Tag Archives: GET A DAMN QUARTERBACK

Come on, Ben, it's not that...okay, yes. Yes. It's incredibly racist.

The Washington Redskins are proof that the saying “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true. Every offseason, we hear of the many moves they make, the money they’re willing to spend, and the high profile names they bring in to coach and to play. And because it’s been so long since the season, when we saw the Redskins fail in a hilarious manner, we start to convince ourselves that they’re on the turnaround this year. It’s even easier to do it with Shanahan as head coach, because he has the pedigree of a winner (to appease Ben and other notable readers: fuck John Elway. That is all.)

But then the season happens and they’re all like “LOL NOPE.” Because all the money, all the signings, all the hope in the world won’t matter when you have Rex Grossman leading your team. All right, Washington, let’s have some fun!

Fun fact: 40% of the Redskins wins came against 2011-12 Super Bowl Champions.

Team Highlight: I feel pretty confident in saying that every dress-wearing pig-nose’s favorite part of last season was when they went into the bye week going 3-1, including a notable win against the eventual Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. In fact, the Skins swept the Giants this year, which is impressive. If the Giants weren’t still bashing hookers over the head with the Lombardi Trophy, they’d probably really feel the sting of those two losses. For the Skins, though, it’s something they can hold onto if thinking about Grossman hurts too much (and it really should).

Team Lowlight: Much like the early winning was a highlight, the subsequent six game losing streak had to be the worst time to be a Redskins fan last year. Particularly bad was the 23-0 loss to Buffalo, who was getting ready to SHOCK THE WORLD in their epic collapse from 5-2 to 6-10. But on that day, Ryan was Fitzmagic again, and the Redskins were practically in the crowd. With 26 yards on the ground – TWENTY SIX! – and 178 total, that was a game that Redskins fans will want to forget.

Team MVP: I really just don’t know. I’m not trying to be funny or snarky, but no one really performed exceedingly well on the Redskins last year. Statistically, the best receiver was Jabar Gaffney, and I guess he filled in really well when Santana Moss was too hurt to put up his usual MONSTROUS production. So fine. We’ll go with Gaffney. But we won’t be happy about it, and neither should you.

Needs: The Redskins need a lot. They’re not terrible on defense; they’re middling to decent in both categories. They could use some run stoppers on the D Line, since they were towards the end of the pack in run defense. But their offense is a trainwreck, and I honestly don’t see anyone on offense who can’t be upgraded. The line needs a lot of work to get to Shanahan’s standards, and the receivers and backs are decent but not amazing. But obviously, and we cannot stress this enough, REX GROSSMAN IS THEIR STARTING QUARTERBACK. THIS IS A PROBLEM.

I'm trying not to beat a dead horse, but seriously, look at this guy. This is an NFL starting quarterback.

What’s in a Redskins’ fan’s fridge: Franzia.

Their website calls it "The World's Most Popular Wine." I call it "vomit juice."

See, Redskin fans want to be sophisticated since they’re in the nation’s capital. But the really nice wine that they’re saving for when the Redskins finally get off the shneid is probably going to stay in the wine cellar for a few more years. So until then, BRING ON THE BOX WINE.

Straight Cash Homey Meter:

"Grossman to Moss...dang, underthrown by six yards again!" - words every Redskins fan will wish they hadn't wished for.

I don’t think they’ll get him. I don’t even think there will be rumblings from Washington that they’re interested. But this is what I do know. He’s a big name, he’s running out of chances, and Dan Snyder loves spending money. It’s pretty much his favorite thing in the world. If Grossman is still the quarterback, this won’t happen. But if they get a competent guy, or maybe draft Robert Griffin III? You never know.

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: 6-10. Unless they make some dramatic changes on the offensive side of the ball, they’re going to struggle. They play the Steelers and Saints on the road, and of course they have to play the Super Bowl champs twice, and something tells me it won’t be a sweep this time around. But there’s good news, Skins fans! Maybe after another disappointing season, people will realize Shanahan isn’t actually all that special! And then you guys can bring in a coach like Cowher…who will probably go 6-10 the next year too.

SERIOUSLY. GET A QUARTERBACK.

Like this guy!