Tag Archives: Houston Texans

by | March 5, 2013 · 11:19 am

2012 Divisional Retrospectives: The AFC South

This week we’ll be covering the two South divisions. But before we do, a brief complaint: the re-alignment of divisions left Indianapolis in a very weird position. They went from being a not-so-eastern team in the East division to a not-so-southern team in the Southern division. It probably isn’t much of a disadvantage to them as far as traveling or anything, but it just kind of makes the map look weird.

The sophisticated cartography of the NFL

The sophisticated cartography of the NFL. We also kind of don’t know where Kansas City is.

Onward! Continue reading →

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by | May 29, 2012 · 12:14 pm

The Mystery of Mike Sims-Walker

Image courtesy of ESPN.com

Mike Sims-Walker is looking for something. It isn’t just a new team, and it isn’t a notary to change his name (cool side note: 1.6% of NFL players have hyphenated last names. Now there’s a way to impress your friends at the snooker table!)

No, Sims-Walker is looking for 2009 again. That year, he produced numbers that had many people convinced he was worth a sixth-round choice in fantasy football in 2010. Okay, maybe not many people. Maybe just me. In any case, his numbers dipped in 2010 and nearly disappeared in 2011.

But who cares, right? I mean, the struggles of a receiver from Central Florida aren’t particularly interesting unless you look at it in a certain way. So I prefer to look at it as an old time mystery requiring the services of a private eye.

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by | March 16, 2012 · 8:58 am

Team Retrospective: Houston Texans

This logo has been criticized for encouraging "steer graffiti"

I theorized a few different times this last season that the Houston Texans had been hexed by some kind of gypsy curse.

They lost their leading passer, rusher, receiver, and sack artist from the year before for at least a part of the season to injury.  When Matt Leinart had to take over for Matt Schaub after he was lost for the year, I remember being impressed with how Matt looked for the first half.  But that’s all the sample size we had because he was promptly lost for the year as well.  When the smoke had cleared we had T.J. Yates throwing the ball to Jacoby Jones…yeah, not exactly what Texan fans had envisioned at the start of the season.  Through it all, the team kept winning and eventually earned the first playoff birth in franchise history.  While Jim Harbaugh winning coach of the year seemed to be a forgone conclusion for much of the season, I don’t think people talked about Gary Kubiak for this award enough.  For goodness sake, he even lost his defensive coordinator for part of the season!  If we dig deep enough I have no doubt we’ll find that someone on the training staff missed a significant part of the season with a rare blood disease.

The Texans are already a sexy Super Bowl 47 pick going into 2012, and now it’s time to take a look at the season that gave birth to this optimism.  This is the Houston Texans Team Retrospective. 

Team Highlight: Going into week 7 the Texans had lost 3 out of 4 and looked like…well, the Texans.  They traveled to Tennessee to play the first place Titans and you’d have to excuse Houston fans if they didn’t feel all that optimistic.  This had been a team that had spent the last few years being hyped as a potential division winner before eventually losing almost every important game they had played.  What happened next was a 41-7 blowout that changed the landscape of the division.  Arian Foster had 234 total yards and 3 touchdowns, Matt Schaub passed for almost 300 yards and two scores, and this was all done without all-world wide receiver Andre Johnson.  As a side note I’m glad we throw the term all-world around, in case we ever have to play in some kind of space Olympics against aliens.  We’ll need to identify those guys quickly.

Team Lowlight: Usually when you lose in the playoffs it is the lowlight of the season, and this is no exception.  Watching their divisional round game unfold against the Ravens, you couldn’t help but think they wasted a great chance to win that game.  They outgained the Ravens on offense, and turned the ball over four times.  To make things worse the Ravens fumbled the ball three times and the Texans couldn’t come up with a single one of them.  They still only managed to lose by a single touchdown, which made people wonder aloud: if this team stayed healthy, how deep could they have gone? 

Why is he wearing my parents' couch?

Team MVP: In a day and age in the NFL when the narrative is slowly changing to, “running backs aren’t that important anymore” I would make the case that Arian Foster proves that there is an exception to most theories.  With over 1,200 yards rushing (dude missed a few games, keep in mind) and over 600 yards receiving, Arian impacted every aspect of the Texans offense.  It is a rare thing in today’s NFL to have a running back with break away speed that can also can be utilized on the goal line.  It is even rarer still that this same running back is a philosophy major and a poet.  If Arian can stay healthy he most likely continue to put up huge numbers, and most importantly give me a chance to bust out “Aryan Foster Kids” as my fantasy football team name. 

