Chris: Anybody wanna race? How about you?
Kenny: I’m injured, man. I can barely walk.
Chris walks down the practice field.
Chris: How about you?
Munchak: I’m your coach.
Chris: Fine. Nobody wants to race me. Everybody’s scared. Everybody knows I got that getting away from the cops speed.
Chris sees someone in black and orange sitting on the sideline.
Chris: Hey Matt Forte. Wanna race?
Matt: No, I don’t want to race you. I want to talk to you.
Chris: We can talk while we race.
Matt: Nobody’s racing.
Chris: Man, everyone wanted to race me last year.
Matt: That’s because you were a big deal last year. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Chris, you’re killing me, and not just because I drafted you on my fantasy team.
Chris: That’s cold, man.
Matt: No, it’s fine, I also drafted myself so I’m top of my league. Anyway, you gotta start playing better. It might be the only way I get paid.
Chris: I don’t get it.
Matt: Look, man. You were getting paid less than a million dollars, just like me. You put up great numbers, just like me. You were playing for an overrated coach, just like me.
Chris: I got better hair though.
Matt: That may be. But all the same, your poor performance this year is making it really hard for me. No matter how much I dominate, no matter how much of my team’s offense I’m responsible for, Lovie Smith’s eyes, which don’t normally open all the way, will bug out when he sees how you’ve performed after the huge contract you got.
Chris: It ain’t a big deal. You don’t get a contract for your expectations, you get it for what you’ve done in the past. They’ll see your stuff and give you the money, believe me.
Matt: Even if that sentence you said wasn’t the most ridiculous piece of shit I’ve ever heard – and it was – that’s not how my owners are gonna see it. They’re going to look at you hesitating before hitting wide open holes, and they’re going to think it’s because you’re content now that you got paid. And they’re going to think I will act the same way.
Chris: I’m not hesitating.
Matt: Then what is it? It isn’t your line; they’ve been solid. Come on, I know you’re holding yourself back. You gotta tell me what it is.
Chris: Fine. I’ll tell you why my play is making people like Javon Ringer look good. It’s Hasselbeck, man.
Matt: Matt Hasselbeck? Why?
Chris: You know he hasn’t had an effective running game since Shaun Alexander. He gets uncomfortable when somebody good is running back there. I don’t wanna face an angry Matt Hasselbeck, man. So I’m just not hitting the hole as hard.
Matt: Come on. You expect me to believe that? You’re scared of that old-ass white boy?
Chris: Dude. Matt’s a monster. He’s psychotic. Know why Kenny Britt really got hurt? He called Hasselbeck a game manager. Dude literally got down on his knees and tore out his ACL with his teeth. Ain’t even lying, man.
Matt: Wow. That’s crazy.
Chris: So you see, man, there’s nothing I can do about it. You think I like people talking bad about me? I heard that even Nate Raby was going to do a piece on me, call me his biggest disappointment of the first half of the season.
Matt: Nate Raby? The up and coming sports writer with looks, talent, and a heart of gold?
Chris: The same!
I must again stress that this is a 100% authentic conversation that was not fabricated in any way.
Matt: Sorry it’s been so tough on you. I guess I’ll keep playing hard. But you have to at least break one 100 yard game soon. Show them something so it looks better for me. Please.
Chris: I’ll try. But if Hasselbeck so much as looks at me after a long run, I’m gonna tell him it was you who told me to.
Matt: Shit, man, don’t do that. I don’t wanna die.
Posted by Nate Raby