I already covered the AFC, and now the National Football Conference gets the same treatment. No need to wait in line at the mall, Jerry Jones. I will tell Santa what you want.
"I'll take a bigger stadium! Cause I'm crazy!"
NFC North
Chicago Bears: a “Seattle Seahawks #1” foam finger. It may be hard to cheer for Seattle the week after they embarrassed the Bears in their own stadium, but Chicago’s best chance at the playoffs appears to be Seattle upsetting the 49ers. If that happens the Packers will wrap-up home field throughout the playoffs before they host the Bears on Christmas night and will not technically have anything to play for. Even if that is the case and the Packers do rest some starters, Matt Flynn is a better QB than McCown. Maybe I should have changed this gift idea to “a miracle”.
Detroit Lions: a jar. Instead of putting in a dollar every time they swear, Lions players can put in fifty grand each time they commit a personal foul after the whistle.
Green Bay Packers: jewelry. Yep, that is all that will suffice. It is rare to have a team that truly is “Super Bowl or bust”. Sure every team says that it is their ultimate goal and I believe them, but a lot of teams that fall short are able to sit around and say “you know, that was still a pretty good season”. The doubters have arrived just in time, as well. Today on ESPN I saw more than one analyst say that it is the Saints, and not the Packers, that are the best team in the NFC. It was repeated on the NFL Network’s pregame show this evening. They won’t talk about it publicly, but you can guarantee that someone from the team saw it. Despite all of their recent success, they still have a chip on their shoulder.
Minnesota Vikings: a hand full of Xanax. There are rumors floating around that the Vikings might take a QB in the first round of the NFL draft, to which I say SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN. Ponder is a young developing player who hasn’t even gone through a full training camp yet. He has turned the ball over, but it’s hard to find a young QB that doesn’t. Let’s just take a deep breath, Vikings. You aren’t going to be a playoff team next year anyway.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys: the next step. With last year being a disastrous exception, the Cowboys have been stuck in this “good but not great” area for a few years. No one thinks they can win a track meet in New Orleans or a cold weather game in Green Bay, but Tony Romo needs a signature playoff win in the worst way to show the fans that this is going somewhere. Making it to the NFC Championship game would be a huge deal for this team, if only just to show that there is progress being made.
New York Giants: Super Bowl XLII clips. Seriously, someone should sit these guys down and make them watch this game. There was a time when Eli Manning was able to play more than 2 or 3 good games in a row without laying an egg, the defense got after the quarterback, and Tom Coughlin looked less like a victim and more like a football coach.
Philadelphia Eagles: a defensive coordinator who has experience coaching defense in the NFL. That sounds pretty simple, right? Well apparently it wasn’t all that simple this last offseason. Castillo has been thrown under the bus all year, but this one falls into the lap of Andy Reid. Normally whenever people start calling for the firing of a successful coach with a long tenure I’m quick to defend that coach, but this decision was bad on a level that I’m not sure my brain can even comprehend it. On a side note I don’t think the Eagles late season rally is really making Eagles fans feel all that warm and fuzzy. It’s like going to a party, drinking too much and throwing up all over the place. It’s nice that you’re helping clean up in the morning, but you’re still an asshole.
Washington Redskins: a blood pact with Satan. Really, whatever it takes to make sure that Rex Grossman is not your starting quarterback going into the next season. In defense of Rex (never thought I’d start a sentence like that) he has looked better than expected at times this year. But then again my expectations were him dropping back, spinning around three times, and fumbling every play so it wasn’t all that hard.
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals: a chance. The phrase “this is a team no one wants to play” is overused in pro sports, but it is dead on right here. If this team can find a way to maneuver into the playoffs (which is possible as Detroit finishes against San Diego and Green Bay) I think they can win a first round game. I really want the first product that this website sells one day to be a t-shirt that says “JOHN SKELTON JUST WINS FOOTBALL GAMES”.
Seattle Seahawks: see previous write-up. Except their t-shirt says “Marshawn Lynch will kill you”. As a side note, if three teams from the NFC West make the playoffs I will never write about football again.
San Francisco 49ers: a healthy Patrick Willis. The 49ers defense looked very good on Monday without Willis. They have some young players that are playing out of their minds, but in the same way that the Ravens defense just doesn’t look or feel the same without Ray Lewis, the 49ers need Willis for the stretch run.
St. Louis Rams: see Minnesota Vikings. The Rams are also considering drafting a QB, which seems even more insane. Sam Bradford had a very productive rookie season, coming within a game of making the playoffs. His second season has been full of struggles and injuries, but for goodness sake he’s less than two years removed from being selected number 1 overall. There are other holes that need to be filled before the quarterback position.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons: Matt Ryan sheds the “game manager” term. There probably isn’t a quarterback in the league that needs a big playoff win more than Matty Ice. At least Romo has won one before.
Carolina Panthers: big(ger) offseason pockets. I’m not saying that the Panthers need to, or even could, spend the kind of money the Eagles did on their defense in the offseason. But if you are the Carolina Panthers, your Christmas wish has got to be for some defensive free agents. With a stingier defense, and a few less mistakes from Cam Newton, the Panthers could possibly compete for this division next year. The offense is really that good, and Steve Smith isn’t getting any younger. If he ever does start getting younger though, we will be the first to write about it. The article will be called “holy crap, Steve Smith is younger now”. This joke has gone too far.
New Orleans Saints: revert to 2009 formula. What I’m referring to is running the ball and forcing turnovers. We all know Drew Brees is going to get his yards, but he isn’t going to throw for 400 in Lambeau in late January and if they want to play in the Super Bowl again it is very possible that they will have to make the trip up north. But the way that offense is playing right now, I can’t imagine them stumbling indoors or in warm weather climates like San Francisco.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: special uniforms that shock their players whenever they do something dumb. How about it, science?
Merry Christmas from all of us at The Footbawl Blog!