Needs: If most teams lost a defensive force like Mario Williams it would be a need that they’d have to address in free agency, but the Texans don’t really have that problem.  They are happy with their outside linebackers and with J.J. Watt coming on towards the end of the season the pass rush seems like it will be more than fine.  The primary need seems to be the offensive line as the Texans have cut right tackle Eric Winston, center Chris Myers appears to be flirting with the Packers and Titans, while guard Mike Brisiel is being courted by the Raiders.  Well, I’m out of corny dating analogies, let’s move on!

What’s in a Texan Fan’s liquor cabinet: It’s hard to say exactly, but I want a bottle of whatever the dude in the above photo was having the night he convinced himself to get this tattoo.

I'm onto you, Wade

Jango Scale of Scandal Likelihood: I don’t think the Texans will have any bounty scandals or anything like that, but it’s hard to put the meter at zero because I’ve always suspected that Wade Phillips is involved in some kind of crude human trafficking ring.  We’ll see if anything comes from my investigation!

Entirely Too Early Prediction for 2012: I’m going to say 12-4.  I don’t think the loss of Mario Williams is going to be that devastating, and the offense should be more consistent if Matt Schaub can stay healthy for the entire year.  Playing the Texans is like walking into a time warp where teams actually establish, and don’t give up on, the run.  I still think teams are caught off guard by how physical they are.  

Come back next week when we tackle the NFC South!

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by | January 13, 2012 · 12:17 pm

Guest Post: Why the Texans Will Win the Super Bowl

I had a pretty ambitious plan this week. I was going to find fans of every team remaining, and they were each going to write why their team was going to win. Then I was going to post them together in their respective matchups. “You’re so clever,” I told my reflection as I brushed my teeth. “This is one of your best ideas yet.”

But unfortunately, the plan didn’t turn out as I hoped. In fact, of the 8 teams, only one had a fan stand up for them. Clearly, this means the Houston Texans are going to win.

Texans fan Mike Jaynes writes a few words about his favorite team. If you like what you see here, follow him on twitter, where I’m sure there will be reactions to the playoff game this weekend. Take it away, Mike!

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Being a sports fan in Houston is, generally speaking, an exercise in heartbreak and disappointment. And sure, there are a lot of cities that can claim the same thing. And sure, we have our occasional moments – but for every ’94 and ’95 NBA championships, we have five years of being shackled to Yao Ming’s glass ankles. And how many cities the size of Houston have their NFL team simply shipped away? Our only constantly successful franchise is the Dynamo and, while I love them, the other 99% of America would rather watch 60 Minutes than the MLS Cup.

That’s why, as a lifelong fan of Houston sports, it is easy to be pessimistic, even as our team clinched its first playoff berth and division title ever. The lasting effects of David Carr are hard to shake.

“I LOVE FUMBLES!!!”

It would have been particularly easy this year to give up hope, as half the starting lineup’s hamstrings exploded, and Matt after Matt suffered season-ending injury.

I hope you're happy, Albert.

But something strange happened – the team kept going, and they kept winning (until they clinched, at which point I guess they decided they had done enough). Our defense stopped drive after drive, Connor Barwin declared a jihad upon Blaine Gabbert, our third-string rookie QB came through in clutch situations, and Wade Phillips smugly smiled upon it all.

The reason the Houston Texans will win the Super Bowl is because they have a term I often heard used to describe the Rockets of 2009, when they pushed the Lakers to Game 7 – heart. Heart, while the worst imaginable Captain Planet power, is one of those sports intangibles that can, on a good day, make up for injuries, rookie players, and gypsy curses (word is, Reliant Stadium is built upon an old Indian burial ground, which makes sense, as it is adjacent to the Astrodome). It is an essential part of the never-say-die attitude that has comprised the “Next Man Up” philosophy of this season. The Texans will win because they are a team infused with a hunger that only comes with never having achieved success before (look at the some of the previous teams in the NFL who entered the playoffs for the first time). The remaining seven teams are all great (well, at least five are) but the Texans have already suffered through everything a team can imagine suffering and made it this far – what’s another few games?

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by | January 5, 2012 · 6:51 am

The Trial of the Bengals vs. Texans

This might be the sweetest picture that's ever existed.

On Saturday night the Detroit Lions will travel to New Orleans to take on the Saints in the kind of game that should come with a warning label: “if you are a former defensive coordinator over the age of 70, keep your heart attack medicine nearby”.  There will be gobs and gobs of points in the Superdome.  But the first part of the wildcard double header is a game that people are…well, a bit less excited about nationally.  The Texans host the Bengals in a battle of rookie quarterbacks, ball control offenses, and stout defenses.  This game has been charged with three counts of being super boring even before it starts.  Ben Van Iten is the prosecuting attorney, while Nathan Raby is handling the defense.  You can find a transcript of their closing statements below.

