALL meeting between Alex Smith and the Benched Quarterback Club

Man, what a beautiful picture.

Superdome. Visiting team locker room. The 49ers have just defeated the Saints 31-21, and everyone is happy.

Well, almost everyone.

Alex Smith: Yeah, good job, man.

Colin Kaepernick: Thanks, man! I just feel so good about that game. We’re in the driver’s seat. Superbowl, baby! Woooo!

Smith: Yeah. Woo.

Alex sighs and looks down at the ground as he takes off his spotless jersey. Then, he looks at his phone and sees he has a new message.

Smith: “Lost your starting job and want to do something about it? Come to the warehouse on 5th street.”

Alex looks up in confusion. A reporter shoves a microphone in his face. Continue reading →

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by | October 19, 2012 · 10:18 am

Let’s End the Colin Kaepernick Experiment

By now we’re all pretty familiar with the eccentric genius that is Jim Harbaugh. He’s won a Coach of the Year award, successfully revitalized the 49ers franchise and Alex Smith’s career, and made the term “tough handshake” an NFL meme. Everyone understands that he’s smart, he’s fierce, and he’s dedicated to winning.

And apparently his superhero power is making other coaches make ridiculous faces

But there comes a point and time where a coach tries to be too smart for his own good, and we’re watching it unfold. I’m talking about the Colin Kaepernick experiment. Continue reading →

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by | April 6, 2012 · 12:36 pm

Team Retrospective: San Francisco 49ers

My friends and I had a saying: “No one squawks louder before a season, and shuts up faster when it starts, than a 49ers fan.”

Oh, what a difference a Harbaugh can make.

Despite having a frustrating string of seasons recently, the San Francisco 49ers have had the makings of being a fantastic team for a while and so it should come as no surprise that they finally came together for a successful year. They’ve suffered injuries and nothing but confusion at quarterback. There’s been multiple coaching changes. All this, plus a plethora of bad attitudes from some (not-so) star players.

After 2010’s hilarious downward spiral, complete with Troy Smith and Mike Singletary’s sideline meltdown (gotta love Ginn shoving the rag in his face), new GM Trent Baalke landed a giant with the signing of Harbaugh. While management touted Singletary as the hard-nosed coach to rein in San Fran’s many gregarious personalities, it was Jim Harbaugh who rallied the troops and finally instilled some confidence in Alex Smith. Baalke’s turnaround of the organization earned him some street cred, and the first-year GM was named Executive of the Year by Pro Football Writers of America.

The 49ers were the surprise of the season. They quickly became the team to beat, and their heartbreaking overtime loss to the Giants in the NFC Championship could have gone either way. And though they didn’t have the league’s toughest schedule (being in the NFC West tends to help out), none of the four games they lost were to teams with records under .500 (Cowboys, Ravens, Cardinals, Giants). It’s a good time to hop on a San Fran trolley. It’s a good time to be a fan of the 49ers. It’s a good time… for retrospection.

Fuck you, Clementine

Team Highlight: Despite not making it to the Super Bowl, for the 49ers to make such a drastic improvement over the span of a year and to play in the NFC Championship is a major accomplishment. But it’s the game before that, when Greg Williams was reportedly attempting to manslaughter the entire 49ers roster in the divisional wildcard game against the New Orleans Saints, when Alex Smith took Drew Brees head on in the last three minutes. The 49ers had a one-score lead, when Brees hit Darren Sproles across the middle and took it 40 yards for a TD. The Saints go up one. What does Alex Smith do? HE RUNS THAT BITCH IN AND REGAINS THE LEAD. But oh no, the Saints responded and Brees just hit Jimmy Graham for a 60-yard score and they’re up by three with only two minutes left! YOU BUMBLEFUCK, you should have known not to leave Alex Smith with that much time! The dude SNORTS pressure on the daily, as everybody knows, and it came as no surprise when hit Vernon Davis right between the ‘8’ and ‘5,’ putting the 49ers up 36-34 with 9 seconds left, and ultimately sending them to the NFC title game.

