For the National Football League, Christmas is in April.
That’s when the NFL takes his 32 kids to the College Draft Toy Store, where every kid can find a few toys that they think will make them happier. There are a lot of factors into what toys will benefit the kids the most: fit, value, need, and sometimes even pressure from the kid’s surroundings. But at the end of the day, let’s face it: these are a bunch of kids playing with expensive toys. Something’s going to get broken, and someone is going to cry.
Here’s a transcription of the first hour of their toy store visit.
NFL: All right, kids, you know how this works. Each of you gets to choose one toy today, and then a few other toys tomorrow. But we all know that this first toy is really the only important one, so don’t mess your choice up. Indianapolis, you get to pick first this year.
Indianapolis is holding a toy in his hands very roughly. He keeps shaking it.
Indy: I want a quarterback toy!
NFL: But son, you already have a good quarterback toy.
Indy: No, this one sucks! It’s broken!
Indianapolis slams the toy down on the ground, and its head falls off. As Indy cries about his broken toy, his brother Denver rushes up and grabs the toy, then puts the head back on.
Denver: Still looks good to me. You have shitty taste in toys, Indy.
NFL: You cursed! I thought you were Christian!
Denver: I’m losing my religion.
With that said, Denver tosses another toy over his shoulder. It’s scooped up by New York J.
New York J: Praise Jesus, he didn’t break! It’s a miracle!
NFL: Okay, let’s get on with it. I’m assuming you want to go to the Stanford store, Indy?
Indy: Um, duh. It’s all I’ve been talking about for the past year.
Everyone: Yes, we know.
The group goes to the Stanford store, where the salesman is beaming.
Stanford: Hey guys. I got some really good toys this year. Really good ones.
Indy: You’ve only got one good toy.
Stanford: That’s not true. Look at these three other toys!
He sets out a guard model, a tackle model, and a tight end model. They’re all made of suspect quality. Standing next to the quarterback toy, they look vastly inferior.
Stanford: They would all work very well together. They’ve done it before!
Indy: But separately they suck.
New York G: I don’t know, I kind of like the tight end model…
Dallas: You always like the tight end model, gay boy.
New York G: Dad!
NFL: Stop it, kids. So Indy, are you going to get that one?
Indy: Yeah. With my first toy selection, I pick the Andrew Luck model!
For some reason, people start cheering. Indy takes a picture holding his new toy.
Indy: Its head is much smaller than my old model’s.
Washington: My turn! I’m so excited for this!
St. Louis: Oh, I know how excited you are. *laughs evilly*
Washington: Whatever, I’m not going to need all those toys in the future, because I’m getting the RG3 model!
A Donovan McNabb model comes out of nowhere.
McNabb: That’s not a smart move, guys. Washington doesn’t take good care of its toys, like it didn’t…
Washington: Shut the fuck up, Donovan. You were a shitty toy then and you’re shitty now. Nobody wants you. And that article that bonafide sports genius Nate Raby wrote about you is 100% accurate. Eat a dick and go away.
Donovan McNabb sighs.
McNabb: You guys are just haters. Remember, vote for me Hall of Fame 2017!
NFL: Okay, that’s two toys down…what about you, Minny?
Minnesota clears his throat and begins talking too loudly.
Minny: Man, I SURE WOULD HATE IT if someone tried to offer me something for my place in line! Yeah, I’D NEVER TAKE A DEAL LIKE THAT!
Everyone stands around in awkward silence.
Minny: Yup, I’m SUPER LOCKED IN on that USC tackle toy. Nope, wouldn’t consider ANYTHING ELSE!
Minny: WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANNA TRADE WITH ME?
Tampa: Because you’re the worst actor in the world and we know you just want Kalil, but you’re trying to get him and extra picks, and we don’t want to help you because we all hate you.
Minny: Is that true?
Minny: Even you, Dad?
NFL: Uh…just make your pick, son.
Minny: Fine. I pick…Morris Claiborne.
Tampa: SON OF A BITCH.
Minny: Haha! Serves you right for messing with me! I’m awesome! I’m the best! I’m…
Detroit: Still the worst team in our division.
Chicago: By far.
Green Bay: Not even close.
Atlanta: And we all still hate you.
Cleveland: My turn! Man, this is tough. After all, I have two main choices.
St. Louis: You really want Richardson.
Cleveland: You’re only saying that because you want the Blackmon model.
St. Louis: I’m also saying it because it makes perfect fucking sense. Your quarterback toy couldn’t throw it to a receiver toy if they were standing right next to each other. You want the running back toy. Just face it.
Cleveland: Oh all right. Give me the running back.
The Alabama salesman decides to be the first salesman to say anything in awhile.
Bama: We’ve got a lot of good defensive toys too for you other kids.
Dallas: Oooooh, I like that Barron toy.
Kansas City: I LIKE IT MORE!
NFL: Tampa? Your turn.
Tampa: Anyone want my pick?
Tampa: Why does no one want to trade up?
New York J: I want to!
Miami: No you don’t, you just want attention.
New York J: That’s true.
Seattle: Shut the fuck up, Miami, you have no room to talk, you’re just going to reach for a quarterback toy at 8.
Miami: You’re just mad he won’t be available at 12!
Tampa: No one wants to trade up? Really?
New England: grumble grumble grumble (translation: No way, we all just want to trade back.)
Jacksonville: Yeah, I want to trade back too.
Buffalo: And me.
Everyone watching: THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!
New Orleans: I know, seriously. Are we done yet?
New Orleans: Ugh. I fucking hate the draft store.
Oakland: Me too. At least you have some good toys already.
Oakland’s Carson Palmer toy throws three interceptions.