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Ben emerges from behind his table and approaches the jury.  Underneath his suit jacket is a Carl Pickens jersey.

Ben: Hey everyone, I appreciate you all taking time away from your friends, family, and hobbies to serve on this jury…hobbies such as watching 4 yard Cedric Benson runs on Youtube.  I know those can really get a person worked up.  Now let’s get right down to it here.  This game is probably not going to be very fun to watch.  Now, granted, I’m going to watch it…because it’s an NFL playoff game and WHAT ELSE AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!??

Crickets

In a perfect world, this could have been an interesting game.  If Matt Schaub had not gone down with an injury, this Texans offense would be a lot better.  But instead we are left with T.J. Yates who is averaging something like 160 passing yards per game, and possibly Jake Delhomme.  Yes, Jake Delhomme for Christ sake.  While we’re at it, why don’t we just dig up Jeff Blake and Carl Pickens on the other side and let’s just AIR THIS SUMBITCH OUT!  BOMBS FOR DAYS!

Ben takes a deep breath.

Sorry, just getting a little worked up.  My original title for the website was closetblakefan.com – but Nate vetoed that.

Nate nods.

Andy Dalton has had a good year and he might end up being a great pro.  But 3300 yards just isn’t what it used to be.  The Bengals have a young exciting receiving core, but unless their wide receivers are doing upside crazy flips every play, I don’t care.  This offense has only scored over thirty points one time the entire season!  Now this is not to say that the only thing I am entertained by is offense.  I can enjoy a good defensive battle, when the defenses are shutting down dynamic offenses.  If T.J. Yates is held to 130 yards passing and the Texans score 13 points, it’s not going to feel like the Bengals defense did anything remarkable.  My reaction is going to be, “well yeah, that’s what he does”.

It’s possible they will play in another close game like they did a few weeks ago, and even if it comes down to an amazing play in the last few seconds, what will actually be won?  The chance to go to Baltimore or New England and lose by 20 points.  Neither of these teams is the 2010 Packers, in case you were wondering.  It’s like getting an awesome promotion at work when you have a tiny bomb inside of you that is going to explode sometime in the next 6 months and kill you but you don’t know when.  Yes, it’s exactly like that!  Try to come up with a better analogy, Raby.  The prosecution rests!

Ben high fives the stenographer.

Nate: I could touch on a lot of different angles to look for in this game. The rookie vs. rookie dynamic. The feel-good story of a little redhead kid who got laughed at when he said he wanted to be a quarterback. The undeniable “Twilight Zone” feel of the fact that not only are Marvin Lewis and Gary Kubiak in the PLAYOFFS, they’re FACING EACH OTHER. Seriously, that kind of shit makes you look at the stars and wonder if we’re alone in this big scary universe.

But instead, my argument is based on something Ben said flippantly in the beginning of his argument.

The jury looks confused; Ben says everything flippantly.

It’s an NFL Playoff game on a Saturday afternoon. What the hell else are you going to do? Not only is it an NFL playoff game, it’s the beginning of the end of football. We only have 11 games left, guys, and this is the first one. There will be a poignant moment sometime during the first quarter when you realize, “Hey. In a couple of weeks this is all going to be over.” And you’re going to feel like jumping off of your roof. Hopefully you don’t, but if some of you in the jury do, I’m sure nobody will blame you.

Nate pats a hefty juror on the shoulder. The juror begins to weep.

There, there. I’m sad about football ending too. But rather than cry about it, let’s enjoy it while we still have it. And yes, maybe the Bengals and Texans aren’t the prettiest girls invited to the party. But when the night is getting long and the prospects are getting short, they start to look pretty enough to take home, have your way with, and kick out at 3 o’clock in the morning while making sure they forget their purse so you can make an extra 30 bucks. There’s your better analogy, Ben.

Nate winks.

At the end of the day, it’s NFL Playoff football. And you’re going to enjoy it, because you know that you don’t have much of it left before it’s time to pretend like you really enjoy watching regular season hockey and basketball. You’re going to see at least one nice pass from Andy Dalton to AJ Green, in what will probably be the last big pass between them as rookies. You’re going to see some pretty good defense making rookie quarterbacks look less like Cam Newton and more like Jimmy Clausen. But, most importantly, you’re going to see some goddamned football. And honestly, isn’t that enough? Defense rests.

The jurors may now cast their vote in the comments section.

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