Team Lowlight: Poor Kyle Williams. Much like Lee Evans took a lot of blame for the Patriots’ loss to the Giants, the young WR Williams (my alma mater! GO ASU!!!!!! kills self) was returning a punt in OT. Unfortunately, he fumbled when he was hit by Jacquian Williams, the Giants recovered up the field, and so the story goes. It was a heartbreaking moment for the 49ers. For a team that executed so well, that played such complete football on all ends of the field, to lose their shot at the rings over a tragic is nothing short of sad. The 49ers might have been the most fun team to watch in 2011, but even one crucial mistake can end the season. Say what you will about how much teams might have targeted Williams, but the kid has a history of screwing up in big moments.

That mother fucker is coming for YOU.

Team MVP: Despite the fact that he’s gone unmentioned so far, if you thought this award would go to anyone other than Patrick Willis, well, you’re fucking crazy. Sure Smith finally became a quarterback, and he had a bad case of V.D. that kept him in the game, but Willis is the best inside linebacker in the game. The 49ers had the best run defense in the league last year, largely due to Willis large frame, his quick feet and cuts, and his physical play. The guy plows right through the middle and disrupts plays right at the line. And though he didn’t play in three games, he still recorded an impressive 97 tackles and forced the ball loose four times. He can improved his pass rushing this year, getting his hand on the ball and even recording an interception. Inside linebackers are allowed to do that!?

Needs: Shit, this is hard to gauge, because the team was arguably more complete than any other last season. Their O-line needs a bolster at right guard after Adam Snyder departed to Arizona. They could draft an outside linebacker to put more pressure quarterback play. Maybe a back-up for Frank Gore, who is bound to sit at least a game or two per season. And their receivers are finally starting to flesh out after the disappointments of Ted Ginn and Michael Crabtree. Signing Manningham and Moss might be risky, but considering Vernon Davis, Crabtree, and Ginn as the punt returner, plus the resurgence of Alex Smith, this team’s offense suddenly looks scary.

How does a 49ers fan celebrate Gay Pride?:

With silver nipples and a glitter whip. Oh yeah.

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

FUCK YEAH. A MOTHER FUCKING TEN.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I don’t think the 49ers are going to the Super Bowl. No, I think this is the beginning of their ‘Jets run.’ See, they’ll be hyped up in the off season, maybe they’ll be on Hard Knocks. They’ll be clear favorites, especially among their own players, who will go on any media outlet that will have them and they will bitch about not getting respect and how much they deserve the Super Bowl. Then they’ll lose and Jim Harbaugh will whine about his brother and promise everyone that they’ll be back the next year. And then Jim Harbaugh, Alex and Justin Smith will sign a deal with Pepsi Max and they’ll forget all about playing football. The end.

Editor’s Note: FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKING RETROSPECTIVES ARE FUCKING DONE! TIME TO WRITE SOME REAL FOOTBALL ARTICLES. Like…uh…hm. What’s Tebow doing this week?

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by | October 31, 2011 · 8:59 am

Monday Morning Jerkface: Week 8

With the Green Bay Packers, a team widely agreed upon as the best in the league, on their bye week it was a chance for a few teams to audition for number 2, or maybe even 1A.

They failed.

On the AFC side the New England Patriots came to Pittsburgh, a place they’ve had a lot of success over the years, and they looked like they had never seen a blitz before.  My personal belief is they were psyched out by Antonio Brown’s horrifying touchdown dance that might haunt me for the rest of my days.  I think the defense held up fairly well all things considered (and by all things, I mean they’re bad) but Tom Brady never had a rhythm.  By the time they got it going it was too late.  Chad Ochocinco is still a non-factor, and apparently is struggling “mightily” to pick up the offense.  What does it say about his football acumen if everyone else that comes into this organization seems to be able to step in and fit in almost immediately?  They sure could have used a few explosive plays from him yesterday.  In the Dallas game a few weeks ago he had seven snaps.  Seven!  Belichick, a unique motivator, could perhaps convince the scoreboard operators to display Chad’s stat line prominently for the entire game.

In the NFC, the Saints just plain shit the bed.  Then they got up and shit on the couch, and in the dining room.  Coming off of their 62 point outburst against the Colts it seemed that maybe this team was ready to settle into elite status and string some wins together.  Then they were more or less dominated by an abysmal Rams team.  No need to talk about this too much, as Nate is still in mourning. 

Still not sold

The second best team could be the Ravens or Steelers, but they have each laid a few eggs that I have a hard time forgetting, and I’d like to reserve judgment until they play each other next week.  There’s always the Lions but until further evidence is presented, they are still the Lions.  The 49ers only have one loss, but do you trust Alex Smith in a big game?  Me either.  I’m having a hard time trusting any of these teams, and an equally hard time writing them off.  Every time it seems like a team is left for dead (The Chiefs, Jets, Falcons, Eagles, etc) they suddenly look great.  This makes it frustrating for me, because as we all know bloggers like nothing more than overreacting and dramatically condemning teams!  But honestly, deciding who the second best team in football right now isn’t important.  It’s just something people like me talk about on Monday mornings.

Speaking of Detroit, Tony Scheffler was trending on twitter for a few minutes yesterday.  The reason?  After scoring a touchdown in Denver he started to go into a “Tebowing” pose, and then to top it off he and teammate Calvin Johnson did the Mile High Salute.  I really enjoy mockery being incorporated into touchdown celebrations.  Either the team you like is doing the mocking which is always fun, or they are being mocked which makes the next touchdown that they score even more satisfying.  By the time Dallas put some points on the board against the Eagles last night the game was already out of hand, but had they gotten into the end zone early I’m sure we all would have enjoyed it if Dez Bryant pretended to electrocute or drown a pound puppy!  No?  Oh, okay.

There have been a lot of 50+ yard field goals this season, and even the ones in the mid to high forties don’t seem to be an issue for a lot of kickers.  The NFL loves touchdowns and hates field goals, so with all the rule changes that have elevated scores over the years, will this ever be addressed?  I hope no one in the competition committee ever starts kicking around the idea that kicking has gotten too easy.  Its already one of the most thankless and stressful jobs in sports, and I wouldn’t want any of these guys to go nuts Ray Finkle style.  But not every kicker is making it look easy.  In fact if I were Olindo Mare I’d probably avoid Cam Newton this week.

Nothing brings out my inner jerk like bad announcing.  Here are a few instances from yesterday where I was audibly groaning:

-Matt Schaub steps back in the pocket and scans the defense for a bit, its to the point you can literally see him going through his progressions.  He then takes off for the rushing touchdown when no one is open.  Marv Albert calls it a designed QB draw.   Brilliant.

-John Lynch on Tim Tebow: “This is my analysis, and not a lot of people may agree, but I just think the kid has got a ton of heart but questionable mechanics may ultimately hinder his career.”  I like how he prefaces the quote with the appearance of controversy, and then literally repeats what 497 announcers have been squawking at all of us for weeks.

-Near the end of the Steelers/Patriots game, an odd play happened.  After a Tom Brady fumble Troy Polamalu intentionally punched the ball into New England’s end zone which lead to a safety.  This should have been a penalty, but the referees missed it.  Jim Nantz thinks this should be reviewed.  Phil Simms has to repeatedly explain to his colleague that you cannot challenge penalties and all they are reviewing is whether it’s a safety or a touchdown.  Jim never seemed to really understand the concept.

-So that mean Simms knows his stuff, right?  Haha, no.  Moments later Phil is blown away by how New England is lining up for their onside kick.  The kicker, my goodness, he’s going to punt this thing!  He acts like this is some seriously revolutionary shit.  Perhaps as an NFL announcer or player he had never seen a safety before.  Because the rules clearly state that you can’t use a tee to kickoff after this occurs.

-Watching NFL Network postgame coverage, doesn’t it just sound like Steve Mariucci is trying way too hard to be the NFL’s version of Dick Vitale?  Or does he take an adrenaline shot to the heart before every broadcast?

Oh, and just in case you didn’t stay up late enough to see this bit of insanity, Andy Reid was 2 for 2 in challenges last night.  Insert apocalypse joke here!  And then put something in the comments section.

Posted by Ben Van Iten

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